Coping with guilt

[TBird]

Hi,
I had a pretty bad time when I had my (now 8 month old daughter) but I am feeling quite a lot better now. One thing I really still struggle with though is the guilt of having not loved her when I first had her and some of the awful dark thoughts I had. In particular, my husband had a friend whose wife was due the same day as me who had a still birth and at one point I just thought, I wish it had been me. I can never take that thought away. I've never told anyone it, but it tortures me that I wished my beautiful baby girl dead. I have never told anyone that and I didn't recieve any treatment for PND. But I wondered did any of you have these awful thoughts? How did you work through the final stages of your depression? I just need to move on I guess, but the guilt really is all that remains from that time now.

[wanagetoverthis]

Hi Hun

You shouldn't feel guilty for something 'you' didn't do. When you felt that way you weren't you, you were suffering with PNI.

My thoughts were about sexual abuse, but I have come to learn that it was PNI not me because I would never in a million years do what my mind was telling me, just as you would never wish harm to your Daughter.

I'm sure some of the other girls who had similar thoughts to you will be along shortly too but I just wanted to offer my support.

N xxx

[juppster]

Hi there and welcome to this site..so glad you found us.
I think the feelings and thoughts you have described are completely normal for someone who is suffering or has suffered from pni. It is certainly something i used to think after having my son and yes, i felt guilty about that for a long time but came to the conclusion that he will never ever know that I felt that way, and actually in hindsight, it wasn't me thinking it, it was the illness x