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Post by kmum on Apr 21, 2014 22:43:02 GMT
Juppster is soooo right. You have to be easier on yourself. I'm exactly the same. I put so much pressure on myself to achieve normal stuff I did before even I got pregnant. My therapist pointed out that I'm not the same person as before. How can I be?!?! The pregnancy difficulties, the business, the birth trauma, being unwell afterwards and going back TK work early! My age and my body are simply telling me 'no'! That I have to realise my new capabilities and with regards to the pnd, to go really slowly.
You see its easy telling someone else the above but iv just spent 10 solid minutes in the bathroom argueing with myself over the fact I keep feeling I should be back helping run our business full time!!!!!!! Like before!!! When in actual fact...it's just not possible right now! I hate the fact iv let biz partner down and she is left with full brunt! I hate loosing control and feel so stupid to think I didn't see all of this coming before!
I guess the hardest thing for me was 'stopping'! My body shut off and I couldn't get out if bed! Confusion, fear, anxiety and my whole future and new family flashed before my eyes. I think the worst thing about PND is the not knowing when you will recover! I was so scared! I still am except now I'm on road to recovery the CBT and pills make me think clearer and it's all less daunting!
The darkest days are so hard to step out of to gain confidence and carry on. But the simple fact is...you just have to! Carry on!!! Take each day at a time and literally don't expect too much of yourself. My therapist said that it will fade and all of a sudden one day you will think that the last day wasn't quite as bad. Then maybe a particular week, an ld then a month! So far, iv had the week but few low days followed. Past few days have been great again so all good!
Again my therapist guy wants me to continue normal daily stuff no matter how bad I feel! I plan and complete a diary sheet every two days so I always know what is coming up! And when I feel really really bad I get up and look after my boy and tell myself that it will pass. I'm not supposed to ignore it but rather, acknowledge that I'm feeling a certain way and just carry one. Eventually the physical feelings fade and by doing this a few times it's built my confidence a bit. So when I'm feeling real bad I know that if I do this, it will wear off and get better. So far so good! But I do worry that I will loose all control again as I believe second time round ...it's more difficult to reprogramme yourself to thinking differently!
So as Juppster says...you should try confide in someone about the posters and simply try your best. Don't give up :-)
X
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 22, 2014 12:31:10 GMT
Thanks lovelies, all good advice. I'm going to have a proper moan now. If I can't do it here where can I!? I think one of the worst parts of this illness for me is not feeling connected to people. Not feeling a warmth. And actually feeling isolated. Today is one of those days. I feel distant and 'seperate' from everyone and because its a horrible feeling I'm casting around for something to mmake me feel better. My OH and I are distant-he's tired, I'm tired, last night was exhausting to the point of hysterical! We thought we'd treat ourselves to a takeaway and there was chicken in mine- I hadn't eaten meat for 20 years! I phoned and complained etc but it ruined our evening because it upset me (more than it should have done) because it pushed my buttons. I'm allergic to prawns in a big way (nearly died last time) and the thought of anything in my food that I didn't ask for is a trigger. Anyway, im not feeling great today, I think my tummy is complaining at me. Bah, rubbish. I really must shut up and get on with things. Like being a good mother and partner amongst others.
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 22, 2014 19:36:45 GMT
By the way, I've agreed to design the poster for the festival. I'm a designer by trade and I figured that it was the best thing to do as I could do it regardless of how I was feeling. Should be fun x P.s I was feeling really bad earlier, still am a bit. BUT....I have been feeling pretty good so phew to that.
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Post by kmum on Apr 22, 2014 21:04:33 GMT
Brill re the posters. Good for you. Listen, about the chicken scenario!!! That's a lot of people on a normal day lol. PMT or tiredness never mind a mix of PND. So don't worry about it! Was obviously the cherry on the cake as you were depending on it making you happy last night and a wee treat! Totally get it.
I think because of the tiredness, mentally and physically there is less of an ability to cope with the norm. It sucks!!!
Good to hear you 'trying' to be positive in your last post even if it's not entirely how you feel. Sounds like the start of something good.
Totally get the disconnected thing. I remember sitting with my sis in law and best friend in January with our babies. We were just drinking tea and chatting and I felt like my mouth wouldn't open. I felt withdrawn and self conscious and weird! I remember saying to my husband that night that I had an odd day and got all upset about it! It was only by Feb time I fully understood that was all part if the depression! It's a terrible feeling. Like being in a bubble looking out. Like your brain has been put on charge and until it's charged and the green light comes on, you aren't able to fully function and hold a conversation.
Incidentally my therapist says it's just because your brain has to work harder and zaps you if energy making everything seem like it's slow motion! Completely normal. Apparently!!!!
I have def felt sharper and can think more clearly since starting the meds. Well, it did take at least 3 weeks of sheer hell before I started feeling more myself. This past week despite a cold and a long weekend on my own a lot, iv laughed more times than I have in about the past year! True tickle me type of laughter which is good for the sole! I need that!!!
If you can't moan here where can you?! Exactly! I'm sure people have stopped reading my posts...but does it make me happier?? Yes!!! Lol
So keep em coming from your end too. And il keep reading :-)
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 23, 2014 11:47:14 GMT
Hi kmum, Glad you're feeling better recently hun! Im not sure how well suited I am to your therapists advice to 'carry on no matter how bad you feel'. I often feel that for me, it was doing just that that got me into such a mess! Anyway, trying to be positive is always a good start, like you say. I'm sure your diary is still being read, dont worry xx
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Post by monica on Apr 24, 2014 5:55:33 GMT
Well done on carrying on with poster design. It will give u huge boost I'm sure. How have things been.
Re km therapists advice I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm bit like u I find I have to listen to my body as pushing myself when exhausted can make my mood nosedive however especially when feeling low its easier to stop doing things u would ordinarily and a little nudge to make urself do things u don't really feel like doing can be a great boost! X
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Post by kmum on Apr 24, 2014 22:43:49 GMT
Hey I think what he means is more about retraining the mind to get out if way of thinking it can't do things or to reduce the physical symptoms like panic attacks and anxiousness. I'm really bad at explaining these things sorry!
When I felt really bad I used to hide in bed and withdraw. He taught me to except how I felt and to try to do things I avoided and after an hour or few hours I'd start feeling better. He said if I hid away or avoided things that I'm just confirming what my body already thinks is a threat! My panic attacks and low moods were brought on by a fight or flights instinct. After doing this quite a few times I just felt that the physical symptoms reduced a little and my body was less likely to feel it was in emergency mode!!!
Don't get me wrong....baby steps and all that. I still find it tough to do!!!
For anyone interested...Ruby Wax book 'sane New World' is a really good read and she's quite into 'mindfulness'. Everyone's different but she's pretty good at explaining about the brain.
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 25, 2014 17:43:19 GMT
Not feeling great today. But it did contrast my increasingly 'ok' state recently. I still find it hard to rationalise my worst case scenario thoughts, the dreaded thoughts are still there. Its like a whole different part of me. And rather than being an enemy with it, or making it my boss, I try to befriend it. It's really helped me. Sounds weird though! When bad thoughts of feelings start niggling (or shouting!) I just say "oh hi, need attention do you! Ok, I'm being kind to you, I'm acknowledging your worries!" Sometimes it works but it always helps to lighten my mood a bit at least. Bedtime for the littlies now x
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Post by kmum on Apr 26, 2014 6:20:55 GMT
Positive reinforcement that's what my therapist meant! So instead of avoiding those thoughts and things that make us anxious, is to accept them but instead of dwelling on them...to make conscious decision to think or do something else! Like thinking about or playing with our little ones. By not avoiding but making this decision...it gives you control back and creates a more positive experience instead!
Damn!! Still not explained that well!!!!
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 26, 2014 16:23:17 GMT
Its hard isnt it?! You did a good job and I know what you mean. I find it nearly impossible to explain some emotions/ thoughts/feelings etc. And yet they're in ny head. How can this be?! Lol X
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Post by monica on Apr 27, 2014 16:00:05 GMT
How r u? Pni is sooo complicated . Often it's hard to know why u have thoughts or why they appear . Ur doing great though x
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 27, 2014 18:14:33 GMT
Monica, thank you so, so much x I hadn't realised how much I needed to hear that I was doing ok. How are you?
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Post by monica on Apr 27, 2014 18:37:42 GMT
Bit tired as have been working this weekend but just chilling.
I would say I've been recovered from pni about 7 yrs now and whilst ur going through its hell in earth and u think you'll never be rid of it but you do recover and the trauma of it fades so much so I find I've forgotten a lot about my pni. It's only when I read something you wonderful ladies write, that I remember how it was.
It was same with ur post - things just seem to pop into your head (often negative thoughts) without rhyme or reason or u can be fine one minute and low the next. It's bloody tough but it is normal to feel this way and z sign of recovering. Hold on sweetie you'll get therex
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Post by kmum on Apr 28, 2014 22:17:15 GMT
Hey QRose. Hope you are well today. Just wondered if you are still feeling as disconnected as you were??
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 29, 2014 13:41:52 GMT
Hello lovelies, I wrote a long reply on my phone and my friend called and I lost it! Anyway, the short version is I'm ok. I still feel really quiet but my friends keep calling, so it helps me not get too withdrawn. Bedtime with the littlies is really challenging at the moment. It seems to take me hours sometimes and I need more time to myself than just eating my dinner and going to bed. It doesn't help my emotional state at all.
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