will I ever get better?

[firstimemum77]

I'm just desperate to reach out to someone who can relate to me. I've been ill with Pnd for a year now and though I have good days and if I'm lucky... sometimes a week... I keep going back to the same old anxiety, worries and crippling guilt that began right after giving birth. mostly, even when I feel better it's like I'm able to control the demons inside rather than completely irradicate them. I'm loosing hope and I've been seeking treatment the entire time. I'm on antidepressants etc and Ive been referred to a specialist... so I don't need advice on that front. I just want to talk to someone who's been there and can reassure me that all the horrible doubts and misery I have surrounding my son will go and are a symptom of an illness rather than me just being a horrible person!

[monica]

Welcome Firsttimemum77

I’m truly sorry you’re going through this cruel illness. And the next thing and possibly the most important thing I have to say to you is that you’re NOT a horrible person. It was only really in hindsight having recovered that I fully understood and accepted that my feelings of doubt, crippling low self confidence, self doubt and guilt were symptoms of this illness. If you were horrible as you put it, you wouldn’t t be wracking yourself with guilt.

My own Pni story started when my child was 4 months old and I had the illness moderately though for me it was and has been the worst period of my life. The other shock for me was the how long the illness lasted. I would say I was ill for over 2 years and I was also taking antidepressants. I wasn’t ill continuously but a normal pattern for this illness is ups and downs. Indeed, although the dips or blips can be excruciatingly painful they are often part of the recovery cycle.

If you could plot your Overall would you say you are improving. You mentioned you have good days and weeks sometimes. If the answer is yes, even if slow, then that is positive . If not, try not to disparity, as there are many treatment options. I have no doubt the whole coronavirus situation has had a huge impact on many new mums. You can live normally, can’t get that human companionship and contact most people need and are vital in the recovery period.

I’m happy to talk to you about my blips and how I felt - maybe this would help you and reassure you? Would you like to talk about your anxieties, worries and guilt?

You will recover from this, as I did, even though getting better can be so tough at times .

Monica

Monica

[firstimemum77]

Hi Monica,

I'm sorry I did not reply to this at the time, but I have been meaning to for months. Firstly to say that I am so grateful for this website and for the time you take to reply to so many women. What you are doing is a lifeline and I'm sure it may have saved lives too. You are a star and again, I truly reiterate, I am so thankful.

I am writing again also to ask for further reassurance. I have been a lot better in the last 2/3 months which has coincided with going back to work, but also and probably more significantly my dose of citalopram being upped to the maximum amount. I have to be really honest and say that I have thought at times 'I've licked this thing! I'm better now' so that I'm not just presenting the negative side of how I've been feeling.

The problem is it seems to come in waves and I'm suffering a really bad wave at the moment. I go to work, I function normally, do chores, look after my son in all ways and I am there for him emotionally too whenever he needs me, but at times I am still terrified. I don't really even know what of? But when I'm like this I don't want to come home. I'm so scared of the feelings I'll have when I get there. It's like the unbelievable amount of pressure to perform well as a mother and to love him unconditionally.

He's being quite a challenge at the moment and pushing the boundaries - hitting, throwing tantrums and ruining stuff like bashing the TV or scarping off wallpaper with his fingernails and I'm really struggling with my feelings of annoyance and disliking him when he hits me. It triggers in me guilt again, which I know is ridiculous (no-one enjoys being hit in the face!) but I find these conflicting emotions a real challenge and I feel terrible even telling him off, even though I want to teach him right form wrong.

It's not just that though, it's also feelings of overwhelm and not being able to switch from work to home and this constant niggling feeling : 'when we life start again' (which I'm sure is down to Covid-19 and all the restrictions we've faced). I also feel like I need to react and be present and do stuff with him constantly and sometimes after a day at work or poor sleep I'm too tired to be 'ON'. I still do it, but instead of praising myself for continuing to give my all I just feel ashamed that I'm not feeling swellings of love and pride and feel like I'm a fraud- pretending.

I try to get relief by practicing self care, but when I feel like this nothing interests me or makes me feel better or excited. only eating brings some relief because I like to cook and that's also something I have to do to feed our family and when I'm eating I get that instant pleasure - it's something that brings me into the 'now' BUT I'm also obese and despite sticking to my three meals a day and getting quite regular exercise I can't loose weight. Even when I was hugely strict, calorie counting and fasting two days a week - I put on a pound! So the one thing I enjoy is tainted by the fact I feel like a huge ugly pig.

I don't know what I want from writing this really. Just to get it all out on the page and not feel so numbed and sick of it all? I guess I also want to believe that 'Yes' I am still getting better and this seesaw of emotions is expected with Postnatal illness - even if we don't know the reason. Any response to help me through would be wonderful.

Thanks again so much!

[monica]

Hi

Great to hear from you! Please don’t apologise for not replying sooner. This is your space and you can use it however you want to - there’s no obligation to reply.

Thank you for your extremely kind words. I hope we can help support ladies suffering from this awful illness. I know what it’s like to be in that dark place amd if I can provide even if only a little comfort and reassurance then it’s worth it.

It’s great to hear things have been improving. The waves you describe are typical with Pni and a sign you’re recovering. Saying that they can ge very distressing as you can feel you’re back to square one or worse make you feel as if you’ll never recover. Furthermore after an extended good period they can feel even worse. It’s like you’ve tasted the honey ie normal life then it’s snatched away from you. I hated these blips especially at the start. I likened it to being on a rollercoaster . Up down up down…

You mentioned the intense pressure of motherhood when you’re having one of these blips. Yes society and we as mums, put a huge amount of pressure on ourselves to be perfect mums and it can feel overwhelming. Actually just being yourself is perfect. It can take time to gain confidence.

When feeling like this do be ‘kind’ to yourself . If you can find time to do something nice - it doesn’t have to be with baby - do something and have a bit of time out. It’s positive and an investment into your well-being to recharge your batteries. Also you mentioned how hard it can be when you’re tired etc - there’s nothing wrong in plonking your child in front of the telly so you can have a break or just taking it easy. Can you imagine doing your job 24/7 or even 12/24 without a break. We’re not machines and need time out! Would you consider counselling? That can be really positive - you can offload, learn coping tools and it’s support.

I’m sorry about the weight issues. I think most women struggle with this. I’m sorry you’re not losing weight as it sounds as if you want to. Meds can make you put in weight and struggle to lose it too. Would you be able to put this on the back burner for now? Try to keep active and eat healthily. If it’s really bothering you perhaps talk to dr.

This blip will pass. Over time the blips will become less intense less frequent and you’ll manage them better, I promise you. You’re doing an amazing job - allow yourself to have a break! X