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Post by barty6 on Jun 25, 2015 13:24:39 GMT
Hi i am new here, just found the forum today.
I have been struggling to cope with looking after my baby from the start. I know I love him but I can't help but feel the I should never have become a mum and that he would be better off without me.
I have suffered with depression before I got pregnant and had just about managed to recover when I found out. I am constantly crying, feel completely alone and have thoughts of suicide although I would never do that as I love my little boy. I am so quick to get angry and really frustrated with how my life is now that I find myself wishing I could go back to before I was pregnant.
I have been to the dr before and he gave me antidepressants and referred me for counselling but I didn't go through with either as I got through my depression before through self help strategies and thought I could do it again. However I have just got steadily worse so I am going back to the doctor today. I am just so scared of being dependent on drugs to cope.
My partner is very supportive and before the baby I loved him so much but now I feel nothing. He would do anything to help me.
I feel things are made worse by people around me who think 'I'm just tired' or I should just get on with things and having a baby is hard but I'll get over it. They make me feel ashamed and guilty that I desperately need help so I don't feel like I can ask for it.
Thanks for reading.
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Post by monica on Jun 26, 2015 9:01:44 GMT
Hello Barty6 and welcome
Well done on going to the dr - youve recognised all is not well and are taking active steps to helping yourself.
Motherhood is a huge change - hormones , and suddenly you have this all consuming baby to look after which can be tiring, isolating and quite monotonous no matter how much you love them. You mentioned feeling numb towards ur partner where as you didn't before - that's commin with pni and is a symptom of pni - I'm sure those feelings will return as you pick up and you will.
I imagine your Dr will offer meds and or talking therapies . It's compketely up to you which course of action you will take . I took meds after resisting them for months and for me they were the starting point for my recovery.
Do let us know how u get onx
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Post by sarajay28 on Jun 26, 2015 9:02:42 GMT
Hi
Welcome to the forum, it's a fantastic place to just get all your fears and worries out without fear of being judged! Us mums here all totally understand how you feel.
I'm glad you've found the strength to o back to your gp today. Please don't be scared of being dependant on meds. I've personally been on and off meds throughout my time having children (I've just had my 4th!) your gp will support you during being on and coming off them. Counselling would probably be a good idea to help you work through the issues you've faced in the past that have caused your depression, even just talking to someone who understands can be really helpful.
Please come back and talk some more if you feel able and let us know how you get on at the Dr's. Good luck
SJ xx
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Post by barty6 on Jun 27, 2015 9:43:37 GMT
Thank you for replying.
The GP has put me on citalopram. Although I am still reluctant, I have started taking them. I spoke to the HV yesterday and she has offered to do listening session with me but I'm so scared of speaking to someone and being judged. I know they are professionals but I've never been good at sharing my feelings.
I'm worried that maybe I don't have PNI and I'm just selfish and lazy so don't want to be looking after my baby. What if I'm just overtired and don't need the medication? I know logically that this probably isn't true but it keeps going round in my mind.
We are trying to teach baby to sleep by himself and he just cries so much. I'm having to let my partner do most of the work because I can't listen to him without getting upset. But that makes me feel really guilty that I'm not helping.
I'm glad there are people here who understand and have been through this before. And more importantly you have come out the other side!
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Post by monica on Jun 27, 2015 10:09:18 GMT
No you're not simply lazy or overtired - i too questioned whether I had pni too especially as you can have ok moments too. This is quite normal. You've identified you haven't felt right for a prolonged period - it's quite different to simply having a few tired rubbish days - with pni its lingering .
The listening sessions are really good with hv. It's hard opening up especially to s stranger but I guarantee she will have heard it before and I'm sure will be able to offer you advice and understanding . Perhaps write down a few things about how you feel and let the conversation start from there.
It's up to you whether you take the meds. Talj to hv about this. I imagine waiting s couple of weeks won't change things - perhaps try the listening visits? They may help. You might want to try a bit of exercise and squeezing in a bit ofvtime just for you. Could you ring fence an hour every couple of days - have s bath, go forcacwalk, shopping but make that hour just be about you.
Finally keep talking to us - some ladies like to start a diary in the diary section to just offload on s regular basis x
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