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Post by monica on Apr 17, 2017 21:20:29 GMT
How has Easter been? How are you? X
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 18, 2017 8:56:27 GMT
Hey all, hope your Easters were good :-) I'm just coping. Recovery is a rollercoaster, ups and downs. Trying to accept the lows and enjoy the highs but it's hard. Worry and depression and anxiety is always round the corner.
House hunting is proving bloody stressful. There's a triangle that I'm having to contend with and it's driving me a bit mad. The estate agent speaks to the landlord who waits days before getting back to them. Meanwhile I'm falling apart with stress about losing the house) then I tell hubby who mentions something else that isn't to his liking and I'm back on the phone to the estate agents. It's been like this for nearly a week and my nerves are frayed and I'm totally peed off with all of them.
I'm ok. I honestly am ok. But I am tired and in need of some me time.
Xxx
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 19, 2017 7:04:50 GMT
The thing that kick started recovery last time was acceptance. I'm so tired mentally. I can't keep battling like this and to think of accepting where I am and doing things to improve my mood rather than pretending everything ok, makes me feel a whole lot more relaxed. For today I'm going to breathe, accept and do what I need to do xxx
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 19, 2017 9:52:26 GMT
Right. I'm just going to get it down on and off my chest. My latest freak out is period cramps. I've had them for five days now, really mild and on and off but because of anxiety I'm noticing and focusing on it. I've had one period about a month ago since having the babe. I'm totally freaking out! What if the cramps are something bad? Why am I freaking out like this?!?! It's like ny cycles are struggling to return- baby is feeding a lot....maybe that's what's causing my period to take so long to kick start? Anyone had any experience of periods whilst breastfeeding? I think this happened last time too. I just need some reassurance really badly as I think the anxiety is not helping my cycle returning to normal. Agh. My brain :-(
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 19, 2017 10:14:32 GMT
Oh ladies :-( my anxiety is through the roof about this, is anyone there to talk please? I can see it's a bit irrational but can't calm myself down.
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Post by brach24 on Apr 19, 2017 12:12:38 GMT
Hey lovely - sorry just seen this. Periods are always up the left while breastfeeding. They come and go and are too long and then too short. I don't think you get any sort of pattern until you've fully stopped feeding. Are you anxious about the length of time or the pain. The first few periods hurt like anything for me - I guess the womb lining is still adjusting. Not sure if that's any help... breathe and try and remind yourself the anxiety of this will pass too xx
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Post by monica on Apr 19, 2017 14:34:11 GMT
Sorry just finished work!
I'm sure your periods are affected by BF - hence no real pattern. You're tired , stressed and that will affect your anxiety levels - no doubt pmt if you're die on will have an impact too.
As Brach said, deep breaths my lovely ! You're doing an amazing job but it's time to think about you - and get some rest in if that's possible !x
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 19, 2017 16:00:00 GMT
Thank you Brach and Monica x I went out with the kids, I'm looking after a friends lo today so the house is crammed. I just get so badly triggered by any physical discomfort. It's so awful :-( I've been having such mild niggles of period pain but no bleeding yet....but in my head it's the end for me! Rather than being rational and thinking it's just my period starting....I guess it's because I've been having them on and off for a week now. I vividly remember googling like crazy about this exact same thing after my middle child was born. I suppose it's my body trying to get into some kind of cycle. I'm so stressed about the house situation, the letting agents are so rubbish :-( I'm going to end up having to pack up the entire house in 4 weeks and I need to apply for kids beware school but can't until we sign the contract. And none of this can happen until the landlord is back from holiday. Its so stressful waiting...
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Post by monica on Apr 19, 2017 17:16:36 GMT
So much stress with house move, kids' school. Anyone would be overwhelmed. Can't B help a little more with that? X
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 21, 2017 9:16:55 GMT
So tired..... Traveled 6 hours yesterday to see my sisters new baby (so cute!) and went to bed at midnight because we didn't get back till 8. I'm tired and irritable and so are the kids. I've got so much housework to do it's unreal.
Today I feel totally fed up with the house situation. It's been 2 weeks since we said we wanted the house and the landlord has been on holiday so nothing is happening still. Were waiting to hear if we are acceptable. I hate it. This feels so unfair. I just want to throw it all in and be done with it. B has taken over chasing them so that's a relief.
I also feel sad today. For leaving our home, my friends, the school, my community....but I'm also not happy living where we are. The road has got so busy with cars and building works and the area is getting more and more deprived. Which I feel I should stay and continue to help make it better but I'm so tired of "making the best of it" or " striving to improve". It's exhausting and I want a new life for me and ny family. One where I feel safe and not imposed upon by the city and all its busyness and polution.
Yesterday was a really good day. I felt strong, capable, happy. Today is not like that but onward and upwards. Tomorrow is another day and I have my babies to enjoy being with xxx
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Post by monica on Apr 21, 2017 17:35:05 GMT
Hi there QR
It's no wonder today's nor been the best of days. You sound shattered. I hope you catch up on rest over the weekend and hopefully you'll feel better in yourself too.
Glad Bs taken over house negotiations. It's frustrating when all you want to do is sort it all out but can't. What's the new area like? It's sad when you see somewhere going downhill but you must think of what's best for you and the family.
Congrats on being an Aunty! Fantastic news!
So rest rest and more rest for you over the weekend! X
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Post by quantumrose on Apr 22, 2017 16:09:23 GMT
I've done a pretty good job of resting today :-) I feel so low though...it's a complete see-saw between anxiety and depression at the moment, I think I'm probably self numbing, I'm certainly drinking more than usual too. I don't drink much normally so the glass of wine every other day is a lot for me and I'm doing it specifically because I need a break from my head.
I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to get some medication - even though I don't want to for reasons I've explained before. I constantly think that I shouldnt talk about how bad I'm feeling because I'm not doing 'everything' I can to be well. But I've beat this before without anti-d's, Id really like to do it again. I worry so much about any medication I take and I think it would make things worse for me on that front.
But I am feeling rubbish. Really, really crap. It's not that I don't have those times of total love with my family, I do. But there's always this shadow following me around. I should very happy! Look at my life! Look at how lucky I am!
Anxiety is so unbearable. It is consuming me as much as I try to get rid of it, or accept it, or fight it. It doesn't matter, it's with me, all the time. I am anxious 90% of the time. My thoughts are cyclical and obsessive, I go back to the same loops again and again.
I feel down, really down.
I've still got stomach cramps on and off. They don't bother me when I'm distracted but Ive become obsessed with monitoring my body again. So they seem huge. Made worse by the fact that I can't bare the thought of going to the dr, or if it's even necessary. I think my periods are just trying to establish a pattern and because baby keeps feeding loads and then not so much it's all in total disarray. I'm just so bloody tired of being like this and a very large part of me is so angry with myself.
Such a long post, sorry. I just realised I haven't been honest about how I feel for a while really, always playing it down or not talking. So that's how I really am. Pretty rubbish really. I'm sorry, I really am. You must all be fed up with me by now!
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Post by monica on Apr 22, 2017 18:14:01 GMT
Were never fed up of you QR! This is your place - for most of us it's the only place we can be completely honest about how we feel and that can be a huge relief in itself .
You really are super woman - you do so much! I honestly couldn't manage half of what you do. But you put so much pressure on yourself to do more, to feel a certain way. You are only human after all.
With the meds debate, perhaps talk it over with the counsellor? She might help you make that decision. If you feel this low/ anxious period is going on for so long and there's not much chance of improvement in the short term I would consider meds. But that's me. It is a commitment for at least a year approx but might just give you that lift you need. You're not s failure for taking them - you're being honest with yourself and doing what you need to do to feel better. I resisted meds for several months and they were the turning point for me.
Big hugs QR- hoping tomorrow is a better day x
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Post by Kirsty on Apr 23, 2017 21:26:52 GMT
How are you today QR? X
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Post by quantumrose on May 1, 2017 7:59:28 GMT
We're moving house in a few weeks and I just don't know how I'll find the mental energy to do it. I'm in bed at the moment, trying to rest but instead I'm lying here obsessing about how my upset stomach might be life threatening. This is just heading towards hell again, I've been teetering on the edge for a while but I've lost all hope now. I keep trying to get a drs appointment but you know how hard I find it anyway and on top of that I can never get through on the day and when I finally do there aren't any appointments left. The next bookable appointment is in June. So here I am, in a complete mess. Ive tried so bloody hard to do all the right things, to not get here. I am angry with myself and the fact that there are no services to help. I feel sick around the kids, especially the wee one. I can't keep up with demands and I feel like an utter failure. I honestly hate myself. My beautiful, kind, warm, soft children and I can't deal with being their mummy. I've slipped so far into this black hole I doubt there's any going back now. I wish I could say 'onwards and upwards'. All I feel is stagnant and spiralling down. There is no help. I'm on my own with this and I don't know whether it's best for me or anyone else that I do keep on trying.
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