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Post by marion on Jun 16, 2006 18:59:48 GMT
Hi K Your hv sounds very good - that's a great idea bout the box thing. I might try that too!
How old is S - sure you've probably said how old she is but I think I've missed it? Chloe, my littel girl is 9mths old - lovely but hard work!
Love Marion.
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 17, 2006 21:09:11 GMT
Had a better today today - hooray! This morning I was anxious and didn't want anything to do with S (she's 9.5 months old, incredibly active and curious, but then what baby isn't?!), I didn't want to give her breakfast so I asked my husband to do some of it for me. Then I had the day away from S while I worked on our new house (we're planning to move in a month or so) with my husband and it was nice to work together with him on something with a common goal. By the time we got back S was in bed asleep (my parents looked after her today) and I have to admit I was a little bit sad not to see her so I snuck in about half an hour ago and had a little peek (not something I ever normally do, once she's in bed I don't see her until she wakes up). I actually wanted to see her and this is such a huge change for me. I don't feel a bond with her and I'm not even sure I could honestly say I love her, but maybe that's starting to change. Like Chica has written, I had more of a bond with her in my tummy than I do now. Still, a good day is a good day and I want to hold onto that and hope to have the same tomorrow.
K
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Post by cheshire on Jun 18, 2006 19:34:25 GMT
Glad you had a better day
Hopefulxxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 19, 2006 8:52:24 GMT
Feeling anxious again this morning. Got S on my own this morning at home and then out this afternoon (going to see my granny and then going swimming). I find it easier if I keep busy with S, its being at home on my own with her that's hardest, although I do worry about coping when we're out and about and really hope that she behaves. Weekend was ok. Had a row with J (my husband) yesterday and got really really angry, but I turned it all in on myself. I felt very low and just wanted to disappear again, but I managed to stop myself feeling like that and we're friends again now. Seeing the counsellor for the first time tomorrow and not sure how I feel about that. Not really sure where to start with all I want to talk about, guess I just need to see how it goes really. Got to get through today first, one hour at a time. S is sleeping now but I don't know what to do with myself. Got lots of jobs to do but I just can't be bothered (again). It really feels like one-step-forward, two-steps-back at the moment.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 20, 2006 8:15:56 GMT
Feeling very anxious and agitated this morning, can feel the adrenalin rushing through my body and its horrible. not sure if i feel like this just because, or because I'm seeing the counsellor today for the first time. I have no idea where to start, what to say, how to get help. I also think I've got a lot riding on this, what if I can't work with her? where next? mum and dad were trying to find out more about how I feel last night and its just horrible because I know they can't possibly understand and they look hurt when I tell them that I don't love S and that I would give her away. That said, I do feel like there is a glimmer of hope. A couple of times in the last few days I've almost enjoyed being close to S and that's much better than it was.
Got to go now, but have so much more swimming round my head. Argghhhhhh
K
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Post by marion on Jun 20, 2006 8:30:24 GMT
Good luck with the counsellor. I had my 1st session with one last fri - was SO worried about it but it was good and will be really beneficial. Let us know how you do. Love Marion.
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 20, 2006 20:25:52 GMT
Session with counsellor was ok. She listened and started to unravel some of the balls of wool in my head. I felt quite empty afterwards, and not really sure what (if anything) had come out of it. I'm so desperate for help and I know counselling takes time, but I had still hoped to feel a little bit better. On the plus side I did cry a little which is the first time I've shed a tear in 4 weeks since I broke down at the health centre. I want to cry, but the tears won't usually come. I did cry today when I was telling her how low I'd been feeling and that I'd started to think that the only way out was to end it all. To be honest, I'm not sure what stops me from running away or ending it all, but something does keep me here.
Am really tired now and have promised myself I'll pack one box each night for our move in a month's time but I really really really can't be bothered so I think I might have to give up for today. The box looks huge and I just want to curl up in a corner and disappear again. Can only hope that things might look a little bit brighter in the morning.
K
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Post by cheshire on Jun 20, 2006 21:33:31 GMT
Hi K
Just to send you a hugxx
I agree, counselling is hard and it does take time. I was told I was a diffiult 'nut to crack' - I just wanted to be well and couldn't be doing with showing emotions etc. Eventually I did though, but had to feel trust first. It did really help me in the end. I am not 100% well at all, but I am further on than I have ever been and I can reflect back to what we talked about, the strategies, the empathy and it really helps. Here anytime you fancy a chat Thinking of you Love Hopefulxxxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 21, 2006 8:35:10 GMT
Thanks Hopeful.
I'm not sure how I'm feeling this morning at all really. Was feeling very down when I woke up, and anxious about having S on my own all morning, but J (my husband) stayed home a bit longer and that helped (although he is very down too, but not about S). I just wish I had a magic wand and I could wave all of this away. I'm sick of not being me and of feeling so rubbish. I really scared myself last week feeling so bad that I thought of ending it all - I'd never felt that bad before, I always thought there was a glimmer of hope. Its almost as if, now that I've seen down into that depths I keep catching glimpses of it. Then there are moments when I feel better and am able to function more like normal me (whoever she is). I managed to get off my backside last night and pack another box and it does make me feel just a tiny fraction better until all the rubbish voices say to me that its nothing great and then I feel rubbish again. I hate being so out of control and feeling completely ruled by my head. Its taking over and it makes me hate my life and being with my little one.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 21, 2006 20:56:17 GMT
up and down and round about. no idea how i feel. going to london tomorrow for a couple of days to see my sister's art degree show. don't want to go, because i know coming back will be hard, and i don't think people will want to see me anyway. staying with friends and feeling guilty about imposing on them. scared that i won't miss s, scared that i won't want to come back. scared that i won't enjoy being away and still won't feel like myself and don't want to leave j alone at all, especially with s. i know i'll get there, but i'm feeling very small and frightened.
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 22, 2006 9:07:58 GMT
feeling a tiny bit better this morning, still very anxious about going, but J has told me I have to go so I suppose I don't have a choice, just have to battle all the negative thoughts in my mind and hope that logic (for once) wins out.
K
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Post by cheshire on Jun 26, 2006 9:12:10 GMT
Just wondering how things are with you K - did you go to London?
Love Hopefulxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 27, 2006 21:24:35 GMT
Think this is the first time I've had to sit down and write for myself in days. I think (very cautiously) that things might be getting slightly better and the anti d's might finally be starting to work. I've had a few days with better patches in them, although things are still not plain sailing by any stretch of the imagination. I went to London and, although I was working there before I had S, I found myself feeling very vulnerable and insecure, watching everyone fearfully and trying to anticipate what bad things they might do to me (mainly stabbing me with needles). It was a horrible feeling, but J (my husband) has suggested that maybe I was just transferring how I feel in general at the moment into a different environment. I suppose that's true, I just hadn't realised that I was feeling so small and vulnerable just now, like my own daughter is out to get me (which I know she isn't logically, because she's only 10 months old and can't think like that). I've started to explore this with my counsellor and came to the realisation today, completely out of the blue in my session with her that its all connected with being date raped in the past (which I've had counselling for previously, but I hadn't made the connection). I'm scared of getting close to my own daughter in case she hurts me. Realising this has been really profound and I know there's a lot more exploring to do, but today I didnt have the strength to go any deeper or to start to think about how to see things differently.
I'm also very worried about my husband. I'm fairly convinced he has depression and I think he's starting to come to terms with that himself, but he won't go and get help. I was so worried about him on Sunday I didn't want to leave him alone because I was worried that he would do something to harm himself. I don't know what I can do to help him, because I just don't have enough of me left at the moment to support him. I love him so much and it hurts to see him so down, but I don't know what to do to help him. My counsellor knows and so does the HV, but she called me yesterday to say she's off sick and will be for 2 weeks and then she's off on holiday. Luckily she caught me in the good bit of yesterday, before I got really down, and she is trying to arrange alternative support for me, but 4 weeks feels like a really long time and she was really helping me so it does feel like I've had the rug pulled from under my feet a bit. Still, I guess I'll just have to keep hanging on. I'm still filling every hour of every day and am totally exhausted, but little by little I will beat this thing and get to a place where I can be happy again.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 28, 2006 8:40:51 GMT
Had a really productive evening yesterday and then have been feeling down again this morning, really nervous and anxious. I have S on my own til lunchtime then J is taking us to a friend's house for the rest of the day. S was tired so I put her down for her nap early and I was so relieved. To make things worse, J has taken the pushchair with him so I'm stranded at home. The only thing I can think to do when S wakes up is let her go in the babywalker out in the garden while I hang up the washing, but I'm not sure that's safe. I just feel all full of butterflies and a sicky anxious feeling. I thought I was getting better but now it feels like I still can't cope. Will I ever be able to enjoy spending time with S and not feel so threatened in my own home?
K
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Post by cheshire on Jun 28, 2006 8:50:36 GMT
Hi K,
Yes, you will feel less like a prisoner in your own home and you will enjoy S - it's the illness that makes you feel this way but it does get betterxxx It takes time and the road to recovery is pretty up and down, but I can honestly say that I am really enjoying both of my children at the moment and it feels good. I don't know whether it is my recovery that has improved things or the fact that my son is that bit older now and I'm much less anxious. Either way, it's much better and will be for you tooxx
Thinking of you, Hopefulxxx
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