|
|
Post by Scarlet on Jul 24, 2007 15:02:53 GMT
Lab, Please do take the text as a positive sign. I felt just like your wife a year ago. I'm not an expert (only by experience  ) but it sounds to me as if she's in still the acute stages of PNI. It's very difficult to make a decision when you are suffering during the acute stages and you really don't know your own mind from one minute to the next. All you want to do is get out of the situation that you are in, and your mind is racing each minute with constant worries and thoughts. I didn't want my husband nor our baby either. I was terrified and confused and my decisions changed from one minute to the next. I didn't have an affair, but there were times that I just wanted to run away and not exist any more (I can understand her having an affair as an escape route, so please be forgiving if at all you can).. I also had a very difficult pregnancy and my husband worked long hours as well. I was also admitted to a hospital for 10 weeks. All I can advise you is to be patient, your wife is there underneath the PNI, but she needs time to recover and it can be a long road I'm afraid to say. I am around 90% recovered now after 14 months and love to be around my baby most days, but I still get down times and have mood swings, and am incredibly irritable (more than usual ) My acute stage lasted about 3 months and then I slowly started to recover and now the good days are more than the bad days. Hang in there lab if you can, I think she'll be back and she needs your support, even though it doesn't seem like it. Scarlet X |
|
|
|
Post by sianyc on Jul 25, 2007 10:09:34 GMT
Hi Lab
Just to echo what Scarlet has said really. She is in there somewhere, it just takes a while to re-surface.
|
|
|
|
Post by gizmoracer on Jul 25, 2007 13:58:53 GMT
It's nice to hear an update, even if its not as promising as it could be, it shows she is thinking of you both. You have also made her aware that you are there for her when she is ready, thats important. Unfortunately I have no idea what the treatment regime involves - she's not prepared to involve me at this stage and the hospital won't talk to me without her consent - it makes life very difficult for all of the family ;( I hope it will change - we all feel very cut off right now (though obviously we understand that _she's_ the important one when it comes to treatment right now). However there is something about this that both myself and my husband are not happy with. I don't have this sort of experience so perhaps someone else will be able to shed some light. If her consultant is saying she is not ready to make her own decisions yet then why has she been allowed to keep you in the dark by not letting the hospital liase with you? and lets be a bit dramatic here but you are her next of kin and quite frankly we think they have a duty to keep you informed on what her treatment consists of and how she is progressing. Maybe I'm being a bit over the top here but it just doesn't seem right. Anyone else with me on this one? |
|
lab
New Member
Posts: 11
|
Post by lab on Jul 25, 2007 14:47:59 GMT
Thanks - yes - I hope the real her is still in there, and reading some other peoples experiences, maybe she will come back eventually. (every finger available crossed!) She's not communicated with me for 2 days now, but her sister (who has experience of mental illness of a different nature herself) has been texting her every now and then; sis says last thing she said was that "the therapy wasn't helping yet, but she could see that it might." I agree about the lack of communication from the hospital being less than ideal. Originally (I know these things always get extended, and I can't believe my wifes' stay won't) she was due to go in for 3 weeks, which expires a week tomorrow. So I'm leaving it until monday (it's torture, but I'm learning to sit back and not push as hard as I want to), and then I'll call the hospital and say that the least they can do is tell me if her stay is being extended. (since she's not yet got to the stage of being able to see our son, I can't believe it won't be). I would think she'll need at least the 10 weeks Scarlet was talking about, maybe even more.... Really, all I can do right now is to be there for my son, and hope that in time my wife will get in touch and say she's ready for a visit. (to recap - at the moment she says my visiting and obvious feelings for her put too much pressure on her, and drive her away...) It's very hard trying not to be there! I want very much to at least text her, but the above reasons mean I'm trying not to initiate any conversations for fear of pushing her - I think I'll probably send a card tonight just to let her know I'm thinking of her (nothing pressuring) - assuming her mum thinks it's a good idea! (my wifes parents are honestly maintaining my sanity at the moment) ----- edit I've just found out from a friend that my wife is being kept incommunicado for 7 days from 6pm today! While I'm happy about this because it keeps (as someone said) 'the catalyst' from poisoning her, I'm really furious that the hospital didn't think to mention this to me!  I know that at this stage in her illness (especially with her affair etc) I'm public enemy #1, but I think the hospital is doing a really bad job here - When this 7 days is up, it'll be a day before she was due to come out, and that's never going to happen now - I'm so cross that they couldn't tell me this. Definitely going to phone them tomorrow! I don't need to know any of the details of her therapy, but to find out stuff like this from a 3rd party!!!  |
|
|
|
Post by helenr on Jul 25, 2007 19:22:37 GMT
Hi Lab,
havn't been on for a while, ad just catching up.
Firstly, you are doing fantastically well considering the pressure you're under, and I'm delighted that you and your son have such a wonderful family around.
Secondly, what the hell is the Priory playing at? Yes, there are issues with confidentiality, but as her next of kin, you have every right to be kep informed of her progress. And you certainly should be told about major descisions like no contact for a week!!!!
I assume that one of the reasons for this no communication is due to the contact she has had from ------. In that respect, I think it is a good idea, see how far they can get with her without "outside influences".
This must be so difficult for you, you clearly love your wife, and are unable to be part of her recovery. But, its only for right now. You're doing the best thing by looking after your son, and communicating with your family. I'm sure they feel as lost as you right now?
Take care, thinking of you all,
love and hugs x.
|
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Jul 25, 2007 19:44:05 GMT
Hi Lab
I can only really echo everything that helenr has said. I am horrified that the hospital is keeping you in the dark like this!
I wish everything turns out right for you, your wife and your little boy, and will be thinking of you all x
Winegirl x
|
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Jul 26, 2007 6:57:47 GMT
Lab, I was in hospital for 10 weeks (specialised depression/anxiety ward), however I originally went in for 2 weeks. When I spoke to the psychiatrist and told him not to tell my husband things we had discussed, he respected me, although he did speak to my husband about my treatment (I was 7 months pregnant at the time). Like the others though, I'm not sure what Priory are doing and how they are operating. The depression unit I was in encouraged next of kin to be involved (it was a huge part of recovery, unless the husband has been abusive) and my husband actually attended a couple of meetings with the psychologist. Is there anyone you could speak to in Priory that could shed some light Lab, maybe you could complain to the hospital manager (ombudsman). The therapy didn't help me either in hospital to be honest, as I was in denial at what illness I had. I've never been depressed in my life before last year and I didn't believe the doc when he told me that was what it was, I really thought I was going mad. It's like you are in self-destruct mode, nothing matters anymore, you don't think you will ever be well again, so what the hell. I gave lots of my things away (clothes/personal items/money) because I thought it was the end of the line for me. I never expected to be 'normal' again, and thought I would spend my life being tortured by thoughts and worries. I was screaming inside and felt no-one could help me, I became incredibly clingy to anyone I thought could help me (hence your wife and her affair I think). Perhaps this is the stage your wife is at (by reading what you are saying ~ and my own experience of this dreadful illness). If so, she feels utterly abandoned by everybody, she has irrational thoughts and her life is dictated by her illness. She thinks she will never recover and that you and your son will be better off without her. She thinks she will never be able to lead a normal life again and she will always be ill. It wasn't until I came out of hospital and after the birth of my son that I started to recover (very slowly) as the months have progressed and I am almost back to the way I was before. I have my life back at last, but there are still times that I break down and cry and am still scarred by what has happened to me. Your wife will recover Lab, but it could take a while. My psychiatrist said that normally it takes between one to one and a half years to full recovery, although there are exceptions to this rule. Please be patient, as the months progress you will see your wife come back, she may still be up and down and have mood swings but they become less and less with time. Have a word with Priory and find out what is going on. Bloody hell, I would do it for you if I was in the UK . When she comes out of the hospital, give her the link to this site and we will try and help her as much as we can. To be able to talk to women who are going through the same as you are is amazing. Keep your chin up, thinking of you Scarlet X |
|
lab
New Member
Posts: 11
|
Post by lab on Jul 26, 2007 21:27:24 GMT
Phew - the psychiatrist who's looking after my wife called today!  There wasn't any real news, but it's come as quite a relief... all she could really tell me was that my wife is feeling really confused right now, and that she had given her consent for me to be talked to (that's got to be good). Well, I guess I'm in for a week of trying not to panic, and just trust (and hope) that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. At least I had a chance to tell the psych that I'll do anything I can to help - sounds silly, but it's made me feel better that she knows; my wife's probably so confused that she doesn't know it, and it's good for the psych to hear it from me.... A long week awaits! But my boy's back ;D (and my parents have come up to stay and help out) |
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Jul 27, 2007 6:41:59 GMT
Good news Lab, now at least you can be part of her recovery. So glad to hear your son is back with you and that your parents are helping, you'll need all the support you can. Although your wife is confused now, believe me when I say that she knows exactly what's going on, and soon when she's reflecting on what's happened to her, she will remember those moments that you were there for her. I am still resentful of how I was treated by certain family members (including my own husband ) during the acute part of my illness, and I am finding it really hard to forgive and forget. Try and remember the wife you had who really wanted the baby she was carrying, you will get her back...... Keep posting and we will try and support you (and your wife) in any way we can. Scarlet X |
|
|
|
Post by gizmoracer on Jul 27, 2007 10:11:14 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by helenr on Jul 27, 2007 21:24:05 GMT
Hi Lab,
thats great news, I'm sure its taken some of the worry away from you? Also delighted you and your son are together.
Have a lovely weekend doing father and son bonding, and general mayhem, you both deserve it and your wife is being looked after.
love and hugs x
|
|
lab
New Member
Posts: 11
|
Post by lab on Aug 1, 2007 7:01:29 GMT
Update time - A mix of positives and negatives... (I think - maybe I'm reading bad into good.... it's very confusing) I've been asked to take my son in for a brief visit tonight (hurrah) so his mum can see him, and 'have a chance to bond with him', so that's obviously good... My son got a letter yesterday from his mum, in which she talked about how she loved him, had been very poorly and would take better care of him - but there was absolutely no mention of me, which I found really painful - I assume it was part of the therapy to write a letter to him, and maybe it was just supposed to be about him, but it still hurts - I feel like I've been cut out of the picture; I really don't want the end outcome of this to be that I lose my son! (Obviously I'm glad she could write that she loves him though! Very up and down about this.....) Also, the shrink got in touch with me and said '[my wife] recognises the detrimental effect of contact with [xxx], and sees the wisdom in having no further contact.' Again, I'm sort of not sure what to make of that - I'm glad she can see that every time she talks to him it damages how she feels about our son, but if I read between the lines, it sounds like she intends to go on and do it anyway! (I know - I shouldn't read too much into this - it's just in the absence of information, those tiny little nuggets that you do get tend to be analysed into dust!! ) Oh well. I'm in for a day of going stir crazy waiting for 6pm to roll around so I can take him in to see his mum. Fingers (and every other crossable bit) crossed. lab. |
|
|
|
Post by gizmoracer on Aug 1, 2007 7:45:55 GMT
Good luck for tonight. I should imagine you feel very vunerable right now, I know I would in your position. I also agree with what you said about the letter, the chances are they are dealing with her feelings for your son first, she probably feels incredably guilty about how she hasn't bonded with him properly and this is one way of letting it out and also accepting that she is ill. Its very difficult to be the partner with PNI because generally you are seen and treated as second place, in respect of the child yet it is normally the partner who has to put up with most of the crap (if you'll excuse my words).
Let us know how it all goes and please don't feel isolated if it is just your son she wants to be with at this meeting, it is probably all part of the healing process. One thing at a time and all that.
|
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Aug 1, 2007 19:53:55 GMT
Hi Lab
Just wanted to say that I hope tonight goes well and your little boy enjoys seeing his mummy! This is gonna be a very slow process, but it does look like it is moving in the right direction, so you guys hang in there.
Sending my thoughts to you, your wife and your little boy x
Winegirl x
|
|
|
|
Post by helenr on Aug 1, 2007 19:58:38 GMT
Hi Lab,
hope things went ok tonight.
If their focus is on PNI then they will concentrate on that and the relationship with your son first, the adult dimension will be dealt with later. Hope that makes sense?
Did you and your son have a good weekend?
love and hugs x
|
|
) but it sounds to me as if she's in still the acute stages of PNI. It's very difficult to make a decision when you are suffering during the acute stages and you really don't know your own mind from one minute to the next. All you want to do is get out of the situation that you are in, and your mind is racing each minute with constant worries and thoughts. I didn't want my husband nor our baby either. I was terrified and confused and my decisions changed from one minute to the next. 
