Post by Veritee on Oct 29, 2005 14:54:38 GMT
Hi again Raphael,
I am glad this forum has been of use to you and please keep using it is it helps.
I too find writing it down really helped me and I guess this si what this forum is based upon.
I also do very much know that when women have PNI/D their partners husbands even friends and relatives suffer very much too , which is why I encourage partners and others in the family to seek help and support.
The things you outline are very common and many suffer similarly i.e. the lack of sexual interest or actual sex from either partner’s side....
This is biggy as well as getting your sexual needs met easily ( which I have to say is as important to me as my husband , I cant speak for others though) sex means so much more than just the act
- it is reassurance, conformation of worth and being/feeling loved and cared for , intimacy, cuddles just physical closeness with another person - just so much is missing when sex does not happen unless you make a real effort to keep some of these things even though sex is out of the question it can really rock a marriage.
The thing with breast feeding happened to us too - I did all my daughters care in the first year and also became obsessive about not letting my husband or anyone do any of my babies care. I also was obsessive about her feeding and clenlyness ( this happens to many new mums without PNI and without obssessive 'traits')
But this does balance out for most for us once my daughter started to grow up she loved being with her daddy and this more than made up for it for him.
And my husband too just did not always get it when I needed help and sometimes saw it as rejection when I was merely struggling – then he felt rejected and I did too - it is very difficult for those around us ..
In fact I am always saying that this illness can never be seen as the woman who is suffering’s problem or concern only.
Women actually got it but we team up together as a partners hip and soem of the purpose pf this partnership or at least what we do together is to have children and if we have a partner/husband we do this as a team - so PNI is always a shared illness and treatment should ( although it does not always at all ) take into consideration the rest of the families need and the family as a whole and even offer other family members therapy etc - however this so rarely happens.
I was in no way blaming you for what has happened, on the contrary I feel that you have been quite aware and tried to take action in seeking support for yourself and support your wife and child also ...
I am not blaming anyone – these things do happen in a relationship even one of many years
but I also do not think that PNI can be fully blamed for yours or any marriage break up on its own.
As another women who uses the forum said to me the other day - marriages do break up or have difficulties , with or without PNI!
I was also concerned about the feeling that you are being 'messed' around in that your wife sometimes says she wants to be with you and still loves you but at the same time stays living away form you..
And it would not be 'healthy' for you to keep hanging on for the day that she comes back when this could be a long time in the future - if ever.
This could lead to your becoming even more depressed .
I agree that 12 years is an awful lot of time to 'throw away' although I would not quite see it like that if you did split as surely you have had soem fun time together in this t8iem that no one and nothing can take away?
But obviously you will want to try to resolve your difficulties and I hope very much that you do.
We did not split but had difficulties and some sound very much like some of yours - but we are fine now and have been for years .
I just felt that it would be better for you to get on with your life in the meantime and I have to ask actually what would be wrong with 'dating' your wife at this point and getting to know each other again as 2 separate people???
I realy did nto get your point as to how dating her would mean saying that PNI was to blame for your split up? It seesm to me that beign that ill and the hospital mayhave been the catalyst – not least because she was able to be on her own for the first time in years to start to think about what she wanted – but why would PNI have been why you split up, did she say this ? And why would dating confirm this
Dating again may be a very good way forward if she is still willing.
Perhaps her wanting to smoke again is about her needing that freedom to work out what she wants and who she wants to be for herself
and yes I agree that smoking is bad for anyone , I don’t smoke but I used to 1 few years ago you can not stop someone from doing something , they have to do it themselves. My husband smokes still I would love him to stop - but he has tried for me and it will never work unless he does it for himself.
On that note I was wondering why - if you feel that things would be more balanced between you and your wife and their would be less in the way of your rescuing your marriage if your wife was not as readily influenced by your In-Laws -
why you are so against your moving out of your house and her moving back in with your child?
This would mean she was away from her parents who you feel have so much influence on her in a negative way .
At the moment you say she is reliant on her parents again , but this may just be that she really has no other choice at present other than to move back in with you !
which currently, even if she may come round to this, she is obviously not ready to commit herself to this and if and when she does it would only work if this was because she wanted to be with you as a family and not because she had no where to go other than her parents!!
I mean that she is currently unwell with a small child to care for and obviously can not work. So she does not have the option to rent somewhere else.
I would have thought the most obvious solution so she can live away from her parents and see what she wants for herself is for you to rent something as you are working - so while it will be a financial strain you could do this ...
when it is not possible for her at all..
And her to move back into the family home?
If it is the financial concerns that worry you, if you did eventually split I am sure that legally your would both be entitled to half the house ( value) and this would be the case if you split even if you stayed in the house - so what have you got to lose ?
and I would have thought that in terms of getting her away from your In-Laws who you obviously do not trust not to influence her against you - you might have a lot to gain?
Well that’s all I can think of at the moment .
I realise you are currently between the devil and the deep blue sea, but all is not yet lost .
People do sometimes separate for some time and still get back together . I have some friends who separated for 2 years, and then got back together bought a new house and have been together ever since quite happily.
it actually did them both a lot of good as the man was too controlling of her ad did not let her have her own interests etc and she did not know who she was anymore – they now have a much better and equal relationship having learnt who they each were and gradually re- built their relationship. But they did get on with their lives - not just put everything on hold and wait for either the split or the reconciliation - they dated too..
I am not drawing any parallels as each relationship is unique
Just wanted to say long separations do not always mean the end for a marriage
All the best
Veritee
I am glad this forum has been of use to you and please keep using it is it helps.
I too find writing it down really helped me and I guess this si what this forum is based upon.
I also do very much know that when women have PNI/D their partners husbands even friends and relatives suffer very much too , which is why I encourage partners and others in the family to seek help and support.
The things you outline are very common and many suffer similarly i.e. the lack of sexual interest or actual sex from either partner’s side....
This is biggy as well as getting your sexual needs met easily ( which I have to say is as important to me as my husband , I cant speak for others though) sex means so much more than just the act
- it is reassurance, conformation of worth and being/feeling loved and cared for , intimacy, cuddles just physical closeness with another person - just so much is missing when sex does not happen unless you make a real effort to keep some of these things even though sex is out of the question it can really rock a marriage.
The thing with breast feeding happened to us too - I did all my daughters care in the first year and also became obsessive about not letting my husband or anyone do any of my babies care. I also was obsessive about her feeding and clenlyness ( this happens to many new mums without PNI and without obssessive 'traits')
But this does balance out for most for us once my daughter started to grow up she loved being with her daddy and this more than made up for it for him.
And my husband too just did not always get it when I needed help and sometimes saw it as rejection when I was merely struggling – then he felt rejected and I did too - it is very difficult for those around us ..
In fact I am always saying that this illness can never be seen as the woman who is suffering’s problem or concern only.
Women actually got it but we team up together as a partners hip and soem of the purpose pf this partnership or at least what we do together is to have children and if we have a partner/husband we do this as a team - so PNI is always a shared illness and treatment should ( although it does not always at all ) take into consideration the rest of the families need and the family as a whole and even offer other family members therapy etc - however this so rarely happens.
I was in no way blaming you for what has happened, on the contrary I feel that you have been quite aware and tried to take action in seeking support for yourself and support your wife and child also ...
I am not blaming anyone – these things do happen in a relationship even one of many years
but I also do not think that PNI can be fully blamed for yours or any marriage break up on its own.
As another women who uses the forum said to me the other day - marriages do break up or have difficulties , with or without PNI!
I was also concerned about the feeling that you are being 'messed' around in that your wife sometimes says she wants to be with you and still loves you but at the same time stays living away form you..
And it would not be 'healthy' for you to keep hanging on for the day that she comes back when this could be a long time in the future - if ever.
This could lead to your becoming even more depressed .
I agree that 12 years is an awful lot of time to 'throw away' although I would not quite see it like that if you did split as surely you have had soem fun time together in this t8iem that no one and nothing can take away?
But obviously you will want to try to resolve your difficulties and I hope very much that you do.
We did not split but had difficulties and some sound very much like some of yours - but we are fine now and have been for years .
I just felt that it would be better for you to get on with your life in the meantime and I have to ask actually what would be wrong with 'dating' your wife at this point and getting to know each other again as 2 separate people???
I realy did nto get your point as to how dating her would mean saying that PNI was to blame for your split up? It seesm to me that beign that ill and the hospital mayhave been the catalyst – not least because she was able to be on her own for the first time in years to start to think about what she wanted – but why would PNI have been why you split up, did she say this ? And why would dating confirm this
Dating again may be a very good way forward if she is still willing.
Perhaps her wanting to smoke again is about her needing that freedom to work out what she wants and who she wants to be for herself
and yes I agree that smoking is bad for anyone , I don’t smoke but I used to 1 few years ago you can not stop someone from doing something , they have to do it themselves. My husband smokes still I would love him to stop - but he has tried for me and it will never work unless he does it for himself.
On that note I was wondering why - if you feel that things would be more balanced between you and your wife and their would be less in the way of your rescuing your marriage if your wife was not as readily influenced by your In-Laws -
why you are so against your moving out of your house and her moving back in with your child?
This would mean she was away from her parents who you feel have so much influence on her in a negative way .
At the moment you say she is reliant on her parents again , but this may just be that she really has no other choice at present other than to move back in with you !
which currently, even if she may come round to this, she is obviously not ready to commit herself to this and if and when she does it would only work if this was because she wanted to be with you as a family and not because she had no where to go other than her parents!!
I mean that she is currently unwell with a small child to care for and obviously can not work. So she does not have the option to rent somewhere else.
I would have thought the most obvious solution so she can live away from her parents and see what she wants for herself is for you to rent something as you are working - so while it will be a financial strain you could do this ...
when it is not possible for her at all..
And her to move back into the family home?
If it is the financial concerns that worry you, if you did eventually split I am sure that legally your would both be entitled to half the house ( value) and this would be the case if you split even if you stayed in the house - so what have you got to lose ?
and I would have thought that in terms of getting her away from your In-Laws who you obviously do not trust not to influence her against you - you might have a lot to gain?
Well that’s all I can think of at the moment .
I realise you are currently between the devil and the deep blue sea, but all is not yet lost .
People do sometimes separate for some time and still get back together . I have some friends who separated for 2 years, and then got back together bought a new house and have been together ever since quite happily.
it actually did them both a lot of good as the man was too controlling of her ad did not let her have her own interests etc and she did not know who she was anymore – they now have a much better and equal relationship having learnt who they each were and gradually re- built their relationship. But they did get on with their lives - not just put everything on hold and wait for either the split or the reconciliation - they dated too..
I am not drawing any parallels as each relationship is unique
Just wanted to say long separations do not always mean the end for a marriage
All the best
Veritee