Don't know what to do...

[anon76]

Hi,

I'm new to this site, but I'm hoping some reassurance can be found.

My wife has lost 2 babies in the past; 1 at 19 weeks, the other at 37. Both were incredibly hard to come to terms with, but somehow we have pushed through it.

Last week, we finally managed a live birth. Our new son is beautiful, well behaved, and I absolutely adore him!

However, my wife cannot relate to him at all, has numb feelings for him, and is wishing she had never had him. She is relentless in stating how she wants to do things with just the two of us; without our son. No matter how hard I try to explain that we can, (babysitters, her Mum, etc), she is just inconsolable. She also has a tendency to go completely off the rails, wailing uncontrollably.

It's mainly because she never took into consideration the consequences (however good) of having a baby, as we have never before got to this point and the only experience we have had is of loss. I can only begin to imagine what it must have been like for her.

She is staying at her Mum's tonight, while I'm here, alone, looking after our boy.

I'm SO worried about what to do, as I've only a week of paternity leave left and want whats best for both my wife and son. I am also extremely tired out, having to look after two people, that I am starting to feel quite resentful about the crusade to have a successful birth. Why did we bother if this was to be the outcome?

Gutted doesn't even begin to describe how I feel, I just feel so much pain for both of them. I'm so worried that our boy will never know a mum's love; I'll try my best to fill in, but I'd rather my wife was able to put aside this sadness concerning the *loss* of her old life, e.g. Her and myself. It seems completely barmy to me, and completely lacking in any form of perspective. Just baffles the hell out of me.

Any advice would be SO appreciated.

Thanks.

[sarajay28]

Hi Anon,

Am so sorry for your losses but congratulations on the birth of your son. Have you spoken to anyone about your wife's feelings/behaviour? I would advise that you do if you haven't already.

Could you maybe get some more time off work? speak to your bosses/personnel? I know parents are entitled to unpaid leave for 'unforseen circumstances' so i'd have a word.

I'm not sure what other advice to offer you apart from make sure you get all the support you need from family/gp/health visitors etc because you need support as well as your wife. And please keep talking to us here so we can support you and your wife.

Hope this helps a little

Sarah

[monica]

Hello

Huge congratulations onthebirthof your son. Having lost a baby at 19 weeks then having another Iknowthat the joy of the birth is also entwined with deep sadness at the babies that never made it.

You need to speak to midwife, hv, gp a to get support adn help for your wife. Having lost two babies must be incredibly difficutl and may well play a part in how she is at the minute.

Also thik of yourself - your dr may well beable to sign you off due to circukstances.

Got to go but please do come on for support as theladies here are amazing .

Love

Monica

[winegirl]

Hi Anon

I am sorry for your losses - but send congratulations on the birth of your son!

Your wife may not like you doing this but you need to talk to her GP, HV and anyone else who springs to mind so that they can get her help straight away. The quicker this is dealt with the quicker she will recover.

And yes, ask your GP to sign you off for a bit longer too.. you need to be looked after as well! Is there anyone else around your wife who can help support her also?

Do come back and talk anytime x

Take Care

WG xx

[anon76]

Hi guys,

Thanks for your kind words!

Things have taken a turn for the worse.

My wife suffers from OCD (unwanted thoughts) and opened up to one of our midwives about the thoughts she gets. Added to the PND, you can imagine that these have caused her distress.

The thing with OCD is that the thoughts may be there, but there are not acted upon. Hence, unwanted!

However, now Social Services have decided to take it all out of context and are now trying to section my wife, if she doesn't take up the help they offer her (which might as well be being sectioned). She would NEVER want to harm our child (she has said time and time again how upsetting the thougths are for her), but they are panicking and even sent someone round our house today. Thankfully we were at her Mum's house at the time.

Her Parents have been adoptive parent three times over, and they have been vetted and trained by Social Services! I've been doing a sterling job of looking after him on my own, so between us can distribute the care.

My wife just needs time to adjust to the massive change that has befallen her. She has never been confident around babies, so finds it difficult to hold them without worrying about dropping them, for example. She just needs practice to give her the confidence to be a great Mum (which I know she will be, as her instincts are incredible). I'm just so ANGRY at them for not talking to us BEFORE coming to some half-arsed decision.

She also needs the help she should have had 3 years ago when we lost our first baby. It's amazing how quickly things move up a gear when a live baby is involved.

I love my wife and son to death and the thought of Social Services splitting us up tears me to shreds.

I know all this is probably well outside your area of expertise, but it's got to go somewhere...

Thanks.

[winegirl]

Hi anon

Social Services will not want to split you guys up, but in sectioning her getting her the treatment she needs to get better.

Many of teh ladies here have spent time in hospital with PNI and PP and come out to carry on with their new family lives.

I know it must be really awful for you, but SS will not just split you all up. They will do what they can to help you get your wife better.

Yes, your wife will be a great Mum, and it is a great start that she has been honest about her OCD thoughts as that means she will get there quicker. Has there been talk of CBT, meds etc??

A couple of the ladies on here work for SS and I am sure they will drop by with their input.

Thinking of you, and do keep talking if it helps x


Take Care

WG xx

[HintOfSunshine]

Hi Anon,
I just wanted to say, well done for being strong and being a rock for your wife and little one! That's exactly what she needs right now in this very scary time.

I too had to spend time in hospital after the birth and it really was the best place for me. Yes, it feels VERY intrusive and it's hard to trust strangers but they do know what they're doing and want the best for your family. So work with them and in time, you WILL get there.

The bonding with the baby definitealy does happen, it took quite some time with me but now we are just so very close - you wouldn't believe there was a time when I couldn't even touch him.

My husband is my hero for just being there and being caring and very patient. I couldn't tell him that at the time when I was ill, but now it's all over I tell him often.

All the best,
Ax

[cheshire]

Dear Anon,

I have been following your posts and sorry I've not had chance to reply before now.

We have been through this nightmare too - I just want to reassure you that no matter how dark things seem right now, you will all get through this. It was reading that on here 4 years ago that gave me hope (hence the username).

I am no expert, but having once discussed the SS issue with my psychiatrist - what I do know is that generally they make every effort to keep mum and baby together and if this is not possible, they may look to immediate family to help.

In terms of being admitted to hospital - as Winegirl and Andrea have said - this is what she may need to get well. And yes, many women on here have been in hospital and made a full recovery.

The thoughts of dropping baby etc. I had too. This was my second child I had PNI with and the unwanted thoughts. I was always confident handling my first child and am very experienced working with children in general. In fact at the first check up with my second child my GP commented on how confidently I handled him.....but my brain was sending me very different messages!But you're right - no matter how intrusive the thought is, she won't follow up on it. As you've probably seen from reading around here - the dreaded thoughts are common with this illnesss - she is certainly not alone.

I think also in terms of her loss - having a baby can really bring isues to the fore. I was told I was probably suffering PTSD in the early stages of PNI (my own issues).

Anyway, must dash off now - hope this makes some sense.

We're here any time you need to offload. Kepp us updated.

Hopefulxx

[anon76]

Hi,

Just an update!

Managed to get SS to realise that we had a great support network, that my wife would be better off getting perinatal treatment from home (which is a massive plus), and that between my mother-in-law and myself, our son will be getting great care.

SUCH A RELIEF!

Thanks, for all your advice. I am feeling a bit more positive in that she'll be getting the right kind of help. Even stranger, there is talk of ME getting support! (I was always under the impression that as far as marriage goes, legally I'm little more than a sperm donor in the grand scheme of things...)

)

Take care, and thanks.

[winegirl]

Hi Anon76

Thats great x And yes, brilliant that you are being offered support too! One thing my husband has always said about when i was ill was that he felt sort of forgotten about. Noone was bothered with how he was and it was all such a massive strain on him.

Do keep in touch and let us know how you guys are doing. Always here and listening x

Take Care

WG xx

[cheshire]

Great news x

[sarajay28]

Hi Anon,

Thats great news, and well done for being so strong and coping with this, many men would have run a mile by now!

As for being a 'sperm donor' - (this made me laugh) this is such a misconception isn't it?? I know my partner felt the same but when it came to me getting treatment he was seen as being just as important, our HV was fantastic with him as was my family and his own, always making sure he was ok/coping etc etc so am glad you are getting the support and help you need through this difficult time.

Let us know how things are progressing and please do come on and rant/rave or just for a chat anytime you feel the need.

Sarah.x

[winegirl]

Hi Anon,

Just wondering how things have been for you guys recently? Do come back and talk if you need us, hope you are all doing ok xx

Take Care

WG x

[anon76]

Hi guys,

Thanks for all your kind words. I thought an update was in order.

Things didn't stay great for long.

My wife is still very fragile mentally, 8 months on. Things broke down with the Mental Health Team, Child Services came back into the fray, as a result a Residence Order was made for my son to stay with my wife's parents.

I have open-access to him, although this is often constrained by my wife's mental state (she thinks that I'm going to leave her for him and gets absolutely frantic - she's hit me sometimes too).

I'm not sure how long I can do this for. I'm still trying to get help for her, but to be honest I need more support myself, which hasn't really happened since the initial furore.

Wish me luck, and keep up the good work.

[winegirl]

I am so sorry to hear this..

Yes you do need support, and I think sadly the only way you are going to get it is to ask for it. Can you speak with your wife's HV or with your own GP about the options available to you??

Your wife sounds like she is in a really awful place right now, and it is obviously taking its toll on you, especially with the access to your baby. This will get better hun, hang in there. And know that we are here if you need us x

Take Care

WG xx