Finding my Patronus Charm

[blackmamba]

I'm not a HP fan, but the way J.K. Rowling portrayed depression (Dementors) and the effective Patronus Charm to ward them off in her series was what attracted me to her work. It's terrifying how accurate a Dementor's attack is to the real deal. PND has a way of arriving when you're completely unaware of it, and it sucks the life out of you. I've often, in the past few days, felt like Dudley after his encounter with a Dementor. Just numb and empty and totally out of it.

Does it work to try recall something positive - a precious memory, a motivational quote, an optimistic thought - when you're at your lowest? Does it ward off the depression, or does it just make it a little more bearable to live with?

But then I wonder, what is the point in it anyway.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night, especially after my hubby declared how insensitive and cold I've been to his needs and attempts to make my life easier.

I went through the little pamphlet on PND that my nurse gave to me and circled all the symptoms I'm currently experiencing. And then I put it in our bedroom on the bed. Hopefully he can catch a hint and will actually read through the whole book. I think the only part he read is how he can support me. What is the point in text-book supporting me if he doesn't CARE to know exactly what it is I'm going through?

I'm going to see my GP this afternoon and I kind of wanted him to go with me. Not for support, but just so someone else other than me can tell him how serious this is. Either he doesn't realise just how serious this is, or he's ignorant and thinks that the depression I have is akin to his 'off' days.

Apparently anything I tell him is belittled and made insignificant. Like last night, when I told him that I'd hurt my elbow earlier in the day and that I could still feel little shockwaves going up to my shoulder. He told me that he knows what I'm talking about, because he's had the same, oh and he's got pain here, and here, and here, and there, and oh he thought since we're sharing our aches and pains, he'd just tell me all of his.

With this in mind, and the matter that not too long ago, we had a fallout where I basically told him it's unfair that he can get to laze around the house and do what he wants even though he can see I need him to keep an eye on the kids so I can just get my dishes done, and he short of verbally bashed me for having the audacity to think that my life is so hard and that he's got it so easy, I don't know how he expects me to confide in him. I know if I tell him the whole truth that he'll judge me, or go into a self-inflicted-guilt-trip, or go into his own little depression to compete with mine, because for some reason he believes I'm never worse off than he is.

I know this is how he'll react, because that's how he reacted when he discovered I was cutting myself after my first baby. He told me that every time I cut myself, he was going to cut himself, too. HOW IS THAT HELPING THE SITUATION?

I'm hoping he's grown up since then and that he might be more helpful and supportive this time around, but I highly doubt it. If he'd changed since then, he wouldn't have been making me feel worse about not being 'present' as he did last night.

As it stands, I'm either going to run away and never come back, or I'm going to jump in front of a bus, or something stupid like that, if this continues on.

[wanagetoverthis]

Hey

Does he know you feel suicidal? Often we women only tell the partial truth of PNI... for fear of being judged, misunderstood or looked down on; but in reality, without telling the whole truth we don't give people the option to make it any better, as they never truly know how much we need them.

I only told my partner a month ago that I had felt suicidal last year (I thought I'd told him but I hadn't). He was absolutely devastated to hear this as he had no idea it was 'that' bad. I think knowing made him realise how ill I was and made him more open to listening when I said I was depressed.

Great analogy about the dementors, it does relate very well!!

N xxx

[blackmamba]

Hi N

You're right, it's such a constant hinderance to me and I'm so accustomed to fighting suicidical thoughts and feelings that it never occurs to me that even though it's so real to me, my hubby has no clue because I don't let him in on it.

I didn't mean to leave my first post off on such a dramatic note either. My hubby just kind of snuck into the room like a ninja (or maybe I'm just very un-observant) and I quickly posted and then closed the window so he couldn't catch me red-handed.

He was pretty good yesterday.

We had a family meeting, he wanted to get us out of the house and I didn't really feel like doing anything, so he brought the kids in and they decided for me that we'll go to the beach. It was a pretty miserable day weather wise, very cloudy and windy, but it WAS nice getting out and getting some fresh air.

Then afterward he dropped me off in town for my doctor appointment. I think I was close to either hyperventilating or having a panic attack in the waiting room, and it took a lot of restraint not to just walk out. It's one thing rambling about how I feel online, it's a different matter speaking face to face with someone about it. But the doctor was nice, and she's put me on Peroxetine. We've also discussed with the chemist that they dispense only 3-4 pills at a time for me, so I have to go in twice weekly to get the pills. I don't trust myself with drugs, especially because the suicidal thoughts are becoming rather intense, and it wouldn't take much for me to OD, so we've made this arrangement which I seriously think is brilliant.

My hubby took us to a field after the appointment and I went for a short walk with my daughter just to try clear my head a bit. Later the evening I got a phonecall from someone on the mental health board who said my doctor contacted them because she's a little concerned about me. We had a chat about the thoughts I've been having and I was told that they would get in touch with someone on the CAT team, which is the people my nurse kept telling me to phone when I do have bad thoughts, and a short while after that I got a call from a CAT team member who arranged for me to go into the hospital a couple of hours later.

So we packed the kids in the car and my hubby dropped me off. Well he was staying outside in the car with the kids because it was past their bedtime already. I went in and chatted to two very lovely people about EVERYTHING. About an hour and a half later, one of them walked out to the car with me to meet my hubby, and then he and my hubby went back inside for a chat while I stayed with the kids.

About twenty minutes later my hubby came back outside and the first thing he done when he got in the car was to give me a hug, and then he told me that he will support me all the way and that I can talk to him about anything.

So... I ended up telling him the reason behind why I had to go into the chemist twice a week. He didn't say anything about it, which I think is good because I was only telling him so that he's aware of the motivator.

But CHEEESE! I struggled to sleep last night. Like, REALLY struggled. I think I was awake for the better of the night and I don't know if it's because of all the stuff that went down during the day or whether it's the pills I'm on to blame. I think it might be the pills. I'm certain the doctor said one of the side-effects is nausea, and I really did feel pretty sick last night.

And as per usual I'm up again at 6.30 this morning because my daughter came lamenting how hungry she is at our door. I just kind of rolled out of bed because I didn't want her to wake the baby, he was such a little fighter earlier this morning. I think he was up at 4 or 5 or something silly like that and it took a while before I got him back to sleep.

I.am.knackered.

On the brighter side of things, my hubby has today off. I'm really happy because I wasn't looking forward to when he'd go back to work this week.

[juppster]

Hey Blackmamba
Wow, what a day you had yesterday but such a great and positive response from your local mental health team...if only it were like all over the country!! I'm so glad people are starting to listen to you now and that your hubby is aware of just how bad you've been feeling, hopefully this will help to lighten the load a little.
Keep talking here xx

[stevensmummy]

Hi,
Firstly I'd like to say what a positive post. You really have had a good experience from the health team, which is brilliant. And yes if only they were all so good! Well done for going, you did it, the first step is always hardest. Yes there are many other hard steps and the road is by no means easy. But now you and your hubby can tackle this together!
xx

[wanagetoverthis]

How hard all that must have all been but all so so positive too, well done and I'm so happy your hubby knows is being supportive as it makes all the difference :')

N xxx

[blackmamba]

Hi everyone Yes it has been a very positive experience. One of the reasons I dreaded seeking help was because in my past, when I reached out for help, I didn't get the help I needed. I was really depressed for well over two years when I was a teenager, and prior to the time when I started acting out I used to cut myself up pretty bad. So when I started doing crazy things like running away a couple of times and stuff like that, I was sent to see the school counsellor. I saw her only once and she never made that followup appointment, which depressed me even more because I thought I was beyond help or not worth helping. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist the next year, whom was recommended by my grandmother (I don't know what she was thinking, honestly) and I saw this person twice a week for six months for one hour sessions. And all the sessions ever consisted of was sitting back on a chair, closing my eyes and listening to some chiming relaxation music. There was never any talking or advice or questions, or rather, the right questions were never asked. I became suicidal when the sessions with the psychiatrist ended because I believed there was something terribly wrong with me because no one wanted to HELP. And then I met my hubby on a spring holiday that year.

Actually, thinking about it now, I think I've always had some level of depression. I remember when my hubby was going through a tough time, and because I couldn't be there for him he broke it off. We were in a long distance relationship for the first five years of our relationship, and he was my first love, so I was devastated. For that whole week I broke down at random moments at school until it got to a point where the school sent me home because I was such a wreck. We got back together at the end of the week and I was honestly just elated. We broke up again later that year but I practically forced my hubby to reconsider. He did so very reluctantly and I told him it would be the last try. He didn't know at that stage that I'd made up my mind that if it didn't work out that time around, that I was going to commit suicide, because he really did become my buffer in those years. It sounds sappy but he was my main reason for living for many of those years. I felt that if I didn't have him, I had nothing.

Anyway, so my trust in the 'professionals' was tarnished in the past because nobody could tell me what was wrong with me. I was expecting a lack of response by the professionals this time around too, so I'm very surprised and a bit overwhelmed by the immediate reaction I've gotten from them. I've had a couple of members from the CAT team stop by for the past two days to check in on me. I haven't gotten to a comfort level where I can really open up to them yet. I mean I want to, but there's something that just keeps me holding back.

About my day so far. I really didn't feel like getting out of bed today. I have ironing to do, and laundry to wash, and I need to go to the shops later to buy a couple of things for the Halloween get-together we have organised with a couple of friends tomorrow, and it just feels like too much, and all I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep the day away. But I got up. My first hurdle of the morning was my daughter complaining that she wanted sandwiches instead of the cereal I'd made for her. Usually I'd just shout at her and refuse to give her anything else, but I made an effort this morning not to fight with her. My hubby keeps telling me to pick my battles, so I thought I'd let this one slide.

I rung up the chemist this morning and they said I could just pop straight through to fetch my prescription. So I bundled the kids into the car and off we went. I really wasn't looking forward to it because it was raining and my kids need leashes at times. So we got to the chemist and I asked the kids if they're okay to stay in the car while I pop in quick. This, I realised when I got home, is not me. I never ever would even consider leaving my kids alone in the car, unless it would take me less than 10 seconds to jump out and do whatever I need to, like posting mail or chucking the DVD's in the return box at the DVD store. Luckily the kids said no, they want to come with me. And they were really good. They held hands and they walked faster when I told them to. It would usually take me at least five minutes to do something like this because I always have to fight with them to listen to me. But we were back in the car in less than two minutes. I think it helped a lot too that I didn't have to wait for my prescription. The kids had just got their hands on the toys so I pulled them away before they could really get into playing.

And so far everything has been fine. I sill feel like all I want to do is crawl into bed but the kids have been making it easy for me today.

I have noticed that my concentration is off. Especially where it concerns baby. I thought about bathing him yesterday morning, decided not to because he was sleeping, and when he woke up I gave him a bath anyway. Then a short while later I thought to myself, I should at least change his clothes even if I'm not going to bathe him, and I started scouting around for the clothes I'd put out for him. And then I realised oh wait, I've already put it on him. And then later the evening, again, I thought I should get him bathed before it gets too late. It makes me worried - where was my head at when I was bathing him? Why did it keep slipping my mind? And what if one day I forget HIM somewhere? It's just made me a bit anxious so I'm now triple checking everytime I put the kids in the car to make sure I've got everyone.

I'm wondering if my bad memory might be a side-effect of the pills I'm taking. I think I'll ask the CAT team when they stop by today. On that, I forgot what time we arranged for them to come by. Actually, I've forgotten quite a few important meetings the last couple of weeks, like when my daughter's speech therapist came around. She comes every fortnight at the same time on a Wednesday. This has been going on for months, yet I forgot she was coming that day. So it's probably not the pills, it's just me.

[monica]

Wow - I'm so pleased you're getting the help you need and the change around from your husband is just amazing. You sound so much more positive in yourself and having his support will make a huge difference for you.

I don't know if you got help for depression in the UK or abroad (I think you live abroad?), but inadequate support is unfortunately very common. It sounds like there have been quite a few issues in your past and it is common for all of these to completely knock you out following childbirth.

How have the past few days been for you?

Monica

[stevensmummy]

Well done you!!
It's great to hear you are moving forward so positively and about your husband too.

How are things now? x

[monica]

Hi

how are you doing.

Monicax

[juppster]

Hey Blackmumba...have been wondering how things are going for you? x