Ali's diary

[barty6]

Hi there

I am new to this diary thing and I'm hoping it is going to help with my problems.

My LO is 16 weeks and the most beautiful little boy but I just can't find it inside myself to enjoy him. This afternoon was so fantastic as he rolled over for the first time but then he screamed at me for ages when I was trying to get him to take a nap and I was about to have a panic attack so got OH to take over.

I find myself getting so angry. The other day I threw a book at a wall just to relieve some tension. I would never hurt my little boy because deep down I really love him more than anything. I hate feeling that angry because I just want to be happy and enjoy playing with him and cuddling him.

I have been on citalopram for 5 days now and still feel terrible that I am on ADs every time I take it. The HV has offered to give me listening sessions but she called today and I missed the call and couldn't bring myself to call her back.

I've felt like this for so long now that it doesn't feel like it will every get better.

Thanks for reading and all replies are welcome.

[monica]

Welcome to the diary section!

Pni is a horrible illness bit for most sufferers it's so hard to accept this that they R very hard on themselves . I get the impression you fall into that category. I was like this too. You've found yourself with new demands brought on by baby together with huge changes to your life. Coupled with pni can make this a very difficult time. Well done on contacting Dr . It can take a few weeks for meds to kick in. Don't feel bad for taking them - you wouldnt if u took meds for tonsillitis and it's the same for pni only the symptoms aren't visible.

You clearly love ur baby to bits and are a brilluant mum. Keep talkingx

[barty6]

Feeling very down for the past two days. I was hysterically crying all afternoon yesterday and today I just feel numb.

HV came this morning for listening session but didn't know what to say to her. I just feel so awful and then guilty for feeling so bad when I have the loveliest little boy and family helping me. I don't understand why I feel this way when I have so much support and help around me. I just want to hide away from the world.

My OH told me I can't just lie in bed all day while the baby is napping because it will make me feel worse. I know he is right but I don't have the energy or motivation to move. While baby is awake I play with him and feed him etc but I switch off again once he's asleep. I then dread him waking up because then I'll have to function again.

My OH keeps asking me what's wrong and am I ok and I just want to scream at him.. He doesn't understand how I feel because he's never suffered from anything like this and just gets on with things. I don't know how to explain to himself. I need him to take care of the baby for maybe just a day so I can regroup but he just seems annoyed when I ask him to help and take him away from his work.

Hopefully the meds will kick in soon. I've been on them a week so maybe a couple more weeks until I start to feel a difference.

[monica]

Unfortunately this is the nature of pni-you can have the perfect life around you but inside its hell on earth. It's common for there to be no specific reason for feeling the way you do.

For this reason it's hard for many people to understand why you feel this way. With physical ailments eg of you broke a leg, there is visual wxplanation for not being able to run etc. you probably look fine to your oh! I'll be honest I didn't understand pni until I had it myself - exactly how low you can feel was a dreadful 'new' to me and it was hell on earth .

It's early days with the meds. It's common to feel worse before the meds kick in - I felt dreadful for a few weeks then things suddenly slowly started to lift . With me I noticed I wasn't crying anymore, felt content and just started enjoying life.

Perhaps with ur oh, give him specific tasks to do eg can I look after baby between 6 and 7 as I feel drained . Maybe set urself luttle manageable goals - something like washing dishes after breakfast , going for walk round the block - nothing too taxing. Really praise urself for doing it too and if u can't because you feel too unwell or its too much don't worry - there'll be other opportunities.

Re hv perhaps ask her for suggestions ? Try to offload about how u feel - it's v hard to do with people u know well let alone stranger - but overtime itll get easierx

[monica]

How has today been?x

[barty6]

Hi Monica

Thanks for replying. How are you?

I'm not feeling too bad today. Went out with my mum for a girls day shopping and took the baby with us. He was so well behaved and it felt good to be out. My mum hates to see me upset and it was lovely to spend some time with her.

I still find myself very irritable with my partner. He's been working so much and all day today and I miss him being around. But when he does come in from work, I find myself snapping at him so easily. I don't know how he puts up with it.

My mood swings are extraordinary. One minute I'll be happy and the next I'm crying or feeling very angry. Do you know if this is a normal thing for PNI?

Hope you are well and enjoying your weekend.

[monica]

Hi

So pleased you had s good day - it's a sign there are more to come!

Yes the ups and downs even many times a day are normal with pni. It can be like being on a roller coaster ride and very draining. However it's also a sign of recovery . The main thing is that ur overall trajectory of ur recovery is an upward one even though there might be many dips.

All fine with me Thx - a bit tired with a huge to do list !
Enjoy the lovely weather x

[barty6]

Hi all

I have been feeling better over the past couple of days but taken a bit of a dip today. I'm sure it's due to being up half the night with the LO. He really doesn't sleep well at night and it's obviously very draining as I'm sure you all know.

HV coming again today and I'm dreading it. She just sits there looking at me expectantly and I have no clue what to say.

I have managed to enjoy spending time with my LO more recently though so I am very happy about that. We have also booked a little holiday at the end of August which makes it nice to have something to look forward to.

I'm trying very hard to stay positive as I'm sure the meds have started to make a difference. I still find I don't want to be intimate with my partner at all. He is so patient but I'm worried that eventually he may just get fed up with it. It keeps running through my mind that maybe it's not the PNI and I don't feel that way about him anymore. Please tell me someone else has felt this way and the feelings have come back? I don't want to lose him.

[monica]

Hi

It's a v good sign ur picking up. Really pleased. Tiredness can be s sure trigger for blips - any chance of s daytime nap? Not easy I know....

Lack of libido (I think that's what u mean) is v common with pni and especially meds. I've always had quite a good sex drive but with meds it disappeared and on top of that I couldn't have orgasms ( sorry if that's too much info). I would be open with ur hubby that's it's not him but pni and meds - I'm sure that's the cause- if he knows he won't think its himx