Dark thoughts / Scared of medication

[newmummy]

Hi all,
New to the site and in need of help.
My baby is 3.5mths old. I haven't felt right since the beginning - hugely emotional - but over the past month things have taken a big turn for the worse.
I was prescribed antidepressants (fluoxetine) but having only taken 4 tablets I had awful thoughts about harming my partner and baby. It was so terrifying I came off them straight away. Whilst the thoughts disappeared for a little while, they have gradually come back. Not as intense as before, but still disturbing and I get them a number of times a day.
I also have (and it makes me feel sick to my stomach to even write this) thoughts about maybe abusing my son. I know I would never do any of these things, which is why they put me into a complete spin. I start thinking I need to remove myself from the situation, get sectioned etc.
I am seeing a psychologist which I think is helping, but it's all very slow for now. I'm also starting a group CBT course for anxiety on the NHS in a few weeks time.
I think I need to try new medication again but am so fearful that they will amplify my thoughts and put me through another week of hell. I just don't think I'd cope. My GP has prescribed Sertaline but I'm thinking about paying to see a private psychiatrist who has more experience in this area.
Has anyone got any experience of medication? How did you get through the first few weeks and he intensity?
Thanks,
N

[frogface]

I'm sorry you have to experience this horrible thing. The first week of antidepressants can make things worse before they get better. On the other hand it might not have been the right drug for you. I was prescribed sertraline first by a psychiatrist but it didn't agree with me - I know it has helped a lot of people. Remember the thoughts are just thoughts and they don't mean anything about you other than that you do actually care about your child and your relationships.

I found that actually inviting the thoughts in a safe place helped me to overcome my fear of them but I know that might be difficult. Another trick is as soon as they appear to start naming everything around you (book, wall, window, tree) and then do the same with sounds and smells. It fills up your mind. I think it's great you are getting help. Sometimes that is the hardest thing of all. Good luck.

[frogface]

Also keep writing here as often as you like because it can help to just put your thoughts outside your head.

[Kirsty]

I feel your pain Hun hugs to you xx

[Kirsty]

I feel your pain Hun hugs to you xx

[monica]

Welcome!

I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible illness. All the symptoms you've described are common ones for PNI including the thoughts about abusing your child. For obvious reasons these are particularly distressing. Someone described these as the mothering instinct (where you feel protective of your child) going into overdrive where you even see yourself harming the child. Once this thought is planted you start to dwell on it which increases the anxiety and so on ....as FF these are just thoughts and the cbt in particular should be good at teaching you to bat these thoughts away.

Re meds it's common for ladies to have to try a couple of different ones before one that works is found. Unfortunately it's trial and error but I understand why you're worried given your past experience .

There are other things you can do to help ease the anxiety. Firstly in order to try and diminish the anxiety you have to teach yourself to relax again . Certainly I found that the anxiety became ingrained in me and I was permanently tense. For me focusing on slow deep breaths through the stomach helped as well as tending my mescles for 5 secs then letting go. Exercise helped me hugely especially anything that got my heart rate up. I remember going into a step class v depressed and coming feeling normal that's how much it did. I don't know if you're able to do anything like that - a brisk walk round the block can really make a difference.

Please do keep talking - the ladies here are amazing and really do understand what you're going through x

[New Mummy]

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied. It's been so helpful and really nice to know I'm not alone with it all.
I don't know if anyone can relate, but sometimes I think I've manufactured and made up everything in my head. Like is this really some sort of really bad dream or self fulfilling prophecy and I've caused this illness through overthinking things? It's hard because the past few days I've been around people and so the thoughts have gone. It's only when I'm alone with my son all day that the dark thoughts seem to come back.
Anyway, I'm trying exercise and relaxation, as well as getting out more. Also hoping to see a psychiatrist to talk about meds. If that fails however I'll just take Sertaline and see what happens.
Lots of love,
N

[frogface]

You sound exactly like me - I called it social anxiety in reverse. I only freaked out when I was alone with the babies. It's real, it's not your fault and you didn't want it or cause it. It's good that you are able to enjoying y being around people and have a break from your thoughts. Keep talking.

[loz916]

hi hun
i would just like to say thank you so much for posting on here about your experiences and sharing honestly them

its helped me so much to come to realise i cant possibley be sick in the head if another new mother whom clearly loves their child is also thinking these thoughts. i also have distressing thoughts about abusing my child at first it was an overwhelming fear of child abusers which i have ALWAYS had and now they have distorted into thoughts that i will abuse my daughter whom i ansolutely adore more than anything in the world. she is 3 months old too

seeing you post that it is an overprotevtive maternal instict going into overdrive is spot on and reassuring for me to hear is true

and i want you to know that you can talk to me anytime about this i dont know you but it is so nice to reassure each other that you are not alone and we are both doting parents who just want the total OPPOSITE to happen to their beaut babies
sorry for the rant

lorna x

[monica]

Hi Lorna

Many thanks for your post. I'm sorry you're going through this terrible illness with this symptom. It's awful. However, for me, understanding the illness was half the battle. How are you getting on nowadays? Are the thoughts starting to ease off? The less you focus on the them, the quicker they'll go but I know that can be hard to do.

Monica

[loz916]

hi monica

thank you for replying! I have also found understanding the illness is starting to reassure me it IS an illness and its causing these unsolicited thoughts. I had two good days and i am starting to slip up now with the thought of HAVING the thoughts which is traumatised me and causing thoughts to reoccur.

I would rather be in any physical pain than this torture. I know it is my oqn longstanding fear of being sexually abused ( which has never happened but i have always deeply feared) is now.being passed onto fear for my daughter.
i dont possibly think this could go on for any longer? my brains lieing to me and i know it but i believe the lie!

[monica]

Hi how are you?

Negative thought patterns become deeply rooted in you quite quickly so they become an automatic response. It takes time and understanding to get rid of them but you will.

Also having dips when they return is normal too and as odd as it sounds is actually a sign of recovery . So be positive as these thoughts are not You! They're a symptom of a cruel illness x