|
Post by francoise on Mar 20, 2007 18:36:09 GMT
thankyou
just thought i would maybe through being mentally prepared for it be able to cope with it better but i cant cope with it , everyday is crap , its different in the physical way , i have loads of new things i didnt have with leon , and my mind isnt working atall well , all of a sudden i just go into a massive mood even if im in the middle of something good , happens umpteen times a day and i think about death all the time , i agte cold patches all over me , im so convinced i have something dead bad again but im more surer this time , im not on any pills right now becasue i was suicidal she said it might push me over the edge that im teetering on with pills adding to it , i dunno if thats right or not , just feels crappy ,
its like im fighting with everything i have to survive this and i feel as though im losing the fight more and more ,
sorry got to go , being nagged
francoise xxx
|
|
|
Post by monica on Mar 20, 2007 18:42:08 GMT
Oh sweathear
Sorry things are so bad. You mentioned cold patches. I used to get them when I used to think about mad things. I think it was a stress reaction. Could it be that with you?
Are you getting any other support? From hv, dr, friends?
Thinking of you
Monica
|
|
|
Post by chica on Mar 20, 2007 21:00:57 GMT
Hi Francoise, I am so sorry I have not caught up with you for a while. I am so sorry to hear that things are so bad for you at the moment. I wished I had a magic wand that I could wave for you to take all the pain and anxiety away. I am afraid all I can offer you is my ears and support.
Here for you honey.
Love and Hugs Chica
|
|
|
Post by francoise on Mar 21, 2007 7:31:19 GMT
hi
only seeing the h.v once a month as was supposed to have a cpn but that got stopped as her workload was too much , still on cbt waiting list , the doctor doesnt really look into my physical stuff anymore because she says i have ocd , feels like im making it up when i go , was gonna shave my hair off again , the girls will remember me saying this way before britney spears did it but cant now as the epoint will be lost with britney doing it , sounds silly doesnt it me saying that but i dont care or well i do but thats how i think really ,
anyway im gonna be selfish maybe with the forum n try n get support as much as possible , cant seem to give out much optimism to others and thats vital in a way eh , god dont even know what im on about anymore , . thanks chica , thanks mon , thanks all u girls , my lifeline again
francoise xx
|
|
|
Post by monica on Mar 21, 2007 10:29:39 GMT
Hi
Use the forum - that's what we're here for. U were here for me when I needed you.
I believe you re: physical stuff and I can relate to people suggesting it 's all in your head as I got that, too - but it isn't. The medical profession just doesn' t realise how physical this illness can be and you can have symptoms which don't stem from anxiety.
It doesn't sound as if you're getting much support but I guess that's the NHS for you. If you're feeling low are you able to call NHS direct or Samaritans or somebody like that? Just to offload and know your'e not alone? How's your hubby? Is he supportive of you?
Love
Monica
|
|
|
Post by francoise on Mar 21, 2007 21:02:02 GMT
thanks mon
i asked hubby to have tomorrow off work as leon n mel have chicken pox but he cant so im dreading it , had a real bad episode today with severe stomach ache , had to just get into a dead hot bath , its my ovulating time but can it get u like that , anyway left feeling drowsy fromn the painkillers and knackered from being up all night with the kids last night and then dragging them to the docs this morning ,
as for support , feels wierd asking for it nowadays because its gone on for so long , dunno what im doing , planning to leave when the kids are better , just feel like staying in a bedsit or a caravan on my own for a few months , im always planning it or suicide or abit of both , just finding it incredibly hard not knowing how to cope and not knowing what to do when im in crisis , have a number for a no panic helpling , havent used it yet , dunno mon , im so convinced i have a serious illness and like you say its so real but what can i do , i cant keep hounding the docs so it feels like i have to gie in to it and let it kill me but in the back of my mind there is a thought that they could cure me if they found it , i tell em that but i get that look every time and to be honest im sick of it , also its like leaving the kids would be bad wouldnt it but i cant cope so what do i do , you know its like its not that i can cope but struggling , its that i really cant cope , just a mess , i cant believe for one second this will get better , i think maybe a couple of times i nearly got there in my head but i cant now , im moody and horrid and white with dark bags under my eyes and never felt so ill in life or mixed up , cant say i wish i hadnt had the kids but i just wish i could enjoy them
sorry monica , im too extreme i feel right now for this forum , im so close to suicide that i dont want to be the biggest let down ever and leave a legacy of crap behind me , i have to be silent for a while first so im abit forgotten in peoples minds , do u think im threatening myself , i cant work it out , im so against suicide normally but im so against being desperately unhappy too , used to be able to say i was happy under it all but i cant now , its a scary option isnt it but what do people do when they cant find another , dont wanna die but dont wanna live like this either and i shant , something has to give soon , it must do , but thankyou so much for ure words , so vital isnt it at times to listen to others and im listening so hard my ears are hurting
francoise xxx
|
|
clarey
Senior Member
Posts: 327
|
Post by clarey on Mar 21, 2007 21:56:52 GMT
Hi Francoise,
I hope you don't mind me posting in here but I've just noticed this thread and been reading the posts. I felt I had to say that when I was really ill last year I found this forum and I remember reading your threads. At the time I was having lots of tests for my physical problems an mri, lumbar punctures etc and I read your posts that you had had a very similar experience with Leon. It gave me so much hope that I wasn't dying and it was one of my first steps towards realising that all my illnesses may be PNI. I was too ill to even post in the forum but it got me through until I was at a point that I could. I also remember Monica's threads helped me enormously as she too suffered so physically.
I'm so sorry that you are feeling so unwell at the moment. I have never suffered so physically as I did last year and like you I could not be convinced I was not seriously ill and dying. I spent every second thinking it was my last and wanting a way out. I just wanted you to know that you helped me at a really really dark time in my life without knowing it. When I read your posts about the dizziness and things it was like someone gave me a lifeline as no doctors could explain what was hapening to me.
I know you say you are too extreme to post in the forum...I can relate to this as I felt this way last year. I suppose I just wanted to say I truly feel for you at the moment and to hang on in there. It will get better... I never believed this myself but I am here now and in part it is thanks to you and others on this forum.
I am thinking of you..please let us know how you are. Love Clareyxx
|
|
|
Post by francoise on Mar 23, 2007 17:34:28 GMT
hi clarey
i read this post about foru or five times but couldnt reply as it moved me so much , u gave me a boost of which im truly humbled by , in the beginning of my posting i was desperate for others to relate to me and they did and i thanked god for that , it was so physical like this time is its hard to think rationally when ure in pain , i think sometimes a different pain would be easier but when i get it i prefer the old pain , what i would give to be like i was after leon instead of this , being older aswell plays on my mind as i think im asking for trouble and i started smoking again to plus more kids more stress of course and fatter than ever before , just a nightmare , but thank you , sorry if im typoing everytime but i do when i feel shitty at times as i type to fast and try and get the words out too quick as i have loads to say on this stuff all the time , have to censor it in my head first though as it can be extreme im sure
but yeah babe the physical stuff is hard as i know the mental stuff is but god isnt it so bad considering it doesnt show up in the tests they do , i dont understand it , it has been explained to me a million times but i still dont get it ,
thinking of you babe and thankyou again for taking the time to post to me , much appreciated
francoise xxx
|
|
|
Post by chica on Mar 24, 2007 14:41:54 GMT
Hi Sweetheart, So sorry I have been off the face of the earth for a while, I am so sorry that you are feeling so ill, but please believe it does get better, as Clarey pointed out your posts of when you had Leon helped me out so much too, so hopefully it is my turn to help you. You have been so strong throughout all of this, you can do it again, finding the strength to fight this is the hardest thing of all, I so remember just wanting to sit down and give up, even why should I bother to fight this as it wont make any difference!! But as you know it does, hold on in there, the physical and emotional pain will ease, I promise you. Here for you and sending you big virtual hugs. Chica
|
|
clarey
Senior Member
Posts: 327
|
Post by clarey on Mar 25, 2007 19:26:16 GMT
Hello Francoise,
You have been in my thoughts and I hope these past few days have been easier. You don't think rationally when you are in pain..and I totally relate to your desire for a different kind of pain. When I was feeling dizzy and sick I used to wish it would be a different sort of suffering like a pain in my leg or just anything. I convinced myself this kind of pain I could handle. Just as you have put, when a different suffering came along it felt just as overwhelming.
Are you taking any meds at all now?
Thinking of you, Clareyxx
|
|
|
Post by monica on Mar 26, 2007 5:51:46 GMT
Hi
haven't been on for a few days as have been v busy. Oh Fran, wish I could make it all go away for you so that you feel great. You sound as if you've got your hands full with the chicken pox. I hope the kids are better.
When you've got one kid to look after it 's hard, but more and when they're sick and yo've got to do it all alone, and also you feel like rubbish, it must be really difficult. You finish one thing and there are 10 other things that need doing. You will get there, Fran. Life will get easier as the kids grow older. I'm much better, but still have low days although they don't tend you be as low as they used to be. Also when I'm knackered and it's lasting a few days, the old symptoms seem to reappear. Last week I had the pressure round the eye sensation; could almost feel it bulging. But it seems to have gone. How's the past few days been
Love
monica
|
|
|
Post by francoise on Mar 26, 2007 12:26:49 GMT
hi girls
thanks so much , well yeah its busy but i got no energy so im just getting thru this sickness with them by the skin of my teeth , ,
im just sick of it all now to be honest , so fed up , i feel shit and been docs again and nothing , keep thinking i might just aswell pick a date now and think of it as the end of this whole crap thing going on , i cant cope and i really cant , sorry just cant hide this atall
francoise xxx
|
|
|
Post by monica on Mar 27, 2007 16:06:48 GMT
Hi
Don't feel you have to hide your emotions - if things are shit, tellus they're shit. You sound completely knackered, never mind all theother stuff you're going through. Would a break to catch up on sleep help to take the edge off things? Do you have anyone to give you a hand? Maybe your health visitor could suggest something? A childminder/nursery placement even for a few hours a week for you to get some 'me' time.
How have things been today? It will get better, Fran. Try hold onto that thought, sweethear. Here for you
Monica
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Mar 27, 2007 20:42:19 GMT
Hi Fran
Just wanted to see how you were doing today? Thinking of you
Winegirl x
|
|
|
Post by francoise on Mar 28, 2007 16:10:29 GMT
thankyou
well guess what been docs again today , got a student though so that was a waste of time , did hear that i got dla today though , not sure how much yet as have to wait for the letter , started my period today , a week early though , isnt that strange eh , never happened before , must be a reason though eh , bound to be a bad one though seeing as its me thinking about it eh
trying so hard right now but in lots of pain physicaly joints are throbbing and mentally well what can i say , i wish i could be funny on here like i used to be but i think it was more than six months after leon that i was able , liked a laugh then , hey saw a girl , well a woman i hadnt seen for about twelve years since we were both about 28 ish , she recognised me straight away which was really nice dont u think , i thought well i cant be looking that gross then , she was so lovely ., i gave her a hug coz shes lovely , always was though she was mates with my ex n thats why we lost touch bless her though
anyway thanks girls this is really helping , i got a break today as leon went into nursery and mum came down for abit so twas good really , one of my better days actually now im thinking about it , must try and be happy this evening and see what tomorrow brings eh ,
francoise xxxxx
|
|