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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 14, 2015 5:49:40 GMT
You are doing absolutely amazing! I know all of the feelings you describe and it's awful, truly awful. It's completely normal to feel scared of not recovering but you've done it before you can do it again. I know that never ending battle feeling can sometimes be the worst but you won't always feel this way. Yes there might be periods of depression in the future but you have some fantastic strategies for dealing with it, it's hard to lose sight of your own abilities during these down times. I too felt like you about my personality, I'm was unrecognisable to myself too. In hindsight that's not always a bad thing as it makes you aware that yes you desire to be this strong, reliable person you want to be but it's sometimes ok if you aren't. Well done on the planner (I do this religiously every week!) and the exercise too, both will help you function until you get your zest for life back. Fingers crossed the increase in meds, I was on 75mg of venlafaxine, will stabilise you and aid your recovery.
Keep talking, you are helping me as well as yourself! Xx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 14, 2015 21:02:37 GMT
Thanks Sarajay. Do you remember worrying you wouldn't get better too? For some reason it's my number one fear and terrifies me.
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Post by jessibella on Jan 14, 2015 21:04:28 GMT
14/01/15 C27 V 37.5 7
Usually jittery start. Felt really bad and low. Struggled into work but was feeling really bad and got tearful. H was supportive and said I just need to try and look after myself. Perhaps speak to the manager about doing afternoons if I feel a little better then. I have realised I need to look at this option as mornings are so difficult. Will discuss with manager and HR.
Things got a bit more manageable later on and I decided to practice breathing through the bad moments.
Spoke to Hr and was feeling very tearful and bad at the time. She felt I'd probably be best signed off for the time being due to being teary and low at work. Gave me details to get counselling etc and encouraged me I would be back but just needed time to recover.
Went back into office and worked most of the afternoon feeling wobbly off and on but manageable. The main issue is worrying and anxiety. Scared of not recovering etc. Worried I have some kind of difficult to treat depression.
Went to my parents after work and discussed options. My manager called and we agreed I would go in tomorrow afternoon to do a bit of work to tidy up my files etc so if I do get signed off they can be handed over fairly easily. I felt much happier at this option and we agreed I would decide after weekend whether to be signed off. I really feel worried about the meds and whether they will help as so far I just feel the same or worse. I know they take time though.
I need to focus on the here and now, not thinking into the future put managing what is right in front of me and accepting that for the time being I am unwell. I have no idea how long recovery will take but I intend to keep trying.
Wobbly evening. Managed to enjoy a bit of tv but find myself feeling very anxious about my recovery again and worrying how long it might take.
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Post by monica on Jan 14, 2015 21:34:57 GMT
Well done on the plan of action - it is only temporary and you will go from strength to strength but until you do this sounds like a really good course of action which will help you gather your strength.
Like you I had huge doubts. I used to think when having s blip that this would be it forever or that is be the one who wouldn't recover. This is normal and the depression talking as its hard to imagine things betting better but they will . X
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 14, 2015 23:07:33 GMT
Yes I did! It was also my number one fear ? like Mon says it's normal to feel this way so try not to overthink it. Well done on being pro active at work too, if only all workplaces were like yours! It makes such a difference to have support the way you have. Hope tomorrow is a better day xx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 15, 2015 20:49:51 GMT
15/01/15 C28 V 37.5 8
Morning was hard and anxious as usual. Tried to watch some TV but really couldn't get any pleasure from them at all. Felt really low and gloomy and all the usual worries surfacing about not recovering etc..
Went for a walk with mum and my mood was somewhat improved and we talked about how I'd been feeling and how to manage the negative thoughts that spark my anxiety and make me feel I won't recover.
When we got home I got ready to go into work to do some finishing off. The drive there was ok and managed to get some stuff done but also realised I need to do some more before I have time off just to sort a few things out. Office was ok but towards the end I started feeling sad and gloomy again.
On the drive home I was feeling sad about being single and like I could never handle starting a new relationship. I know this is the depression but I just want to believe I can have a happy life whether I meet someone or not. At times like this I just want my ex back. He supported me well through pnd and I worry I didn't try hard enough to make our relationship work. I know there is no point feeling like that and you can't rely on someone else to make you happy. Just from where I am now I can't even think about new relationships.
Also feeling a bit sad as my friend cancelled coming over so going to be alone tonight. Will try and make the best of it.
Some things I can do this evening: Play with Poppy Hang out washing Read a book Eat dinner in front of tv Tidy bedroom Talk to friends on what's app Read articles online
Feeling in a bit of a slump this evening. Not completely depressed just a bit low. It's been a mixed day and I just want to feel positive about things. Trying to take each day at a time is helpful and not getting to hung up on whether I feel I'm getting better yet as it's early days. I feel like for the time being I need to learn some methods to live with depression and enjoy the bits I can and get through the hard bits.
I do feel pleased when I manage on my own for an evening as I don't like to rely too much on my parents. I know they are there for me but I want to feel I can just about manage alone too. It is extra hard though with a 2.5 yr old running around and I appreciate thier help so much.
Unfortunately it was a pretty low evening in the end. Nothing seemed to lift me much and I just ended up feeling sorry for myself and lonely and decided to crawl into bed, read and have an early night. Just hope I start to feel a bit better soon.
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Post by jessibella on Jan 16, 2015 22:28:25 GMT
16/01/15 C29 V75 1
After a pretty bad evening I woke up feing pretty low. Lots of awful thoughts going through my head. I can't cope with life, I'll never recover, I can't do this alone etc. Feeling really awful and so so hard just to get out of bed, get Poppy ready and go swimming.
Swimming was really hard but I did it. Felt very bad and wishing I could be normal/ happy like the other mums not full of anxiety and dread. Went for a coffee with my friend after. I opened up about how I'm feeling and got upset. She was very supportive and reassuring and suggested I was just dealing with everything I had been through this year and it's no wonder I'm struggling. I said life just feels so hard at the moment and a constant challenge. She assured me it would get better and I would feel "me" again in time. She said I just need to allow the process to take it's time. I felt a little better and the children played together.
I just wish the positive moments could last as now I feel awful again and scared again. I just feel the meds are not working. I really need some ideas for getting through the really bad parts to the manageable parts. At the moment nothing seems to help in those awful moments. I just feel unable to cope with daily life currently feeling so hopeless and low
Today was a bad day. I really didn't feel much better at all. Although I was glad to be at my parents tonight. Spoke to mum about how sad and scared I feel and she just said we'll get through this together which helped. So worried the meds won't help.
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Post by monica on Jan 17, 2015 16:28:34 GMT
It's still early days and also it's normal to feel worse before you get better. You're doing v well you know. It's really tough for you but hopefully in s week or so time the meds will start working and you'll pick up . How long did it take lady time for meds to start working? X
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Post by jessibella on Jan 17, 2015 19:27:10 GMT
Thanks Monica.
Problem was last time I was already on Mirtazapine before I started the Venlafaxine which seemed to help with the side effects etc. It seemed to help pretty quickly last time in combo with Mirtazapine and I very quickly stopped taking the Mirtazapine after the Venlafaxine kicked in. This time I have noticed a lot more side effects with the Venlafaxine such as increased anxiety and complete loss of appetite. However seeing Dr Wednesday so will chat about my options then xx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 17, 2015 22:48:20 GMT
17/01/15 C30 V75 2
Well I feel like I've hit rock bottom. Woke up shaky and jittery again, full of nervous energy and anxiety. I upped my meds to the Dr's recommended dose yesterday which could have increased anxiety etc but I just feel so so awful and hopeless. Got up with Poppy and somehow got her ready and gave her breakfast before she went to her dads. We spoke briefly and he is worried about me feeling low and coping with Poppy. He is trying to be kind and supportive but I think he finds it hard.
I went back to bed for a bit but just felt pretty awful and just wanted the awful thoughts and feelings to stop. Eventually mum encouraged me out of bed. Had a bath and helped her in the kitchen. This seemed to help a bit. Arranged to walk into town and again this eased things a bit and things felt a little more manageable. We stopped for coffee and I managed to relax a bit. I wish the easier moments would last.
Having a nasty dip again this afternoon. Trying to find reassurance off the Internet of people recovering. I feel I am in the worst of it right now. It feels like a huge hole in my chest/throat. I feel weak and unable to cope with anything. I just want to cry and for the pain to go away. My body also feels prickly all over the skin and I feel jittery. It really is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I just hope that very soon things start to lift a bit as currently I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Afternoon was pretty wobbly. S came over and we went for coffee and I felt pretty bad and anxious throughout. He came back to my parents for a cuppa and we all chatted. I explained I was feeling super anxious and everyone was kind and just said it's a waiting game.
After another dinner where I could barely eat anything I started to feel more relaxed. I decided that I will work hard on my friendships and family relationships as they are the most important things to me and mean so much. These will supports during the bad times and provide joy during the good times. I watched a film with my parents and managed to enjoy it. Just sad that it is likely I will dip again tomorrow.
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Post by monica on Jan 18, 2015 11:35:23 GMT
Hugs. It's great when u have such supportive people around you . I figure you're on day 9 of meds. For me it was a good 2 weeks before things started to lift. I think you'll be on day 12 when u see Dr so hopefully those extra days will better help u see if meds R helping. Remember if you feel like you can't cope try to make emergency appt.
It sounds that doing things really helps to take the edge off things. Perhaps try to keep active as a distraction. If you lived near me I'd get you over here to help me clean my house - haha! But little things like ur doing such as going for walk, cleaning out cupboard can lift you.
Hope today is betterx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 18, 2015 12:57:33 GMT
Thanks Monica xx
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 18, 2015 13:30:38 GMT
I was just about to write literally the same as Mon! Lol. I think the way you are forcing yourself to do stuff is fantastic, I remember how hard it is to do that. Things will start to get better soon, I was approx 2 weeks before I noticed a difference too xx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 19, 2015 20:59:06 GMT
18/01/15 C31 V75 3
Very jittery morning again. Tried to stay in bed a while but it was just torture. Find myself praying for relief from the awful symptoms.
Came downstairs and felt really nauseous again and was almost sick. Not sure if it was lying in bed so long feeling awful that did it. At times I just really feel I can't do this anymore. It all seems so hopeless.
Poppy's dad dropped her off and had brought a fancy potty as we talked about starting potty training. However the whole thing just seems overwhelming and impossible at present. I don't feel I can cope with hardly anything let alone potty training.
I am so scared that I am stuck like this and won't get better. The idea frightens me so much.
Went for a walk with mum and felt pretty rotten still.
After the walk I got on with looking after Poppy and making her lunch. I decided to focus very intently on just doing these small tasks to look after her which seemed to help a bit. My problem is if I try to imagine the future at the moment it all just seems too much and I feel I can't cope with normal life. Staying in the here and now is for the best if possible.
After I put Poppy down for a nap I felt very low again. I just don't feel I am getting better and I think the medication is making me feel worse at times.
Poppy didn't nap long and when she awoke I had a hard time trying to play with her whilst feeling so awful. It was a long and hard afternoon. In the end I felt so anxious and dreadful I felt I couldn't take anymore and asked my dad to take over and I had a nap.
Felt a bit better after nap and managed to come and spend time with Poppy before bed.
The rest of the evening was manageable though I still felt very worried but more relaxed.
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Post by monica on Jan 19, 2015 23:35:59 GMT
Poor you - what a tough day. I wonder what Dr will say . You do sound worse in them. It sounds like the naps help - maybe get a couple in during the day if u can . Hoping tomorrow is betterx
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