how do partners do it!

[daveyboy]

hi
found this website trying to look for someone to rant at and theres not a lot out there! I have read other dads and partners having put up with PND for years but i cant see me surviving that long without going mad! Basically i met my partner 4 years ago through work had a wonderful couple of years before my son was born january last year which was the best day of my life, i would swap him for anything. In july of that year she was diagnosed with PND which i have to admit i didnt realise how bad she had got. In the time since she was diagnosed there was a lot of issues from both of us regarding trust which we have both dealt with and got over, i thought we would never be happy again until the start of this year was better. Christmas had been good and we even had an intimate weekend which hadnt happened in since before my son was born, things have been better as i said until recently she seems to have gotten a bit funny in her atitude to alot of things, she snaps at me again, she doesnt seem to wanna do anything with our son its awful. How do i tell if she has stopped taking her medication? What are the best ways to show how much they mean to me with out saying i love them as i havent heard those words for a long time and thats worse than not having any kisses and cuddles. There must be a way for me to help her i just dont know how? sorry rant over

[gizmoracer]

Welcome to the site. Just a quick note as I'm off on the school run in a minute. I honestly don't know how my husband put up with it either but I guess most people just muddle through. This is a great place to rant so feel free to off load whenever you need to. In the meantime I have recently read a book which you may find helpful it's called 'My journey into her world, How I coped with my wife's postnatal depression' and its by Michael Laurie. There are not many books out there dedicated to helping the partners but this one seemed really good.

[Weeble]

Hi Daveyboy

I will respond to you more later having chatted to my OH about his experience with me. Ranting is fine, i think a lot of us do that a lot. You men are amazing the way you support us through this and you sound a great husband who really cares for his partner.

Kat

[caterina]

Hi Daveyboy
Welcome to the site, it's great you've taken the time and energy to look into this and are trying to support your partner.
PNI is a strange illness, we quite often refer here to 'the mask' where we can be acting quite normally around others but then when we get home it comes of and Hubby/OH bears the brunt of it.
I have had PNI twice and I'll be honest the first time did nearly finish our relationship, fortunately I got help, got better and we're stronger than ever now - 4 years on and 2 kids later so it can be done.
If you suspect she's off her meds then you can only ask her, and I know you're probably scared to do so as she may react badly but it's for her own good (sorry don't mean to sound preachy there) it's just that I found I was floundering a bit by then time I got help and i needed my husband to just tell me, 'right I'm going to speak to the HV, you're going to the doctor and we'e getting this sorted' he was very sneaky about it by waiting till an immunisation clinic where he just grabbed the midwfe and told her exactly way was going on - 10 mins after I'd been all smiley and 'yes all's fine' I was a bawling mess in her arms. But the key to the meds is perseverance and if she's gone off them without medical supervision she could have just slipped back down again, sounds like something has happened especially since she's distancing herself from your son too. Could you get her to a GP appointment if you went with her do you think?
As for her being snappy, it's NOT YOU, it's because she feels safe with you and feels she can be herself around you, and at the moment if she's feeling awful, she doesn't want to be that person, but probably, like me, is floundering a bit and doesn't know how to get out of the cycle - it's ahorrible illness, one which we don't want to admit we have, denial is a biggie but she can and will get better with the proper support - both from you and the medical profession.
Come on here to rant any time, that's what we're here for and if your OH would take a look round the site she might just see something she identifies with which could be enough to trigger a reponse, let us know how you get on x

[winegirl]

Hi Daveyboy

Welcome to the site x

I think there is nothing that I can add to what the ladies have already said to you. But I do identify with your OH's behaviour as I was exactly the same with my husband. No kisses/cuddles, snapping etc.. And it does get better.Recovery can take some time, so she may well be taking her meds, but just be on a slow journey to 100% wellness.

I do hope you feel you can come and talk here anytime? We are always listening.

WG x

[daveyboy]

i understand its a patience thing and its so hard when its not like you can put a timeline on it, there doesnt appear to be anything i can do to help. I work 2 jobs now to try and see if we have extra money we can relax regarding those issues and enjoy life a bit more but i just seem to work myself into the ground and get little thanks back. I love my OH to bits always will and i want my son to have a loving family but sometimes you sit there and wonder why am i doing this. I had to work hard to get over any trust issues i had (there was a period of time where i believed she was having an affair and sometimes i still do, but apart from making me a mess it didnt help us) that took time. I felt like we were getting somewhere this year, good christmas and this year started off really good, she was talking and we were having fun again but it justs dissapears so quickly. I feel like i wanna ask her if i am what she wants, but am so afraid that she will say no and then what do i do! I keep trying everyday to be positive, give her everything i can give her but it just gets to you after a while and today is one of those days where i cant be bothered to do anything! annoying thing is i finish work at 5 and will be at my next job at 6! gonna be a long night. At least i have day off friday and we are both going out for the evening so hopefully things will be okay. rant over !!!

[Weeble]

Hi Davey boy

sorry it took me time to respond but I thought a lot about how my OH and I made it through this. Firstly, you asked about physical closeness. I really struggled with being physically close to my OH at times and this upset him a lot. We managed to discuss it and he opened up to me and explained how he felt, that in his case he felt rejected and ignored and this made him very sad. Once I understood that I was effecting him, I managed to explain to him that I often did not want to be touched so the way he asked if I wanted a cuddle etc he was going to get a negative answer. What we agreed was he would say to my I need a cuddle because I am feeling in need of one, and he would accept that sometimes I would have to say no. This really improved the situation.

Sort of built on this is we are really working hard and talking to each other about how my PNI impacts him. We dont do it at the time of the event i.e when I am down etc, but talk about it a few days later when things are easier. again this has really improved communication and helped us.

you are doing really well and its is great to here from you. Well done and hold you head high

kat

[daveyboy]

I will try that, and yes after a period of time you get used to be rejected although sometimes it does feel like its more than rejection and i understand that maybe i need to start talking more about how it makes me feel but then i dont want to come across like its all about me as it isnt, just a little bit of affection whether its a smile a cuddle or what ever is alot better than nothing! thanks

[Weeble]

Hi Daveyboy

Your emotions and feelings are equally valid and being rejected or feeling like you are being rejected must be really hard, I know it is for my husband. Dont expect immediate change but as you say a little bit changes things. Two tips from my experience of being at the other end. Is bring it up when she is not having a bad time or day, maybe when you are relaxed etc. Secondly, phrase it careful talk about how you feel and be really clear that it is not her fault but your emotions and feelings are important to you. One of the thinks i have learned is my recovery has required me to built a different relationship with my husband the two things need to be done together. I will be really interested to here how things go, and keep talking about this.

Kat

[winegirl]

Hi daveyboy,

I ahve to say that for me I did eventually shun ALL affection from my husband because I felt like a kiss/cuddle/hold of hand would automatically lead to sex. I would purposely avoid him in all sense of affection in fear that he would just pounce on me!

But having told him about this, he assured me that he was not going to do this and a kiss etc could be just that.. nothing more. This was great as it reintroduced intamicy which then later restarted the more physical side of things!

It is soooo hard being the partner. Its like all the focus is on what the mum is going through but rarely the dad. You do have my upmost sympathy for that - i wish professionals could do something to help partners too more than they do.

Anyway, I hope your evening out on Friday is good and perhaps be the start of opening things up again for you guys.

Take Care

WG xx

[dave]

well i spoke to my OH after work last night about how she was feeling if she her feelings for me had changed and she said no, she didn't know what she wanted. When we got together we were both in a relationship hers was a marriage of 17 years which the last 5 were living a lie as such. She feels like she cant forgive herself for the pain she caused and thats the first time she really opened up about it. She admitted to forgetting to take the tablets one day and hasn't taken them since and she admits they did help. She says she wont talk to anyone and i dint know if she will go to the doctor to get more but i hope so. She said she has always been in relationships and that maybe being single would help although i didn't say it at the time i am not sure how that will as everything that is going on day to day will become a struggle. She knows how she treats me and says she hates it and i don't deserve having to put up with it but i told her i will if it means in the long term we are okay again but she doesn't know when that will be and doesn't appear to see any light at the end of the tunnel which is so frustrating as i don't know how to help. i hate this its so heartbreaking to watch knowing that i could be gone tomorrow and that i cant help her get better for her and her children, i seem to be resigning myself to losing her but still want her to happy with or without me just i would prefer with me!

[caterina]

Hiya
Good you managed to speak about things, it's a good start. Now you know she's off her meds, does she plan to go back on them? Especially if she felt they were helping. She doesn't want to feel crap any more than you do, she is probably just struggling with what to do. I can only go by my own experience but it took a good while of me being medicated and opening up litle by little to hubby to make him understand, it's not him, it's the illness that made me act that way.
Even 4 years on I can still have bad days, but that's all they are, just the odd day which I can just say 'not feeling so good today' and he knows what I mean. I really hope your OH will get some help, GP, HV, someone as she doesn't have to suffer, this is totally treatable x

[dave]

i am grateful for your comments after all you are the only ones really who know what she might be going through and by reading you replies have been able to work through it and still be happy together which ultimately is what i want. I dont know whether she will go back to taking the meds that something that she will have to decide i was honest in out conversation not making, i told her i understood to a certain extent why she was the way she has been towards me and for her not to think i would be better off without her, i am willing to put up with it as i know its not the real her, i was honest with her about the meds its up to her to decide whether she wants to go back onto them or not however i did ask her if she felt they helped and she said yes so hopefully she will decide herself to start taking them again. I know when i was having a hard time and became depressed myself , as i didnt have people or a website to talk to that the only way for me to sort myself out believe it or not was to write a diary which i have to say works to a certain extent but it was very helpful if you have no one to talk to or like my OH doesnt wanna talk to someone about it, i am hoping that she will try it and see if it helps?! I am not a quitter and intend to do all i can to try and help her and if there are similar people in my situation i do recommend the diary although like i said it helped me for a while but the rest of it is down to the mum to help herself (just a shame i cant magically make her better)
thanks

[monica]

Hello

You are such a wonderful partner! This illness sucks for everyone concerned and as WG said often the men are forgotten about.

Well done on talking to your partner about all of this. Opening lines of communication is a very important step and it sounds as if your wife has been honest wth you.

do try and encourage your wife to get help. I distinctly remember feelign that I would never recover from pni but with help it is quicker. Recovery can feel like a long, drawn out process wtih ups and down but she will get there.

You mentioend that she stopped taking the meds. Do you know how long she'd been on them before. Stopping meds too early or with sudden withdrawal can bring back pni so perhaps this might account for her drop in mood?

Monica

[dave]

well the chat helped me just as much as her, she has been fine ever since, now i havent asked if she has taken tablets again or spoken to doctor, i have just left it since our last conversation as i dont want to hassle her over it. She started taking the meds about July last year and i think she stopped taking them about end of march, april!
i do appreciate the comments
thanks