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Post by chica on Mar 3, 2007 11:05:45 GMT
Hi Paul, My heart is breaking for you, please believe that you did not fail your wife. This illness is just so powerful, and it can take many different forms, you could not have been with your wife 24 hours a day, no matter how much you may have wanted to be. My feelings of suicide used to come out of the blue and from nowhere, one minute I was okay and the next minute it was I was going to end it all. You could not have predicted any of this. Please, please believe me.
Sending you love and hugs Chica
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Post by chica on Mar 3, 2007 11:08:59 GMT
Me again, I should also have added that my hubby had or has no idea that I felt this way, us ladies can do magnificent cover up jobs. Love Chica
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Post by silverhalo on Mar 3, 2007 11:59:06 GMT
This is my story and why i feel so guilty My wife was suffering from PNI and Bulemia. I knew she got up from bed to the toilet reguraly most nights and i could hear her being sick now and then.I also bought her a laxative called DULCOLAX not knowing that folk use it as a manner of losing weight through passing waste from her bowels i could hear her do this also at night but again didnt realy put two an two together. My wife was a slim girl when we meet and after our first kid she gained weight rapidly which to be honest upset me as i wanted her to be as near as possible to the weight she was when we first meet. I am being as honest as i can here i loved my wife deeply and would never have left her either way but i did have aproblem with her weight as she had went up to around 17 stone. One night when i was drunk in my living room with my best friend i made a stupid comment about my wife just being a shag and my wife overheard it. I never did discusss my private life with my friends and that was the one and only time and to be honest i hated myself eversince because i didnt even mean it but my wife pulled me up for it some time later and was obviuosly very hurt by it. I tried to explain that i was so sorry and that i never did or said anything like that before and was deeply sorry. We eventualy married in 1999 after being together since 1992 and she was still carrying a lot of weight but i still loved her and married her. By 2001 my wife had gotten her weight down to around 9/10 stone and we split for at least 6 months in 2002 i was devastaed moving out of our home and lost around 3 stone myself due to not eating or sleeping properly as i missed her so much, we eventualy put our differences aside and she asked me if i wanted to move back in again so i did without question.
My wife stayed around that weight up until her death, we also had another kid in 2004 a little boy who is sleeping on the settee as i type and the six years since we got back together were some of our happiest times. But on the friday before she died she was out with her best friend and told her she had been suffering from bulemia for 6 years and didnt know how to tell me, she also told her friend about the comment i had made way back in 1993 and that she could never go back to that weight again. She made her friend promise not to tell me and now im left feeling that it was all my fault that she became bulemic due to that silly/horrible comment as she had harboured it in her mind all that time. The facts are i would never have left her and if she had spoken to me about it i would have tried to help as best i could sadly i feel now that every little comment i made as regards to weight were taken much more seriously than i ever meant them to be i feel so ashamed with myself. Paul
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Post by Veritee on Mar 3, 2007 13:10:41 GMT
Dear Paul
Thank you for telling us your story and please write whatever you want - telling your story does help although it is painful at the time.
I know that a chance comment like this can hurt - my husband made a comment about my weight once about three months after the birth of my baby when I too was sufferign from 'birthing fat' that does happen to soem women.
I still remember as it was hurtful at the time - but I did not become bulimic nor develop any sort of eating disorder.
I have worked with people with eating disorders and I agree that negative comments about weight especially from those who are close to you are hurtful - but I do know one comment alone can never be the cause of an eating disorder and certainly not suicide.
The roots of this have to be much larger than your one comment and the cause probably, now she is no longer here, buried with her.
And yes what you said was probably hurtful and had an effect but it was one comment and when you were drunk ( my husband and I as well have said many things when we have had a few drinks that we would never say other wise and certainly did not mean)
and your relationship since has proved that this was not how you viewed your wife and that you cared for her.
However she killed herself and I think part of the process of grieving is to go over everything that happened and to think that some of what you did might have contributed to this end.
But this is part of a process and believe me no one thing - certainly not a comment made several years ago is to blame for your wifes suicide.
There probably were things you could have done better and things that maybe you should not have said - and things you perhaps should have talked about
But the same goes for your wife too - and all of us in our relationships.
It is the fact that she died that means that you are re-examining all that happened in your time together, otherwise theses things would have either remained behind you or would have eventually have spoken about them together.
And this is positive that you are looking at your time with her and what happened between you.
It is by re-visiting things, perhaps crying over what happened good and bad that we grieve - and you do need to grieve.
Also re-living moments including the joyous moments that I am sure you had together that you can grieve and come to terms with such an awful thing as suicide is for those left behind to cope.
Remember she is not suffering now - it is you that is.
do you have any bereavement counseling? or someone to exchange stories of your wifes life and grieve with - her parents, brothers and sisters , friends?
This can really help but keep talking here
Veritee XX
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Post by twinmummy on Mar 3, 2007 16:47:05 GMT
Hi Paul, I havent posted on here before but I just wanted to tell you a bit about me. I nearly died 3 weeks ago from a massive overdose, I was told that I had a 50/50 chance of survival. Why am I telling you this, you are asking, well, obviiously I dont know your wife but if she felt anything like I did it would not have been one single incidient that made her take her own life. It would have been a cumulation of things that eventually she could not cope with. There is nothing you could have done. My husband is very attentive yet he couldnt stop me, it sounds incredibly selfish but I didnt think what would happen after I was gone, it was about releasing me from the pain I was in. So please dont blame yourself, we all say things sometimes but it wont have been that one individual comment that caused this. Please take care, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Please try not to dwell on things that were said, but instead try and remember the good things, and get some help. I know that my husband is struggling and I am still here, so I cant imagine the pain you must be feeling.
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Post by bam02 on Mar 3, 2007 17:03:13 GMT
Thankyou for such hearfelt words - i am sure Paul can take comfort from them.
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Post by silverhalo on Mar 3, 2007 18:56:47 GMT
Hi Paul, I havent posted on here before but I just wanted to tell you a bit about me. I nearly died 3 weeks ago from a massive overdose, I was told that I had a 50/50 chance of survival. Why am I telling you this, you are asking, well, obviiously I dont know your wife but if she felt anything like I did it would not have been one single incidient that made her take her own life. It would have been a cumulation of things that eventually she could not cope with. There is nothing you could have done. My husband is very attentive yet he couldnt stop me, it sounds incredibly selfish but I didnt think what would happen after I was gone, it was about releasing me from the pain I was in. So please dont blame yourself, we all say things sometimes but it wont have been that one individual comment that caused this. Please take care, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Please try not to dwell on things that were said, but instead try and remember the good things, and get some help. I know that my husband is struggling and I am still here, so I cant imagine the pain you must be feeling. Thanks for those words as i know im seeking guilt for everything that has happened and i know people are trying to help me but maybe my mind isnt ready to accept all this yet ... i just dont know but hopefully my brain is taking it all in and will day let me realise that the blame didnt lye with me. I havent been drinking since my wife passed but on sunday of last week i did big style and i decided to go home alone to my empty house as my kids were at my brothers. I cant imagine to tell you thoughts i had in the house all alone but something sparked me out of it at the last moment and i lay on the settee and fell asleep until morning, but to be honest i dont know now how i feel about that ?
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Post by villagewife on Mar 8, 2007 21:08:25 GMT
Hi Paul,
I am really sorry to hear about your wife. It is tough enough to lose your partner and the mother of your children without the feelings of guilt you are currently having. So wishing you the strength to pull through this!
I can certainly echo everything other women have said already - the illness is a very powerful beast indeed, and one offhand comment does not make you guilty of causing her death. When I was worst, I honestly thought that my husband and my daughter would be better off without me and me being 'gone' (whether living somewhere else or being dead) would be doing them a favour. Obviously I don't know, but it could well be that your wife felt this way too.
How are you doing now? VW XXX
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Post by silverhalo on Mar 9, 2007 11:10:35 GMT
Hi Paul, I am really sorry to hear about your wife. It is tough enough to lose your partner and the mother of your children without the feelings of guilt you are currently having. So wishing you the strength to pull through this! I can certainly echo everything other women have said already - the illness is a very powerful beast indeed, and one offhand comment does not make you guilty of causing her death. When I was worst, I honestly thought that my husband and my daughter would be better off without me and me being 'gone' (whether living somewhere else or being dead) would be doing them a favour. Obviously I don't know, but it could well be that your wife felt this way too. How are you doing now? VW XXX My wife also struggled with bulimia which didnt help her frame of mind. I had this dream about her last night and woke up this morning feeling realy low again. My dream i was in the living room with my wife and kids and my wife was wearing some new clothes and asked me how she looked i said "wow you look great vivienne but you dont need to lose any more weight you look great as it is" she replied as her blue eyes turned red "but its wahat you want isnt it ? im giving you what you want. At this poing i lifted her up with her legs around my waist and carried her into our bedroom and fell on to the bed with her, i looked her in te eyaes and said " vivienne dont take this the wrong way and dont be upset but i know you have a problem" she looked up at me and said i dont know what you mean paul" and i replied i know you have bulimia and i want to help im not angry i just want to help". She started crying and as my wee boy walked into the room i started crying also and said "please vivienne me and the kids want to help you we dont want to lose you" At this point i woke up crying and reality came back to me.
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