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Post by Emma JJ on Sept 22, 2020 18:11:19 GMT
Hi my name is Emma I am 27 with two boys one who is 4 years old and the other who is 5 months old. I have always suffered with depression and anxiety along with BPD. Last year I tried to commit suicide because life got too much for me.
However since my baby was born in lockdown I feel completely worthless like I don't want to be here, I feel alone even though I have plenty of support from my family and husband. I am so anxious about everything but the main thing is my children getting sick and dying I am so terrified I can barely get up some mornings as the only time I'm not anxious is when I'm asleep, I can't sleep through the night and just laying thinking awful thoughts. I feel like what's the point when I live my whole life in complete fear of something bad happening to my children. I feel sick most days, lost my appetite, struggle to spend time with the kids and play and pretend I am ok. I promised after last year I would never try what I did again and leave my eldest son behind so today I contacted my doctor and he referred me to the post natal department in hospital, she called me and said that I can't keep running to them when things get bad and I sounded ok on the phone. Once I got off the phone I cried my eyes out just because I sounded ok on the phone she told me she wouldn't help and to go back to my GP which made me feel worthless. I am completely petrified of Covid.
Sorry if this all sound stupid I just wanted to talk someone as I feel so alone and that I am always going to feel this way and never get better.
Thank you for reading
Emma
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Post by monica on Sept 22, 2020 19:34:50 GMT
Hi EmmaJJ
Welcome to the site! I'm so sorry life is tough for you and that last year you felt so awful you trid to end your life. You're certainly not alone in feeling the way you do. I had severe health anxiety with pni (we call it post natal illness as depression is one of many symptoms women can suffer from) so I can completely relate to how you're feeling and how debilitating it can be. Please don't apologise - no way do you sound stupid. This is an illness just likek breaking a leg would cause pain so does this.
It made me so cross reading how you've been treated by the nurse at the perinatal team. It's disgusting. You showed such courage in seeking help and they of all people should realise that just because you sound ok it doesn't mean you're feeling this way. And to brush you off like that - it's appalling. Please believe me the majority of health care practitioners would NEVER say this.
Please, please go back to the GP and explain what's happened and get them to rerefer you - maybe instead of you calling the GP could do that given your experience. What's your gp and health visitor like? You've got grounds for a serious complain there if you choose to and I have sure the managers who run that department would be appalled to hear how you've been treated. Please don't let the way you've been treated by one unprofessional idiot make you feel worthless. You've one brave lady who has been proactive in seeking help - that's amazing and shows how strong you are!
I can assure you you won't feel like this forever though it might be hard to imagine at the minute. There are many treatment options - cognitive behavioural therapy is very successful in breaking the cycle of negative thought patterns. Medication is another option. I took antidepressants and they helped hugely. Like you I used to obsess about my kids and me dying to the point I couldn't eat nor sleep, I couldn't leave the house and became serverly depressed. I recovered and so will you. The journey might be tough but you'll get there!
things that helped me were medication (though this is not for everyone and best to discuss with GP), distraction techniques - I can share some of these if you like, getting out the house for walks - this was a huge task as Icould barely get out the house. Later when I felt better exercise helped me massively as the rush in endorphins woudl improve my mood instanteously. I can let you know a couple of cbt techniques I was shown for health anxiety which helped me too.
Monica
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Post by emmajj on Sept 24, 2020 20:34:25 GMT
Hi Monica,
Thank you for getting back to me, I spoke to my doctor yesterday and he said I should right an email of complaint as she needs to be more mindful. His now referred me to talking therapies however just feel like I need to speak to someone urgent so last year doesn't repeat itself.
I have been on antidepressants for 7 years now I'm on citalopram 40mg my dose has gone up and down through the years they did talk about changing my medication to something maybe more suited for anxiety but they have said I need to be completely mentally ready to do this as they will need to wean me off and then change me over and at the moment it's too dangerous to do this I tried to explain that to the nurse. Where I have been on them so many years even if I miss a day or two I get really bad withdrawal symptoms and my mental state gets worse.
If you wouldn't mind sharing some of your techniques with me I would be so grateful, I just want to get better for my children so I can enjoy life again.
Thank you for listening
Emma x
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Post by monica on Sept 25, 2020 11:52:10 GMT
Hi
I hope speaking to the dr has helped you feel that you're not worthless and didn't deserve to be treated so incompetently like that. Has your dr given you any phone numbers for crisis team etc? Please remeber if you feel really low and anxious even consider going to A&E/dialing 999 where you will be assessed by the mental health team. There's nothing wrong with doing that as emergencies for mental health reasons are just as significant as they are for physical problems. The samaritans are great too just to listen if you need calming down. It sounds like you need more specialist care than you're getting. Would you mind telling me which area you live in - maybe I can get you a contact with the perinatal mental health team there? I belong to a fb group so could ask for advice of who to contact (without giving any of your personal details). You could private message me your location or email admin@pni.org.uk.
Things that helped me with health anxiety. I learnt some cbt techniques as I was recovering which helped me. On a sheet of paper write down a worry. so mine would be my son is going to die as he has temperture. Then on one side write evidence this is going to happen - the reply might be - he's ill, not eating, then on the other write down evidence this won't happen - so that might be - he's got a cold, the rest of the family have a cold, he's got a runny nose, he's well, dr isn't concerned at all.
I found that the list of evidence of the health worry not happening would be far greater that the evidence somethig bad would happen. You could try this with your fear of covid. for me seeing it in black and white on paper woud bring home how irrational my thoughts were therby reducing anxiety.
Distraction techniques can be great - the aim is to nip the thought in the bud before it escalates. You can wear an elastic band on your wrist and when you feel a thought popping into your head you can flick it and that can shock you into not thinking about it.
A similar technique is to clap your hands when you get a thought.
Have you tried relaxation techniques? There's loads of them on the internet - lying down and breathing though your stomach slowly focusing on each breath helped me. Another was to tense muscles for 10secs then relax them.
Exercise helped me hugely! Especially anything aerobic - it bburns off nervous energy and the endorphins can lift mood. Power walks, couch to 5 k, anything really can be good.
Believe me you will get better - it's finding good support and techniques that work for you. Do you have a support network - freinds or family that can support you? x
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Post by emmajj on Sept 29, 2020 20:15:05 GMT
Hi,
Yes it did help so they have told me to self refer to talking therapies however may take a little while, he also told me to write an email to the team so the lady doesn't treat anyone like this. I have got all the numbers for mental health support due to last year when I saw the crisis team. I did consider ringing Samaritans but sometimes I feel like its just anxiety I am being silly if that makes sense?
I am based in Chatham Kent, I will definitely try writing things down I did use to this as it really helped but since I have had the kids I feel like I don't have the time to write it down by the time I do I will be worrying about 10 different other things.
I am going to do the elastic band technique that sounds like a really good idea, I found some anxiety cards in the works and you take them around with you and when you feel anxious or start to feel anxious you pick a card and it gives you a distraction technique they seem to be helping.
I pay for head space so I use this now and again but not often enough I do the breathing and tensing my muscles that helps a bit too. I try and exercise most days however the last 4 weeks I stopped but yesterday started up again and I ended up having a really good day until night time when the anxiety started so I put on a funny film to distract.
I do have a good support network however I feel like I rely on my mum and dad too much, as my sister also has bad mental health problems. My mum gets flashbacks of what happened last year as when the police called my dad they wasn't sure if I was alive or not. I don't want to scare my mum and dad again as they have been through enough, my husband is very supportive but he struggles to understand me which is why I came on here as it's nice to be able to speak to other people who know how I am feeling so I am not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing your techniques with me I will start doing them x
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Post by monica on Oct 1, 2020 9:23:13 GMT
Hi Emmajj
It's so hard to fit everything in isn't it with kids! It's great your family are so supportive. Often people simply do not understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves so that's probably the case for your husband. My kids' dad was like that and I was advised to give him practical stuff to do to help me which in his case worked alot better than trying to get emotional support. Do you the samaritans if you need them - that's what they;re there for !when you're in the thick of it being super anxious can be so distressing so talking to someone at that precise moment can make a huge difference. I know after the event you can doubt yourself and say it was just abit of anxiety but it's horrible at the time. And nipping it in the bud can stop it escalating. Give it a go next time you feel bad - if it helps then great , if it doesn't at least you've tried it.
The anxiety cards sound great!So pleaased they help! I might look out for them! No pressure to try out the other techniques - only if you hav the etime and the inclination!
How have the past couple of days been? Are there any partiular triggers that make you feel worse? When I was ill I noticed that having a cold, PMT and lack of sleep were big triggers.
Monica
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Post by emmajj on Oct 10, 2020 19:12:10 GMT
Hi Emmajj It's so hard to fit everything in isn't it with kids! It's great your family are so supportive. Often people simply do not understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves so that's probably the case for your husband. My kids' dad was like that and I was advised to give him practical stuff to do to help me which in his case worked alot better than trying to get emotional support. Do you the samaritans if you need them - that's what they;re there for !when you're in the thick of it being super anxious can be so distressing so talking to someone at that precise moment can make a huge difference. I know after the event you can doubt yourself and say it was just abit of anxiety but it's horrible at the time. And nipping it in the bud can stop it escalating. Give it a go next time you feel bad - if it helps then great , if it doesn't at least you've tried it. The anxiety cards sound great!So pleaased they help! I might look out for them! No pressure to try out the other techniques - only if you hav the etime and the inclination! How have the past couple of days been? Are there any partiular triggers that make you feel worse? When I was ill I noticed that having a cold, PMT and lack of sleep were big triggers. Monica |
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Post by emmajj on Oct 10, 2020 19:15:25 GMT
Hi, Yes it is really hard my triggers are if my children have a cold or under the weather. Today has been the worst day my dad had to call 111 for advice I havent got out of bed all day I'm completely distant from my baby I love him to bits but feel so distant towards him, I can't sleep at night I just lay there awake, I feel completely numb to life most days and can't cope. The only reason I'm in is because I don't want to mess up my 4 year old this all sounds so awful, I don't understand why I feel like this I just want to enjoy my life with my children and husband! Maybe I will contact samaritans thank you x Hi Emmajj It's so hard to fit everything in isn't it with kids! It's great your family are so supportive. Often people simply do not understand what you're going through if they haven't experienced it themselves so that's probably the case for your husband. My kids' dad was like that and I was advised to give him practical stuff to do to help me which in his case worked alot better than trying to get emotional support. Do you the samaritans if you need them - that's what they;re there for !when you're in the thick of it being super anxious can be so distressing so talking to someone at that precise moment can make a huge difference. I know after the event you can doubt yourself and say it was just abit of anxiety but it's horrible at the time. And nipping it in the bud can stop it escalating. Give it a go next time you feel bad - if it helps then great , if it doesn't at least you've tried it. The anxiety cards sound great!So pleaased they help! I might look out for them! No pressure to try out the other techniques - only if you hav the etime and the inclination! How have the past couple of days been? Are there any partiular triggers that make you feel worse? When I was ill I noticed that having a cold, PMT and lack of sleep were big triggers. Monica |
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Post by monica on Oct 11, 2020 21:00:55 GMT
Hi
I'm sorry today's hasn't been a good day. What did the 111 service advise? Please, please get your dad or someone to contact the GP first thing tomorrow. You need proper professinal medical advice and referral to the perinatal team urgently. Given your last awful experience, perhaps the GP can speak to them on your behalf? Or someone else if you don't feel up to it.
I know whenyou feel this awful everything can seem disconnected - this is the nature of pni. It's a horrible, cruel illess but please believe me it won't always be this way and you will recover. Having a baby can knock you for six and it's about getting the right treatment that will make you feel better. I had pni after my second child and I plummetted into this black hole - I got out of it and so will you. You're an amazing mum who is struggling. This illness affects 20 percent of mums so believe me you're not alone at all. Take things slow and steady. Each achievement no matter how small (ie combing your hair, getting up, holding baby) is a huge step when you feel this way, so really congratulate yourself. Maybe set yourself little chanllenges - they can be small things - and again focus on them and really praise yourself. Is there anything you enjoy doing? Music you like to listen to, drawing or whatever? Somehting you'd like to do for you? I went through a rough patch a few months ago and found listening to audio books quite soothing, so much so that I ususally now fall asleep within minutes of playing something. It might be worth ago.It really helped relax me at a time when my brain was quite a negative place to be.
I hear you when you say colds etc are triggers - I was the same. I've always been prone to health anxiety but this went through the roof!
I've posted on this facebook group asking for support in your area (I've not given any of your details), so hopefully I can get you some phone numbers for support.
Big hugs - you'll get through thisx
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Post by monica on Oct 11, 2020 21:49:48 GMT
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Post by monica on Oct 12, 2020 8:04:41 GMT
Hi
I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you with my last message. Just wanted to reassure you there is help out there from various sources. How are you today?
Monica
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Post by monica on Dec 2, 2020 21:16:26 GMT
Hi Emmajj
I was just wondering how you were doing?
Monica x
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