Will this get better?

[dmpmummy]

Hello all,

This is the first time I have posted on any forum, I'm a little scared.

I have just been prescribed 25mg of citalapram, going up to 50mg the following week (which sounds like a lot to me?!) but so far have found myself unable to take the leap into taking them - it feels like a decision I can't unmake easily if I have to take them for 6 months after getting better.

I gave birth 5 weeks ago in a traumatic 60 hour labour which ended in a forceps delivery in theatre. I was in complete shock for days and when the baby blues kicked in I was wholly preoccupied with committing suicide. I was seen by the crisis team every day and have recently been discharged because my mood is much more stable and I no longer have thoughts of self harm.

However, I am SO irritable. I can't seem to control my anger and often snap at my husband. I do love my son but I have to remind myself that I do because bonding with him has not been easy, possibly because I spent the 1st 6 hours of his life violently shaking in recovery from the labour. If I'm honest, I often feel that he probably doesn't like me very much.

I really don't want to take the drugs unnecessarily - does anyone have any stories of recovery without anti-ds?

[monica]

Hello and welcome!

Congrats on your baby. Your birth experience sounds horrendous. This can be a trigger for pni.

It sounds as if you're making a recovery if you are largely over the self harm thoughts - 5 weeks is a short space of time so you're really making speedy progress .

The irritability is a common reaction /symptom . You've identified it though ( some women don't ) so that's good. Have u spiken to ur partner about this. Maybe reassure him it's not him and your fuse is short ATM . I think if u keep lines of communication open with him he will know what's going on. Perhaps make some time for yourself - exercise if ur able , can be really good for burning off nervous energy and releasing endorphins. I know you're only 5 weeks post birth so take it easy.

Recovery is possible without meds. The pros are it can make ur recovery quicker . The cons the first mes might not agree with you , you can feel worse initially and as you said you are committed for At leadt 6 months after you feel better.

I took citalopram . A standard dose to the best of my knowledge is 20 mg but this can be increased. I'm not medically qualified so maybe consult a pharmacist ?

Have you been offered talking therapies? Talking about ur traumatic birth experience and offloading ur feelings can help hugely - I understand ur reluctance in taking meds. Perhaps given that ur recovering quickly try counselling and see how u get on?

Please keep talking in here too. The ladies really understand x

[dmpmummy]

Thanks for your reply

I'm getting mixed up (memory terrible these days), I've been given sertraline not citalopram so prob the dose is right. I've decided to start them this morning after a night of panic attacks and self harm thoughts creeping back in.

I've been in psychotherapy for 3 years as I myself am a movement psychotherapist so I'm a big fan of therapy! However, I realised I was waiting for someone to "give me permission" to take meds as if it doesn't work out I don't want to hate myself for making the wrong decision. But after realising that, I knew what I really need is to allow myself to take them because no matter how emotionally strong I am, it's too much of an uphill struggle when I have responsibility for my LO plus the sleepless nights. If, as you say, recovery might be quicker with anti-ds then it's not fair on myself and my family not to give it a shot.

Really helps to write it down and know there are others out there who understand

[monica]

Hi

I went for several months without taking meds. Initially I didn't want to as I wasnt a nutter! Honestly that's what I thought. Then eventually it was out of desperation as my situation wasn't impriving. I had zero quality of life. For me it was the right choice and fortunately worked out.

Don't hate urself for taking them - or indeed not taking them. There are pros and cons for each option . But usually anti ds work well and will improve ur quality of life. It doesn't make you a failure or weak - in the contrary you have taken positive steps in changing your situation for the better x

[dmpmummy]

Thank you :-)