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Post by jessibella on Jan 21, 2015 13:16:15 GMT
19-20/01/15 C32-33 V75 4 and 5
Couple of really really tough days. Monday my brother drove me to see the work psychiatrist. I told him everything and he said I have "severe depression" and I just need to wait for the meds to kick in currently. He asked for 6 further sessions with me which he will advise work about.
After I got home I managed to get myself to work and just tie up a few lose ends so I could go on sick leave. Actually felt weirdly calm and ok at work and evening was ok too.
Tuesday was awful though! Truly awful. Really scary negative thoughts all day. Ended up sobbing to my parents about how hopeless I feel at the moment and so scared. They reassured me I will get better and to keep going and accept I am unwell and I need support from them.
Felt calmer again in the evening and even quite numb which was actually a big relief. Keep hoping things will start to pick up.
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 21, 2015 14:39:26 GMT
You have so much support around you, I know you feel helpless at the moment but you know you won't always feel like this. I'm glad you are having some respite from work, although work can keep us going through the tough times it can also be a hindrance too. Give yourself time. I know you feel truly awful and want to feel better now but have faith that you've overcome this before and will again. Keep talking xx
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Post by monica on Jan 21, 2015 18:48:13 GMT
Hugs. SJ hit the nail on the head. I know you feel so shit but honestly you're doing all the right things - leaning on family , distracting urself etc. things will get betterx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 21, 2015 23:33:51 GMT
21/01/15 C1 V75 6
Got my period this am so perhaps been experiencing my on top of depression last couple of days. Usual shaky start but got off to Dr's. Told her everything. She was completely lovely and just assured me that I was in the "worse before better" stage and things would pick up. She said the drugs take a little time but the side effects should be easing soon. She said she would sign me off for 2 weeks then review. She also said she'd speak to the psychiatrist about whether to add the Mirtazapine.
Something she said in the appointment which really stuck with me was to remember I was ill, just as ill as someone with pneumonia or a broken leg and I need the support that anyone with a serious illness needs. I know this has been said here before too. Today I was able to fully accept I am ill at the moment and I should allow myself to rely on others without guilt and accept I will feel bad due to the illness.
Weirdly enough after the appointment I didn't have such a bad day. Felt a bit numb at times but nothing like the level of hopeless I have felt other days.
Early evening I hit a nasty patch worrying over a few things and whether I would cope.
Spoke to a few friends in the phone this evening and really felt encouraged again afterwards and had a fairly relaxing evening. Perhaps the meds are beginning to take affect a bit. I do hope so.
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Post by jessibella on Jan 21, 2015 23:34:50 GMT
Thanks for your support Monica and Sarajay xx
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 22, 2015 4:46:03 GMT
That's really good to hear, it's such as difficult illness to accept, I often had the feeling that I 'shouldnt' be depressed, that I had no reason to be! This caused me huge guilt because I was depressed. I'm glad you've accepted that you are ill, this will help your recovery. Always here xxx
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Post by monica on Jan 22, 2015 8:27:33 GMT
Your appt sounded very positive and it sounds like it really helped you. I too used to be very harsh on myself about not being able to do simple tasks but this is a debilitating illness exactly the same as physical ones - you just can't see it .
Hope things start getting easierx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 23, 2015 21:24:40 GMT
22/01/15 C2 V75 7
Woke with anxiety symptoms and jitters as usual. When I wake up it seems like my body instantly goes into fight/flight mode like I have something to be afraid of like a lion or something. However I guess the fear is actually coming from my worries about coping etc. Think the meds make me a bit more jittery too.
After a fairly difficult anxious morning if really feeling very anxious and scared I lay on this sofa to try and relax. As I lay there I began to try and think of a plan to get me through day by day until things start to lift.
I realised that all the scary and anxious thoughts just make me feel worse and hopeless. As much as I can I need to stop worrying so far ahead about how I am going to cope with the "big things" such as work and moving house and focus on just the small tasks I can manage day to day whilst I am unwell.
I decided to allow myself to do whatever I need to get by each day whether that's having a lie down, a bath, cuppa or just napping but to have a list of small things I want to do each day such as "have a walk", "call a friend", "wash dishes", "go to shops". I think just having a selection of positive manageable achievements each day will allow me to feel less guilty when all I can manage is to lie back. It should also help me feel more in control. I am home alone this weekend as parents are away and hoping this plan can help me through.
Went to Tesco and got some supplies for the weekend and a notebook to write my daily tasks in. Still feeling fairly rubbish but managing.
Felt pretty bad during the evening. Dave came over to be supportive and help with Poppy but really preoccupied with feeling so rubbish and confused about things. I just want to feel me again.
22/01/15 C3 V75 8
Today was a fairly low one.
Woke up very low/anxious but managed to get up and out to swimming with Poppy though it felt impossible.
After swimming having coffee with my understanding friend I felt a little more positive for a time and we had a good chat whilst the children played.
Back home I felt low again. Dave came to take Poppy and we chatted and had a cuppa. Really appreciate his support during this time. When he left I did a few small jobs then lay down for a bit to relax. I fell asleep and woke up feeling just awful and hopeless and didn't know what to do with myself. Thankfully I had my list of a few things to do today. So I literally forced myself out to get petrol and to chemist and then my good friends house.
Was pleased I had got out and definitely felt pleasantly distracted for an hour or so with my mate . She was so lovely and encouraging which helped.
Then back home and had a bath. Read my pni diary and it was quite reassuring in a way to read the up and down journey and realise it takes time to feel better.
Decided I will start Mirtazapine tonight as need to start eating again and I guess I have nothing to lose to find out if it might help a bit. We'll see.
Rest of the evening was ok. I read a bit and did some tidying. Still find myself worrying about recovery and whether I am stuck like this. I know logically that is unlikely but I also know recovery doesn't happen overnight. Anyway took my Mirtazapine so will probably sleep well.
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Post by monica on Jan 24, 2015 12:47:41 GMT
How did yesterday go? Did mirzapine make a difference? You really understand this illness so well - I'm sure when meds kick in it will boost your confidence no end. I know how debilitating anxiety can be.
Have you got any plans for today?
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Post by jessibella on Jan 25, 2015 11:01:43 GMT
23/01/15 C4 V75 9 M1
Awful awful day. Slept really late and then stayed in bed most of the day. Still no appetite so feeling quite weak and faint a lot of the time. Just couldn't see the point in getting up and out of bed as feeling so hopeless. Contacted Dave in the end and asked if I could stay at his as my parents are away till tomorrow. He was fine and encouraged me to come over.
Finally got up and out around 17:00 and managed to get over to Dave. His mate was there and I managed to chat a bit but just couldn't stop feeling my life is over and I can't do anything anymore. So so scared I am stuck like this. No motivation and feeling hopeless and afraid.
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Post by jessibella on Jan 25, 2015 22:40:43 GMT
24/01/15 C5 V75 10 M2
Another pretty tricky day.
Got up earlier and sat with Dave and Poppy. Feeling very low and hopeless about things and worrying that I don't feel better and if anything feel worse. Managed to help out a bit and then drove to my parents.
At my parents I had a good cry about how bad I'm feeling and talked things over with them. All agreed that trying to have some kind of routine whilst I'm with them would be a positive start. Walked to Waitrose with mum and felt less anxious/hopeless but still a long way off well.
Started to feel low again as the afternoon wore on. Still getting awful anxiety symptoms. Feel shaky and twitchy and my skin feels prickly. The other horrible thing is the hopeless thoughts that I won't recover and won't get back to normal again. Feel very scared that I am stuck like this.
Felt a little calmer again after dinner lying on the sofa. The end of the day seems to be my calmest and least hopeless time. I still doubt that the anti depressants are working and worry about recovery but seem better able to stop overthinking in the evening.
Although my appetite is still generally very poor I did find myself able to eat some more dinner than I have been and before bed I really fancied and ate a piece of bread and butter. I wonder if the Mirtazapine is starting to give me an appetite. This would be good as I have barely been able to eat.
One thing upsetting me is that I have had to cancel several things with friends due to feeling bad. I hope I will soon be able to enjoy those things again but I just can't bear many people seeing me like this. I am also worrying constantly about going back to work. On one hand I am desperate to be back and "normal" and on the other I am afraid I cannot cope with it right now.
I know I need to try and live day to day currently. However it is very hard not to worry about these things when I feel so low. Trying to stay in the moment is important right now.
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Post by jessibella on Jan 27, 2015 21:16:57 GMT
25/01/15 C6 V11 M3
Another fairly awful day.
Started off without the usual jitters/anxiety but still feeling very low. Trying to look after Poppy was extremely hard and by 11:00ish I was feeling dreadful and unable to cope. Was tearful again and ended up going to bed for a couple of hours.
My aunt came over in the afternoon and felt a bit less awful whilst talking with her and watching her with Poppy. After she left I started to go downhill again and after getting Poppy bathed, fed and in bed I lay on my parents sofa feeling dreadful. Praying for relief and desperately questioning why I feel so awful. Mum eventually came in and again I sobbed until I calmed down.
Somehow after that my mood seemed to lift and I felt relaxed and more hopeful. I don't know why but the evenings just seem easier. I guess I feel less stressed and know I can relax properly. I don't feel like my old self but I feel ok and manageable.
26/01/15 C7 V12 M4 Woke up without the nasty morning anxiety and didn't feel quite so awful as some mornings.
Mum drove me to psychiatrist appointment. Drive was ok. I found the appointment mixed. Some of it was very interesting and spot on about me and Dave and some of the reasons we separated. However at times I felt quite low feeling like none of it could help with how bad I felt at times. We talked a lot about relationships and how I can be a bit insecure and sometimes this has meant I get hurt by people. We also talked about some cbt techniques that can help with the negative/depressed thinking. At some points I felt he was telling me I need to "try" harder and not rely on the anti-depressants. I think because I said I thought they weren't really working. However I do know I need to do some things to help myself, it's just really hard when you feel so low.
After we got back from the appointment I was feeling quite low. Mum sent me off to relax for a bit and I did some breathing and tried to do some positive thinking.
We then walked to town and took Poppy to the library. I managed to actually relax a bit at the library and feel quite comfortable whilst she looked at books etc. I did this by trying to stay in the present moment and not worrying about the future and reminding myself I am safe. Seems silly but this helped me realise I can manage to take her out etc even if I feel bad.
Then we went to the shops and I managed to buy her a few bits of clothes she needs.
When we got home I had another break and came up with a plan for the bad and not so bad moments.
When I feel wobbly/bit bad staying in the present, letting go of past and future. Stay in the very moment you are in and realise you are safe in this moment and this moment is all that matters. Focusing on whatever you are doing in that moment (poppy care, reading, chatting, work etc)
When I feel awful. Try and read/write and If you cannot distract in any way, take a break, relax and breathe slowly. Repeat "I will get better", stay in the moment, try and picture you in recovery if possible, try and focus on the fact that this bad moment will pass.
I recognised that when I feel bad I have the assumption "I feel bad so something must be wrong, I'm not getting better" When actually I could think "I feel bad right now but it will pass in time".
I seem to remember from my CBT that staying in the present moment and managing moment by moment rather than looking ahead or behind is very important to try and stop my mood spiralling down. I know in time things will feel a little easier but whilst they are hard I can use some of these techniques to cope. The psychiatrist also reminded me to stop looking at where I want to be (which seems a long way off) but to try and imagine a serious of steps to where I want to be. Taking one step at a time and accepting it will take time and involve some "snakes and ladders" as he described it.
The evening was ok. Calmer as usual. One thing I have realised is that a lot of the anxiety/depression I feel seems to link with feeling "safe". For example I feel anxious/unsafe when I think I am not getting better as I imagine I can't/won't cope in the future. Whereas when I just look at the present moment I can soothe my anxiousness by reminding myself I am safe right now, there is no threat, I am managing despite feeling awful. Not sure if that makes sense but I find it reassuring.
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Post by sarajay28 on Jan 28, 2015 12:10:47 GMT
Glad things seem a little easier for you, it's horrible feeling that you know what you need to do but actually doing it is such a struggle, it's definitely a catch 22 situation eh? I think the 'baby steps' advice is spot on and I love the snakes and ladders reference because it's so true and we are often so hard on ourselves that we think recovery means we ALWAYS need to be happy and cheerful when actually in reality nobody is! I even do this myself if I'm having a bad day, I tend to go into meltdown! Instead of seeing it for what it is - a bad day. I like the mindfulness thing, it really is true. Now is the only time that matters! Not yesterday or tomorrow but now. I must remember this too.
Hope today is better for you and thanks for sharing your experiences, it helps me too xxx
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Post by jessibella on Jan 29, 2015 23:38:49 GMT
28/01/15 C7 V13 M5
Pretty low this am. Had a lie in and read for a bit. Morning anxiety/jitters seems a bit better but I just feel very low mood wise.
I go through waves during the day of bad, awful and okish. Not enough okish for my liking. Dr called and I explained I still feel very low. She still feels it's early days. Feels the Venlafaxine needs longer and perhaps a higher dose, she thinks that for the time being I needn't be referred to the psychiatrist as she is hopeful things will pick up. Felt a bit lifted after talking to her as it gave me some hope of improvement. Managed to eat a bit if lunch before my mood dipped again.
Mum and I went to my flat today to start packing (did I mention I am buying a new flat, all in the midst of this). Seemed like an enormous impossible overwhelming task but actually we got quite a bit done. I found it hard due to the gloomy thoughts I was having as I packed up.
In the awful moments I just feel like perhaps I am just not someone who can cope with life, I am just unable to see myself feeling better and it scares me. However I do know this is the depression talking. It really is horrendous the awful things you think about when depressed. I just wish I had a way of snapping out of it. I know I have been happy/normal most of my life but with depression you can't seem to remember or believe it. For the time being I accept that I am going to have these very nasty awful moments and also some better moments.
Had a pretty relaxing evening. Felt ok really from 20:00ish onwards. I just seem to worry much less and things seem manageable. I can enjoy watching some TV and even think about home decor and things. Hoping once I move I will feel more settled overall.
Trying to figure out what is better about the evenings. It seems my thoughts are less gloomy and more positive, I can imagine positive events and remember happy times and the negative thoughts and anxieties seem much quieter. In the evening it seems "safe" to take a day at a time and live in the moment. During the day worries seem to take over.
29/01/15 C8 V14 M6
Slept in and struggled to get myself out of bed. Once up I just felt so so bleak and awful. Life seemed pointless and hopeless and I started to believe I am stuck like this. Nothing helps. Spoke to Dad who reassured me that the depression makes things seem pointless/meaningless when in reality when you are well you find meaning and pleasure. It is just hard to feel meaning when there is no pleasure for long periods.
Went for a walk with mum and was feeling completely dreadful. Wondering how I can ever get out of this. Experienced small raises in mood briefly. I remember from before that acceptance is a huge part of managing depression. Accepting I did not choose to feel like this and that I have become unwell through no fault of my own. That it doesn't make me weak or pathetic and that for the time being I need to accept I don't know when I will feel better and take each day as it comes. Getting through depression is so so hard when you are in the lows and everything seems pointless. I think I am in a fairly deep/severe bout right now and realising that is scary. However I know depression is self limiting. It does end it just can take a long time.
After we had been in town I spent some time reading some depression recovery stories. Some seemed like mine and others seemed quite different. However it was reassuring and a further reminder that recovery will happen in time.
In the afternoon my friend popped over with her son. I felt ok most of the visit though a bit wobbly at times. Was getting nervous about going back to my flat tonight and staying there alone with Poppy. It'll be my last night there before the move and I am nervous how I'll cope.
Actually felt reasonably ok going to collect Poppy and taking her to the flat. However once in the flat I started becoming very anxious. Worried I can't cope living alone and making very negative and anxious predictions that I won't manage in my new place and won't recover. At times like that it is very important to remind myself of the fact I have been living alone for the best part of a year and managing. It is the depression telling me I won't cope not reality. Whilst it is true that there are likely to be some hard times particularly whilst I am depressed there is also likely to be some good times where I feel I am managing and coping. Letting my mind run away to the future is not helpful as currently all I can predict is difficulties. The reality is I have not even moved yet. By the time I move I may be managing better. I can ease myself in slowly to staying at the flat. Mum has said she can stay occasionally to get me used to it and I will have Dave and my friends around too. Once I am back at work things will seem more manageable too. For the moment and maybe forever I really really need to live a day at a time. Managing what is right in front of me and trying not to get caught up on thoughts about what might lie ahead. It is the thoughts/predictions that feel so bad.
S came to visit this evening. I was worried I would be too low to enjoy it but actually it went well. Was able to chat and have a nice evening with him and just before bed I really feel ok again. I just seem to be less worried and more able to see a positive future rather than a bleak one. I just hate that the mornings are so hard!
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Post by monica on Jan 30, 2015 10:27:23 GMT
You're doing great honestly. It's a very difficult time dealing with the feelings of hopelessness and negativity of this illness and initial effects of meds. You R so right it's thevdepression talking and things will improve. Sounds like things are improving ever so slightly? You mentioned am are becoming easier I think.
Wow flat move ! What's ur new place going to be like? You will settle down . Ur parents and support network are amazing and will help u get thru any difficult blipsx
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