Jude's diary

[frogface]

I was speaking about this today to my counsellor, how going to the doctor for help for anxiety causes even more anxiety. Ultimately once the meds kick in it gets easier to go. You dont have to wait until you're desperate, sometimes I think people wait until they just can't take it any more. Youre not bad or responsible for this and it's OK to bite the bullet and ask for help. I know it's enormous but please consider it as this is not just you and you don't have to feel this way.

Regarding housework, do what you absolutely have to and don't even worry about the rest. You have the rest of your life to clean the house, you don't have to do it when you feel like crap.

[monica]

Hey QR

I honestly think you're one of the most positive people I know. In spite of feeling so rubbish you manage to rationalise things and show you have hope. You're human though and feeling crap takes it toll - when you're exhausted and in pain, harassed and can't do what you'd like to do it all gets too much. It always seems apparent to me that you so desperately need to rest but can't. I wish there could be a service that would let you have 2 hrs daily to just sleep as that what your body needs.

Don't turn these things on yourself. I know this is hard - but you're not any of the things you've said - youre not a failure, lazy , rubbish friend etc. You're simply amazing, just struggling. You know you'd never say these things to anyone else in a similar position yet are so hard on yourself.

I know things will get better as the children grow and become physically less reliant on you. Have hope my lovely. How did the art therapy go?x

[quantumrose]

Thank you Monica, what you say means so much, it really does. And you are amazing too :-)
Art therapy was so, so good. Lovely people and an opportunity to create. My work today was all about what I need to do to get better. It was a collage (haven't done it since I was a kid!) and I had things representing rest, care, love, nesting and the other side was things I want to get back to doing-long walks, running, being pain free and breaking the cycle of pain, shame, guilt.
It surprised me how cathartic it was. I feel more positive after that.
Big love xxxxx

[monica]

Hooray! it's great you've found somehting that gives you that relaxation and positivity you need. Onward and upwards QRx

[quantumrose]

I'm looking forward to art group tomorrow! Also aware that there' only three more sessions, so not to rely on it too much.
I'm just not able to feel happy of safe at the moment. In the absence of these things I feel lost and scared-just the usual really :-( But I've reeled back on what I'm doing a bit for a while and it feels such a relief. I feel lucky to be able to do that.

Trying to be aware of my feelings and thoughts again. I let it slip a bit when I was so much better before babe was born. I need to get into the habit of questioning those negative thoughts again but I'd forgotten how tiring that is. Worth is though, even for some relief.

How are you Monica? xxxx

[monica]

Hi

You do sound for positive QR. You've got the tools to help yourself but it is incredibly hard 'trying' all The time, but if you can't don't beat yourself up about it. I feel like that sometimes.

Enjoy the art therapy. Glad it's so good for you . Can you ask the provider about accessing more of it or something similar?

All ok with me - still got cold and sleeping badly ...grrrrx

[quantumrose]

Oh no, sucks about sleep Monica. Is anything going on that's keeping you up at night thinking about it? Or just general bad sleeping? I really sympathise xx Hopefully Christmas will bring some rest and more sleep for you xx

Art therapy group was great today. I had to leave a bit early because babe was really upset (she doesnt like me leaving her atm) but I got some time to myself.
Hubby was away on work but luckily the kids are being really good. I think they sense that I'm tired and that messing around is not an option. Not that thats stopped them before! So tired....must get more sleep and rest xx

[monica]

It's amazing you get lots out of the art therapy . In fact I might be interviewed by a local radio station tomoz and if they ask how the extra govt cash could be spent I will say also on therapies like this as it's clear it has such beneficial properties (hope that's ok - I won't mention names!)

My insomnia I think stems from being perimenopausal! Getting old!

[quantumrose]

Monica, have you tried seeing a herbalist? I think everyones bodies are different and what works for one doesn't for another but I've had such success with tinctures. You could even go into Neals Yard and explain how you're feeling and they could make you up a tincture for under a tenner. How did you're radio interview go? I'd love to listen to it xx.

I'm feeling really overwhelmed this evening. I've had a few days where I've felt really on top of things and although I hope one day that it'll just stay like that I tend to burn out after a few days of over doing everything and feel like this...

I feel like everyone wants a piece of me and I've got so much to do and remember. I had a massive argument with hubby over housework (always housework) and I think it's sunk in for now that I need a bit of help.

It's art therapy day tomorrow, looking forward to it.

Feel like I'm being pulled in lots of directions with people needing and wanting things from me. No time to myself and baby is sleeping very badly. She's a right pickle in the day too! But such a joy, such a smiley baby, even if she does wake at 4am and not go back to sleep after waking at least three times in the night also. Exhaustion doesn't cover it.

Feeling a bit down too. Not so anxious, which is good, but pretty low.

B's grandad died on tuesday. Really sad and a bit unexpected. It's brought back memories of when his maternal grandad died, when my son was around the same age as Daisy. It set me off into such a bad spiral but then the circumstances of his death were so terrible as he committed suicide. B seems ok but then he grieves in a very quiet way.

Love and hugs, I'm going to try and carve out some resting time. God knows when xx

[quantumrose]

I'm realizing more and more that a lot of my anxieties are caused by not feeling supported. And what coming up at the moment is that I don't feel like my husband and I are a team. I make so many excuses for him in my head- he's tired, he's had a long week, he's done his back in... But I do this all the time. And I very loud voice ring inside says "it's not all about you, he needs support and rest too" and that's true. But I felt I'm putting more and more of my happiness and needs aside on a day to day basis just so that I don't feel guilty for him having to do anything. I'm actually not very happy with things as they are and it really scares me to admit this. I don't feel like we ha e an equal share of the work at the moment or maybe even ever.
Ugh. I don't know how to work all this out. I feel like I'm putting in all the emotional and physical hard work and he's just sitting back waiting for things to be sorted for him. I can't bear his grumpiness and shouting.
Feeling really miserable about this.

[monica]

Hi

Sorry have meant to reply to you for a few days now....I have no doubt a common theme for you and many others is not feeling supported , being exhausted and having an never ending to do list of chores in front of you whilst everyone wants a piece of you. You're working beyond capacity. It's shattering! So sorry to hear about Bs granddad - that can't help.

Can you ask B to help you more? Even better give him specific tasks to do. He's a man and can't think logically that you might need help!!x

[quantumrose]

Don't apologise Monica, I totally understand and don't expect anything from you, just glad you're here when you are xxx

I feel like it's better to just keep my mouth shut and get on with it tbh. It only ever causes arguments when I ask for help.

I genuinely think he feels he does enough or even alot. It's hard to describe to him what I do without it becoming a competition but putting the tumble drying on again because it wasnt quite dry and making the kids tea does not make for equal partnership. Am I expecting too much/ Honestly, I really want to know....

Today I've done two loads of washing, put all the washing away, put dishwasher on 3 times, cleared table twice, swept, changed babies nappies all day, got her dressed, fed her, carried her in the sling while we were out, put her to bed and countless things that don't register. Today has been a seriously light chore day too. I'm starting to feel really resentful of how one way this feels, at weekends at least.

And then I ask him to do something, he doesnt do it and I ask him again and all hell breaks loose. Its the same EVERYTIME. It makes me want to curl up, shut the hell up and get on with it alone. So much easier than all this guilt tripping negativity when I ask for help.

Feel like running for the hills....

[monica]

If it's any consolation many women feel the same - I did too with my ex. I think men think really differently and because they generally work full time they think it's easy being at home - cos all you do is wStch day time telly ?? They rarely have kids alone so don't realise how tough it actually is. I used to resent my ex as we both worked shifts so he did a fair amount of childcare so did have insight plus I'd prepare meals when I was at work - but that's another story .

Maybe try using a different tactic. Ask him what he's like eh time off then use that as a bargaining tool? It's master psychology with these blokes....

But don't ever think you're being unreasonable by asking for more help and support . I think u do an amazing job. If I lived near to you I'd pop over and run the Hoover around the house ! X

[quantumrose]

Ah Monica, I wish we lived near the too ☺
I was being so grumpy myself yesterday, had a bad pain day as I've been almost back to normal activities and I'd spent all day Friday putting school Christmas fare together only for my daughter to be sent home poorly five minutes before school ended so my son was so sad not to go. Santa's grotto looked pretty cool by the time I'd finished with it!
Hubby's got a cold too so I've got more sympathy today!
Hope you're enjoying your weekend hun, big love x

[quantumrose]

Everything just feels so messy today. I mI horrible to live with, I've been up since 4 and I just don't even know what I'm doing. I honestly don't like myself at all. I'll try and be positive I'll try and be better.