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Post by jessibella on Feb 26, 2013 22:12:55 GMT
C25 M54 (think I'm going to stop recording the mirtazapine as it's pretty much regular and I don't think I need to know how many days now).
Well I'm still battling those negative thoughts that keep on pop pop popping into my head. Feel like I'm having to bat them away like pesky flies but from time to time I miss and find myself in the middle of the swarm. I guess it's like strengthening a muscle that I don't use very often. If I keep on "letting go" I'll eventually find it easier as I get stronger at it.
Sometimes the negative thoughts are very clear messages like "I feel bad therefore I'm not getting better" sometimes they are more like memories like I'll remember something bad or I'll remember something good but it makes me feel bad. That probably doesn't make much sense but it's like my memory is distorted so even good times I've had are remembered through a negative filter.
I do think that the more independent Flower is the easier I find looking after her. Babies are so physically needy as they can't hardly do anything for themselves. Even now at only 6 months she is more independent. She is able to amuse herself for short periods and can now grab foods and (sometimes) get them in her mouth. I can see that she will become more and more independent and I will have more and more time to myself. I do think that returning to work for a few days a week might also help me as it will occupy me, give me something else to think about and also make me appreciate my time with her more.
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Post by juppster on Feb 27, 2013 8:51:55 GMT
It definitely got easier for me as my son got older and more independent. I would seriously consider the working option, you need some adult time and for your brain to be used in a capacity beyond motherhood. .its a great distraction too x
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Post by jessibella on Feb 28, 2013 19:22:16 GMT
C26/27
Glass half empty or half full.
Well I'm starting to feel like I'm no longer rock bottom but that I'm mainly around 50% there. It does make it tricky sometimes as I start worrying perhaps this is the best I can hope for, perhaps I'm just not made for motherhood. I know this is the depression talking though and I have to try and ignore it.
Yesterday was OK on and off. Saw mental health prac and discussed my feelings about taking venlafaxine and she suggested see how I feel in a week or two.
Today I managed to find a local pnd support group, planning to go along tomorrow. Hope it'll help and at least I'll feel a bit less alone.
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Post by juppster on Mar 1, 2013 7:55:19 GMT
Hoping the support group goes well today, it can really help to meet up with people whom are going through similar to you at the moment x
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Post by monica on Mar 1, 2013 15:06:10 GMT
Hope the pnd session was good. I found that meeting others in a similar position really helped.
I honestly think u r doing really well. I know the down times are still there but that's as long as the general trajectory is upwards that's the main thingx
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Post by jessibella on Mar 1, 2013 22:19:27 GMT
C28
Pulled my neck badly yesterday whilst getting changed. Hurt so much I was lying on my bed in agony and couldn't get up. By this point Flower was crying out for me and needing my attention and I was stuck. Mr was out of the house luckily my phone was in reach so I called him. I remember at the time feeling so down and thinking I'd never cope but I managed to pull myself up and go to Flower and get us both downstairs. Luckily Mr arrived back quickly and took over and things were actually OK in the end.
It really highlighted for me that bad feelings pass and that I can cope even when I think I can't. After pain there is relief!
Today was up and down. Morning was pretty low and my neck still felt very stiff. Managed to get up and going and my mum came to visit which was enjoyable. We went and got a sandwich and chatted and played with Flower. Later my cousin came by and Flower was being so charming I felt very proud of her. She seems to have a naturally sunny nature and an interest in people and conversations. I guess I must be doing something right.
Pnd group was cancelled so I didn't get to go this week but will try and go to one soon.
This evening I have found myself worrying about my recovery and wondering of I will ever get there. I do know that it will happen eventually and that everyday there are moments of happiness even if they are fleeting.
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Post by juppster on Mar 2, 2013 9:38:30 GMT
Ouch on the nec k I remember putting my back out badly when I was putting jack in his car seat and having to ring hubby because I couldn't move! Scary but always someone around to help and well done you for coping. Hoping the weekend brings even more chinks of happiness x x
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Post by jessibella on Mar 2, 2013 22:18:22 GMT
C29
Numb..
Not been a good day today. I have been feeling terribly numb all day not happy or even sad but numb, alone , lethargic and confused.
I almost feel I have been depressed so long now my mind can't take it anymore. I felt totally unenthusiastic all day. I so desperately want to feel like a normal mum. I feel I never will and worry it was a big mistake to have a baby. Sometimes all I can see in my future is one long black tunnel.
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Post by juppster on Mar 3, 2013 10:13:04 GMT
Try to just accept yesterday as a bad day, they will happen every now and then, but then you'll get a good day where you'll be able to put things into perspective. Have you tried doing some gentle exercise, preferably outside? This can be helpful and although its probably the last thing you feel like doing it may be worth a shot x
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Post by Weeble on Mar 3, 2013 19:25:29 GMT
hi Jess
Sorry I have not been around my life has been busy. Your pnd group sounds helpful, i had a group for mums with depression a couple of years ago. It really helped me too. The numb days, i hate them, for me its been the Numb years but the good news is they get less and less and more and more days feel better - promise you will be the same. Flower sounds like she is getting on well, i agree with Juppster its so much easier as they become a little more independent. However, I have to say they never really detach. I am quite glad they come to me first for most things.
Hope today went well, i think the weather is going to be warm tomorrow.
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Mar 3, 2013 21:38:44 GMT
C30
Well today was better than yesterday. Busy seeing family most of the day which kept my brain occupied though I was bothered by flashes of feeling low.
Been thinking a lot again about taking the venlafaxine. Just keep think that if it helped I could enjoy the rest of my maternity leave more and the precious time with my flower. I hate the feeling I am missing out by being emotionally absent during this period in her life. If I knew they would help I would take them right away! Wish someone could tell me what to do.
I read Brooke shields book about her PND. I thought it would be encouraging but I actually felt it gave an inaccurate portrayal as she felt better very quickly after taking AD's. She didn't have any trying all different ones and awful side effects that many of us go through. I actually felt envious that she felt better so much more easily than I seem to be.
Will give it till Wed again and see how I'm doing. Silly think isi feel I will be letting down my CBT therapist if I go for the AD's as I suspect she feels that I could get better without them. Ugh don't know what to do I'm completely split in half.
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Post by Weeble on Mar 4, 2013 20:31:25 GMT
Do what right for you not what's right for your therapist. I feel the same about my mat leave I lost it all feeling crap but the good news is its not the best time. As flower grows into a toddler and then a school kid, you will have the most amazing of times.
Kat
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Post by jessibella on Mar 4, 2013 20:42:49 GMT
Thanks Kat that's exactly what I needed to hear right now. I'm so worried about not having that bond with her due to being I'll.xx
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Post by jessibella on Mar 4, 2013 22:21:09 GMT
C31
Low day today.
I went to see a friend in the morning and we took the babies to the park. Wish I could have enjoyed it more but was just feeling down. Hate putting on a brave face when all I want is to be a happy mummy like my friend.
Home in the afternoon I just felt so down I was tearful on and off. Poor Mr didn't know what to do and just suggested I try the new AD.
I'm starting to feel like I need to try something else to see if it helps.
Weirdly enough I didn't feel too bad in the evening and enjoyed chilling out with Mr. Think it helped that I looked back through my journal and saw I had a few OK days last week and things didn't seem so bad.
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Post by Weeble on Mar 5, 2013 19:53:36 GMT
dont worry about not bonding it will come. my little boy is three and since christmas i have really started him to feel him. he is absolutely fine. I think you are doing everything you can for your little girl and she knows it
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