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Post by mozbunny on May 22, 2015 23:17:28 GMT
Hi am new to this site and have never posted anything before but need to speak or I'll go mad. Yet another sleepless night worrying. Have always suffered depression periodically following sexual abuse but got worse when I was pregnant. Although I was initially happy about being pregnant things went downhill and it was like being sucked into the pit of despair. I hated the changes to my body and I hated people commenting on my bump felt totally out of control and began to feel like I didn't want to pregnant. At the same time my husband lost his job through his own behaviour and we went through a really bad time. I was working mad hours and couldn't relax. I ended up having a bit of a breakdown and was signed off work. Had my daughter via elective c section as couldn't bear thought of natural birth and internal examinations etc. I love my baby so much but I look back on that period before and after she was born with so much sadness; such a dark time, I felt so anxious and hopeless. Even now three years on I still don't feel back to normal and am filled with guilt about being a bad mother and letting my baby down. I feel so jealous when people gush about their babies on Facebook or bring them into work-I want to hide away. I work in child protection and although I love my job and sometimes think it's the only thing I do well- I can't help feeling in some ways I'm as bad as the parents I work with-there is no logic to that as I have never abused or neglected my child but I feel like she deserves better than me. The other day I went to training about high risk pregnancies and attachment to baby during pregnancy was raised; I wanted to cry because I felt dead inside when I was pregnant and it still fills me with horror. I feel so alone. This is a long post but had to get this off my chest.
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frogface
Private Board (R) Member 
Posts: 938
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Post by frogface on May 23, 2015 17:05:46 GMT
You poor thing, you had such an awful time in your pregnancy that even now it's over you are still stuck feeling guilty over it. Can you talk to your GP about how yu are feeling?
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Post by monica on May 23, 2015 18:45:40 GMT
Hello and welcome
It's evident you are a wonderful mum who loves her Child dearly. PNI is a terrible illness and robs you of those happy times. Most women describe it as a dark hole where it feels like there is no happiness. Many mums wiht this illness feel they are not good enough for their Children but that's just not the case at all.
Have you had any help from GP? Counsellling although painful and difficult can help you rethink your thought patterns and offload all thatäs getting you down and most importantly give you the confidence that you are a great mum. Itäs clearly been a very traumatic experience for you. Try to look forwards and not dwell on those darkest Days (easier said that done I know). Would you consider medication. That can help give you that much need lift. It certainly was the turning Point in my illness.
Please keep talking to us we really do understand x
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Post by mozbunny on May 24, 2015 1:10:09 GMT
Thank you. Been on meds since I was about thirty weeks pg and now daughter is three. Sick of being on sertraline, makes me sweat and am overweight. Been prescribes mirtazapine but scared to take it because of side effects of weight gain. Trying to wean myself off sertraline but feeling very dark, am ok in work when busy but at night I can't stop thinking and scared to go to sleep even though exhausted. Scared to leave my daughter at night in case something happens to her and end up having really poor quality sleep. I feel like I will never get out of this hole sometimes. Just feel so sad.
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frogface
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 938
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Post by frogface on May 24, 2015 11:43:12 GMT
I hated sertraline, the side effects were awful for me - even so, if you are weaning off that will make everything seem worse. Why not give the other AD a try, just for six months and see how you get on? The side effects may be totally different (or not affect you at all) and if they do you can stop. Is the gP overseeing your coming off sertraline? It is good that being busy at work helps you. Are you able to go out for a walk in the evening? Being awake at night is awful, and wrecks your head. That "can't stop thinking" is so draining and then it gets upsetting. It doesn't have to be like that. Have you got a partner you can talk to about everything?
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