Post by Nimoway on Apr 24, 2016 4:36:50 GMT
Hi
I have Postnatal illness and am in the throws of trying to get help and I am so sad and angry.
I have suffered depression previously in my life linked to an abusive relationship. I managed to get better but looking back now I think I started becoming ill again following a miscarriage which was discovered at a scan.
I've always wanted to be a mum more than anything. So after my we fell pregnant with a rainbow baby after our loss very quickly and she was born I was euphoric for about a month. I didn't get the baby blue day(s) that the other girls in my antenatal class got and I was so relieved because I thought I'd escaped any illness, a fear throughout pregnancy as I knew I was more susceptible. Then it started to slowly creep in.
It started with thoughts of not being a good mother, fear or me passing and my child living with the pain of losing me like I do with the loss of my parent several years ago. I started binge eating, blaming it outwardly on the hours a newborn brings and needing the quick energy fixes Then it progressed to she's better off without me. I found I was becoming snappy at my partner and bitter towards him. My health visitor never asked me if I thought I was ill, she seemed to becoming more than expected. She came on a real bad day, near the anniversary of loss and it slipped out and I cried. The brave face cracked. She told me she'd guessed that something wasn't right, my eye contact with her had been poor for the past few visits and I was outwardly not wanting to be with other people go to groups. The relief someone had guessed, the anger my love ones hadn't and the shame I felt because I was ill was immense.
My Hv was great she arranged talking visits with me, referred me to CBT and I thought I was doing what have done before pulled myself out of it as in previous dips I could. I started Cbt but it soon became clear to myself and the telephone 'therapist' I needed face to face therapy because of not dealing with issues from past, instead stuffing them in a box, I don't open or remember. I'm awaiting an appointment and I'm so scared and angry I've had increasing bad thoughts about my child being hurt, some at my hands. I would never hurt my child never, or myself I might add but the thoughts and the guilt and the shame are so much to bare. Not told anyone about these thoughts.
I've only just recently told my partner I'm ill. He tries but has never been affected, I can see his disappointment and my illness is affecting us. I think I'm making him sad as his negativity is way up too. I'm going back to work in 6 weeks, my little one will be 5 months. I'd planned on doing so prior to birth, as for reasons I'll not get into I get maternity allowance and thought money would be too tight so promised my boss I'd return. Financially in fact we are ok but part of me thinks my child would be better with the grandparents who are going to look after her, they'll bring her on better not stick her on the mat or chair as much as I do and do more tummy time or cry in her presence.Also part of me hopes that by getting a bit of me time and being more than a mum again, which is a terrible thing to say, will help also my boss won't be annoyed. I do worry I won't be able to perform though as baby brain and concentration is diabolical.
I won't take mess, in the past they take so long to work and make me way worse And then foggy headed. I also am feeding my child myself and I know they say crossover is minimal and their are 'safe' drugs but their isn't enough research for me or a high enough percentage of certainty to make me want to risk my child.
I'm just so sad I know I love my child but at the times I imagine women feel that swell of love I just cry and hate myself just a little more and worry my child will be adversely affected. I'm angry because not wanting to sound like a victim I've been through a lot and my child was supposed to be my bit of happiness my reward.
I have Postnatal illness and am in the throws of trying to get help and I am so sad and angry.
I have suffered depression previously in my life linked to an abusive relationship. I managed to get better but looking back now I think I started becoming ill again following a miscarriage which was discovered at a scan.
I've always wanted to be a mum more than anything. So after my we fell pregnant with a rainbow baby after our loss very quickly and she was born I was euphoric for about a month. I didn't get the baby blue day(s) that the other girls in my antenatal class got and I was so relieved because I thought I'd escaped any illness, a fear throughout pregnancy as I knew I was more susceptible. Then it started to slowly creep in.
It started with thoughts of not being a good mother, fear or me passing and my child living with the pain of losing me like I do with the loss of my parent several years ago. I started binge eating, blaming it outwardly on the hours a newborn brings and needing the quick energy fixes Then it progressed to she's better off without me. I found I was becoming snappy at my partner and bitter towards him. My health visitor never asked me if I thought I was ill, she seemed to becoming more than expected. She came on a real bad day, near the anniversary of loss and it slipped out and I cried. The brave face cracked. She told me she'd guessed that something wasn't right, my eye contact with her had been poor for the past few visits and I was outwardly not wanting to be with other people go to groups. The relief someone had guessed, the anger my love ones hadn't and the shame I felt because I was ill was immense.
My Hv was great she arranged talking visits with me, referred me to CBT and I thought I was doing what have done before pulled myself out of it as in previous dips I could. I started Cbt but it soon became clear to myself and the telephone 'therapist' I needed face to face therapy because of not dealing with issues from past, instead stuffing them in a box, I don't open or remember. I'm awaiting an appointment and I'm so scared and angry I've had increasing bad thoughts about my child being hurt, some at my hands. I would never hurt my child never, or myself I might add but the thoughts and the guilt and the shame are so much to bare. Not told anyone about these thoughts.
I've only just recently told my partner I'm ill. He tries but has never been affected, I can see his disappointment and my illness is affecting us. I think I'm making him sad as his negativity is way up too. I'm going back to work in 6 weeks, my little one will be 5 months. I'd planned on doing so prior to birth, as for reasons I'll not get into I get maternity allowance and thought money would be too tight so promised my boss I'd return. Financially in fact we are ok but part of me thinks my child would be better with the grandparents who are going to look after her, they'll bring her on better not stick her on the mat or chair as much as I do and do more tummy time or cry in her presence.Also part of me hopes that by getting a bit of me time and being more than a mum again, which is a terrible thing to say, will help also my boss won't be annoyed. I do worry I won't be able to perform though as baby brain and concentration is diabolical.
I won't take mess, in the past they take so long to work and make me way worse And then foggy headed. I also am feeding my child myself and I know they say crossover is minimal and their are 'safe' drugs but their isn't enough research for me or a high enough percentage of certainty to make me want to risk my child.
I'm just so sad I know I love my child but at the times I imagine women feel that swell of love I just cry and hate myself just a little more and worry my child will be adversely affected. I'm angry because not wanting to sound like a victim I've been through a lot and my child was supposed to be my bit of happiness my reward.
