flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 15, 2008 2:46:38 GMT
I'm so sorry already for writing this. I hope it doesn't hurt anyone.
I have just thought about killing myself. My parents have LO tomorrow. I take him round there at 9.30am. I've just thought that if I leave the front door unlocked and then do it they'll come round to find out why I've not dropped him off and they'll be able to take care of him.
I haven't had thoughts like that for so long. Why is it happening to me now?
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Post by cheshire on Jan 15, 2008 4:50:56 GMT
Flobob, Believe me - I do understand Don't worry about writing it - going to PM you and just hope you're ok. Hx
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Post by gizmoracer on Jan 15, 2008 8:14:20 GMT
Flobob, How are you feeling this morning hun?
Like Hopeful said don't worry about writing this sort of thing down, its why we are here and there are far many of us than people relize who have thought the same as you and even gone as far as starting. I ran away 2 weeks before christmas, left a suicide note and headed out in the car as clear as day what I was going to do and how. Hubby paniced and sent the police looking for me, when they got me home my parents were there as well and S was in a terrible state. The one thing I really clearly remember is my 3 year old daughter coming over to me putting her arms round me and saying 'it's ok sweetiepie, we'll look after you' The kids had been told I went to the shop in the dark and got lost so the police had to show me the way home, they wouldn't let me out of their sight for weeks.
I think sometimes we do have these thoughts even with no full intention of actually doing it and it scares the life out of you. Its the same as those alfal thoughts of smoothering your child when they are constantly crying etc. My counseller said everyone gets them not just women with PNI and it is perfectly normal but the chances of you following it through are so much lower than you think. I have never said this before because I was so ashamed of it at the time but when at my worst, desperate to comite suicide but knowing I couldn't leave the kids without a mum I even thought of how to take them with me.
Unfortunatly I won't be around much today as I have a funeral to go to, but I will pop on when I can to see how you are.
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 15, 2008 8:18:51 GMT
Hiya Flobob,
It's a blip hun, and you wil get over it. Remember I said that biggie blips can happen when you are almost recovered. They are the worst ones imo because we tend to lull ourselves into a false sense of secuity and they hit us hard. I'm just making breakfast but will be around today Flobob if you want to chat hun or need support.
Thinking of you
Scarlet X
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Post by winegirl on Jan 15, 2008 8:46:04 GMT
Hi Flobob
I am so sorry you have had the horrible thought hun. I will pm you my work email address so if you feel like chatting throughout the day I will be about x
WG x
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Post by chica on Jan 15, 2008 10:24:20 GMT
Hi Flobob, How are you doing now? Please hold on sweetheart, it really does sound like you are having a blip, they come out of what would seem to be nowhere, but it is honestly a sign that you are getting better. Ironic I know, when you feel so desperate at the moment. There have been many a time over the last few years, that I too, have planned down to the last detail, about how and when I could take my own life, and also that of my children, honestly you are not alone in these thoughts. Thankfully, I was always too chicken, and now, just to think that I did think like that is pretty damn scarey in itself. This illness truly is the worst thing I have ever encountered. Please, keep on talking, and let us know how you are getting on. We do understand, and we will listen.
Sending you huge hugs and strength. Love Chica
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 15, 2008 10:47:33 GMT
Thank you everybody. Thank you so much. I can't believe I wrote that. It is an awful thing to do. I am so ashamed of myself.
After I wrote it I phoned the Samaritans. That really helped me.
I don't want to die. Not really. I just don't want to feel so bad. I love my little boy and want to see him grow up.
Today is difficult and I feel "not here" but I will get through this. I am trying to be strong.
Thank you again. Don't know where I'd be if I didn't have you all to talk to.
Gizmo - sorry you went through this, I hope everyone's love for you, especially your sweet little girl, has helped you through this. I hadn't thought what I'd do. Just how I'd do it so that LO wouldn't be alone for too long. So I'm trying to tell myself today that that means I'm a good mummy because I was thinking of him.
FloBob
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 15, 2008 11:01:36 GMT
Hiya Flobob,
We know you don't want to die hun, you just want to get control of your life again. I did and said many things I cringe about as well, but hey!!! that's PNI for you.
You are feeling like you are 'not here', becasue after a bout of anxiety, we get a numb feeling, and depending on how bad our anxiety was, is how bad the numbness will be. This is normal hun after anxiety, so try and ride it out because it will go.
You are a fab mummy, never forget that Flobob and you'll be back on track very soon. Keep talking to us and we'll help you get past it in any way we can.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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Post by cheshire on Jan 15, 2008 17:09:15 GMT
Hi Flobob,
Please don't be ashamed - these thoughts are part of this awful illness.
I'm glad you got through to the Samaritans and that you had someone to speak to.
I hope you got through today ok and hoping this evening is a little better for you
Love Hopefulx
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Post by chica on Jan 15, 2008 17:53:24 GMT
Hi Flobob, I know what you mean when you say you feel ashamed to admit your feelings, that is exactly how it was for me too, but honestly, it really does help to get it all out, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It is the dreadful illness talking, and one day I promise you, you will recover. Well done, on speaking to the samaritans, I am so glad that they were able to help you. Never forget, you are a wonderful lady, and a super mum.
Sending you love and hugs, for much brighter days ahead.
Chica
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Post by monica on Jan 15, 2008 18:05:04 GMT
Hello
Please dont' feel bad about posting how you felt. Feeling suicidal is a very common symtpoms of PNI. You're probably having a blip and as horrible as they are, it will pass. I did't feel suicidal until I recovered and had counselling. it dredged up alot of feelings for me and I really felt as if I wanted to end it all and kept thinking about it for a couple of days but I knew I wouldn't do it. Was it the same for you?
Take it easy and do nice things for yourself. This illness has lots of nasty symtoms which can be so distressing but they will pass.
Love
Monica
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carol
Full member
Posts: 117
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Post by carol on Jan 16, 2008 11:08:38 GMT
Sending love vibes to you Flobob. You are not a bad person, and you are not alone honey. I've had thoughts about suicide but never had the courage to actually write a note, thinking that if everyone thought it was an accident, they wouldn't think badly of me and that the insurance would pay up for hubby. Be kind to yourself. Carol xoxoxoxox
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Post by Weeble on Jul 11, 2010 20:30:04 GMT
Hi guys
thought I might ask on this thread, does it ever go away, before late September last year it was not something I had ever had, well anymore than the odd fleeting thought - that is apparently fairly common over the years. Then suddenly it came and sometimes it is just thinking about it, but I have got to the point of nearly doing it on a number of occasions. I really want to be rid of it, but it comes and stays and when they are in my head I really want to. I would like to hear from those of you that have rid yourself of these thoughts how long it took and what helped.
Thanks
Kat
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Post by bam02 on Jul 11, 2010 22:50:09 GMT
Not sure what if anything helps but its not unusual at all. i think the next parents evening, the next hair appointment, job interview or if in work and liking it the next meeting. My kids keep me going girl 7 and boy 15 especially 7 year old as its a lovely age not too demanding but still want hugss and cuddles.
But I think the idea of having a way out is OK if you don't act on it. Yet its nice to think there is one.. But really is it if you know what you leave behind and you have a choice. Very hard and we are never out of the woods for seeing the trees. Am I talking rubbish probably but maybe all my message is think of those left behind. Take care and keep talking. i don't always talk enough and we need too.
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Post by Weeble on Jul 12, 2010 21:10:11 GMT
Thanks Bam this is really helpful, I had wondered if they would ever go, but if i am just going to have to live with them so be it. at the moment, I hate them, because I want my life back I want to be a great mum, not this gibbering wreck.
What is really scary is when I get bad and reach the edge I think everyone will be better off without me, although the second time I nearly did it, my elder sons face stopped me.
I would really like to hear how others have coped
Kat
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