lab
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Posts: 11
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Post by lab on Jul 12, 2007 17:00:42 GMT
Hi all. My wife of six years and I have a baby boy who's one year old now. It turns out that she's been covering up (and I've not been seeing) quite severe post natal depression for almost six months (it didn't kick in really badly until she went back to work). Our son was 2 months premature and my wife was very ill in the pregnancy (soon recovered physically) - he spent 3 weeks in the high dependancy unit... She's always been a bit of a perfectionist, so when she said she didn't think she was doing a good enough job with our son, I didn't hear what she wanted me to hear (help, It's all going wrong), just that she lacked confidence, and I told her what I thought, which was that she was doing a great job, and I helped out in the wrong way, by giving her time on her own without the baby. She now has told me she's been faking it for ages, because she didn't want to seem a bad mother, and that she hates our son, and she hates me for wanting him around (and not hearing her cries for help). Other times she'll say she's terrified of him. There's a lot of other anger, because I have a job which really encourages you to work long hours, and I commute, so I haven't really been able to get home before seven most nights during the week. (and, of course, to my eternal shame as I was spending a lot of my home time focussed on my son, I really wasn't paying her enough attention - I took her a lot for granted and I know that's awful.) She started to have an affair, (she says now, in the cold light of day) because it allowed her to construct a fantasy life where she could run away - she planned to move out and leave our son with me - this has fallen apart (of course, I'm glad about that, but still devastated in the most terrible way), and now that it's gone she's lost her fantasy escape route, and the depression which this was hiding has taken over most terribly. Once she lost this route she became alternatingly catatonic in bed or manic "have to get out of the house, have to go for a drive / go shopping" (on her own).... She went to the priory (mental health) yesterday, and they said they needed to admit her for three weeks (at least) on a residential basis for severe PND / mental breakdown. Because I've only been able to get so many days off work, her mum has been staying with us, and she had a huge fight with my wife about parenting last night.... my wife has now been told to go into the priory and she simply up and left the house - no message for me (I'm at work waiting for the hospital to call me to let me know if I can even visit! ), no backward glance at our son. I'm so terribly lost. My wife was (and I believe is) a wonderful, loving woman - she so desperately wanted our son - she cried so much when she found she hadn't miscarried and she was so glad when he was born alright. I just don't know how to be around her - she's turned into a very cruel woman who is trying to drive me away so I'll take our son away from her. I know she's made a difficult and very brave step by admitting to having this illness and seeking treatment - the fact that she had an affair (and my part in the motivations, though it was mostly, she says, to escape from our son) have of course made it extra fraught between us - I just don't know how to behave around her, and now she's (effectively) walked out. Basically, terrified.
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Post by yoyo on Jul 12, 2007 17:07:21 GMT
Hi lab
I wish I could say something to make things better for you - but I really feel for you all.
Your wife sounds like she's has really been having a tough time in her head. Many of us women on here have had the urges / needs / to run away, end it all, escape etc etc and some have done. This is something that does pass but it's only with time and the right help. I'm so pleased to hear that she's getting help - al be it severe looking for now, but it will be a big step in the right direction.
You may find that your wife is emotional detached form the family at the moment - I was completely numb towards my son , family & husband for a good while before the feelings started to come back - then it was anger that came back first.
Things will get better - but it is a hard road to recovery I'm afriad - please be patient with yourself & your wife - she is incredibly ill at the moment and needs as many things as possible in her life to be steady even though she may cause chaos in her current state of mind.
PNI is an illness - it is possible to make a good or complete recovery.
PLease feel free to talk here and offload as much as you need - you too need support at this difficult time.
THinking of you x x x x
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Post by Veritee on Jul 12, 2007 17:29:28 GMT
Dear Lab I do not have much time right now as i have to go out for a while ( be back in about 2 hours) but I wanted to get back to you first I will read what you have put more closely later but from what i can see your wife has been admitted to the priory ( do you mean this priory : www.prioryhealthcare.com/How-we-can-help/General-psychiatry/Post-natal-depression or somewhere else?) for at least three weeks for mental health issues that ( from what you say) started when she had her son who is a year now. Is your son with you - is he alright? From what I know for supporting others on here it is perfectly possible that this is PNI and also that having an affair might be prompted by this ...... but unless your wife comes in here too we can not know - so we can only offer to support you as best we can and I personally feel for you as this is a difficulty situation. While your wife is in the priory all you can do at present for her - is be there for her - support her as best you can and make it clear you are there for her ......... but you need support yourself - what support do you have and what support are you seeking? I do hear your fear and like Yoyo can only say that we are here for you if you want to share what you are going through- so please feel free to post whatever you need to here Veritee XX
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Post by helenr on Jul 12, 2007 19:18:06 GMT
Hi lab,
am so sorry you and your family are having such a horrendous time at the minute.
At my worst I absolutely hated my youngest, I couldn't even be in the same room as him, which was devastating for me (our 2nd IVF baby). I too wanted to run away, and was only stopped by DH hiding the car keys ( I was afraid to leave the house any other way).
This is not your fault!
She's getting help right now, and although it may sound selfish, you need to focus on yourself and your son.
How are you and your son coping?
Thinking of you, love and hugs x
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Post by winegirl on Jul 12, 2007 19:18:14 GMT
Dear Lab
I can only really echo what Yoyo and Veritee have already said to you. This is an awful illness that can distort your mind very severely, and I am certain that all of your wife's recent actions would have been because of this.
It is great that she is now receiving treatment and this will be the start of her recovery. It will be a very long and painful process, but we are here for you to talk and listen all the way.
How is your son doing right now?
Sending you and your family love
Winegirl x
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lab
New Member
Posts: 11
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Post by lab on Jul 13, 2007 12:18:08 GMT
Thanks for your support everyone. veritee - yes, that's the chain - it's very good (and thank goodness for medical insurance....) I visited my wife at the hospital last night (I was a bit panicked that she wouldn't let me visit because of how angry her mum said she was on the way out the door), and she seems to be doing ok - it's very strange to me, (but I guess normal) that when she's away from our son she calms down an awful lot - she's not herself, but I see glimpses of the girl I know, which dissapear when our son is around.... It turns out that her mum picked a Really Bad Time to lecture her on good parenting. Even the most well meaning people do daft things , which really upset / angered her yesterday, when she stormed off....... Myself and my son are doing ok, now, I guess - he's (so fortunately) not picked up on any of this (just turned one) and is having a lovely time with all the grandparents who are offering a lot of support (they're staying with me on a shift basis, so I still get to spend time with him); I've seen a shrink of my own (at my wifes' insistence!) who has put me on anti-depressants.... I guess we just have to play it by ear and I have to pray (not a religious man, but you never know!) that a psychiatrist can help her understand the maelstrom in her head. (though I know a lot of it is not mental, and that anti-depressants will hopefully help the physical side somewhat). It's just very painful for both of us that she chose to escape the way she did (affair); there's a lot of guilt (I understand, from reading) with PNI anyway, and she's got the extra burden of feeling what happened. I'm trying my best to be supportive, but of course it's the hardest thing for a husband who very much loves his wife to go through..., and I can't imagine how much the extra guilt is hurting her. But our son is doing ok at the moment - hopefully at some point she'll be up to having him visit with me. Thanks. lab
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Post by helenr on Jul 13, 2007 20:57:15 GMT
Hi lab,
I know it seems strange that she is much better away from your son, but for me, its not so strange. I guess I'm trying to reassure you that its the illness doing this to your wife,
Perhaps in a way, your wifes mum actually did her a favour, it made her seek help. Does that make sense?
I'm glad you have so much family support around you , and that you are seeking help for yourself.
Your wife is very lucky to have a husband and family who care so much about her, and when she has recovered, she will be grateful for that.
Speak soon, love and hugs x
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Post by sianyc on Jul 17, 2007 9:13:55 GMT
Hi Lab
I don't really have much to add to what the others have said. Just to reassure you that she will want to be around your son at some point and will then likely feel very guilty about not wanting to be around him now ( I know this gets to me sometimes )
keep going with what you're doing now. You sound very supportive which will really help her with her recovery
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lab
New Member
Posts: 11
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Post by lab on Jul 22, 2007 13:24:38 GMT
An update - it's very sad. My wife was doing quite well in the hospital, but then the man she had this affair with called, (she's allowed to keep her mobile!) and she had a huge regression ("I want to run away from our son, he'll help me do it.") . She sent me a text saying she never wanted to see our son again. I desperately want to be there for her, but because she can't break off this contact with this man (he even knows what it is he's doing to her!) I've had to tell her we need to divorce. She's said she needs a week (or longer) of not being visited by anyone at the hospital - that my being there and showing her how much I love her is putting intolerable pressure on her, and forcing her to run away. It's been four days now, and being away from her is absolute torture. It's the longest I've gone in 8 years without being in touch with her, even if it was over a phone... I truly don't want to separate from my lovely wife, but this woman is a complete stranger, and I can't stand by while she continues her affair, despite the fact that I know it's all about escaping from our son. I've emailled her psychiatrist at the hospital what damage this man is doing to her treatment; in her 'lucid' (not that she's not always lucid, but I mean those moments when her real self shines through) she utterly admits that he's just an escape route, and a horrible person. I hope they can help her to see this so she can repair her relationship with our wonderful boy. For myself, I can only hope she will tell me that she doesn't need to escape, and that we can try to rebuild things, instead of being forced down this awful path of seperation. It's the last thing on earth I want to do, but her current 'personality' thinks it's ok to tell me how she needs to be with him to get away, and I can't pretend to be her husband when she's doing this.... I truly believe that the real her is hiding in there, and that when she can start to feel for our son, that her feelings will come back. I've got to hope. My life (and that of both our families) is in total limbo.... I wish I could help her, but the best I can do (from what she says) is to stay away and give her space....
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Post by winegirl on Jul 22, 2007 19:34:43 GMT
Hi Lab
I am so sorry to hear of everything that has happened to your wife and your family recently. This man who is in touch with you wife needs to be removed from the situation as he is clearly praying on a very ill lady!
PNI does strange things to your head. I am certain that all these thoughts are not your wife's normal thoughts but that of this damned illness screwing with her head.
I have little to say of comfort to you, as I just cannot find the words. But I wanted to respond to your post to let you know that we are here listening to you and will try to help you through this in any way we can.
How is your little boy doing? Still loving being around his extended family?
I really hope all this works out for you all. It will take along time for your wife to get better, and there will be some rough times. I hope you both come out the other side - together.
Please keep talking if it helps.
Thinking of you, your wife and your son x
Winegirl x
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Post by Jay on Jul 22, 2007 20:43:08 GMT
I just want to send you a Hug, and a bit of strength to keep going. You sound so kind and understanding. I so hope things turn round and get better for you, you son and the parents.
Jay xx
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lab
New Member
Posts: 11
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Post by lab on Jul 23, 2007 9:40:32 GMT
Hi - thanks again for support. My son's still happy - he's living with my wife's parents this week (I spent thu->sun with them and him), and is coming back to live with me and my parents on thursday - I miss him, but he's doing ok, and is still happy, though hes had a few crotchety moments... I think he's starting to miss his mum. The thing (out of the many things!) I'm finding hardest at the moment is the 'giving her space'. I know she's got to get to grips with all the things that are in her mind, and she says that she needs to do it on her own (the hospital has put her on 1-1 counselling, probably as a result of what happened in my last post), but it's so hard not being allowed to be there for her. I need to believe that the best thing I can do at the moment is not be in her life (at her request), but I really can't believe that (even though I do appreciate what she's said about my obvious feelings for her making her feel pressured...) - it's so hard.
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Post by gizmoracer on Jul 23, 2007 10:52:53 GMT
Hi Lab
I've been following your post but not really known what to say to help. I just wanted you to know that I am listening to. It must be very hard on you not having the contact with her but knowing that 'the catalyst' shall we say is probably still in touch with her. All I can say is make sure you have as much contact with the staff as possible. I know you will be there at the drop of a hat should she need you and I'm sure she knows that to. You have got the most important job at the moment by bringing up your son and it sounds like you're doing a great job. Keep it up. You might find it useful to keep a diary of some sort to look back on. It would also come in handy in many years to come when she is better and your son is all grown up. just a suggestion. Anyway hang in there and keep us all up to date.
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Post by villagewife on Jul 23, 2007 11:40:10 GMT
Hi Lab,
Just wanted to wish you well and let you know that people are thinking about you and your family in this difficult time. I was treated at the Priory last year, although on non-residential basis, and they did a great job but it did feel at times as if things were getting worse before they got better. So hopefully, things will turn better soon for your wife and yourself.
Also, I would like to congratulate you and your extended family for taking such good care of your son. The love he has from all of you will help him get through this.
Keep talking - don't think you're alone!
Hugs, VW
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lab
New Member
Posts: 11
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Post by lab on Jul 24, 2007 11:58:17 GMT
Well, a tiny sign of progress - she asked about our son in a text message yesterday. That's the first time in a fortnight, so it's a good thing...
Also, I replied that 'he was fine, that the cats were fine, and that when / if she wanted to talk I would be there', she replied that 'I'm not ready, my consultant says I am not able to make any decisions in the state of health I'm in'.
That may not sound like much, but I take it to be a bit of a positive sign (I hope!) that she is beginning to realise how much unlike herself she is right now....
Unfortunately I have no idea what the treatment regime involves - she's not prepared to involve me at this stage and the hospital won't talk to me without her consent - it makes life very difficult for all of the family ;( I hope it will change - we all feel very cut off right now (though obviously we understand that _she's_ the important one when it comes to treatment right now).
Our son's still happy - he comes back to live with me on thursday - looking forward to that!
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