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Post by Matt on Jan 30, 2004 11:25:58 GMT
My wife has just been diagnosed with PND (even though out second child is 2 and a half years old).
I know nothing on the topic, but it is tearing me apart seeing her this way. She blames me for it all and I am trying hard to help more than I have previously.
She seems to hate me and everything I do, to an extent that I feel myself slipping into depression. Can anyone offer advice, I dont know what to do for doing wrong and really want to help. Also is it common to have PND so long after her 2nd child.
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Jinja
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by Jinja on Jan 30, 2004 15:01:32 GMT
Hi there I am so sorry to hear about your wife. You sound like you could do with some real support yourself. Usually PNI is depression which occurs within and up to the first 12 months. That is now hard and fast rule though. Has she been like this for a while or is it only just starting? There is a lot you can do for her. Let her talk. Don't dismiss or belittle her worries and anxieties. Try to set up a support network so she is not left on her own for long periods. Encourage and praise her whenever she makes an effort. Support her as she seeks professional help - accompany her if it will help. Don't try to reason with her - women with PNI often find it hard to reason or think logically. Don't point out jobs not done, or hair not combed. Remember, she is still your wife. She needs constant undemanding affection. Be patient and considerate. What she is experiencing is not about you, it is her illness. She will get better. If you have concerns, see your GP yourself. You need to look after yourself too. It is very supportive and positive that you have chosen to post on this site. If she's up to it, try encouraging your wife to take a look. It might help her to realise she is not alone. Neither are you. Take care Jinja
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Post by Sharon on Jan 30, 2004 22:36:30 GMT
Sorry you and your wife are having such a hard time. When I was ill after my first baby, I got angry so often with my (now ex) partner, often over minor things. Most of the time, I just wanted cuddles and reassurance that I was still worth loving because I felt like I was nothing, and the world would be a better place without me in it. But I guess I was so hostile most of the time that he didn't want to come anywhere near me. I was also jealous of the fact that his life seemed to have barely changed, yet mine was nothing like what it had been. He had left by the time I had our second child, and when I was ill again, I was unable to ask him for help, but made good use of him as a vent for my anger again. Oh dear, I seem to be waffling, sorry. What I'm trying to say is that you are obviously a very supportive man, and all I can recommend is that you carry on showing her how much she means to you, and see your GP to chat about your concerns. Good luck
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Post by Dana on Jan 30, 2004 23:15:38 GMT
Dear Matt,
How awful for you! I'm so sorry you're going through hell.
What Jinja wrote is right. PND strikes within the first 12 months. Have her problems started then and just dragged on? Because if not - it's worth considering different types of crisis which may have occured.
I won't repeat all the good advice you've already received here. But I will just add that if you have the financial means, don't even bother with your GP. I would find a private Psychotherapist through the National Association of Psychotherapists. If she doesn't want to go, go on your own. They can refer you to a Psychiatrist if they think medication is necessary.
Is she on Medication? If so - who pescribed it? Again - GP's can often fix you with the wrong anti-depressant which can make matters worse.
Try and make sure you take care of yourself. And remember, she's not talking sense...She's just so unhappy and she's lashing out at her nearest and dearest. However, taht might be of no comfort to you sometimes... That's why it might be beneficial if you're the one who seeks therapy, because you need support just as much.
Try and contact MAMA through the net. She might appreciate contact with other women who have suffered PND.
Good luck to you both!!!!
Dana
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Post by Matt on Feb 3, 2004 17:43:50 GMT
Thanks for all your advice it has helped.
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Anne
Full member
Posts: 33
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Post by Anne on Feb 4, 2004 1:44:40 GMT
Hi Matt
I just wanted to tell you things from your wifes side of the fence. Like your wife, i have been just hell for my husband to live with - i can see it but can do nothing about it. I have had PND for 20 months. Sounds like it prob started a while ago with your wife she just covered and coped with it.
My husband is now also at breaking point and i only found out because he told someone else. I know i am a completely different person to the woman he had before i was pregnant. But I dont want to be this person any more than he wants her. We don't communicate much apart from about our daughter. Sometimes all I want is to be comforted but I cant bear him to come near me never mind cuddle me. It's not that i dont love him I just cant do it. Your wife will probably be feeling similar. Dont push her but for gods sake keep talking to her. Take time to ask how she is doing, show you are concerned, which you quite clearly are. You absolutely MUST go with her to her GP and see about medication and talk this through with both of you there. My husband has spoken to my GP without me knowing - i only found this out recently - and I urge you to voice your concerns with her health visitor and GP.
I can only tell you that you, like all the women suffering here, are not alone. There must be many partners and husbands out there at the end of their tether because of this horrible illness. But I am assured by all the girls here that it does pass and I have to take a deep breath and believe that - so must you. Take heart from the postive stories. I have.
Anne x
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Post by Wendy on Feb 4, 2004 6:17:31 GMT
Hi Matt
Thanks so much for posting on the site. You sound like a really caring concerned husband. Most of what I want to say has already been said so I won't repeat it. Just one thought for you. The best thing my husband said to me during my horrid Post Natal Depression was "no matter how long this takes or how bad it gets I will be here for you". The best thing my Mum said to me was "things will get better - you will feel better" I needed desperately to know that their was an end to it. One other thought !! I'm sure your wife doesn't hate you and everything you're doing. It's the illness and it's a thief which robs women of their ability to think straight and reason things so well. The best way that I could describe what was happening to me during the worst of it was "it feels like a devils got control of me" Honestly that's how bad it felt.
Anyway enough from me. Hang in there Matt. THINGS WILL GET BETTER. YOU BOTH WILL FEEL BETTER. With good help, support and if necessary (usually is) medication and you'll be well on the way. You're doing a great job.
Wendy
P.S. one more thought !! Men are often like technicians. Ï need to fix it type of personalities. My husband too. Very frustrating and powerless feeling to not be able to fix this. You can't but you can be a tremendous support for your wife and at the same time look after yourself to ensure that you can continue to do this.
No more now!! W
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Dave Wendys husband
Guest
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Post by Dave Wendys husband on Feb 4, 2004 10:13:14 GMT
Hi Matt, I'd just like to say "Hang in there". With the right help and medication, the situation will improve. For us, it was literally overnight. Wendy was so depressed, that there were days when she could barely get out of bed. If it wasn't for her Mum spending nearly every day with her, I don't think we would have managed. Once diagnosed, it was a few days wait for the medication to kick in, and then, as if by magic, I had my wife back !! She's been brilliant for months now, and we are looking forward to the day when the tablets are no longer needed. PND is indeed an evil ailment. It robs a woman of her ability to be a good mother and wife, and prevents her from enjoying motherhood at the very time that these things are at their most important. The good news is, we don't need to suffer it. Good help is available. The sooner you get onto it, the sooner your family will return to normal. Good luck Matt. Keep us informed. Kind regards, Dave
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Post by Matt on Feb 4, 2004 13:08:15 GMT
Thanks Again for the Messages, the recent responses seem to be so close to home it is reassuring, especially the lady who is currently going through the depression at the moment.
My wife on several occassions has said she doesn't want me anywhere near her and it is my fault she is like this. I felt rejected and thought I was the problem and questioned my own ability. Following your feedback, I am starting to believe its not so true.
Any help with these questions would be appreciated
Do you think I should show her this board and let her see what others are going through?
She has not told any of here family, who live quite a distance away, should I tell them or will this make things worse?
She would not let me go to the doctors with her, should I go without her knowing?
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Post by Wendy on Feb 4, 2004 19:57:09 GMT
Hi again Matt
re your question 1. Sure if it feels right show her this forum. She will be able to get her own support in place here too which can only help eh?
Question 2. Suggest caution with this one. Could be that your wife may feel betrayed. Suggest encourage her to hunt down support for herself from whereever it feels safe for her to do so.
Question 3. Suggest caution with this one too. Nothing to stop you phoning up in an anonymous kind of way and getting advice perhaps. My Mum went to my doctor behind my back and I felt very betrayed and embarassed.
So that's my thoughts for the day. Great to see you reaching out and sharing Matt. It's brave, courageous and wonderful that you're doing that.
Hope today brings your family closer to your goal for happiness together.
Wendy
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Post by Wendy on Feb 4, 2004 20:07:01 GMT
One more thing - re my husbands post re overnight transformation of my emotional state. Just wanted to expand on that one from my point of view:
My experience was that the medication took approx. three weeks to help me. If anyones familiar with brain chemicals such as Seratonin, apparently the medication increases these chemicals and bring the brain back to a state of balance or to normal if you like. I was very anti-pill popping prior to all this. But as I said to the doctor yesterday. "If I have to take one tablet a day medium to long term and the only side effect that I have is night sweats, in return for feeling well and having quality of life, then so be it. It's no biggy anymore for me. They have worked very well for me and I am now loving being a Mum and a wife so much.
Wendy
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Post by Raphael on Oct 18, 2005 22:38:29 GMT
My wife has been suffering from post natl depression for 11 moths now and my life is falling apart .she has been hospitalized for the last three weeks and prior to that she went to live with her mum and dad for a couple of months leaving me on my own with little contact with our son who is now 15 moths old. Two days ago i discovered that she has had an affair with a male patient whilst in hospital. She says that it is over and she now just wants to be friends with him, but i don't believe her. She has asked me to move out and wants us to separate because she" thinks" she doesn't love me any more. I am feeling totally numb and devastated that she feels this way as i have supported her throughout her illness always reassuring her that she will get well. I also did most of the house work cooking etc when she was living at home. she was diagnosed with postnatal depression when our son was 5 months old and it coincided with her stopping breast feeding. She had also had a difficult time with her mother who was and always has been an extremely volatile person liable to sudden mood swings. My wife is now on olanzapine 10mg and 20mg of s-citalapram which seems to be stating to work after 10 months of various medications which didn't work. I feel that i can't do anymore for her now . I know i have to be Strong for my son and also hold down my full time job but i don't feel i can take much more. i feel slightly comforted by reading the experiences of other husbands but when will it ever end and how many couples don't survive the process. My wife had longed for a baby for 4 years prior to conceiving and was so happy at the prospect but the reality of having a baby seems to have been too much and it seems to have triggered some deeper emotional problems from her childhood. Some friends who have an insight into this illness have told me to stick with it and still try to be at the very least her friend. She has started smoking and drinking which isn't advised on her medication. She tells me I'm trying to control her if i say anything and that I'm treating her like a child . I just want her to get better. She says she did not have intercourse with this guy in hospital but i don't know if i believe her. please help me if anyone can shed any light on this behavior as i am at my Witt's end!!!
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natalie1985
Senior Member
Mum of Peter ~ Born 15th Dec 2004
Posts: 470
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Post by natalie1985 on Oct 19, 2005 1:28:28 GMT
HI Matt, Very sorry to hear what you are all going through! I know it's tough on you, but even when she'a cranky or angry with you, just stick by her side and keep helping. I know when i was in the midst of my PND i would take all my frustrations out on my fiance, and when he'd walk away from me, it proved to me he didn't want to help or care! Then i would get even more angry. If that makes sense?? She needs to not only know, but feel that you're there to help her no matter what. Always remember that it's an illness, and most days she can't help how she's acting or feeling. Definately show her this forum, and if she wants to talk to us all, she should. We've all been through what she has, and still going through it. I know i found it a HUGE step in my recovery talking on here with others. Its fantastic. Good luck, Natalie
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Post by cheshire on Oct 19, 2005 15:50:37 GMT
Hi Raphael
Welcome to the site.
Are you new to this thread - or are you Matt?
Just trying to clarify -whether the previous posts are you or whether this is your first posting? We'll support you whichever way round it is - it's just so that we know whether to refer back through the thread or not when responding
Hopeful
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Post by Raphael on Oct 19, 2005 18:42:59 GMT
:) hi, this is Raphael, sorry I'm new to this technology and it was very late last night when i finally plucked up courage to start to tell my story. I am hardly sleeping at the moment and i have lost a lot of weight with all the stress and worry. This morning i went for a walk for about an hour and watched the sun rise on the beach whilst sitting on some rocks looking out to sea. i kept trying to think of what i was going to say to my wife when she awoke. I DECIDED I WOULD TELL HER THAT I STILL LOVE HER . She apologized this morning when i got back from my walk for hurting me (the affair) and told me she still loves me i hugged her and told her i love the Sarah which is lost inside this evil monster called depression. She hasn't come home tonight....but left a message to say she was having a bad day and is staying with her mother with our son . will things ever get better..... i think she is dragging me down into depression 11 months is a long time.... thank you for reading this if you do it is therapeutic to write things down and comforting to know that there are other people out there with the same problems to overcome.
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