Why are we so ashamed?

[Weeble]

Thought I might start some threads about some things that seem to be issues for so many of us. I was at a party today on my mobile chatting to hopeful about drugs and I suddenly panicked that someone had heard me talking about my mental health issues.

Made me think so many of us are so ashamed. I was talking to my oh dr about this, that i don't like to talk about my diagnosis. Because a straight owning up I have pni, I think people are judging me, see me as weak or dangerous. I have to tell them the whole story then they say aghhhhh makes sense.

So I wonder what others thought

Kat

[wanagetoverthis]

I totally agree with what you said... I feel if people know I have PNI they'll be funny about me being around their kids, especially because of the thoughts I had.

I also feel if people know the full story they will think 'oh not heard that before, maybe she's just a monster not poorly... Makes me very scared to tell people!

N xxx

[Bookwormprincess]

Good thread Kat.

Yes mental health stigma is huge but it can effect 1 in 4 people at some point in their life so chances are everyone knows someone who has been effected by it. That's why I love the Time to Change campaign at the moment.

When I went back to work 9 months after my first son was born I was still in a numbing depression that showed up after the psychosis ended. But I didn't tell a sole at work about the PP, not even my boss. It's strange cos one of my colleagues at least knew I'd been in hospital but they never asked me how I was when I returned. With hindsight I wish I'd been more open, at least said something like I had severe postnatal depression (even though I don't like using that as a label for PP. Depression and Psychosis are different illnesses although there are a few symptoms that could overlap but it's the same with most mental health problems). But I just couldn't say anything. How do you tell people that having a baby made me lose my mind, literally? But it affected my work. When I was pulled up about something by so called friends in front of the boss a year later, I wish that I'd been upfront because it was the only explanation for my below usually high standard work. But I felt I didn't want to drag it all up, especially as by then I was pregnant with my second and knew I would be leaving again so I just kept quiet.

People at my church knew, but then they are more real friends than anyone at work. Still it's not easy talking about it. I think the further along in our healing we get the easier it is to find courage from somewhere to speak about it. We need to speak up about pni and normalize it. If we the people who have had mental health problems can't get past the stigma then how can we expect the general public too?

It's not easy at all. I felt lost and exposed when I mentioned how ill I'd been on two separate occasions recently. One mum practically ignored me and carried on talking about her postnatal experience which was pretty normal so I wished I'd not even bothered. The other person somehow knew through a connection to the familm and had he not asked I wouldn't have been talking about PP in The middle of Boots. I found it really hard to explain psychosis and again felt exposed.

But, I am hoping to have more positive experiences. One friend of mine has been amazing.

Sadly though there will always be people who misunderstand mental health and I think they are happier to surround themselves in ignorance then face their fears and find out the truth. It's always portrayed sensationally in the media, like coronation street and emmerdale which just reaffirms people's prejudices.

[juppster]

Great thread mate. I would say for me personally, it felt like i had failed to have to go back onto antidepressants...it was like i couldn't make myself happy and had to rely on something else. It made me feel a bit of a failure as a person but after a while and seeing the difference the medication and therapy helped i would do it all again in a heartbeat and stuff what anyone else thinks!! x

[juppster]

..sorry, just realised this should have been on your other thread...why do we fight the drugs! Really not reading things properly at the moment! x

[Weeble]

Sad isn't it girls. Bwp I found what you wrote very poignant. I started going back to work while I was still under the home treatment team and being looked after by the inpatient psychiatrist. I just needed to run away from everything. That numbing depression is what I was left with after my worse crisis time. But I went to work, handled big style stuff and somehow outperformed. I will never forgot morning at work afternoon psychiatrist came to my house to discuss mbu admission post delivery.

Still I find if I tell people I have had postnatal depression, they sort of think it's like severe baby blues. I guess for some women it is, I know large numbers get better with ten visits from a health visitor. Then if they find out that I have all the support do, they view me as I must be mad in the colloquial sense, I find that really difficult. I have found I have to tell people why all the trauma the death of my sisters the horror delivery etc. Then I find they are more understanding but it's so painful.

I am currently returning to work, but the only people who know what has happened are the Hr and md of our company I have not told a soul.

Very very slowly the mind jumping depression is retreating but emotions are surprising and hard I find.

I do sometimes wonder if I should be more open but it feels a very dangerous thing to do.

Kat

[Weeble]

Sorry also ment to say exposed that's so the right word. Talking about my pni makes me feel just the same. I really struggle to explain to people the illness and I really struggle to explain why I might have tried so hard to end it all.

Very insightful comments girls.

Any other views?

Kat

[Bookwormprincess]

Only just read your reply here. Sorry. I think this blog article is very apt:

time-to-change.org.uk/blog/stigma-turned-inward

I can certainly relate.

In answer to some of the things you said Kat I too find it hard to talk about what happened to me because the spectrum of PNI is quite vast and the majority of mums relate it to baby blues, which to me is like saying you know what it's like to have lung cancer just because you've had a winter cough. Someone with baby blues does not lose their mind and nearly kill themselves or end up in hospital when their baby is 5 days old! Baby blues is not depression either. I see baby blues as the body's natural way of processing this huge event of giving birth and the natural come down from the change in hormones. Some women get it, some women don't. A bit like the natural and normal minor mood changes around menstruation but of course over a longer time. Some women may start of with what looks like baby blues but what is in actual fact the beginning of PND but others will not have anything as mild as baby blues and become suicidal within days. I wish the term baby blues could be disassociated from PNI.