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Post by rainbow81 on Oct 13, 2010 20:41:14 GMT
Hello, I found this site just over a week ago and to start my diary I am going to copy and paste the first post I did in the 'introduce yourself' section. Also, I am going to copy and paste a couple of other things I also wrote in there, just because it will make my life slightly easier Here goes.................... Hello all, I have wrote 'tears of joy' as my subject because I did actually cry tears of joy when I found this site. I am a 29 year old mother of four. I have 7 year old twins (boy&girl), a 2 year old boy and a 5 week old girl. I really dont know where to start Looking back I realise that I had post natal depression after having the twins. The birth was quite traumatic. It was a nataural birth and I delivered my son first with no problems, then when it was my daughters turn to come out, the cord got wrapped around her neck and I had to have an episiotomy. I wont go into details about that, but it was horrendous at the time, and in the weeks after. I was in so much pain from the stitches, that I started to blame my daughter for it. As a result, I never properly bonded with her, although I did with her twin brother and I will openly admit that I favoured him over her. I must say that everything with my daughter and I is fine now. I feel I have had to tell the above incase it is somehow connected to whats happening now . When I found out I was pregnant this last time, and then found out I was having a girl, I started to panic incase the feelings i'd had towards my eldest daughter were going to be the same with my youngest. About three days before I went into labour I started getting this wierd tingling, 'creeping' sensation on the right side of my scalp.Id also started getting floaters in my right eye (black floating spots) I put up with it for about 2 days then I got so paranoid and scared that I rang the maternity ward and they asked me to go in. I went, and the doctor who saw me said that she thought it was 'a migraine presenting itself in a different way'. Now, iv had enough migraines in my lifetime to know that this wasnt the case! The next day I gave birth. I thought that maybe it was just something connected to the build up of me going into labour. However, the strange feeling continues. I have seen six different doctors and an optician. They have all said there is nothing wrong with me. I am so paranoid that I think I am going to drop dead at any moment. It seems that everyday there is something new wrong with me. I am not depressed, I dont think. I cry everyday because I think that I cant cope no more. As soon as I open my eyes in the morning I will start thinking ''oh my god, another day where I think I am going to die''. This sounds totally ridiculous now as I am writing it down. For the past 5 days I have been going really dizzy. Even when I am sat down I am really dizzy. I keep getting these 'lights' in my eyes. Theyre like the ones you get when your tired and theyre really tiny blue,green and red. I have them all the time. I am so convinced I have a brain tumour or something like this, even though six doctors and an optitian have said that I have'nt!!! I now have another appointment tomorrow with yet another doctor. I am going to tell him about the lights in my eyes and the dizziness because this has only started in the last week, therefore I keep thinking that this could be a sign of a brain tumour that has only just appeared. I sound completley mad writing this. This is what goes around in my head all day long. I cant think of nothing else but me dying and what would happen to my kids if I died. When I found this site and looked at that symptom list I couldnt believe it. I checked most of the boxes. I feel really selfish because all the symptoms that I could associate with, were ones regarding my health. Not my childrens health or welfare. Its just me. Also,lately, I know loads of people who are having problems in their life. I wont go into detail, but I know two people who have had to have operations regarding aneurysms, and I know other people who are seriously ill,people who have had misscarriages and ectopic pregnancies and having bad luck in general. It seems everyone connected to me is having a VERY bad time. I feel like my head is going to explode with all of this. I cant think straight. I cant conentrate on anything. I am fed up of crying because I think I may drop down dead at any given moment. I am terrified and I dont know what to do. I have threatened to pack my bags and leave on my own. I feel like my partner is on the verge of killing me because he is the one who has to listen to all my self-diagnoses's all day long. I am sorry for going on and on. I have tried to keep this short and to the point, but theres just so much going on in my head.
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Post by rainbow81 on Oct 13, 2010 20:45:56 GMT
This next post was from 6th October.........
My health visitor came 2 weeks ago, and she is due to come and see me again next Wednesday. The last time she came she turned up at 2:15 and I have to leave my house at 2:50 to go and collect my children from school so we didnt really have much of a chat. I did tell her how I was feeling, but she didnt seem too concerned to be honest. She told me that she thought that the wierd sensation in my head was probably pregnancy hormone related and that it would 'dissapear' on its own. Nor did she do the postnatal depression score test thingy with me because we didnt have time!
I have been to one counselling session, not long before I had the baby. That was because I was having mild panic attacks at the time. I need to go back to the sessions again.
I went to the doctor today, I told him about the lights in my eyes and the dizziness and that I feel like I was gonna drop down dead with a whole host of serious medical conditions and he laughed and shook his head at me. He assured me it was unlikely that that would happen. He looked in my right ear and told me that it needed syringing and that was probably the cause of the dizziness. When I asked about the cause of the lights he said it could be stress. He gave me olive oil ear drops and antibiotics (god knows what the antibiotics are for because he didnt actually say I had an ear infection!)
I have had my blood pressure done (not today), and it was a bit low which is normal for me. I have also had bloods done which one doctor told had all came back normal, but then the doctor today told me that something in it (not sure what) was 'quite high' and that I need to have it done again. He also asked me if I would feel better if they sent me for a brain scan. I said yes, then I said no! He asked me why, and I told him that I was scared to have it done incase something was wrong!!!!!
See?!?! What the hell is wrong with me!!!!! He told me that once iv had my ear syringed, if I still feel the same with the dizziness etc then I will HAVE to go for a scan. This has made me 100 times worse now. This, to me, is like he KNOWS there is something seriously wrong with me and he doesnt want to tell me. I cant cope with these thoughts. I have felt worse today. My face feels wierd so im therefore convinced I am about to have a stroke. The right side of my scalp feels like there is someone actually blowing cold air onto it. My face feels like it keeps going stiff. Its really strange and really terrifying. I also had really bad pins and needles in my right foot for 3 hours (yes, I timed it.)
I dont know if the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I know im not imagining it. Im pretty sure im not. I just want it to go away. I want to wake up in the morning and feel normal and know that I am going to have a normal day, and do normal things instead of waking up, crying, and thinking about how bad I am going to feel for the rest of the day.
It upsets me so much that I have been feeling like this for so long when I am meant to be enjoying these first weeks with my new baby. Its not fair. I know so many people who have had babies around the same time as me and they are all getting on fine, and they are really happy and well and then theres me. Im so scared that I am going to start blaming my baby for how I am feeling. I said to my partner the other day 'I was fine before I had her, whats happened, whats gone wrong?' and he couldnt answer me. He doesnt fully understand whats going on with me - neither do I for that matter.
I feel like I need to 'snap out of it' and stop thinking about my own sudden painful death!! I keep thinking that if I was gonna die of these symptoms then it probably would of happened by now. And then the next thing I think is that my symptoms are getting worse and different each day so it could just be the build up to me dying.
I have just read back what I have wrote so far and I sound completley mad. I feel like im droning on and depressing everyone.
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Post by rainbow81 on Oct 13, 2010 20:51:26 GMT
From 7th October.......... I am, at the moment, obsessed with the brain tumour/aneurysm thing. Even though I have read loads on here about people thinking that they have one I am still totally convinced that there is something wrong in my head. I keep thinking why would I have all these wierd sensations in my head otherwise? Even though the doctor has said he would send me for a scan, I am still terrified - incase there really is something in my head. Is this really PNI or is it something really serious going on in my head <----- that is what iv been thinking since I found this site. Its like nothing or nobody can convince me that there is NO brain tumour etc in my head. I cant get the thought of that out of my head!!! I mean, the wierd sensations in my head started a few days before I went into labour, so how can that be PNI? Can it actually start BEFORE you have had your baby? Has anyone heard of that happening, or has it happened to anyone who has commented on this post? I cant believe iv been thinking "im going to die" constantly for about six weeks. Im sick of being scared and it just wont go away. The only people who know about me being like this are my partner, several doctors and you - the people who have actually read what I have wrote, and I feel like its only you who are taking me seriously and being supportive - thanks I cant bring myself to tell my mum or my sister, or any of my close mates. I feel I would just be a burden on them and they all have their own troubles etc to deal with. Not only that, but I think people would just think im being a hypochondriac! Today I have had the wierd feelings in my face again. Like it was seizing up or something. Iv had the wierd sensation in the right side of my head where it feels like a cold sweat on my scalp and I have had blurred vision in my left eye. I still have the strange lights aswell. Did anybody else experience any of those? Even though the doctor has said to me that the head thing is probably connected to the fact that my ear needs syringing desperatley(!) I cannot see how!!! I just feel like screaming. Screaming for it all to go away. Im even scared to scream and let out some anger incase something popped in my head. Its ridiculous. Im eating less and less because im scared. I get hungry then I will start getting scared because of whats (maybe not) going on in my head, and then I cant eat and that is making me feel worse.
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Post by rainbow81 on Oct 13, 2010 21:09:22 GMT
This brings me upto date with today.....
So it is 13th October.
I have seen the health visitor today who did the PND test with me. She already knows about my symptoms and what iv been like, so when my score came back 'slightly high' she said she wasnt too concerned!!!!!!! Why?!?!?! These people really dont take me seriously at all.
Yesterday I woke up with a numb feeling on the left side of my face, when I touch my face I can feel it, so I dont know how it can be numb. I know this sounds stupid, but it feels numb when I don't touch it. This in itself is strange because all my symptoms so far have been on the right side of my head. I have had the same thing today. When the health visitor came I told her about it and she wasnt bothered. I mean, isnt something like that connected to having a stroke?!?!
After she went, the baby was due for a feed and was screaming hysterically, as was my 2 year old so I went and sat in the garden for 10 minutes on my own. This is the first time iv done this and I felt a bit better when I came back indoors.
I didnt have any negative feelings towards the baby at first. I dont really have any now, but I DO keep thinking if I hadnt of had her then I would be ok now. Does this mean that me feeling like this is HER fault? I am starting to hate my partner. He is so ignorant. Its like he is not interested when I try to tell him how I feel. Then, when I dont say anything at all, hes like 'whats the matter with you?'... then when I try to tell him he doesnt listen or doesnt believe me. Im sure he just thinks I am just making things up to get out of changing nappies or doing dishes etc.
I just want to be normal again. It feels like that will never happen.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 14, 2010 7:32:13 GMT
hi rainbow, I love your name by the way! Welcome to this diary section thing here. I have been writing on here for a few months and its really been theraputic for me. I hope you dont mind me commenting on your diary if you do sorry! and i'll not do it again lolx anyways I read everything and I just want to say poor you, its sounds like you have really been going through it and not getting a great deal of support. I was thinking about what your dr said about getting a scan done, from an outside point of view I would think it would be a good idea. Even if you scared. The doctor obviously thinks its very unlikely something serious is going on but he offered you a scan probably for 2 reasons to be absolutely sure and to reassure you. Since I have had PNI I have experienced many physical symptoms sometimes these could be a result of anxiety/stress and in more recently could be side effects of my antidepressants. When I was 38 weeks pregnant I experienced a wierd thing a bit like a migrane (even though i never get them) but without a headache. I lost all vision virtually down one side, it lasted 10-15 mins. Got checked out and there was nothing obvious didn't have pre-ecampsia or anything and i wasn't taking anti depressants then and although a bit anxious about the baby coming soon and prob stressed out running after my 2 year old i was depressed at all. It went and i never experienced it again until recently I have experienced mild headaches and blurred vision. My optician thinks its a migrane my dr just looked at me as if i was mad. I on a daily basis have thoughts like, i am going to die of a brain tumour as i have had a change in personaility and the migranes etc.. but the thought goes and deep down i know its just the PNI. I also have days when I get diarrhea (prob due to anxiety) and for a few mins every day i convince myself i have bowel cancer. BUT I have many other signs of depression, the tablets i am on cause headaches and blurred vision and my thoughts are just waves and I am not truely convinced of anything. Sometimes you have to do what your instink tell you - if you truely think you have a brain tumour push for more tests. As for your HV saying she wasn't concerned what does she mean by that? Is she going to visit you again and were you truely honest about your feelings? I write down a lot Are you going back to see any specialist? Ear problems can be really awlful and the treatment for your ear might help a lot. My sister in law has been in bed for 2 days with an ear infection, dizzy sick etc. Really horrid. Well rainbow, keep writing on here it does help. Take care, BF xx
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Post by Victoria on Oct 14, 2010 8:50:30 GMT
Hi sorry I havnt got time to write a long reply on here at the mo as am running out the door soon but I promise to come back on later and read your posts properly and write a proper reply. Well done for finding this site, it really is such a massive help to anyone suffering with this cruel illness. Take care and speak soon. xxx
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Post by rainbow81 on Oct 14, 2010 10:25:53 GMT
Hi butterfly and feathersnowglitter, Firstly, I dont mind you commenting on here - I appreciate it infact Butterfly, I need to start thinking like you! Where you have said that you 'think' you have all these serious problems, but deep down you 'know' its PNI. I need to think like that!!! I'll try, but I know it won't last long! The health visitor wasnt concerned about the high score I got because she said that it was down to anxiety. I told her about all my symptoms and the fact that I think im going to drop dead at any minute, so because i'd told her that she said that im not actually depressed and that the test is based on moods and feelings (or something like that), therefore my feelings were 'low' but my mood was 'ok'. It was something along them lines anyway - I think I may of got that all wrong!! She is coming back in 3 weeks to repeat the test. If its still the same or the score is higher then I dont know what will happen. I am going to get my ear sorted to see if it helps. I dont think it will personally. In the past 5-6 weeks all the other doctors i'd been to see had looked down my ear and never said that it needed syringing, so, that makes me think that all the strange sensations/dizziness I get in my head can't be anything to do with my ear!! I have something going on in my head right now as im writing. Its like a cold burning sensation, its hard to describe. Its really horrible and its always in the same place that I get it. Its like someone blowing really cold air onto my head. It really does terrify me, but I am so scared of having a scan done. I am so 100% convinced that theres something seriously wrong with me. I can't go on like this. What if I went for a scan and there was NOTHING wrong with me? What would happen then? I would have proof that I was fine, so would I pick on some other part of my body instead of my head? Aggghhhh!!!!! Im sorry for going on, this was just meant to be a short reply and I ended up going on and on!! xxx
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Post by Weeble on Oct 14, 2010 15:44:35 GMT
Hi rainbow
I have been reading your posts it must be really frustrating getting the reaction you did from your hv. Don't know if she knows this but the Edinburgh test is not a yes or no answer. If you set the score at 11 to 12, the test will only pick up three quarters of people with pni. It misses a quarter in other words. I don't know what more to suggest than the other girls have said but keep pushing on for help.
What you describe is really common so many of the girls here have had the same worries and so many of my friends. I would go ahead and have the scan, it will lay your mind to rest and give you the evidence to fight the future worries.
Thinking of you
Kat
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 14, 2010 16:03:56 GMT
Hi again, just wanted to say something that was on my mind after reading what everyones written today. If say there was something wrong with your head a tumour or something, they might be a cure! Another reason why you need to get it checked! A friend of a friend suddenly had a rapid change in personality and he ended up being diagnosed with a non-malignant tumour had an operation. He is now fit and well with no lasting damage. Don't worry about waffle on here its good for you to let it out. Have you known someone with a brain tumour in your family? Anyway how olds your baby now? Are they well and have you bonded together? Ignore my questions if you don't want to answer them I'm just a nosy parker lolx Anyway I got to go. Take care x
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Post by rainbow81 on Oct 17, 2010 13:11:29 GMT
Hi all,
Thanks for your comments Kat, and Butterfly I have to be honest and say that I do not personally know anyone who has had a brain tumour, but I know people who have had aneurysms and brain cancer. And I know that if there were something wrong with me that I could recover - but I dont even wanna think about it!!!!!!!! Even though its all I ever think of - if that makes sense!!!
The baby is 7 weeks old today! I cant believe how quick its gone! We have bonded well together but I do have that thought in my mind that if I hadnt of had her, I would feel 'normal' now. It makes me really angry because I should be enjoying this time, and I cant because all I can think about is death.
I actually felt 'normal' on Thursday. I was having a normal-ish day! It was great until I found out that someone I know had had to have a brain scan. She'd had a headache for a few days and was getting paranoid and felt that there was something wrong , so she ended up at the hospital where she'd had a brain scan, and then she was having to have a lumbar puncture the next day to see if it was an aneurysm or fluid on her brain. I found this out at 11pm, I was just about to go to bed. I did goto bed and I started freaking out thinking about it. I couldnt breathe, my head started going funny, my face was numb and everything. It was so scary. I think I fell asleep about 3am. Then, on Friday 2 people who I know died. One was a distant family member who died through heart problems, the other was a family friend who had had cancer for many years. This set me off again because it was the whole 'death' thing. Its like it follows me. Im scared it'll be me next.
Then yesterday morning, I put my television on and there is an advert for 'Piers Morgan meets....Russell Watson', and on the clip of it they were talking about Russells 2 brain tumours. I was so mortified by this. Its like its a sign, like someone is trying to warn me. I am getting so paranoid about the whole death thing that I wont watch any drama's, soaps, infact the only things I will watch are comedy things. Its absolutley ridiculous, but I just cant bear the thought of having to watch something that might involve death or illness. So, as you can imagine, Holby City is BANNED in my house!
Today im having something different. This morning my mouth felt funny and when iv had a look I have got a dark red sore on the roof of my mouth. I am now convinced this is mouth cancer. I had a bit of a thing about mouth cancer when I was pregnant. I kept getting little ulcers on my tongue, and I was convinced I had it then. Now this sore is something different. It feels like a blister that has popped. I made my partner have a look before and he said that maybe I had eaten something hot and it had burnt the roof of my mouth. Yes - I probably have, but I dont remember doing that, so therefore I am covinced this is something sinister. Its wierd. It feels sore above it - if thats possible, like on the back of the roof of my mouth. Im sick of analysing all these things. Today I dont have the wierd sensation in my head - not upto now anyway, but I have this stupid thing in my mouth.
I don't feel depressed but all these things are really starting to get me down. I dont want to make myself ill over all these things that are 'nothing to worry about'. I feel so selfish because of it. I feel like all I ever go on about is ME and MY HEALTH. I cant imagine why my partner puts up with it. Im scared hes just gonna walk out because he wont be able to cope with me going on anymore.
Im gonna have to go now because the baby is due for her feed, and is starting to protest a bit!
Speak soon.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 17, 2010 19:34:26 GMT
sorry to hear your still worried about things. Sometimes I think my biggest problem is over analysing things! Are you regually seeing your GP and discussing your concerns, even if they are just non-sinister things maybe it might help to have reassurance. 7 weeks soon turns to 17 weeks so enjoy them while they are small! take care bfx
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Post by monica on Oct 17, 2010 19:50:02 GMT
Hi
I wish you could have seen me when I had pni as reading your post is as if I'd written it. It would appear death would follow me around, I'd constantly see things on the tv or in the papers about cancer, brain tumours etc and see my own symptoms in this. Like you I had such weird symtpoms which appeared in my case after I had my baby. i could not see how my symptoms could nto be linked to something serious. I used to analyse every single symptom I had and would see the worst. I just want to reassure you that it's highly unlikely to be anything serious.
Happy 7 weekd bday to your baby - time does fly by so quickly and it's amazing how quickly they change.
Love
Monica
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Post by Weeble on Oct 17, 2010 20:52:51 GMT
Hi rainbow
So agree with Monica bad news feels like it stalks me at times too. It is so horrible when your head played funny games with you. Holby city and casualty are banned in my house too, have been for years. Have you tried writing down these fears on a piece of paper and then writing down all the reasons why they are a worry then when you feel really anxious you can look at them and use it to help you relax.
Seven weeks is really young I have a three week old, how is it all going otherwise.
Kat
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Post by juppster on Oct 18, 2010 8:20:43 GMT
Hi Rainbow Just wanted to pop by and say hi and welcome. I haven't had my laptop for a few days so haven't been able to support you but will try and have a good look over your diary over the next few days. Keep talking here, it really does help to know you are not alone xx
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Post by rainbow81 on Oct 18, 2010 8:27:12 GMT
Hi everyone, I do go and see my gp on a regular basis, perhaps too regularly infact! Iv seen my own amongst others and they have all assured me that im not going to drop dead, which makes me feel ok and then something else will happen and i'll start thinking that all these ailments are connected and that there is something really wrong.
Monica, what you have wrote above is reassuring in itself. Its good to know that I am not losing my mind by feeling like this. I too will not read the paper or magazines because I know there is bound to be death in it somewhere. I also permanently analyse my 'symptoms'. I do feel like that anyone connected to me is having bad luck of some sort and that bad luck and death are following me round. Katrinarabbit, thats a good idea about writing things down, im going to try that.
Other than me being how I am, the baby is fine. As are the rest of the family. Although I think my 7 year old daughter may be picking up on the fact that theres something not quite right with me. She hasnt actually said anything to me but, if we are sat in the living room together or something i'll catch her staring at me. I dunno, maybe its just me imagining it, but I feel its like she knows im somehow 'different' from how I 'was'.
Also, I forgot to mention in any of my above posts that my health visitor said that when I go back to counselling I should ask about going to cognitive behaviour therapy. Im not 100% sure what this involves. Has anyone been for this before and if so would you reccomend it ?
Speak soon all xx
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