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Post by meadow on Nov 23, 2011 2:56:15 GMT
I’m walking along a path. It’s just a dirt track. People have been here before. I can see where they have trodden down the grass. It’s just one person wide. You can only come here alone, just one walker at a time. Although I’m sure some people have others that they must carry. I’m not carrying anyone. It’s just me. On my left is a meadow. It’s beautiful. The grasses and flowers are swaying gently in a light breeze. The cornflowers are iridescent, the poppies a vivid red. The air is alive with butterflies and dragonflies; I can hear the buzz of bumble bees and the chirrup of crickets. I long to leave the path and just let myself go, to have nothing pressing me on, to just drift in the meadow, lie down, laze, be calm. But I can’t, I have to keep going on this path. If I stop, then the world might end, or my world at least. I’ve been on this path for 6 years and 4 months. Sometimes I think I’m nearing the end, other times I can’t imagine there even being an end. On my right there is nothing. I know it’s a cliff, but over the cliff is just blackness. It might be the sea, or a river, or a canyon. The blackness is silent. Not a reassuring, peaceful silence. But the type of silence that won’t let you stop thinking. Constant thoughts snake into my mind. I have to be very careful not to fall over the edge. It has happened. And then I struggle through the blackness alone and have to find a way out. Sometimes I can get out quickly, other times I’m there for aeons. I don’t know what is ahead of me. The path continues on, but I can’t see it. It could be fog stopping me from seeing what’s ahead, but I can’t even tell if that is so, I just know I can’t see ahead. And I know that I must keep going. One day I’ll be able to turn left off this path and walk through the meadow. I’ll be able to feel the grass and stand still until a butterfly lands on my hand. I’ll be able to stop thinking. I’ll be able to enjoy the soft silence of the meadow and just be.
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Post by meadow on Nov 23, 2011 3:07:11 GMT
I wrote that last week. Just for myself. I wanted to write down how PNI feels for me. Since then the image of the meadow has helped me so much. And I wanted to use this diary to write down the days.
I broke down in front of my Mum today. It was a difficult morning. I shouted at my children so much. Took my son to school and my daughter to my parents. When I got there a neighbour of theirs upset me. Nothing really, but I leant on my Mum and couldn't stop crying and my legs turned to jelly. They just wouldn't stop shaking. I had to sit down.
After school we (me and the children) went round a friends for tea. Then when we arrived home (in the car), my son unstrapped his seatbelt, leant over and squashed his teddy into my daughter's face - for no reason! She cried. I shouted. And that started me on the shouting spiral again.
My daughter wouldn't use the toilet before bed. Wet her knickers and the floor in the bathroom. I had to just walk away. She went to bed without cleaning her teeth or having a wash. And I hid in another room for 10 minutes whilst my son played downstairs. Then went down out of necessity and sat on the sofa and just cried. My son put a song on the CD that I like. That made me feel desperate too - that he was trying to make me happy, that I was crying in front of him.
Why is it so hard? I am just so angry all the time. Angry at the world and everybody. Find it so easy to just shout. Shouting just makes me shout more and I find I can't even talk. Shouting makes my children shout. Hate it that I am making them into horrible people. Every day I want to turn over a new leaf and be a good mum, a good person.
Nothing positive happened today.
But since writing all that about the meadow and the cliff, I have whenever a sad feeling came to me thought positively about the meadow. About leaving the path and turning left.
I need to focus on that. I will try again tomorrow and every day.
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Post by meadow on Nov 23, 2011 4:39:22 GMT
I have just spent the last 1 1/2 hours looking at photos and putting some new ones on our digital photo frame. I know its the middle of the night, but it has made me feel better.
Looking at photos of my lovely daughter was reminding me of the love I have for her. I need to hold on to that when she's doing her defiant toddler thing and it's getting me angry.
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Post by juppster on Nov 23, 2011 9:09:19 GMT
Hi Meadow and welcome. Your first post is very poignent and obviously very personal and dear to you. I have to tell you that I believe there is an end to this, it will not be forever. I have suffered since my son was born just over 5 years ago and now, finally, after finding the correct therapy and medication the good days are far outweighing the bad. Please feel free to keep posting here, I hope you it gives you an outlet to release your feelings and to talk to the ladies here whom can so identify with how you are feeling xx
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nzmum
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 23, 2011 16:37:12 GMT
Hi Meadow, welcome. What beautiful images in your first post, so heart-felt. Keep visualising that meadow - you will walk there one day.
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Post by meadow on Nov 23, 2011 20:10:59 GMT
I want to update every day - the good and the bad. So I can keep the worst feelings at bay. Today was a good day. I ignored any bad behaviour from the children and kept my cool. Even when my daughter wouldn't get dressed and was making us late for school. Quite proud of myself for that this morning. We got to school with no seconds to spare, the gate was literally closing as we arrived. But the teacher kindly held it open for my son.
One of my flash points is being late - I hate it, especially when it is something that can be avoided by just children doing what they're asked. But I have decided not to care if we're late, and not to allow it to get me stressed.
So a good start. And just a little stressed this evening around getting the children washed/bathed, etc. But not to my recent shouting levels, and not shouting at all.
The meadow has been in my mind a lot today. Writing it down helps me to focus on what I want. Helps me to be in the meadow by remembering it when I'm getting frustrated and stops me shouting.
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Post by meadow on Nov 23, 2011 20:12:37 GMT
Thank you ladies for your kind posts. x
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 23, 2011 22:06:57 GMT
Welcome to the site, I hope you find your diary positive.
I can relate to the shouting. I shout a lot, even without pni. Im a shouter and always have been. But like you I feel a guilt about it. I hate having to shout at my boys. But I also hate badly behaved boys! I can't seem to find a middle ground. Don't be too hard on yourself I think it's common.
Keep focusing on the meadow luv, it'll keep you strong
Sarah x
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Post by meadow on Nov 23, 2011 23:03:56 GMT
Cheers, Sarah. I seem to be a shouter too. But never have been before and hate myself for it. I hate to see that my daughter thinks shouting is the way to behave - and honestly she gets that from me (and her Dad too). Our son is the least shout-y but he also has the same problem. If only I could stop shouting long enough for them to learn how to talk to people nicely!
Anyway, I remembered the middle of the night last night just now and wanted to write it down. My daughter was up on and off because of a cough/cold. I heard her get out of bed so went to the landing to meet her, otherwise she ends up in our bed. She cried a bit because she couldn't come to our bed. I asked her if she wanted to go to the toilet, but she said no. Then she got in her own bed and I left her to calm down. But she just did a wee on her bed. They've just got new mattresses and of course now it is smelly. The main point is that I wasn't horrible to her about it even though it was infuriating that she would do that. I can accept bed-wetting - that can't be helped if child is asleep. But to do it whilst awake!!! Arrrghh. Anyway, what I need to remember is that I was calm and just stripped the bed and had her sleep on the floor on top of the quilt with other blankets over the top of her. She was fine.
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Post by monica on Nov 24, 2011 8:15:35 GMT
Hello and welcome
You are making positive steps in moving forward so huge well done. It is overwhelming when you feel low and your kids play up or something happens which makes you feel you are losing control.
You have suffered for a while now. Do you know how pni started for you? Have you ever spoken to your dr about it or had treatment for it? This is a horrible and cruel illness but do have hope; things will get better.
Monica
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 24, 2011 10:10:35 GMT
Monica is right, things really do get better. I promise you that much.
Well done for dealing with the wet bed. You should be proud of yourself. Gradually the positives outweigh the negatives and things get better
I hope today is a positive too
S x
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nzmum
New Member
Posts: 27
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Post by nzmum on Nov 24, 2011 10:26:11 GMT
Hi Meadow Just wanted to say, my father was also a shouter and suffered from depression throughout my childhood and teenage years. At times he was suicidal . He was also a loving father who I now speak to daily about my problems, even though he is on the other side of the world. He is wonderful. I have not turned into a shouter myself. I have got the tendency toward depression and anxiety, but I personally think that is more genetics than learned. I guess what I'm saying is, while obviously it's best not to yell at your kids, don't beat yourself up about it because if they are loved and cared for as they obviously are, they will be fine.
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Post by meadow on Nov 24, 2011 19:04:20 GMT
Hi I don't have time right now to reply, but thanks everyone for your messages. I really came on to record my day. It is really helping to put stuff on here. Just knowing that at the end of the day I'll write down what went on, is kind of making me think twice about irrational angry responses to situations. I've had a positive day. Only shouted twice - both times at my son. Once was justified, the other was me being impatient. But I'm OK. I wasn't just being nasty - as sometimes I am! I did spend quite a lot of time walking away from my daughter though just so I could ignore her tantrums/demands. She'll get the message soon.
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Post by Weeble on Nov 24, 2011 21:15:15 GMT
A big virtual hug. Sounds like you are having a tough day today. I have three little ones and sometimes I totally lose it with them too. I remember my mum being like that and I remind myself a lot that I am normal, normal mums are not perfect.
Hope things are easier for you know
Kat
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Post by juppster on Nov 25, 2011 11:09:51 GMT
Hey, well done on getting some of the shouting under control...i don't know of a mummy that doesn't shout sometimes!! Hoping today is more peaceful for you x
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