Jess's Journey Part 2

[jessibella]

Hello,

I thought I'd start writing here again as it helped me so much before.

So firstly let me begin my saying I had PND after my daughter was born in August 2012. It was a bumpy ride as I had a really bad time with the anti-depressants. The first two I tried had awful side effects that for me I could not tolerate. The third was tolerable and seemed to help a bit but it was my 4th one that really seemed to help a lot. So it took a little while but by May 2013 I was doing much better and feeling able to return to work, which also seemed to help a lot!

So things returned to pretty much normal. I felt my old self again and was doing really well. So I hope this reassures anyone currently suffering with PND that you can and will get there!

Life went on and as life does I went through a few big upheavals. Me any my husband separated and I mved out. I met someone new but unfortunately we broke up. However I was managing ok! I came off my ADs after weaning down slowly and seemed to be alright.

Then in the run up to Christmas I started to notice I was getting extremely anxious. Worrying about things that were unnecessary, particularly whether friends were upset or gross with me. Then at Christmas I felt the depression symptoms again. It was only for brief periods initially but New Years arrived and I realised I was depressed again.

I spoke to the dr this week and have just started taking the Venkafaxine again. It's making me feel pretty nauseous at the moment and dizzy. This mixed with depression had made me feel pretty awful. However I know it's a waiting game now. I do feel a lot of the same worries, will I ever get better? Will I be able to work? Will the meds work? That I remember from last time. So I know it's the depression worrying. It's still hard though but I have to keep going x

[jessibella]

08/01/15 Venlafaxine 37.5 day 1

So after accepting I was depressed again I realised I should speak to my doctor and she asked a few questions and suggested I went straight back on the venlafaxine. I struggled into work for a few days after a chat with my manager who was understanding and well meaning and said I could leave early some days if I needed. I ended up panicking saying I was worried if I went off work I wouldn't go back. However she reassured me that people do return after depression and she had no doubt I would too.

So I started a very low amount of venlafaxine and upped it today to 37.5mg. However I ended up having to leave work early as I was just not coping! I felt sad, jittery, nauseous and overwhelmed. I had to go home after somehow managing to reply to a couple of e-mails and put my out of office on I drove to my parents in a very sorry state.

I am just so scared that I won't get better again. Last time was quite a journey and I'm worried about not being able to work. The negative thoughts run away from me and predict a scary bleak future. I know this is part of the depression but it's awful. I need to believe I will recover.

[sarajay28]

Hi jess

Welcome back, I've been here for many years (initially as a fellow sufferer then as a moderator and now as a trustee of the charity) and although I wish you weren't going through this tough time it's great that you've felt able to come back.
The main thing that stood out for me reading your post is your optimism! I know you obviously don't feel very optimistic right now but the fact that you have taken action, started the process of getting well again shows how determined you are not to let the depression win!
You've done absolutely the right things, seeing your gp, taking meds and coming here to talk, I have no doubt at all that given time you will be your old self and well again.

I know what you mean about believing it though, that's one of the hardest things to do, but as the meds kick in and you start to feel a bit better your belief will return.

Keep talking, keep writing, I don't think it'll be too long before you start to notice an improvement.

SJ x

[jessibella]

09/01/15 Venlafaxine 37.5 day 2

Pretty grotty awful day.

Managed to get off and out the house to take Poppy (now 2.5) swimming. It was really hard and I thought i couldn't do it but we did. Met my friend there and we had a drink after. She was lovely and said she knows I'll get better and was supportive.

Returned from swimming and was just feeling awful, sick and very very low. Called my mum and packed some things to take over. How I got there I'm not sure as it was a bit of a blur. However I made it and they helped looked after Poppy for the day. Couple of brief moments where my mood lifted a bit but only very briefly. All in all it was a blooming hard day and I went to bed very early.

Really really hope the ADs start to work soon or at least the side effects become more tolerable. I am nauseous and have no appetite currently. Forcing myself to drink milk and eat fruit but can't stomach much else.

Got work again Monday so will see how the weekend goes and decide Monday if I can make it in.

Just want to feel a bit better, feel so bleak and hopeless at the moment.

[jessibella]

Thanks so much Sarajay. Your kind words help. I just want to feel a bit better but I know the ADs take a bit of time. Just a shame the side effects are so rotten for me. I have a sensitivity to most of them.

[sarajay28]

Yes I remember feeling much the same as you during the first few weeks of taking mine. I suppose the positive side is you've already been here so know what it's like, even though it's awful right now! It will get better.
Well done on managing swimming! It's these little things that will help you. It sounds like you have all the right support and strategies in place, that's gonna help you massively, well done!
I hope, should I encounter pnd again (I'm currently 25 wks pregnant with no 4!) that I will be as pro-active as you! You are inspiring xx

[steph]

Hi Jessibella

I remember you from my rotten days back in 2013 when I was riding the rollercoaster again! As hard as it seems right now especially while you wait for meds to kick in,just try to focus on that strength within you and be certain that you will pull through this again! I too have had a bit of a blip over the new year and feeling a little crappy at the moment but I am still on meds so hoping that will help me through the negative thinking patterns xx Stay strong lovely, you will defeat this again xx

[jessibella]

10/01/15 Venlafaxine 37.5 day 3

Morning anxiety! I have noticed I have started to wake up earlier than usual with awful anxiety symptoms. My whole body feels full of adrenaline and fear and I can hardly keep still. Feel really awful and jittery. I tried to lay there and go back to sleep but it was hard. Brief snatches of sleep and then more anxiety. Horrid!

Once up and moving it gets a little better and then I feel less anxious but just very low. Morning was hard. Poppy's dad came to collect her and I found myself thinking how much easier it would be to still be with him as he could look after us. However I know that's the depression thinking. He has moved on now and has a girlfriend and I left him because I was unhappy with him. Depression just makes you regret everything.

Tried to go back to bed but it was a bad idea as I just lay awake worrying about never getting better and not coping.

My mum encouraged me to get up and walk to town with her which was much better than laying about. Town was tricky but we stopped and had a coffee which was ok. On the way back from town I started feeling a little better. My friend popped by to chat and was lovely. She brought flowers and was encouraging. I also started reading a book on depression called "depression, an illness of the strong". It was so encouraging and made me see depression really is a physical illness just like high blood pressure and that the meds really do help.
Rest of the afternoon and evening were pretty ok. Had dinner with my parents and even managed to eat a bit! First day I have actually managed a solid meal as have had no appetite.
Before bed we watched a film and I was able to enjoy it and went to bed feeling ok. I absolutely know the soon will be back tomorrow but a break is nice. I remember from sat time that you get brief lifts of mood in the gloom and gradually in an up and down pattern things seem to improve.

[jessibella]

Thanks Steph and Sarahjay. Ypur replied mean a lot to me x

[monica]

Hi

Although you feel pants it sounds like you're coping well and doing all the right things. With the antids you can feel worse before better so hopefully in a couple of weeks things will pick up - they did before and they will again.

Xx

[sarajay28]

Oh the anxiety! For me it was the worst (sometimes still is!) but again you did absolutely the right thing. Get up, do stuff! It means the anxiety gets sidetracked. Well done. And what a fantastic support network you have :-D
As for your statement "depression makes you regret everything " I have to disagree, I think it makes you question everything, every little decision you make, every choice you live with etc etc. This is where you feel regret as you know that had it not been for the depression you might have made different choices/decisions. try not to beat yourself up about it, easier said than done I know, but at the time you made the choices/decisions that were right for you.
It's good you remember how recovery works - that will be a much needed light at the end of the dark tunnel you are in.
Keep doing what you are doing, you really are doing great xx

[jessibella]

11/01/15 C24 V 37.5 4

Woke earlyish again and experiencing the extreme jittery anxiety symptoms Body feels full of adrenaline and fear. It's really really horrible. Keep trying to fall back to sleep but it doesn't help.

Fairly low morning. Went for walk with mum and on this occasion I felt pretty awful during it and had a dreadful period after if feeling sweaty, lightheaded and just rock bottom. Though it was bad it did pass once I rested for a bit. Might have pushed myself a bit too much on the walk. The ads seem to still be making me feel sick and wobbly at times.

Lovely period of calm descended on the afternoon from around 14:00 onwards. Feel calm and able to manage with what is directly ahead of me. Don't need to push myself. Don't need to listen to anxious thoughts and feelings. Take things as they come. These feeling lasted for quite a while and it was encouraging that despite how dreadful I felt after the walk earlier I was able to feel quite good later on.

Evening was ok. Not quite as calm as earlier and found myself worrying a lot about coping etc. Worrying about relying on mum and dad, even though they clearly want to be there for me. I know my brain seems to search for risks and worries a lot. I wish I could learn to stop it. I think the best approach would be cbt or similar once I feel strong enough to manage it.

[sarajay28]

Sorry you had a reasonably bad day, I think the thing with anti depressants are that usually things will get worse before they get better. It's so so tough to pull yourself through it though.
It's good you are thinking about other coping strategies such as cbt, you seem very open to new ideas so I think that'd help you.
Keep talking xx

[jessibella]

12/01/15 C25 V37.5 5

Mornings are so hard at the moment. Wake up anxious and jittery then have to get Poppy up, feed her and try and get ready for work. All seems like a huge challenge at present. I feel so tired and low that it is all a gigantic struggle. By the time I'm ready for work I feel worn out.

Sometimes I am astounded that I make it to work! However I did and when I'm there very very slowly it picks up in an up and down fashion. Often by midday I am feeling like I am coping ok and then around 14:00-16:00ish I might actually feel alright for a time. Which is a wonderful relief.

My mood in the evening from 17:00ish is not so good but manageable. A bit of anxiety here and there but if I don't ruminate too much it passes.

Rest of the evening was a mix of wobbly and good. Relaxed later on and managed to eat a good dinner. Obviously it is hard not to feel sad and worried about how I'll feel tomorrow. However I know this is the pattern with me until things start to lift. Hope the ADs will do their business and start to make the mornings a bit easier.

[jessibella]

13/01/15 C26 V 37.5 6

Mornings. At the moment my mornings are just awful. The hardest part of the day. I wake up filled with awful anxiety that seems to go through my whole body. It isn't aimed at anything specific just a sense of anxiety and dread. When I get up I feel nauseous and unable to eat anything. Completing tasks like getting Poppy fed and dressed feels impossible. I have an awful feeling of dread and sadness. In my chest and I feel like everything is so difficult. I have to push and push to get myself through the mornings. They are awful and I hope they start to get easier soon.

Went into work and mood was a bit wobbly but seemed to improve slightly. By lunch I started to feel a bit more manageable and went for a coffee with My friend. However after that I hit a big slump and felt really awful, sad and anxious again. I ended up going home at 15:00 as I felt so dreadful. Then I just felt really sad, disappointed and depressed. Feeling so scared that I'm not getting better and afraid the ADs won't work. I know I need to give them time but times like now really set me back feeling I won't get there. I feel shocked at the change in my personality. Usually I'm pretty positive/happy but just feel like a different person. Just feel unable to cope.

Fell asleep for an hour or so and felt pretty ropey and down. Started some small household chores and very slowly began to pick up a bit. I know people do recover from depression it just seems like a long old journey at times. At least I know I can feel ok at points during the day and that things do seem manageable at times. I know I can survive this I just have to accept the ups with the downs and keep the gp informed on how I'm doing.

Made a week planner to remind myself the things I need to do on different days and meals I need to make Poppy etc. For some reason having a plan makes things look a bit more manageable. All I need to do is the things on the planner and try and see friends and family at points too.

Managed to go to exercise class with my friend this eve which was good. Feels like an achievement when today feels like it's been pretty bad all in all.

Decided to increase my venlafaxine again slightly as Dr wants me on 75mg really but I have to be gradual due to side effects. Took half a second tab at bed and if it's not too bad will increase to 75 at the weekend.

All in all pretty hard day but even then had some ok parts.