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Post by brach24 on Feb 18, 2017 17:27:02 GMT
Still feeling low on energy and chest not good. Wondering if the low energy is actually low mood. I can never tell. I'm not having terrible dark thoughts like in the midst of pnd and I'm not very anxious. Just no energy or enthusiasm and struggling with being sociable. I also just wanted the kids away today. Having been away for days with them when granny offered to take them I basically said "I for as long as you want". I think my eldest heard. She's sensitive to things like that. She needs so much reassurance. I have to work really hard at telling myself that it's just because I'm not well/ need a break and not because I don't love my kids. That accusing voice does jump in saying "you're a bad mum". I am desperately needing some time to myself. Work phoned while I was away. I'm not wanting to go back in on Tuesday and I can't Work out if it's sensible me because I'm still ill or just the not wanting to!!
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Post by monica on Feb 18, 2017 22:20:39 GMT
Hey you're an amazing mum. You're not well atm and that can drag you down physically and emotionally. There is nothing wrong with craving a break and just wanting time for yourself - no one can sustain doing anything 24/7 especially if you're run down . I'm not with my children's dad and actually could have had the kids yesterday evening but I just wanted a breather to do absolutely nothing. This evening I've had an hr on the sofa whilst they did their own thing . How did your time away go?
Hope you pick up soonx
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Post by monica on Feb 18, 2017 22:23:04 GMT
I was going to suggest talking to your DD if you think she heard your comment. 'I'm tired and just wanted a lie down. I feel happier knowing that granny is looking after you' or something similar might go a long way'. My lo is quite sensitive too so often explanations are needed! X
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Post by brach24 on Feb 19, 2017 17:49:45 GMT
Thanks. Yes time away was good. I didn't have energy but managed to do enough. We are out lots as I didn't have energy to plan ahead or russle stuff up so we're a bit in debt and another trip (my bros 40th) coming up to save for. I'm still quite weak. Currently in my bed - husband has left baby napping so she's never going to go down tonight but I just haven't had the energy to go wake her up myself. The eldest knows I get weak - she's had to deal with the worst of my health since she was wee. She knows she's loved but needs the reassurance that she's important with so much energy spent on wee ones. I'll talk to her thanks for the prompt Monica. I don't want to go back to work on tues but will see what doc says tomorrow. I feel bad for my clients - but my energy is so low. I think I'm a bit afraid of going back too - it's been 3 weeks and I'm quite anxious about the first shift back when it does happen. Well it's almost 6pm, baby is still napping!! I have still not been to shop for anything for tea, another takeaway to add to the credit card?!!
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Post by brach24 on Feb 19, 2017 17:49:45 GMT
Thanks. Yes time away was good. I didn't have energy but managed to do enough. We are out lots as I didn't have energy to plan ahead or russle stuff up so we're a bit in debt and another trip (my bros 40th) coming up to save for. I'm still quite weak. Currently in my bed - husband has left baby napping so she's never going to go down tonight but I just haven't had the energy to go wake her up myself. The eldest knows I get weak - she's had to deal with the worst of my health since she was wee. She knows she's loved but needs the reassurance that she's important with so much energy spent on wee ones. I'll talk to her thanks for the prompt Monica. I don't want to go back to work on tues but will see what doc says tomorrow. I feel bad for my clients - but my energy is so low. I think I'm a bit afraid of going back too - it's been 3 weeks and I'm quite anxious about the first shift back when it does happen. Well it's almost 6pm, baby is still napping!! I have still not been to shop for anything for tea, another takeaway to add to the credit card?!!
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Post by monica on Feb 20, 2017 21:27:02 GMT
You need to put your needs first. Maybe another week off work will help you recoup your energy? Big hugsxxx
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Post by monica on Feb 22, 2017 9:21:15 GMT
How are you feeling Brach? X
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Post by brach24 on Feb 22, 2017 10:56:00 GMT
Physically still weak. Partly because the girls aren't well either and it's hard work and sleep disturbed. Have told work I won't be in till next thurs (sickline is till wed). Slightly worried I'm just avoiding it because I'm depressed. I'm so behind with house admin and school admin and friends/social stuff/ birthdays etc. Got a girl coming to take some baby stuff on Friday and I haven't the energy to clean any of it might put her off but feel bad because she's close to due!! Just reading some posts from my friend who's marriage fell apart (she found out her hubby was unfaithful regularly). She is amazing - so full of faith and hope. It's really changed my mindset for today. Xx
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Post by brach24 on Feb 23, 2017 22:32:04 GMT
Well a mixed bag today. Found an appt card for the mental health team when I was at my worst with the emergency team no scribbled on the back. It was all crushed from me carrying it about with me just incase. It brought back many feelings... and relief I guess. My song got played on radio on tues which was just lovely - still making me smile when I think of it. A close friend was on as an expert on a radio talk show today. I was so proud of her. My friends back in Ireland are In touch more now which I love. I feel known by them - which is actually quite silly as I've moved away 18 yrs ago and they've missed the diagnosis and disability and marriage and kids and pnd and so many other things that have changed me. We're having a day away in May so excited about that.
Wanting to be more creative and struggling to pick a method. Wondering about writing some short stories from my life as a kind of therapy too.
Had a info session from school about sex ed they're going to give kids. Wasn't worried as eldest knows it all - were pretty frank. But they showed some videos - admiralty cartoons about kids being touched about as discussion starters for "what would you do chat". I'm quite stunned. I've been sexually assaulted a few times - I'm only just admitting that to myself. My best friend said the stars are horrifyingly high and how we're lucky not to have... I don't know if I want to tell her. Not had the opportunity anyway - hardly see her. Wondering if I should advise the school that it could be quite triggering for parents and warning should be given.
Anyway - off to put stock in fridge as soup plans gone by the wayside - too much Facebook!
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Post by monica on Feb 24, 2017 17:01:11 GMT
Hi
There's lots of positivity in your post, Brach. Wonderful meeting with old friends - where are you going to meet? In Ireland?
I'm curious - which song did you request on radio?
I'm sorry about your assault experience - it's a terrible thing to go through and can have a lasting effect. It can be a trigger for some. Tbh I'd feel v upset if I watched something like that. What age group will be the target audience ? X
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Post by brach24 on Mar 2, 2017 1:03:32 GMT
Feeling incredibly fragile. First day back at work tomorrow. It's been 4 weeks I think. Physically I'm not 100% but think I can make it through a shift. Emotionally and mentally I am imploding. I don't want to talk to anyone and hate the idea of having to pull on my strong "got it together" side. Tried to talk to my boss today when he phoned to ask if I'm coming back. I told him I wasn't sure if I was ready and he just said "well phone me later and tell me what you're doing". I feel quite angry when I think of the staff at work and I'm not sure why. Can't avoid it forever - just hope it's better than my previous returns. It's such a deep end experience. The song on the radio was one I co-wrote with my friend as part of her project on grief. It's called held (you might be able to listen again - radio Scotland 21/2/17 - iain Anderson show - second song in) and it's about my struggle between being strong one moment and weak the next and the longing to be held though it all. There's imagery of a butterfly breaking out of a chrysalis too which comes from something that happened when my dad died. He had been ill for many years but a few mins after his last breath his friend phoned and said "your dad's dead isn't he" I was a bit taken back! He said "I was praying for him and I had a vision of a butterfly breaking out of a chrysalis and flying up towards the light and God said "it's ok he's with me now, he's gone from the darkness and he's in the light". The butterfly theme is also about my friend who was my emotional support through my teens. She taught me that when a caterpillar is in its cocoon it gets broken down into a liquid before it gets built back up again. She gave me a stainglass butterfly to remind me that "God is slowly, sometimes painfully, making you into something beautiful". I have it at my kitchen sink. I miss her so much. I have a strong memory of her arms around me while I cried and cried and just feeling completely held and cared for. She passed away suddenly only 42. So the song has a lot of emotion in it - I think Yvonne did amazing at making a song out of it! Just got a text out of the blue from her half hour ago of a butterfly and thinking of you. Feeling very fragile. Hope I can keep it together tomorrow.
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Post by quantumrose on Mar 2, 2017 19:01:18 GMT
Hello lovely, so much going on for you, how are you today? As for work stuff, it does sound like you could do with some more time off if you can. You probably feel resentful of work itself (you were saying you feel angry towards your workmates) because it means you doing something that you don't feel strong enough to do. I hope it all goes ok. I wish I could hear your song! Reading your story about your dad and the butterfly....my heart really ached for you. I too had butterflies in my life a lot when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks pregnant. It was like they followed me everywhere. Such a symbol of hope as well as change.... As for telling your friend about the awful assaults you have experienced, only do it if it feels right and you don't feel vulnerable. Protect yourself and keep yourself safe (whether by telling her or not-its a very personal thing). I'm so sorry you experienced that, it is all too common. Sounds like you've got happy busy things going on too. Thinking of you, much love xxx
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Post by monica on Mar 3, 2017 16:30:09 GMT
How did work go? It sounds as if you were dreading it or more the feelings associated with it. I hope it was positive and went well.
The song sounds beautiful clearly has so much meaning for you. So sad about your friend. The loss of someone so close is hard for many many years. If I find sometime I'll definately look it up.
It's funny I had a late miscarriage and the morning after I found out this butterfly (or was it a moth?) appeared in the mornings on the lounge curtains until I had the baby. I don't necessarily believe it was a reincarnation of the little baby, so it's something I remember with fondness.
Really hoping today's been a good day for you x
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Post by brach24 on Mar 8, 2017 23:09:54 GMT
Well first shift back was really hard. My boss apologised for how he'd handled my return. He should have discussed phased return. I had to work late. I think my anger is because I don't feel supported and I give so much of myself and no one is watching out for my needs. My shift yesterday was meant to be with a more senior worker but when I arrived he left so I was in charge again. I had a few challenging/conflict situations but coped ok. My boss has said he'd like to offer me a promotion temporarily. It'll mean less client contact which is what I love... but otherwise makes sense as I'm doing most of it already. I'm really flattered but a bit conflicted as I've always said I wouldn't move up because i didn't want the stress or the lack of contact. Maybe I'm not as principled as I thought I was haha!! Need to decide soon. I'm continuing to want to avoid social situations and people in general. Think it's part of being physically weak and having less energy. Trying not too worry about where my physical health is at. Xx
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Post by monica on Mar 9, 2017 12:21:15 GMT
Wow congrats on the promotion offer! That's brill! There's nothing wrong with taking it. Life changes you and there are new demands so it's nothing to do with principles and you must do what you feel is best but nonetheless it's wonderful that your talents and abilities have been recognised. It's positive that your boss has admitted he should have organised the back to work differently.
Do you want to talk about the health issues? Here to listen if you do. It must be hard to function if you don't feel well never mind with children to look after. X
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