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Post by char16 on May 23, 2012 8:55:30 GMT
Hi all. I'm having a bad time with my mum at the moment, and really don't know what to do. She has an alcohol problem ( although she won't admit it) and just recently she's been getting out of control. She's been getting up very early in the morning and starting drinking straight away. Yesterday she drank 6 bottles of wine by 11.30 am. The thing that worries me the most is that she has 4 of my sisters living with her, the eldest is 14, and the youngest just turned 5 today. My other sister went to mums house at half past 8 this morning as its my youngest sisters birthday, and mum was drinking already. She hasn't even got my sister a present or card, and the house is disgusting because my mums done nothing but drink for 3 days. Weve tried talking to mum about it, but she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. I now refuse to go round when she's drinking because I don't want my children seeing her like that. I really don't know what to do anymore. Any advice anyone?
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Post by juppster on May 23, 2012 9:51:20 GMT
This is such a difficult one hun. One of my friends mothers also is an alcoholic and her younger sister eventually went to live with her sister and then her father. I don't have any personal experience of this so feel it would be inappropriate of me to comment much more but I also know there are a few ladies on here who have experienced this with their mothers and will hopefully be along alter to offer you some sound advice x
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Post by wanagetoverthis on May 23, 2012 12:10:36 GMT
Hi hun
Makes me so sad to hear other people go through this.
My Mother is an alcoholic too and I know all too well the turmoil you're in.
Is she abusive to the kids when she drinks or is she just abusing herself with drinking?
My Mum averages 3 bottles of brandy a day when she is in drink, sometimes escalating to 6 at the worst times.
What I have learned through living through this is that there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop someone from drinking. The only person who can help her is herself. Once she accepts there is a problem then she will be able to get help and get better. There will be an underlying cause to her drinking. This is then fuelled by the guilt of drinking... it is a vicious circle.
You need to protect yourself, your heart and your children's heart's from suffering her drinking. I'm not saying disown her, I'm saying that that must be the priority.
Because your sisters are minors, it would be fair to say that to an extent you feel protective over them also, and rightly so. When people drink heavily they don't think straight and they do some pretty crazy things and don't think responsibly.
Is your Dad around? Or is your Mum married, bf etc? If so, does he drink too or does he encourage her not to?
Has she seen a Doctor about it or would she consider seeing a Doctor? How long has she been drinking for?
In the past, we have done 'interventions' as a whole family... so got everyone (aunties / Uncle's / Grandparents etc) around to the house and sat her down to say 'we all think you are relying on alcohol too much and want you to see someone'.
The reality is her kids are not getting the care they need if she is drunk around them. I was lucky in that my Dad was a responsible parent even though she wasn't so, except for the hours between me coming home from school and my Dad getting home, I had a sober parent around too.
I know it sounds sooo much easier to do than it is (encouraging them to get help), my Mum lived in denial for sooooo many years and to an extent she still does now at times so I get it.
I do think if you have appealed to her better nature and she's denying there is a problem, maybe an intervention is the way to go next.
If that doesn't work, you could get in touch with her Doctor and see if they could maybe go to her or do something. If you explain she has 4 young girls in her care, they should make her see someone.
Tough love initially but the rest is up to her. Like I said, protect those that are too young to deal with it and your own heart too. It's not your fault or anyone elses, your Mum is choosing to drink, she isn't being forced to drink. There is never an excuse to drink, but alcoholics will always pull one out of the air, usually directed at you as the people they love are the first they abuse.
Keep talking to us here hun. We are a forum for Post Natal Illness but you by all means can PM me if you want or the girls here are lovely anyway and I know they will support you x
Nat xxx
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Post by char16 on May 23, 2012 12:47:55 GMT
Thanks for that Nat. I'm so glad theres someone who understands. My mum is married to my youngest sisters dad, although they don't live together, and he's not much use when he's there. Me and my sister go round a lot, but I stay away when mums been drinking, because I don't want my girls seeing her like that. She also attacked me when she was drunk when I was 9 weeks pregnant with my youngest. She isn't physically aggressive to my sisters when shes been drinking, although she can say some pretty hurtful things. A prime example is Xmas day just gone. I called up at about dinner time, and she was already drunk. She carried on drinking, and then started having a go at the kids, saying that they were all ungrateful and that none of them had even wished her merry Xmas (which wasn't true), and then she stormed off to bed, where she stayed for the rest of the day, leaving my sisters to make Xmas dinner for themselves. My mums had issues for a long time. She used to take drugs, but now it's changed to drink. Her drinking has got worse over the past couple of years though. I just don't know what to do for the best. Also, if social services got involved, I'd hate for the children to get taken into care. Me and my sister would both be willing to look after them temporarily, but we just don't know if social services would allow it.
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Post by wanagetoverthis on May 23, 2012 13:07:55 GMT
How old are you hun?
I think social services would allow it (if their Dad would, could he not take them in or is he not very good with them)? But then I also don't think that they will be taken into care immediately either.
If you do nothing and it gets much worse, she wont have a choice about the kids being taken... but if you try to involve the right people now she could get better and be a better Mum.
Is she a good Mum when she is sober and how often is that?
I've had some similar things happen with my Mum too. She got drunk on my 16th birthday. We'd arranged a meal / party for my friends and family at this restaurant and Mum promised she would come and not drink. When I got in from school she was hammered, passed out, I was devastated. We went anyway and then she showed up drunk and embarassed me in front of my friends. She also once went missing for a whole day / night as we went for a Mum / Daughter day (she was saying she'd changed and wanted to make it up to me. Turns out she was drinking the whole day in secret and when I stormed to my room when we got back (she made me get in the car back with her too), she walked back out and drove off. Police were searching all night etc. When they eventually found her, she'd crashed the car. She walked in and I went to give her a huge hug. she stopped me and said 'did that teach you a lesson'? then walked off.
There are lots of painful memories of my Mum's drinking like that, it makes them so selfish, it made me grow up much quicker than I should have.
If she is a good Mum underneath and she has tried her best, then the best thing you can do for her is try to get her help. She wont have her kids taken away from her for having an alcohol problem which she is trying to get past but if she becomes so overcome by drink, it may get to a point when there isn't an option but to take them and I doubt very much she wants that... but is so blinded by the drinking that she can't see it.
Could you try an intervention? Do you have a big family?
N xxx
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Post by char16 on May 23, 2012 13:24:51 GMT
I'm 26 hun. We dont really have a big family. Mums got 2 older sister, but one lives abroad and we don't get to talk to her that much, and she fell out with the other one a couple of years ago, and they haven't spoken since. She's quite close to my grandma, but she's 83 and not in the best of health, and we think if we tell her, it might just finish her off. My mums the nicest person you could meet when she's sober, and sometimes she will go 2 or 3 weeks without drinking, but when then when she does drink, she drinks to the point where she blacks out. It's really frightening. Shes also made several attempts to take her own life over the years, which adds to the worry of involving anyone else. Me and my sister are going to try and talk to her again when she's sober, and hopefully we'll get through to her. Thanks for all your advice. Just hope we make a difference
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Post by wanagetoverthis on May 23, 2012 15:17:32 GMT
So sorry hun, it could be me talking it's just the same totally, or was anyway.
I would tell her you need her to get help or you will have to speak to your Grandma. If she's that close to her, it will hopefully trigger her to do something as if deep down she knows there is a problem, she wont want you to tell your Grandma and therefore, may get help.
Let us know how you get on xxx
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Post by monica on May 29, 2012 10:49:07 GMT
Hi
How are you? I so feelfor you as you are in such a difficult situation. Given that your sisters are children possibly some outside involvement would be necessary? Putting kids into steer homes s a last resort, so I think you wouldn't ave any issues being allowed to look after them. Maybe you could call SS and ask for advice anonymously? There s also al anon a charity fr families of alcoholics. I hope your chat with your mum opens her eyes and makes her want to help herself.
Hugsx
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