kb
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Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 28, 2006 20:23:54 GMT
Thanks Hopeful.
This afternoon was actually much better. We came closer to having fun than I remember ever having with her and I would almost say that we had a good time. My friend noticed a big difference in me so I guess I'm on a slight up at the moment. Have got a day working on our new house tomorrow while S is at nursery so that will give me a break and hopefully make me feel more positive as long as the 'can't be bothered' thoughts stay away. An early night is definitely what I need because I think I get much more down when I'm tired.
Glad to know there's someone out there thinking about me.
K
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Post by cheshire on Jun 29, 2006 10:45:45 GMT
Hi K
Hope today goes well at the new house Glad you had a good time with S yesterdayxx
Love Hopefulx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 29, 2006 21:20:31 GMT
Not really sure what kind of day I've had today, a bit mixed. I've been very short tempered with S today, unable to tolerate her crying or whinging at all which is a bit of bad timing as she's teething at the moment so isnt particularly cheery. Luckily I didn't actually see her for much of today. I'm still finding feeding her a real struggle and I know that my negativity wears off on her. Today she hardly had any breakfast and no solids at dinner time and I really don't know if its her teeth or if its me. Now I'm convinced she's going to wake up during the night when she has been sleeping through for the last 5 weeks. I just feel that my energy levels are not nearly high enough to cope with a 10 month old baby.
I did manage to help out a bit at the new house today and have been there this evening, the only problem being then I start to resent S a little bit because otherwise I would be able to work more on the house and help get it finished, but its not her fault really, she didn't ask to be born.
Tomorrow's another day, hopefully it will be a good one 'cause today's not been good or bad, just indifferent really.
K
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Post by cheshire on Jun 29, 2006 22:46:13 GMT
Hi K,
Teething is the pits and I know what you mean about the frustration of feeding - and that they 'don't' & then you worry if you're doing the job right and whether they'll then sleep or be up all night - again.......... It is not a satisfying experience feeding them when they're this age , and used to be when I got most upset (feeding when teething - aghhhh!). Sometimes I literally felt as if I could not feed him when I had PNI at it's worst- and when he was teething too - I so wanted someone else to do it..
Anyway, I cheated - he liked yoghurts, ice cream and bread/ breadsticks when like this - I don't care what the HVs say!!
Anyway, big hugs, hope tomorrow is not too bad for you
Hopefulxxxxxxxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 2, 2006 18:37:17 GMT
Its been a busy weekend. Am starting to feel like the pills might be working, but its not all uphill by any stretch of the imagination. S was at my parents yesterday and overnight so we could work on the new house which we did and that was good, but when she came back today we put her in the car to take her home and she cried lots because she was so tired. I felt right back where I started again, I really wanted to be anywhere other than with her. I also was really really angry with her on Friday because she would not stop screaming in the car - I really thought if I stopped the car I might smother her. I managed to keep going and eventually she went to sleep. I just don't know what to do when she gets like that, I just don't have the energy to cope.
I'm really tired now, we were very late last night and I have to go back and do more after dinner. It helps me to feel better because we're getting there slowly, but I also find it so hard to get motivated. One step at a time I suppose.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 4, 2006 18:11:58 GMT
Today's been a bit down again. S was up at 5.30 although I managed to get her to go back to sleep but it still meant I am knackered after a few late nights at the new house. I then had a bad dream about friends of mine not wanting anything to do with me and it really upset me, not so much because they didn't want to have anything to do with me (in the dream they sent me away so they could be together without me) but more because when I woke up I could totally believe that could happen. I don't like me at the moment so why would anyone else want to spend time with me?
Had my third counselling appointment today and although it was useful i feel like I've spent all my time tugging on the ends of the different balls of wool in my head and they're all starting to unravel but they are so tangled and so full of knots that it doesn't feel like I'll ever manage to unravel them. The counsellor suggested that a lot of my challenges are due to my self identity and my changing roles and perceptions. She's also tapped into the fact that I'm desperately seeking comfort and security for myself but at the moment I dont know where to find it and what form it will take. It helps to know that, but it doesn't make me feel any better. It feels like I'm going to be in counselling for a long time yet (last time I had counselling I had it every week for 2 years).
On the plus side J seems to be a little bit better (touch wood) so that's one less thing to worry about.
I'm already in my pyjamas (got changed as soon as S went to bed) and desperately want to have a really early night and just hide away, but we haven't had dinner yet and the kitchen is a health hazard and I know I should summon the energy to at least sort the milk bottles for S and her food for tomorrow but I just don't know if I'll be able to find the energy when I'm so desperate to curl up in a corner and hide. I feel so small.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 4, 2006 18:26:53 GMT
Also just been thinking about how much I want and need to cry, but somehow the tears just won't come out. The HV said that the meds can do that sometimes. I had one tear from each eye roll down my face this morning, but it feels like there's an ocean in there and its just building and building.
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Post by cheshire on Jul 4, 2006 19:58:11 GMT
Hi KB, Such early mornings I found so hard, as I knew I needed more sleep to cope (as I struggled to sleep at all early on and 6am was my time to finally nod off). All I can say is that one day, you will be pestering your little one to get up (I have an older daughter who would happily sleep on and on - esp. when it's school. - we're often late ) I found counselling hard to start with - I like the analogy to balls of wool. I have also likened it to someone stirring up some deep seated mud, which then 'muddies the water' - and left me feeling a bit strange for a little while. But ultimately, talking therapy helped alot and in fact, think I use the strategies/ insight more now than during the course itself. It has a long term impactxx I think I know what you mean about finding that security. I too used to find the chores completely overwhelming - meals, milk bottles and for some reason, washing and ironing (used to find this to be quite therapeutic before children). Anyway, I hope this is not too garbled - but I understand the feeling of wanting to curl up. I often did to be honest and my husband had little choice but to take over completely. I know it might be on the list of 'what women with PNI don't want to hear', but I can assure you it does get better (the little ones get easier with time too/ different challenges, but easier). Sending you a hug & hope you get some rest Hopefulxxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 5, 2006 9:15:31 GMT
Thanks Hopeful and for the hug, I appreciate it.
Feeling fairly agitated today. Got S on my own this morning and J has just phoned me cos he's worried about money. We're trying to finish building our house and I'm off on mat leave until the end of August. The money is running very dry and I'm tempted to be an ostrich about it. Am looking online for loans now to see us through til I go back to work, but I know it really stresses him out and that makes me stressed because I'm worried he'll spiral into depression again (he's not sought help for it yet). I really wish that S would sleep for the rest of the morning because, as much as I don't want to face this money thing, I know its not going to go away and I can't investigate the options when she's awake.
The kitchen's still a health hazard, I don't know what I'm going to give S for lunch (thank goodness she ate quite a bit of ready brek at breakfast so I didn't have to fight with her). Am still knackered and still want to cry, but so sign of relief for either. Could someone make the world stop for a week so that I could take some time for sleeping please?
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 5, 2006 20:32:37 GMT
Well I've been quite manic tonight, J is out working on the new house and I've dashed around doing loads of things, but it hasn't really made me feel any better. The kitchen now looks a bit better - I swept the floor, but didn't mop it. I've sorted food for S for tomorrow so I don't need to worry about that in the morning and I've done some odd bits and pieces that need done. In the past I've done things to take my mind of my bad thoughts, but this evening it doesn't seem to have helped. I'm just totally knackered and want to go to sleep (already in my pyjamas but at the moment that's what happens every night as soon as S is in bed).
I'm worried that I'm only skimming the surface with my counsellor. I feel like there is so much mud to trawl through and that I'm not actually going to get through it all. She's said that she won't abandon me, but there must come a point where she will have had enough of me and want me to stop going. I'm also obsessing about little things like something small I said to my friend this afternoon which I'm sure she didn't even notice but I'm now really worried that she'll be ofended by what i said and I want to make amends but I'm too scared to broach the subject. My logical mind knows that its no deal but my little me says that its something that will make her not like me. At the moment I don't understand how anyone could like me and want to spend time with me. I know I don't.
I'm seeing the doc tomorrow and I really don't know what to say. I thought the meds were working, but now I'm really not sure. I'm not feeling suicidal like I was and I do feel that things are a little bit more stable, but I've been taking them for 5 weeks now and I still don't feel like me or even happy. How long do I keep taking them before I feel normal or will that never happen?
Now I've written loads again and I don't feel like I've really said anything. I do find writing helps, but I'm scared to read back what I've written in case it makes me feel even worse. I still want to run away, but there's nowhere to run to - the guilt would follow me, and I just feel like I can't leave, but I don't want to stay either. S is trying so hard to be amusing and cute and I can see that she is funny but I feel no more attachment to her than I do to any other baby. I don't even call her 'mine', she's 'the baby' or I use her name. I don't deserve this cra*p* illness, I wanted to enjoy being a mum but I don't.
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 8, 2006 20:06:32 GMT
Been too tired to write anything the past few days. This hasn't been a great week but I did see the doc on Thurs and he managed to convince me that things were slightly better than they had been and I was moving in the right direction (slowly). He's great at listening and I do genuinely feel he cares. I'm going back to see him in 2 weeks because I felt I could cope til then if I see the counsellor this week.
Yesterday was a good day. I had lunch with two friends and their babies and I was really looking forward to it. It was so nice to see them and it also helped to not have S on my own. Today hasn't been so good, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I was awake a lot in the night and had lots of dreams so I was tired which doesn't make things easier. I'm feeling kind of middling tonight but I'm really tired and I'm going to go to bed now. There are lots of things I should do but I can't be bothered. Realised today I've not had invasive thoughts for a little while. S has been really grumpy today. She got stung by a wasp this morning which was horrible and she's also got bad nappy rash. I actually felt quite sorry for her which I think is a good sign, she also seems to get some comfort from being with me. I find that hard to handle because I don't want her to be dependent on me, but its also sort of nice that she likes me, I just feel out of control and scared of how I feel about her and our relationship.
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Post by cheshire on Jul 9, 2006 8:49:32 GMT
Hi KB,
Great to hear you're having some good days too nowxx
Hopefulxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 10, 2006 8:14:57 GMT
Hmmm, and then the bad days came back again. Yesterday was fairly horrible. I got up ok but then when I was giving S her breakfast I just started being totally irrational, I didn't want anything to do with her, felt so angry and frustrated even though she wasn't doing anything. I just wanted away from her. I felt awful and guilty but I was really fuming. Luckily my mother in law was looking after S for the day and J & I went to work on the new house. J managed to pick me up a bit and the day wasn't too bad, but then in the evening I couldn't get rid of the thoughts that I'm a bad mother. I don't give S enough time, I don't prioritise her and when things are bad I just want rid of her. She deserves to have a better mother than me, someone who can care for her properly. Not someone who is scared of her like I am.
Today I'm home alone until at least 2pm with no car and its really scary. S is asleep just now but I don't know where I'll find the energy to cope from when she wakes up. I'm not sleeping well again - I thought the citalopram had helped that but its got worse again and I'm so tired I just want to curl up and sleep for the day.
My mother in law has taken our dog for a few days which is a huge help, but there are still so many things that I should be doing and I just can't be bothered. I hate feeling so up and down like this although I suppose I should be glad that I am having some better days now.
Roll on bed time.
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jul 10, 2006 19:59:06 GMT
Today started out so horribly, but I managed to fight it and get off my backside and do some tidying etc. I also coped with S and only came close to losing it this afternoon when she was screaming in the car. Went to see a friend this afternoon which was nice. I'm just worried that she'll get fed up of me.
Have taken natural sleep remedies and am going to be in bed by 10pm and I really really hope I get more sleep. Have counselling tomorrow and I'm not sure where I want to go in my journey tomorrow.
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Post by erinjane on Jul 10, 2006 20:26:35 GMT
Its just so hard been a mum isnt it. I get those feelings with the kids to. Somtimes cant even look at them and i feel so bad about it. Its just part of this horrible illness, but your not alone with it,as ive learnt since i joined the last week before that i thought i was loosin it!anyway glad you feel a little better. fingers crossed you sleep well.. erin xx
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