my wife took her own life

[silverhalo]

clairecharlie said:

I've had awful suicidal thoughts with this pni. one night inparticular they were very bad. but instead of wakin my partner who was asleep upstairs i phoned the samaritans who were useless!! n then my sister instead of botherin him!!! he hadn't got a clue as 2 how bad things had got 4 me hadn't seen the signs as you say!! We r all fantastic at hiding them 2 protect others so don't blame yr self 4 that!!! love Claire x

i did know she was having bad days as she would phone me at work very depressed but once i was home or at the weekend she was was fine but i should have taken more notice of her moods when at work i feel so sorry for her and i miss her deeply

[claire99991]

Im so sorry this has happened .....i dont know what to say im shocked and really upset for you. Please take all the support that you are offered from family,friends,gp, support groups and this website. Again im so sorry
claire xxx

[clairecharlie]

I2 am fine when my partner is at home at wk ends as he works away all wk!!! I can imagine just how much u miss her n your life must seem so frightenin without her!!! BUT please don't blame yr self 4 missin the signs!!! It;s as if we put a mask on when we dont want 2 worry the people we love with our awful thoughts or even anyone to no at all that we hav pni!!! Your wife was ill n u can't blame yr self 4 that. Love Claire x

[silverhalo]

i feel so utterly alone even though i have my family

[clairecharlie]

Itotally understand what u r sayin there! That is exactally how u feel with pni, so utterly alone lonely n lost n at a loss of how 2 help yr self n everyone else around u as u no full well it's affectin every 1. BUT yr not alone u hav 2 lovely children that need u more than ever now, yours n your wife's family n PETAL n this web site. As u can c already there r lots of people that r here 4 u!!!! Love Claire x

[silverhalo]

clairecharlie said:

Itotally understand what u r sayin there! That is exactally how u feel with pni, so utterly alone lonely n lost n at a loss of how 2 help yr self n everyone else around u as u no full well it's affectin every 1. BUT yr not alone u hav 2 lovely children that need u more than ever now, yours n your wife's family n PETAL n this web site. As u can c already there r lots of people that r here 4 u!!!! Love Claire x

i know i have to be strong for my kids as i love them unconditionaly but im also struggling to cope each day.I wake up and i know i have another 18 hours of this horrible dreaded feeling before i can sleep again.
I know we can never take life for granted but i had planned on being with my wife for the rest of my life

[Veritee]

Dear Silverhalo

I am so sorry for your loss, I can not begin to imagine how you feel - myself and my husband imagine we will be together for life so I/we can only guess at the loneliness you feel.

However Barry and I have a little understanding as while it is a rare consequence of PNI, this does happen.

And one of the things that prompted this site was Barry's friends wife at the time, committed suicide through PNI and we looked after their little girl a lot while he got himself together.

I do hope you have friends and family that can help you by giving you respite and time to grieve?
I know you love your children but you need time to yourself too, right now.

I wondered if you had contacted The Angela Harrison trust and Angela's husband, Anthony?

There website can be found here: www.help4mums.org/asp/default.asp?pID=1

Anthony lost his wife Angela of 12 years, through PNI, I am sure if you contact him through the trust site he might be able to offer you some support or perhaps where to go or who to contact which might help - it may not feel like it now but it does help to talk to those who have been through the same..

but of course you are welcome here too.

All the best

Veritee XX

[sare]

Hi Silverhalo,

I wish there was something I could say that would make it all better. The old cliche about time being a great healer really is true.

There is nothing I can add that hasn't already been said, I just want to reiterate that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE. Even if things had been different/done differently if your wife was having suicidal thoughts they would have been there regardless

I hope things go well for you at PETAL and we're all here for you

Thinking of you,
Sare
xxx

[clairecharlie]

Hi Silverhalo, Pkease take note of what Veritee has said, get all the help you need ( IT ISN'T A SIGN OF WEAKNESS ) . you have already started by comin on here n seeking PETALS help just keep going!!!! Talkin n time will help immensley i'm not denyin that it will be very hard 4 u, as i'm sure it will. Be strong Silverhalo.
Thinkin of you n your children. Love Claire x

[silverhalo]

Thanks for all the kind words i will also contact the angela harrison trust too

[chica]

Dear SilverHalo,
My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I so wished I could say something or do something that will help to ease your pain, but I am afraid I am at a loss.
I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling right now, as everyone else has said, please try and grab as much practical help as you can right now, have you talked to your gp?
Your wifes pain and torment is now over, but now you are left to make a very difficult and painful journey. But as a family you will grow strength from each other.
Sending you all my very best wishes.

Chica

[lucie]

Just to say you are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

I came very close to taking my own life and that of my daughters at the end of last year. Thankfully i was admitted to hospital and am slowly recovering.

I just wanted to let you know that it is the PNI that took your wife and not the 'real her' that you knew and loved. The illness is like a horrible weed that strangles and takes over what is beautiful underneath. I wrote my husband and children a letter when i was very ill explaining that if i did die then they were to remember the real me and it was the PNI which had taken hold.

I hope some of this is some comfort to you. Keep strong xx

[silverhalo]

lucie said:

Just to say you are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

I came very close to taking my own life and that of my daughters at the end of last year. Thankfully i was admitted to hospital and am slowly recovering.

I just wanted to let you know that it is the PNI that took your wife and not the 'real her' that you knew and loved. The illness is like a horrible weed that strangles and takes over what is beautiful underneath. I wrote my husband and children a letter when i was very ill explaining that if i did die then they were to remember the real me and it was the PNI which had taken hold.

I hope some of this is some comfort to you. Keep strong xx

Lucie
thanks for those words, i havent been on for a couple of days as im struggling with just about everything just now, sadly i feel i will never get any answers that are concrete.
In my mind i want to be able to talk to survivors of PNI who have intended to end things rather than cries for help and failed, living to tell the story.
Maybe this site isnt where i will find those answers i just dont know but i do know as it is i feel so alone and no amount of comfort from my family and friends is helping.
I know i must stay strong for my kids but its difficult
Paul

[cheshire]

Hi Paul

We are here for you. It's ok to talk here.

It is highly possible that many of us did consider ending things. Many of us had failed attempts, I'm sure of that.

We are here for you and you can talk here.
It's ok

Kids can carry you - I tend to never give the the credit they are due.

Love and thoughts, Hopefulx

[silverhalo]

cheshire said:

Hi Paul

We are here for you. It's ok to talk here.

It is highly possible that many of us did consider ending things. Many of us had failed attempts, I'm sure of that.

We are here for you and you can talk here.
It's ok

Kids can carry you - I tend to never give the the credit they are due.

Love and thoughts, Hopefulx

Thanks hopefulx
i seem to feel worse as the weekend approaches as we always did things together on those days and were seldom apart as a family
i cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel people tell me about.
I feel so sad for my wife more than i feel for myself i always told her i would protect her and keep her safe and i feel like i have failed her to
paul.