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Post by yoyo on Apr 5, 2006 13:22:00 GMT
You are doing really well Marion - PNI is a really nasty illness that affects absolutely everything you have. One day this will all be over but for now you've just got to find what gets you through each day. You will get better - I know this sounds unbelievable (I hated my CPN for saying this all the time) but it IS true. When you are down it can feel like a huge hole you're sat in and you just want to scream but can't manage to somehow. It sounds like you've been struggling for a long while now and unfortunately as you've found it gets no easier to deal with. Good days will come your way soon enough - just little glimmers of the 'old you' will appear but please please please get all the help you can to get you through this tough time.
Make sure you talk about how you are feeling whenever you can, it can really help. DO you manage to get out of the house at all? It can be so difficult but even if you just sit in your garden for a few minutes the change of scene may just help a little.
You are a great mum - looking after your little one so well whilst you feel so dreadful x
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Post by marion on Apr 5, 2006 14:02:12 GMT
Thanks Yoyo. Dont feel like a great mum. Hardly been able to smile or anything with Chloe today. Found it hard to change her nappy and feed her but I have. People probably think I shoud be with her instead of writing on here but I only write on here when she's asleep or playing next to me so I'm not ignoring her and it helps me to write how I'm feeling - felels like I have someone to talk to whilst I'm here on my own. Normally I try to get us out the house for at least a walk each day. Ventrued out to the dr's yesterday for my blood test but today I cant go out. The sun is too bright and it hurts my eyes to look at it. I also feel like I might be sick so am having as calmer day as poss. Am scared for tomorrow but will just have to get through it like I am today. Am scared about seeing my dr - what if he thinks I should be hospitalised again. Am scared.....
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Apr 5, 2006 17:45:34 GMT
hi marion. your not moaning at all we all hear to listen and support each other. thinking of you.
sending you a big hug!!
love hannah xx
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Post by marion on Apr 5, 2006 19:16:17 GMT
Thanks Hannah - big hug greatfully received!
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Post by marion on Apr 6, 2006 7:19:12 GMT
Last night was awlful - all I could do was cry - cried myself to sleep. Was scared to go to sleep as was scared of waking up this morning but am glad to say am feeling better again this morning. Still feel very tired but my mood feels better, almost euphoric which I think is because it feels such a contrast to yesterday. Thanks to everyone for their lovely posts yesterday and sorry for being so negative - think it was the lowest I;ve ever felt, but I always think that when I'm bad and I just couldnt see any way out or any positives in anything anyone said to me. So proud that I got through the day on my own - Mark came home from work slughtly earlier (at4.45) but by then I'd managed all the hardest taks of the day for me such as feeding CHloe. This was the first time I'd had such a bad day and been on my own and I managed.
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Post by susanneb1984 on Apr 6, 2006 10:34:44 GMT
Good on you for managing, please don't apologise for been negative, the main thing is you had support and people to talk too.
Hope today goes well Susanne xxxx
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Post by cheshire on Apr 6, 2006 10:49:44 GMT
Hi Marion, Well done for getting through the day. There will come a day when you don't have to think about getting through it - it will get better How are you finding things today? HopefulXX
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Post by marion on Apr 6, 2006 11:21:50 GMT
Hi Hopeful Things arent great - still got tingly head and feel I could cry but not as bad as yesterday. My CPN has called to check on me and confirm I can still make the app with my psych. He said he has had a long talk with the dr and told him he thinks I am very depressed and talked about my tabs. Am scared and anxious now that they are going to try and lock me up agian. My app is at 2.30 so I will let you know how I do unless I've been commited! Would laugh if Ididnt feel it was so possible....... If youdont hear from me that's what's happened. Oh I could cry.
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Post by yoyo on Apr 6, 2006 11:44:07 GMT
We're all with you hun x x
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Post by cheshire on Apr 6, 2006 16:18:12 GMT
Hi Marion
Thinking of you just now XXXXXX
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Apr 6, 2006 16:18:18 GMT
hi marion. good for you hun for coping throught your hard day
thinking of you love hannah xx
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Post by marion on Apr 6, 2006 16:50:12 GMT
Well I saw my dr and it was awlful. I hate him and now feel terrible - stupid and like I've made a fuss about nothing. In short he's upped my tablets but didnt think I needed the chlorpromazine - he said I should have gone to the anxiety managment for that. My CPN cam ein with me and did stand up for me though and try to explain how I'd been feeling as I just couldnt explain and felt myself getting more and more anxious. He explained how we hadnt been able to start really on my treatment at home as my concentration had been so bad. The dr asked me if I cold watch tv programmes all the way through and follow them - said Ididnt really have time to but that Icouldnt read. He then asked me about if I'd harmed myself and did I feel suicidal. Told him about the cuts on my arms which he asked to see so I showed him. He asked why I did it - said I didnt know and just couldnt explain. He then said "why are you doing all this cutting? Do you want to die and leave your baby!" I said that no, of course I didnt. He asked why I hadnt gone to the anxiety management that they had referredme for - I tried explaining that I couldnt get to it - that my husband couldnt get away from work early enough for 8 weeks in a row and that there was no one else who could look after Chloe and how I couldnt get there as I didnt drive. My CPN said that he is trying to sort ot anxiety managment at home for me. Told him had really bad day yesterday and told him about this week (anxiety day monday/deep depression tues and wed but slighlty better today). He asked me how long the bad patches lasted - said that I didnt really know, that someimtes I would feel ok for a couple of days but then I woud get allspcaey and feel low again, but that even on my good days everything was a struggle. He said that if I had proper depression I would feel low all the time. My CPN pointed out that I had had a lot to deal with recently and the dr spouted out the same line - having a baby is a life changing thing and it is a big adjustment - I KNOW!!!!!!!!!! So it must be normal to feel like you want to kill yourself on a regualr basis then - it's just part of having a baby. I am so upset - I dont know what I wanted him to say really - just show some compassion. I felt like crying in there. When I came out my CPN warned me I might feel sick with the higher dose of tablets - he said some other stuff too but I just cant think what. I coldnt speak - said I would see him on monday. I then had to sit in reception for 5 mis as I felt so ill that I thought I was going to faint. My head was tingling and I thought the room was spining. Oh yeah - I had to ask him to do a prescription for the hgiher dose of tabs as I only had 1 left of my lower dose ones - he siad why cant you ask your dr - (had already told him I was seeing him tomorrow for a repeat prescription) do you think your dr wont believe you if you say that your dose has been upped? Then he said - "ok I will write you presciption if it will make it easier for you. " Well thank you very much! My CPN did try to stick up for me - he could see how upset I was and feel glad at least that he seems to take me seriously. He has seen me at home over the last few weeks and seems to undersand me a little better than my dr. Feel rotten. He said more and it will probably come back to me throughout the evening so will probably add more then
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Apr 6, 2006 17:36:35 GMT
hi Marion. your doctor sounds like a idiot. if your not feeling good and need your tablets upping then why is he being such a moaner about doing it. glad your c.p.n was there for you and stood up for you. p.n.i is hard enough to get through, with your doctor being like this no wonder your feeling terrible. thinking of you sweetie don't push yourself to much, do what you can
big bear hugs for you
love Hannah xx
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Post by marion on Apr 7, 2006 7:14:39 GMT
Feel really sick today and my head keeps swimming - think it's the higher dose. Supposed to go to mother and baby group today but cant face it. Feel awlful and down.
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Post by Veritee on Apr 7, 2006 9:23:40 GMT
Dear Marion No wonder you are feeling down and unsupported by your Dr! I agree totally with Hannah and also that your doctor does not seem to have any understanding or knowledge of PNI.. But this is not that unusual - but more shockingly he has no understanding about self harm either - and this is unacceptable for someone in his position. What on earth is he talking about - self harm has noting to do with suicide and wanting to die or leave your child etc!!! You might or might not have these feelings too, but this statement is not relevant to self harm at all. And also his comment that if you had 'proper' depression you would feel down all the time?? Is this not the point - you do not have depression, you have PNI and depression is only one of the symptoms of PNI and anxiety is a more prevalent one - is he still thinking of PNI in terms of the old understanding i.e PND??? - perhaps you can tell him to contact the Marce society about how they view PNI or APNI or tell him about the new research into the anxiety factor It is worrying if he is also trying to say that if your main symptom is anxiety and not depression all the time - then you are not ill? I really do not know what to suggest except get a second opinion or try to change your doctor as this is not helpful to you - or educate him - print out some things on this form where women are saying very clearly that extreme anxiety is a major feature rather than depression - that and what if thoughts or even more disturbing thoughts etc Thank goodness your CPN seems to be a lot better informed and while not perfect he is beginning to understand your needs and difficulties Having the anxiety management at home might be a real help. All I can say Marion is that many of us have had this same ignorance .. I sometimes think that collectively on here we know far more than the majority of medical professionals on PNI or perinatal mental health in general I just wish they would listen to us - the women who have or are suffering it . But what I found was to use the help that was appropriate and ignore those who did not know and would not listen to me and learn VeriteeXX
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