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Post by quantumrose on Sept 15, 2016 9:02:55 GMT
I've got a cold which might be affecting my mood. Anxiety pretty bad but yesterday was worse. Two panic attacks that left me floored and then I was so distracted I went to pick my daughter up from school an hour early! So ended up wandering around with the two other children and spending too much money. But after school went to the park with a friend that I haven't seen in ages. She's great and it's so good to be back in contact. I forced myself to go because really I wanted to curl up and cry at home.
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Post by quantumrose on Sept 16, 2016 9:12:50 GMT
My thoughts are becoming more and more morbid. I can't shake this feeling of something bad happening. Also, the feeling of needing support, I'm exhausted from putting a brave face on to the family and friends. I'm sorry that you get the worst of me here!
I'm doing my best x
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Post by monica on Sept 16, 2016 10:30:23 GMT
I'm sure that impending sense of doom s connected to your low mood. Don't apologise - were here to help you! Any chance f a rest ? X
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Post by quantumrose on Sept 16, 2016 10:59:34 GMT
Hubby just took the children out for an hour or so. But I can never tell if he's actually moody about it or if I'm reading too much into it! Anyway, I'm left feeling like I'm an annoyance and that he doesn't respect me sometimes. He can be so condecending, sometimes I want to shout "I've got a mental illness, I'm still a grown woman who deserves respect for what I do and say"! Maybe he talks to everyone like that....
I'll get some rest in while I can xx
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Post by monica on Sept 16, 2016 16:40:31 GMT
Maybe you should shout that from time to time! You deserve a breather from kids as much if not more than most! My ex used to get funny if I'd get him to take kids on his own. I think that's a man thing!
I hope you got some rest and enjoyed it! I also love my kids but relish the free time here and there - there's nothing wrong with that nor does it make you a burden for asking for that! X
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Post by quantumrose on Sept 21, 2016 17:26:34 GMT
Just checking in. Craving a safe feeling, I get it every now and then which is reassuring.
Very tired, back to school and nursery and the trips to and from are pretty exhausting. My whole life is the school run atm! My back and pelvis have flared up after having done so much walking. Having to take strong painkillers which I hate but I know now that I need to rest and it'll get better.
I've been going through an anxious few weeks. Just waiting for the tides to turn and the depression to return.
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Post by quantumrose on Sept 22, 2016 8:35:46 GMT
I've got my Wellbeing assesment tomorrow and I wanted to get things straight (ha!) in my head before i have it. So I thought I'd go through how I'm feeling here, so I'm honest in the appointment. When I'm put on the spot I ALWAYS play things down. Here it goes....
Anxious every day about:
-my health
-kids health
-kids safety (roads etc)
-my ability as a mum
-whether people really love me
-if I'll get ill because I don't love myself and i don't care for myself
-catastrophising (everything is the worst case scenario)
Depressed everyday (to a lesser extent) about:
-Not doing stuff that I love
-being in pain
-time passing (yes really)
-Being lonely but not wanting to see people
-Will I always be this way?
-Self numbing
-when I'm in pain, I hate myself
Physical stuff (some of it always, some of it sometimes):
-dizzy
-stomach ache
-pain in my chest (had it checked by doc, it's anxiety)
-cold sweats
-shaking
-stammering
-inability to relax, despite exhaustion
-heart racing and feeling panicked
-Panic attacks
-derealisation
THAT was not a nice job. But in a way, writing it down takes a bit of the fear out of it.
Wish me luck tomorrow, you help me to do this stuff. Just by being here. Especially and mostly you Monica xxxxxxxxxx
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Post by Kirsty on Sept 22, 2016 13:32:20 GMT
Good luck QR xx
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Post by quantumrose on Sept 22, 2016 19:06:12 GMT
Thank you Kirsty x
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Post by monica on Sept 23, 2016 7:09:48 GMT
Good luck QR! I've always admired your openess and honesty in all that you do and it is so hard at times to face your fears . Let us know how you get on. Thanks for the thanks - just glad I can help x
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Post by quantumrose on Sept 24, 2016 17:47:10 GMT
Friday's appointment went well. I felt like the woman who I spoke to understood me and had a good grasp of what's going on. She's referred me for EMDR trauma therapy and is calling me in a week to see how I am. It's hopefully the support I need but I'm fearful of being too excited about it!
I've had a nice day, took sprogs swimming and baby went for first time, and she loved it! I did 15 lengths and had a sauna, I think it's the happiest I've been in ages,I love being in water.
Feel quite anxious now but you can't have everything.
Want to curl up and sleep. I'm doing a table top sale tomorrow, I'm worried a out having to be normal all day! I'm going on my own because otherwise the kids will protest at my selling their stuff 😉
Hope you having a good weekend xxxx
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Post by quantumrose on Sept 25, 2016 18:55:43 GMT
Had really racing thoughts today. Can't switch off and I haven't stopped all day. Barely eaten and I have just sat down for almost the first time today. I had an image in my head of a rushing river, that's what my thoughts are like. It's weird and I don't like it.
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Post by monica on Sept 25, 2016 19:19:32 GMT
Have you has there type of thoughts before ? Is it an anxiety type of thing? The fact you've hardly eaten might suggest there's some physical cause? Virus? Migraine?
Glad the meeting on Fri was positive - I'm really hoping you can access therapy that works so you can feel better. It's so liberating to talk to someone who understands. Funnily enough I was talking to a disabled friend the other day who is struggling and she too met up with a hcp who took her seriously . It really makes all the difference. I hope you get a good nights sleep and feel better tomorrow x
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Post by quantumrose on Sept 26, 2016 17:01:41 GMT
Had my doc appointment for my boob. She said she thinks it's a cyst and isn't worried but the guidelines state to refer anyone over 30 with a lump :-( so, I'm a mess. An absolute state. My rational brain is telling me that the doctor was reassuring but my emotional side is just on overdrive. New guidelines state I have to be seen within 2 weeks but I don't know how I'm going to survive it. My anxiety was already completely out of control. She didn't say anything about my mental health even though the last time I went to the doctors I was referred for PND. So tired. So confused. Feel ungrateful for not being happy with my life as it is. I need help with this because I just don't know how to cope with this.
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Post by monica on Sept 26, 2016 17:26:48 GMT
As someone who suffers from health anxiety I understand you completely! I think you know that chances are it's nothing sinister at all - dr isn't worried, lump goes up and down , you're BF which can make lumps and bumps appear more so etc.
You know all this and are able to rationalise it on the one hand (that's really good!) on the other it's hard to control the irrational thoughts especially when you're low anyway.
Maybe call the dr or the breast clinic and say that the anxiety is horrendous - is there any chance you could be seen sooner. Explain your worries to them. Even if they can't alleviate bring forward your appt perhaps they can reassure you? X
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