butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 13, 2010 9:17:15 GMT
hi girls thankyou for your lovely messages. I am going to tell occ health about whats been going on but i dont want to much of a fuss or to go into too much detail with them as I dont want them knowing to much. i had loads of time off sick befor i had j they'll be really pissed off with me. Due to SPD and a severe viral infection. i know that if i want to i could get signed off sick without any doubt but going back will do me good i need to face my demons head on. seeing as i work in the hospital j was really sick in, it'll be weird and hard, so many painful memories will flood into my head when i just simply walk up the corridor. but i have to face them and deal with them. Nothing in the world will grap and hold my attention more than doing the job i love. and hopefully it will help build my confidence back. a few months ago i was the person advicing people about stuff and now every week there is a health visitor sitting on my sofa telling me what to do....and although they mean well and i really appricate them.... its very patronising for me to listen to, i am not stupid i know at what age the goverment reccommend to wean a baby and i know why. i choose to ignore a lot of what they say.... breast is breast ?!!!LOL no not always.... not when a mother is so tired she is going to crash her car or get pni from being so isolated and its certainly not best if its poisoned with anti depressants. Yet i still keep doing it cos little j wont take a bottle lol, saying that she is beginning to. i do like the fact that i can eat what like though and not put on weight! i am waiting for councilling kat, on a 12 week waiting list. when the nursery nurse came out last week she mentioned there had been a meeting (hopefully not just about me and my problems) and this was mentioned but also an alternative was being looked into.... so i dont know what thats all about maybe my hv will tell me next week. Kat do you mind telling me what happend to your son? and your sisters - thats so sad. i dont have a clue how awlful that must have been for a child but i know how much my 2 year old was effected by j being in hospital and stuff that seemed bad enough. My hubbys elder brother died of a cot death when he was a few months old (hense why i am paranoid about my babies stopping breathing and have a movement mat on j cot) my hubby wasn;t born at the time. but the effects of his family loosing that babba still live on today. the reason for that is that none of them had any councilling at all and have never spoken about it since. my eldest sister in law has spoke to me about it a few times and has had therapy in recent years (would have been about 6 at the time, i think she saw the poor little baby when he had passed). The reason why i say this kat is to just emphasis you are totally doing the right thing by talking about it to your therpapist, your brave for doing so. keep doing it. As my hubbys parent i wouldn;t say are happy in the slightest and have used alcohol to bloke out the pain. anyway yesterday wasn;t too bad had a massive row with hubby but made up. saw my sister and brother in law and step niece and had a meal in the pub. j had a bit of colic in the evening and i had to give her calpol as she was in so much pain. but she is ok this morning. over and out !
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 13, 2010 9:45:46 GMT
oh just wanted to write the wierdest thing in the world happend. my cat is very old and skinny. he is really vocal and friendly with all the neighbour. the other day i noticed he went missing - turned out one of my cheeky neighbours took it upon themself to take my cat to the vet and then to the local animal rescue center - god i am so pissed off! she either thought a he was just a stray (but i doubt it cos everyone knows he's mine). or that i waas neglecting it. it was lucky one of my neighbours found out and put 2 and 2 together and told me, the animal santuary were really nice. the vets are giving us a ring back today with details of the people that took him thier, funnily enough the vet couldn't find anything wrong with him - apart from having no teeth. So i am not only down as a bad parent but also a cat starver! bless him. he's gone out this morning and i dont know where he has been out for ages. My poor cat though i rescued him 9 years ago and he was old then, he had been in a cattery place for a a whole year! no one wanted him hense why i took him on i loved his manky looks and big personality i had his brother too but had to have him put down 5 months ago. i am getting paranoid thinking that the lady has kidnapped him again. i couldn;t talk to her last night as i had a drink and i know her husband has a heart condition i dont want to be reponsible for causing a heart attack even if they did catnap my cat. but i think i will have to say something! even if its a note through the door. the dramas that happen in my life are endless!
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Post by Weeble on Aug 13, 2010 11:22:46 GMT
Hi Lucy,
just a short note, will discuss the cat later. But yes will tell you about my little boy and my sisters. Cant talk about the emotional side of it all properly yet, but can do the facts.
So, my first son was born by emergency section after a 34 hour labour and I had planned a home delivery, it was really well managed and we did fine - I got PND afterwards but that was triggered by a whole list of life events - for another day. Then two summers ago I had an ectopic pregnancy that was treated conservatively at my request. I got pregnant again three months later and proceeded with what appeared to be a normal pregnancy, I was planned for a VBAC and they thought there was no reason why it would not be successful. However, T's pregnancy was hard compared to S and my current one. I suffered a lot of pain where the ectopic had been and had really bad heart burn and constipation - drank bottles of Gaviscon, lactulose and fybogel. About four weeks before I had T I was 34 weeks, I developed really severe pain and my uterus become painful, so I went up to the hospital, I was not in labour. Ok sorry have to go, but will tell you the rest of the story when I get back later
Kat
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Post by Victoria on Aug 13, 2010 17:15:36 GMT
Sorry have to be quick as running upstairs for a bath for half an hour of kid free time but just want to say OMG some ppl!!!!! i would have to say something to her. That amounts to stealing, if she knew the cat was yours, and she thought he wasnt being looked after she surely should have just spoken to you first and you could have told her he is old etc. Some ppl are just interfering busy bodies. Rant over and off for a bath. Take care hun. xxx
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Post by Weeble on Aug 13, 2010 20:48:21 GMT
Hi Lucy
promised to come back and finish.
So, got to the point where I went to hospital, I had one of those really C**P registrars he seems to have been a locum. When he came in, he examined me and it was unbelieveably painful, but he said nothing was wrong. I heard the senior midwife and him having an argument outside. I felt completely humilated and the pain was so bad. So went home and just kept going, the pain got worse and worse, I could hardly walk and it took me 5 mins to stand up. Then I went into labour it was unbelievably painful, no respite pain relief did not work. It all sort of got out of control. After a long time the consultant wanted to do forceps and I refused. The regional anaesthesia did not work, so they did a crash GA as the whole thing was sort of going wrong. When they got T out they found I had necrotic adhesions and my omentum had gone necrotic. When I woke up after the GA - four hours later, the pain was unmanageable. I know now having seen the anaethetist recently that it is not surprising that all the pain relief failed as I was in severe pain for so long. They have apologised and in the words of the head of midwifery we were all very lucky. Its very difficult for me to write anymore but I woke up from all the morphine etc 24 hours later and my world has never been the same since. So I was a mess came home and my world was different I was so shocked I looked at my elder son and it seemed I had lost him, everytime I closed my eyes my head just felt like in collapsed.
About nine days later I was out for a walk, around our village and I saw a horrific crash where three people did one a young child. Then the next morning I was sitting watching TV and noticed my newborn babies fingers were going black. I rang my GP who sent us to the hospital. The difficult thing was we saw four junior doctors the first one was so new she was no trouble but the next one wanted to send him home, I said I was not happy so they asked the paeds to come, again the paeds reg said lets give him oral antibiotics and send him home. I held my own and said I would only go home if the consultant said so, funny they rang the consultant and she said he had to come in and have 48 hours IV antibiotics. By the time he was admitted his toes were black too. They put in on antibiotics but I was not happy, but they persuaded me to wait 24 hours, funny it got worse and the blackness spread. The next morning the consultant came round and said ****** what are you playing at this baby should be on different antibiotics - funny enough once they started those he got better really quickly. But I was totally crushed, I could hardly cope being in hospital again, when we had been in A&E the staff had been talking about the dead child and then if for the second time that month they had not managed a potentially nasty illness properly.
So that is what happened, no where near as horrific as your daughter.
as for my sisters, the first one died during delivery as a result of hospital negligence, I never saw her but having covered it in therapy I understand that I could not understand what had happened to the baby. My mothers next child was born and died as a neonate as a result of congenital problems.
I struggle to talk about it all but I had no idea until now how much I was affected by what happened as a young child. My Mum and Dad never had any help but recently my mum has started see a psychologist to help her and she is slowly dealing with it. It seems what happened when I had T was the final straw for her too.
On to the cat, I am so pleased you found her, that must have been really worrying. I personally would take the moral high ground and drop a little note through her door, saying thank you for rescuing your cat it was really considerate and saying she is well loved and cared for but is getting very old etc etc. It would make me feel better not to sink to her level. Totally agree with FSG above.
Love Kat
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 13, 2010 23:12:40 GMT
Hi, just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story kat. You poor poor thing, there is not a women on this earth who wouldn't have pni if they went throough all that you went through. I think the simularity in our experiences is this, we both experienced a sequence of traumatic events whilst in an extremly vunerable state, tipping us into pni. I can't imagine how alwful it would have been to go through all of that- one drama at a time please!
I let my hubby go and talk to the catnapper! I thought in my mad mind I'd say the wrong thing. Had a good evening singine on my sister in laws wii. J had to come too incase she needed to be fed but she was as good as gold.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 14, 2010 22:20:34 GMT
Hello ladies, Glad to report I've been fairly happy today, have,'t had any crying episodes but still a few flash backs. I notice that when I have a good day I am able to see more clearly who beautiful and lovely my children are which is so nice as when I'm low pain and anxiety blur everything. But today was good. Xx
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Post by Victoria on Aug 15, 2010 7:53:56 GMT
Glad to hear you had a good day yesterday hun. xxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 15, 2010 11:21:35 GMT
Hi girls/ diary, Last night wasn't great very jumpy and anxious. Not helped by being woken up by a massive row next door! Least I'm not the only one with problems! Anyway not too bad today.
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Post by Victoria on Aug 15, 2010 16:54:06 GMT
Just a quickie as just got in the door but I hope tonight is better for you.....am feeling much the same today and wondering if we are ever gonna feel normal. xxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 15, 2010 22:46:50 GMT
Hi girls/ diary, Last night wasn't great very jumpy and anxious. Not helped by being woken up by a massive row next door! Least I'm not the only one with problems! Today was a bit crap. Had a argument with hubby, he was out of order. It was about the complaint we r mking. He got cross cos I hadn't kept him up to date with what's going on. He has obviously been speaking to his know it all dad who doesn't understand why we r complaining I have tried to explain to him but he won't listen. At the end of the day he wasn't there while everything was going on and he can keep his opinions to himself. My hubby and I made up nnow after he made me so upset I was sobbing, getting horrible flash backs and thinking of killing myslef seriously, even had planned who I wanted to care for my kids in my mind just didn't have the guts. I can't handle talking about harsh issues when I am havinng a down day. This evening I said to hubby he supports me in my depression etc or we end our relasionship. I think that kicked him up the arse and took me seriously. Hw did listen to me and we have just discussed the complaint. But it doesn't help the fact I am seriously down and don't know what way to turn. I have been to the doctor, I have spoke to my HV, I have put my hands up and said I can't cope I need help. But I still feel no better. I still what to run out the door. If my baby wasn't reliant on me to feed her and I know if I was,nt here she'd have pain in her tummy through hunger I would have jumped oFf a cliff or taken a fatal overdose by now. I am fed up with feeling fed up. I need someone to listen to my f**ked up head, I cannt wait 12 long weeks. Why can't they put me on an antidepressannt that works I am prescibed 25mg and the recommeded dose for a OLD frail person in 75mf hense why it is not working they think a placebo ddose will work, cos they don't think anything is wrong with me. Which is excatlyy what I thought would happen. I don't think they will take me seriously unless I try to hurt myself, I wouldn't do that- if I was going to end it I'd end it, I've thought and planneed it enough times. I won't though something stops me thank goodness I just pray it continues to stop me. Sorry to go on I must sound crazy, I am. Just wish someone would help me.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 16, 2010 10:22:19 GMT
well here i am again, writing hopeing that it will help. I am again feeling really down. The phone just rang and it was a lady trying to get me to sign up for a book club i let her rant on for a bit cos it was just nice to hear a friendly voice. She must have thought i was a complete idiot when i said i buy my kids books from second hand shops and boot fairs. I dont think having no money is a terrible thing you can still be a good mum, but i am not. i cant even read a book to my kids today. i dont know how i have managed to get them dressed. actually my 2 year old isn't fully dressed - but i suppose i am tring to potty train him ( failing like everything else). i cant see the happy side of anything today, i cant look forward or get excited about anything. the thought of ending my life is more tempting, i dont want to feel like this forever i am and will be the worst parent in the world if this continues. if this continues i dont know what i am going to do. i cant be mean about my hubby he just phoned and asked how i was , i could hear the disapointment in his voice when i said i felt alwful. i wish i could be a good wife and have a smile on my face as he walks in the door after working hard all day
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Post by Victoria on Aug 16, 2010 12:08:08 GMT
I know how you feel hun about hearing the disappointment when you say you are having a bad day..........my hubby is fantastic but I know that when he asks me how i am, he wants to hear that i am ok and that the miracle tablets are doing their job......when i say that i am not good and feel terrible, his face drops and he just kinda says oh. I feel like i am letting him down and am so terrified that i am gonna drag him down and make him depressed to.
I am so sorry you having such a hard time, must be something in the air as I have felt like i am on a downward spiral this last week. i dont want to be a mum anymore. I just keep wishing I hadnt had ruby and that all would be ok, if I hadnt, cos then the other kids are getting that bit older they can go out to play and go to school etc and I dont have to phyiscally get them dressed or change their bums or anything like that. I feel so bad for saying it cos she is a cheeky lovely little girl but I wish she wasnt my cheeky lovely little girl. I dont want the responsibility.
We feel like total failures and head cases, yet ppl keep saying it will get better but when? At the moment, I am struggling to see the light and cant see myself feeling normal again. I know I will, I have to know that otherwise I will give up. But it is soooo hard to find a glimmer of positivity at the moment.
Try and keep strong and hang on to anything good that you can find in this horrible illness. xxx
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Post by Weeble on Aug 16, 2010 20:01:33 GMT
Hi Lucy
I have had all the feelings you described last night and still have them so please dont feel bad about them. However, I think you should go and see your GP ideally tomorrow about those suicidal thoughts and plans. It may be the drugs and they should check you out for the sake of your children and you. As a plea from a fellow sufferer dont make the mistake I made and nearly do it. I am only here because of the grace of god, I got far too close and did not ask for help with my suicidal thoughts and plans.
With love and keep strong, you will find a way out and your PNI is totally understandable when you consider what you have been through
Kat
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Post by Victoria on Aug 16, 2010 20:32:35 GMT
I second that hun, go and see your gp or ask to speak to them on the phone. Be strong. xxx
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