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Post by juppster on Feb 11, 2014 10:06:36 GMT
Rumination is very common with this illness, it's so easy to focus on the negative thoughts all the time and then they just play out over and over again, thus increasing your panic and low mood...cbt is great for this, it teaches you distraction techniques as well as ways to challenge your thoughts. Where possible, try to focus on the Now and not the future...nobody can predict the future and the thing to keep telling yourself is there is no evidence that it will turn out in the negative way you are imagining.
I used to feel very much like you when my son was a baby...again, try not to worry too much about that. It's a huge life change having a baby and you would be surprised at the amount go people that feel the way you do..it's very overwhelming but it does get better. My son is now 7 and we couldn't have a better relationship, but it took a long long time for that to happen....please be kind to yourself and remember a lot of what you're feeling is quite normal for a new mum x
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 11, 2014 12:19:34 GMT
Thank you Juppster for your advice and support. I want to be able to love and cherish my little boy but it just seems a long way at the moment. Hopefully I will get there but it is a slow and currently rocky road. I am having a challenging morning with the anxiety at a horrible level. It is so difficult being back at work and battling with the PNI as well. I get terrible anxiety attacks when I am here. I just taught a class who had no knowledge of the intrusive negative thoughts about myself that I was thinking. My colleague who is supporting me just thought I had done a fantastic lesson. Instead I now feel completely like I am drowning in my own head. My overwhelming desire is to go home but I know I will feel even worse if I do that. It is that suffocating feeling of failure. I wish that I could stop the rumination in its tracks using some of the CBT methods that I have been taught. Instead my brain goes off like a steam train and the brakes are very difficult to put on. I need to focus on the now and not the past/future but it is so difficult to retrain your brain when it is stuck in unhealthy ways. I am struggling hard with this blip and feel like I am slipping backwards. I had done so well since I came out of hospital in June. I don't want all the hard work to run away :-(
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Post by juppster on Feb 11, 2014 21:21:49 GMT
Blips are horrible and are made to feel worse when you've had a good spell...but remember this is all it is, a blip and it will get better again. You've done amazingly well to be at work and to get through teaching a lesson, be proud of yourself even though you felt terrible on the inside...the fact that your colleague thought it was a great lesson is proof that it was. My job involves teaching young people and sometimes I truly wonder how I got through those early days back at work after having my baby, but I did it, just like you are doing it, and with time and perseverance it did get much much better...small steps xx
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Post by Weeble on Feb 12, 2014 11:54:40 GMT
I am the same jo. Looking back I have absolutely no idea how I managed to be a mother wife daughter and friend whilst holding down a job and having pni. However as you say the blips become less deep and greater gaps exist between them. How has this morning been berry?
Kat
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 12, 2014 19:48:29 GMT
Hi Butterfly, thank you for your feedback. I have just had my meeting with my new MH care-coordinator. She was very nice but didn't really seem to have any real knowledge about pni. Her advice was to try breathing exercises. If only it was that simple! I have a new HV who knows about the pni and is very supportive.
Today has been up and down emotionally. I got through it though and hubby is off today and tomorrow who is being an absolute star. He even bought some flowers for little F to give his mummy. Hopefully a nice early night tonight and no panics in the morning fingers crossed.
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 13, 2014 11:38:16 GMT
It seems at the moment that midmorning is my worst time. I think it is because I am at work and everything is very intense. I find it very challenging being with my negative thoughts when trying to teach a loud class of students. My mind is just not on the job. I wish I could say that coming back to work it has got easier and easier. I have been back for 6 weeks now and the last two weeks have been harder and harder. It is as if my frazzled brain cannot cope with the sensory overload. Don't get me wrong before I was ill I used to love my job and really thrived on the fast pace but now it is just proving to be too much. I am just worried that my MH has declined over the last two weeks and work is contributing to this. Luckily we have got half term next week but I am currently so anxious that spending lots of time with F is sending me into a spin as well. Kind of between a rock and a hard place mood wise.
Hubby stayed last night which was very comforting. I told him this morning how important his support has been recently. He is worried that I need him rather than want him in my life. I think the two are intrinsically linked but maybe I am wrong.
I just had a good chat with a colleague who told me that she had PNI after he son was born 13 years ago. It is amazing how many people come out of the woodwork with this crippling disease. If only there was more support for mothers with this from the local community and the healthcare professionals. It is still a bit of a Cinderella state with of course more going to support physical ailments.
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Post by Weeble on Feb 13, 2014 22:13:53 GMT
I can imagine looking after and teaching kids whilst battling pni tough and don't be hard on yourself you are doing great
Pni is an awful illness and very common. How are you doing today?
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 16, 2014 15:34:34 GMT
So I am surviving half term so far. I went to a birthday party yesterday with F which I was proud of as I don't really feel like being sociable at the moment. I invariably end up wishing that I was as relaxed and loving with F as my friends are with theirs. He is such a good cheerful little boy and yet I struggle being with him. I have been spending time playing with him this afternoon but it just comes so unnaturally. We are staying at my parents for a few days which is a relief as I feel safe and cared for here. My mum is besotted with F and a great listener. I know I should be back at the cottage on my own but I just get scared all on my own with F.
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Post by Weeble on Feb 16, 2014 18:14:23 GMT
I remember feeling like this I found it devastating too. The good news is you will get better. To your son you are the most perfect mum I am sure!!! Lean on your mum and don't feel bad. It's the most natural thing for a mother to care for her daughter and child. It's why we have grandma's.
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Post by juppster on Feb 17, 2014 8:31:10 GMT
Yep, can totally relate to feeling that way too...try not to beat yourself up about it, it will come with time xx
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Post by monica on Feb 20, 2014 10:55:44 GMT
Hi
Could you talk with your employer about making changes to your job albeit temporarily just to giv eyou that breathing space you may need at the moment. It's still early into the recovery process and your needs are different now. Maybe could you have more breaks in between lessons so that you can recharge your batteries or have additional support in class? Do you feel you could talk to someone about that.
It sounds as if you are doing really well - you are getting out with your little one, going to parties etc when you don't feel like it. Maybe try not to dwell on how you should be feeling when interacting with your little one - it sounds as if you re putting pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. As Jo said, things will feel more natural over timex
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 20, 2014 11:56:33 GMT
Thank you Monica for the advice. Yes I will need to talk to work about how I can cope with it all. They have been fantastic but I just have to decide if it is too much too soon. It has been nice having some space over half term. We have been out to see friends and little F has had his big jabs. He was such a good little sausage and only cried briefly (bribed after by the nurse with chocolate buttons!). Today is a harder day because hubby is poorly. He has rheumatoid arthritis and even though he is in remission at this time of year he comes down very quickly with flu, tummy bugs etc. We talked this morning about how I struggle with his illness because I feel so vulnerable and he is out of action at these times. I feel very selfish that I need him so much and get angry at his being ill. Ultimately he can't help it. I just need to try to be strong when he is poorly but my head sometimes struggles with this. And I need to overcome this psychological barrier that he is not physically and mentally around when unwell. He is still here and still helps.
I have been trying to jog every day for the last week to get some proper physical exercise. It has been good and am sure is lifting mood. Unfortunately the weather is foul today so we are stuck inside and that gives me more time to fester. I just wish I wasn't such a ruminator and catastrophiser and could focus on the positive things that I achieve rather than beating myself up.
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Post by juppster on Feb 20, 2014 16:48:25 GMT
Easier said than done hey?! I've learnt to do this over time but it's taken me a long time to learn! Well done on the jogging, exercise can really help, especially when you combine it with fresh air....hope the weather improves soon so you can get back out x
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Post by monica on Feb 21, 2014 20:14:24 GMT
Hi
Don't be hard in yourself. Having to cope with s lived ones illness is hard when you are low and it must be frightening and frustrating for you. It's ok to feel this way. My godmother suffers from rheumatoid arthritis - it must be very debilitating. Poor hubby.
Well done on the jogging - exercise made a huge difference to pni and still does tbh.
Good luck in the work front. I'm sure there's a solution out there. You are wise to objectively look at ur situation and see what u needx
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Post by monica on Feb 21, 2014 20:14:37 GMT
Hi
Don't be hard in yourself. Having to cope with s lived ones illness is hard when you are low and it must be frightening and frustrating for you. It's ok to feel this way. My godmother suffers from rheumatoid arthritis - it must be very debilitating. Poor hubby.
Well done on the jogging - exercise made a huge difference to pni and still does tbh.
Good luck in the work front. I'm sure there's a solution out there. You are wise to objectively look at ur situation and see what u needx
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