Lorraine99's diary

[lorraine99]

Well i thought i'd give this diary writing a go, some times feel like my head is full so maybe writing it down will help me concentrate more. Today has been a rubbish day, had a visit from the health visitor that really didn't go well, really felt like she was judging me for not wanting to take antidepressants. She left me feeling really low and very deflated. We spent the rest of the day inside couldn't face the outside world after seeing her. Feeling really anxious tonight and i'm not sure why, i get a numb right cheek when i feel anxious and its really bugging me tonight. I know it sounds strange but sometimes i get anxious about feeling anxious, i get scared that i won't be able to control my anxiety and i'll go mad.

Feel like crying today but i can't, always try to put a brave face on for my hubby and my boy, feel like breaking down today though.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day x

[lorraine99]

Today doesn't feel any better than yesterday, I keep crying and i don't really know why. I feel really lonely today, my oh has been at work since 6.30 so its just me and my boy. We've managed to get up and dressed and had breakfast so i suppose thats an acheivement, i could so easily crawl back under my duvet though. We're gonna get all the toys out and play now so maybe that'll distract me for a while. I just wish I could be happy, I'm letting my boy down

[sarajay28]

Hi Lorraine,

Well done on starting the diary, i've always found it helps me to get it all out of my head so maybe it will do the same for you?

Getting up and getting dresses IS an achievement however small a one you think it might be, another wee suggestion of something i used to do when i was very ill was keep a wee notebook so you could jot down these achievements then at the end of the day (or in weeks/months to come) you can look over it and see that things weren't as bad as you felt at the time, upto you but again this was something that helped me.

Hope you manage to get through the day without too many tears and keep talking! xx

[lorraine99]

Hi Sarajay i really like that idea of keeping a note of all my acheivements, its sometimes hard to focus on the positive so maybe this will help. Well I managed to turn today into a better day, we walked round to the shops for a few bits then we went to the park for half an hour this afternoon. I felt really anxious the whole time we were out but the main thing is I got out of the house and my lo loved being out in the sun. I must remember to make a note of all the good things with did today, especially as i had thought today was going to be much the same as yesterday.

[juppster]

Well done you x

[Weeble]

Hi Lorraine

I hope you don't mind me writing in your diary. Pni can be tough but you will get there promise. Tell us more about you little one. Sounds like you had a lovely time in the sun. Quite jealous I was stuck in an office.

Kat

[frogface]

Lorraine I am also trying to do without anti-depressants. There is a lot of pressure from everywhere to take them. I am finding counselling helpful. And writing here helps too. Good luck.

[lorraine99]

Have written for a few days, spent some time with family over the weekend, which isn't easy as none of them know about my post natal depression or anxiety so i have to try smile and pretend everything is ok. Feeling really down today, feel so lonely. Feel like everyone has something good happening in their life except me, I'm just stuck in the horrible rut. I didn't go out today so little man was grumpy this afternoon cos we'd only seen the same 4 walls all day. My oh starts a new job soon, he's really excited and even though i'm really really happy for him, at the same time i'm jealous and i feel horrible but its so exciting for him, something new, new people etc and i'm still stuck. And what if he moves on from me when he meets new people and has a new life. I need to try get out of the house tomorrow, i just rather stay home, curtains shut, shut the outside world out.

[juppster]

Hugs to you Lorraine, your motivation will come back as you slowly start to recover. How has today been? Did you manage to get out at all? x

[monica]

Hi

Life can seem so bleak with pni. Hugs to you. Do try and get out even if it's walk round block. Try and focus on your achievements no matter how small they seem. Maybe set yourself small goals. When you're low even getting out of the house is brilliant.

Monica