Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
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Post by Vikki on Jun 26, 2005 14:59:14 GMT
Bad night again last night.
I was snuggled in bed and the dark and shadows were troubling me.
I saw the demon again, and i felt that there was something running around in the shadows, I was too frightened to do anything.
I am going to take the 2ml tonight to see if that helps, i dont want another night like that, too petrified to sleep, but too exhausted to stay awake.
I dont get so many during the day now, but they are still bad when I am tired and at night.
I should have called the intervention team, but something always stops me.
I still feel that people expect me to be better, so I try and act like I am better for their benefit.
I know its wrong, but it seems like the right thing to do at the time.
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
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Post by Vikki on Jun 26, 2005 18:42:37 GMT
I'm getting quite nervous about going to bed now.
The intervention team are due to call this evening, but I dont know what to say to them, or even what they can do if I do.
Today has been quite nice, but I'm back to being alone again tomorrow, and this week I dont have anything planned, so I will probably just end up drifting around all week.
I just wish that I had some middle ground, not one extreme to the other all the time, its really tiring, and I'm not sure I can do it anymore.
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Post by wendabell on Jun 26, 2005 23:53:12 GMT
vikki, yes the ups and downs get tiring, and as for acting ok i think we are all guilty of this. We think that others expect us to be better by now so we put on the mask to hide what we are really feeling.
At night does it help leaving a tv on( big brother on e4 was and is a great sender to sleep). I never had the shadow experiences but i did feel like i was not alone in the house when i was the only adult there and i know it was wrong but i hid under my duvet( as if that would protect me) rather than check on my kids.Now that sounds awful but i just couldnt bring myself to confront the nothing. I knew there was no one and to have this confirmed i just couldnt cope so i hid. Ok this sounds loopy now. But i found that if i forced myself to watch tv anything then it would take my mind off things a little and then i would fall asleep. Im working tonight so i will be thinking of you and hloding a virtual hand until the morning. hope you sleep well. love wendy x..x.x
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Post by Veritee on Jun 27, 2005 8:33:21 GMT
Hi I think many of us have felt frightened at night - I too his under the Duvet when having a night long panic attack - and one occasion I panicked very badly because I saw 'shadows' thought someone else was in the house and had a stomach bug and was phobic about vomiting ( very common when you have PNI) I noticed that when I was ill the 'night terrors got worse'
This time I hid under the duvet too and only popped my head out to use the bowl and I even wore ear plugs as I kept hearing someone creeping around - I did not check Caja at all all night. But this is why I know that I knew this was all in my head - because if I had really thought anyone was in the house whatever I felt I would have gone to get Caja to protect her - but I knew it was not real and I was under the duvet to hide from myself.
I will always feel guilty as she must have had the same bug but I did not realize because she was fine when I put her down and she had covered her cot with sick where she had been repeatedly sick in the night.
She was about 2 so it was not as dangerous than had she been really small - but she could have died and she remembers this to this day as being the worse experience of her life so far!!!
I think I will feel the guilt for life, if I'd ever had another Baby I would never have left her all night however I felt but I was just so ill and so panicky and basically I should never have been on my own at night but I just did not know how to get through to Barry how ill I was and he went to sea as he still does - for week and months on end
- but Caja is OK.
Sorry Vikki - do you mind us replying like this on your dairy?
If you want it just for you - let us know?
I started out wanting to say basically I have felt this scared too especially at night but my own stuff about my guilt over when I did leave her got in the way.
But I do want to say is a very sensible women said to me that Caja may remember it , but if this is the worse that has ever happened to her so far, then she is lucky. She is right as so far she has had no serious illness, ( she has a heart condition but has never actually felt ill from it just tired) no trauma, no injuries, no marriage difficulties, she has never moved house , she has never been bullied, she has always been well supported with money food and whatever else she needs, she has always been loved by two parents and all her friends that she had know practically from birth. But I still regret she had to suffer even this.
Well I have high jacked your thread Vikki.
I hope you are OK - it is very frightening when you are like this and thunderstorms happen - they used to terrify me - even strong wind would have me thinking the worse ie a tree would collapse and kill us all.
But I NEVER feel like this now and all this stopped as soon as I began t recover when Caja was 3 - it took me a couple more years to get fully well but this horrible fear went.
All the best
Veritee
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
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Post by Vikki on Jun 28, 2005 8:37:45 GMT
The visions were better last night, but I am feeling like a zombie again.
I cant win, I can feel some normality but be scared witless or I can get rid of the visions but struggle to function.
Its Catch 22
I have Lydia at home today and I am worried about being drowsy.
But at least I have less time with them all this week.
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
|
Post by Vikki on Jun 28, 2005 12:49:07 GMT
Today has been really bad, and I dont understand why.
The thoughts are coming thgick and fast and I cant tell if they are thoughts or hallucinations.
I had to look after Lydia rthis morning and I am very releived to have dropped her to the Childminders now.
The days arent usually this hard, but today seems so bad, I dont really know what to do, maybe I will just crawl into bed for a while.
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
|
Post by Vikki on Jun 29, 2005 8:45:07 GMT
I still cant shke this bad feeling.
I am feeling shaky and the thoughts are so confusing, I am not due to see the psychaitris for nearly 3 weeks, so I dont know what to do.
I did call the intervention team yesterday, and they said they would come out if nessecary, but my house is such a mess.
I know i shouldnt be so proud, but it is hard.
what should I say to the team when they call? It is so hard to explain how I am feeling
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
|
Post by Vikki on Jun 30, 2005 18:26:43 GMT
The team are coming tomorrow, and I told them I was fine today, which im not. i am so stupid.
The new team are coming with them, and I think they are going to hand over to them soon.
I really should be feeling better, so why arent I?
The scary visions have gone, but I still have a women's voice in my head and I see the odd thing happening. Today I saw somethig get thrown out if the window of the car infront, except it wasnt I t was jusat my head playing tricks.
I think I should call Psych, but I cant.
I had a questionairre through from Incapacity benefit people, and it looks like they will ask me to go to an examination, but I dont see how I can do it, even the thought of it is sending me mad.
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
|
Post by Vikki on Jul 1, 2005 11:17:42 GMT
I have been discahrged from the iNtervention team, to this new team, but I am not feeling good about it.
It is an office hours team, so what do I do when they are not there?
The women seems very nice, but I am so frightened.
I nealry threw Lydia over abalcony yesterday, and I didnt feel bad about it, i wanted to do it.
I did tell them this.
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Post by yorkslass on Jul 1, 2005 12:00:52 GMT
I know what you mean about the office hours stuff it is a night mere.
I be in chat again tonight if you wanna chat or you have my msn
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
|
Post by Vikki on Jul 1, 2005 12:43:53 GMT
I have just tried to go out, and half way down the road I had the overwhelming feeling to crash the car, not a thought about it, i really wanted to do it. I figured the kids are too little to care and caitlan wouldnt miss me that much, so i called my husband who was no help, and now i am at home and i dont know what to do
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Post by yorkslass on Jul 1, 2005 13:26:17 GMT
hi
Just wanna send you a hug and be a listening ear for you
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Post by newwie on Jul 4, 2005 21:15:57 GMT
Hi I have just been reading your diary not all but the last two pages and wondered are you on any medication at all? And how did you ge thte team to come out and visit you? Does your family know? Sorry if too may questions Newwie
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
|
Post by Vikki on Jul 5, 2005 7:28:23 GMT
Hi Newwie
I take 20mg of fluoxetine
2mg of Risperidone ( Anti Psychotic)
My mum and dad know everything, and they have been such a help to me, I didnt think they would be, but they have really surprised me.
The anti psychotic really helps with the hallucinations, i still get a feww, but they are much less ditressing now.
The intervention team have taken me back, they have been there for about 4 weeks now, which is their limit really, but I am now with another team, who work in a similar way.
I even thought that i might be better off in hospital, and I always have thast to fall back on if things dont get any better, sometimes I feel, like the break from responsibility would do me good.
I hope this helps
Vikki xx
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Vikki
Senior Member
E-mail Support Provider
Mum to 3 children aged 8,7 and 4. Suffered with Psychotic PNI, now thnkfully recovered.
Posts: 313
|
Post by Vikki on Jul 5, 2005 7:32:56 GMT
I realised I didnt answer one of your questions
I went to the gp after telling my dad things were bad, I worte everything down and my dad came to the gp with me.
As soon as he read what I had wriiteen he called my psychiatirist and he organsied the team to come.
I think Verotee said you can call NHS direct and tell them you are in crisis and they will sort something out too.
Your parents may be more understanding then you expect
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