butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Aug 6, 2010 6:04:50 GMT
well this is day 1 of my diary. Hoping this will help me recover.
Today I feel like I am having a good day - however it is only 6.53am! Sounds stupid but somedays I view the world negatively and nothing is happy or right. today feels like a good day.
Yesterday was a bad day. Even though my mum was great and really tried to cheer me up. God knows what i'd be like if she hadnt. I managed to get to my GP and tell him I thought I was depressed. All he asked me was am I not sleeping? That was it. Then he had to look up what tablet i could take as i still breastfeed. That really scared me I would ahve trusted him more if he new and then just checked. I have got to go back in 2 weeks as they have only started me on a really low dose of dosulepin. It may need increasing. I breifly caught glimpse of a letter on the computer from my health visitor, explaining stuff. God I wish I could have read it. I'd like to read all my medical notes. I get a bit paranoid about what people would write about me. My daughters, I'd like to read hers. I wonder if they wrote what a bad mother, or that I was a pain in the arse for asking questions and crying all the time.
Enough! I will write tomorrow. or maybe later if i need to.
xx
|
|
|
Post by monica on Aug 6, 2010 8:57:15 GMT
Hi
Hope you don't mind me replyign to your diary.
Welldone on going to drs - it's not an easy thing to do but you've made that first all important step even if he wasn't especially forthcoming. It's probably a good thing he double checked - a few drs I go do that reguarly so don't be alarmed. Good luck wiht the meds - they were the turning point for me so hope it's the same for you.
I'm sure nobody wrote anything bad about you. After all you are a brilliant mum, just ill with this horrible debilitating illness. It's quite normal and good to ask lots of questions and as for crying - well that's all I used to do when very ill. You're not alone so I'm sure they're used to seeing mums with pni.
Glad today is a good day for you!
Monica
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on Aug 6, 2010 19:58:12 GMT
Hi Loopylu/ Lucy
Really great to see you in this section, I hope its ok to write too.
I reckon the GP was being a good one, he trusted the Health Visitor and knows that the courage it took to come and ask for help was big. On the drugs he did exactly the write thing checking as you are breastfeeding, I am always reassured by a Doctor who checks rather than assumes.
I can guarantee that your health visitors letter does not think you are a bad mother, if she did she would be doing different things, it took me six months to ask my health visitor if they were worried for my kids and she says they never were it was only me they worried for.
I would ask you Health visitor if you can read her letter, I am sure she will show you. I dont know where you live, but round my area of the country my HV told me they see huge amounts of PNI. About 1 in 5 mums get something, she said there are only two main roles for HVs at the moment child protection which is relatively rare in our area and PNI so I would imagine your HV is the same.
so before I disappear to eat my supper, well done on asking for help, and welcome to the Diary section
Kat
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Aug 6, 2010 21:31:09 GMT
Well today was'nt as good as I initally thought. Had lots of crying episodes and flash backs. Tried to write a poem but couldn't finish it as jo started crying. But did manage to go into town (admitedly with hubby) and went into a shop on my own with jas and bought a wedding aniversary card ( bet he regrets it)! Also some christening invitations. I can't get deeply excited about the christening, but I'm hoping when the meds kick in I will. I couldn't write a list of who to invite because I didn't think anyone likes us enough to come. This evening jo screamed for an hour and a half. I thought she had belly ache as had diarrhea befor! She settle wiith calpol. Now I think I have a bug too have bad belly ache. Worried that the mmeds are doing iit to us. Maybe I should stop if they upset her. But I do need them - catch 22.
Over and out!
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Aug 6, 2010 21:38:11 GMT
Thanks kat- just read your message. Lovely to get comments on here, I hope to beable to read more of others accounts but I feel really anxious I might say the wrong thing. And being new to pni don't have any experience. But I'm sure my anxiety will pass soon and I'll start reading others stories. Some of the stuff people suffer with pni is really upsetting. Anyways take care kat nighty night!
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Aug 7, 2010 8:04:46 GMT
I am having the worst morning. Tried to talk to my husband about our money problems and he was really nasty about it. But I just thought I want to know about everything - he has been keeping our money problems away from me hiding stuff, bills and debts. Then we talked about my depression, basically he doesn't believe I am ill just thinks its all my choice and I can snap out of it if I want! As if! I I could be f**king happy and smile and laugh and smile with my kids I would but I can't. I am begging him to cheer up and not be moody with me. But he's stomping around the house like a bull. I am so tried I want to lay in bed and go to sleep or just have a cry in peace. I wish he understood. I need him. I'm doing everything I can, asking for help, taking pills, waiting for councilling, starting a group. What else can I do - can I just snap out of it like he says. I know it must be horrible living with me at the moment. I want to run away cos they'd be better off without me. Bye bye loobylu xx
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on Aug 7, 2010 9:00:08 GMT
HI Lucy
Oh the bad mornings are terrible poor you. I have to run out the door because my OH and I are going away for his 40th birthday but saw your message and thought I would just say the following things.
Firstly, when I first developed PNI Last year (for the second time) by OH did all the same sorts of things, in the end he was diagnosed with depression too, but only after months of struggling. So I really understand. Have you tried showing him some stuff on the web about PND good websites are NCT, the royal college of psychiatrists and Mind.
Please post on my diary, it really helps that people write and have no fear of saying the wrong thing, it something many of us suffer from. Your comments would be lovely
will be thinking of you and will be able to read your posts for the next few days but not sure if I will get on
Love
Kat
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Aug 7, 2010 9:30:47 GMT
Thanks kat x I'll be reading your diary posts and getting to hear your experiences might help.
|
|
|
Post by Victoria on Aug 7, 2010 13:42:16 GMT
Hi Lucy, just wanted to say hi. I am on my third week of meds, not BF ing though like you, if you think the meds are upsetting bubs give your gp a call I am not sure how many there are you can try? Sorry i am not much help but just wanted to say this site is great for getting things off your chest, this diary is helping me a lot to get down what i want to say. It is hard for partners to understand how depression can make you feel unless they have been there for themselves. I was the same about ppl saying they are depressed before I started to suffer. And now I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Just keep writing hun there is always someone on here to offer you support. xxx
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Aug 7, 2010 20:14:40 GMT
Thanks feathersnowglitter. My baby is has a upset tummy. But I think its a bug. I wish the happy pills would start to take effect soon!
|
|
|
Post by monica on Aug 8, 2010 8:08:23 GMT
Hi
Sorry about baby being ill - there seem to be tonnes of bugs about atm.
Take each hour as it comes - it's horrible waiting for meds to kick in but they should do soon. I found mine kicked in at 2-3 weeks but everyone is different.
Are things anybetter with oh? As fsg said people who don't understnd depression often think you can just snap out of it but that's just not the case - after all who enjoys feeling crap? With men too they often get quite defensive.Sure the way you feel must be worrying for him but in stead of showing you compassion he instinctively gets angry. Mine did this too. Also it's easier fo him to bury his head in the sand rather than tackle any issues head on. Could you get him to do practical tasks - he might takea that better and get your emotional support from others?
Big hugs to you - hope today is good for you?
Love
Monica
|
|
|
Post by Weeble on Aug 8, 2010 16:35:15 GMT
Hi Lucy
agree with the girls above, I always had empathy for depression before I suffered but now I really understand I can completely get it. Hope things are going ok with your OH and he is calming down.
Keep in touch
Kat
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Aug 8, 2010 21:41:04 GMT
Hi girls
Omg, I don't know what's happend to me today but I feel a bit brighter. I have'ntt cried today! Went for a lovely walk along the seafront with the kids and hubby. Everyone was in a good mood (including hubby) which made a difference. Well I am hoping I feel like this tomorrow. And even if I don't I enjoyed being happy me today. My hubby is working tomorrow so I am home alone with the kids. Terrifying thought. I haven't even looked at the calender to see if my HV or anyone is coming out. I have got to pop to the post office and also organise my babies christening ( including decorating a cake!!). Going out of thhe house to a public place with the kids is one thing I aviod doing at all costs. I need to start setting some goals and to do lists in my life. Number one walk to shop and buy stamps. With a stop off at the swings. If I can't do it or end up taking someone with me I won't freak just will execpt its not yet time. I also has got to ensure my baby is ggiven a botttle tomorrow. She has just got to take one. It won't be long bf I go back to work. Anyways. A far more positive entry today I think!
Lucyb x
|
|
|
Post by juppster on Aug 9, 2010 8:43:15 GMT
Hey Lucyb Welcome to the diary section...i have been away since Friday so am only just cathching up. Well done on getting your app witht he GP and starting on some meds. Im so gald you had a better day yesterday...i think you will find this starts to happen more and more as the meds start to do their thing. I think setting yourself small steps is absolutely the right thing to do and please don't beat yourself up if you don't achieve them, as you say, its just not the right time yet. How are you doing this morning with hubby back at work...I always used to dread Mondays too being on my own with the baby but it did gradually get better. Please don't feel anxious about writing the wrong thing in someone elses diary, I always used to feel this way too but i think any help or support you can give on here goes such a long way. I truel hope today is a good day for you hun x
|
|
butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
|
Post by butterfly on Aug 9, 2010 19:58:21 GMT
Hi ladies Thanks for the message juppster. I am going to set myself goals as you said. I didn't manage to get to the post office on my own. I drove into town with my mum. But she didn't help me with the kids I looked after them on my own. Had a few palitaions and felt a bit anxious/stressed whenn we got stuck in traffic and they were both screaming. On a positive note my baby took a few ounzes of milk in a bottle from my mum then settled herself to sleep with her thumb! This really reassures me coz I have got to go back to work (christ knows how) but if I don't we'll be so skint we'll definatly loose our home. No pressure! I am really REALLY scared I have noticed my hair is falling out!! Is this a thing linked to pni does anyone know? It. Happend to a friend of mine. I hope it doesn't get worse but it does seem to be... On a positive note I felt I had quite a productive day, thought I was going to have a couple of flashbacks but sort of stopped them. And also felt like I was gonna cry but managed to stop myself. Had quite a lot of energy and was able to do loads of washing/ironing. Even sorted some clothes out as she has grown so quick! Hope tomorrow is a productive day too! Over and out!xxx
|
|