kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 12, 2006 10:27:54 GMT
I've been thinking about starting a diary for a while now, but not got round to it. I'm having another bad day today and I need help but I don't know where to turn. I feel spacey and anxious again and light headed. I want to cry but I don't feel I can. I want to run but I can't leave. I wish life was normal, but I don't even know what that's like any more.
I thought that the meds were starting to help, but now I'm not so sure. I've been taking them for 2 and a half weeks now and I still feel rotten, I don't have any energy, I'm totally exhausted and I want to run away all the time. I hate being a mum and I don't feel any bond with my daughter.
I'm waiting to hear back about seeing a counsellor and a psychologist, but I don't know when that will be. The hv keeps saying it will be soon, but every hour feels like a lifetime at the moment. I just can't see a way out. Its four weeks since I saw the GP and if anything I feel worse not better. I don't want to call my friends because I feel guilty for pestering them. They know I'm not well, but I keep thinking I must be rotten company just now and they're only seeing me because they feel they have to.
I want to curl up in a corner and disappear. Will it ever go away?
Kirsty
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Post by yoyo on Jun 12, 2006 11:30:49 GMT
Hi kb, sorry for hijacking your diary but what you say could have been written by me when I first joined this site! I'm not just saying that x Please try and give the meds time - it took me around 5 weeks to feel the full benefit of the tabs and in the meantime I was a bit worse x Please please if you feel you need some company phone your friends etc , I know you feel like rotten company becuase you're not yourself but I'm sure that you would do the same for them if they were struggling x x
This WILL go away one day, I won;t lie to you, it's a frustrating road to recovery but when the fog lifts (and that's how it feels) life feels so light & it really is worth the wait x x You will begin to bond with your little one - I found this to be personally the hardest part, I was slogging my guts out for a little bundle that I should be proud of and all gushy over but I desperately wanted someone to take him away and look after him like a 'proper' mum should. I don't feel like this now (or very seldom and then only momentary) and can actually feel things for him. You will be ok x x x x x Keep talking x
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 13, 2006 7:43:04 GMT
Thanks yoyo, feeling a teensy bit better this morning, still anxious and really down, but my little one is in nursery today so at least I don't have to find the energy to cope with her. I'm seeing the health visitor on Friday, but I really don't know if I can cope until then. I have nothing planned for tomorrow and the thought terrifies me. It does help to know that you've been through the same thing and that you do now feel for your little person. I feel exactly how you describe it, I just want someone to take her away and look after her properly. Someone to love her because I can't and don't.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 13, 2006 18:51:18 GMT
Still feeling bad, I think I've got much worse since I saw the psychiatrist 3 weeks ago. My thoughts about my daughter have been more violent today and I've also been thinking about how I can escape from it all without having to have any pain. I've never had thoughts like that before, I always thought there was something worth living for, but now I'm not so sure. I just want all of this to go away and life to be back to normal again. I don't know how I'll cope tomorrow with her on my own all day. I don't have the strength to fight this. I thought the meds were helping but now I don't know anymore and I can't carry on getting worse and not having any light at the end of the tunnel. Am seeing the GP on Thursday and I will try to call and see if the counsellor can see me soon tomorrow. I just find it so hard to do anything just now. Why am I not getting better?
K
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Post by marion on Jun 13, 2006 19:02:00 GMT
Hi K Do make sure you ask for all the help you can get - that's what I've been doing lately as I'm not coping on my own. Remember there's always people around on here in the day and I'll be around tomorow if you need a friendly ear to bend. Take care and stay strong, Love Marion.
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 14, 2006 8:09:44 GMT
Thanks Marion
Am trying really really hard to stay positive today, even though it feels like everything is conspiring against me. My husband had to go out at 7.15 this morning and he's coming back at lunchtime so that I can have the car this afternoon (we live in the middle of nowhere) so I'm not totally stranded. I just need to cope until lunchtime and then I can go out and at least that takes some of the pressure off me having to entertain my daughter (as long as she doesn't cry because I can't cope with the noise if she does - especially in public). She's just gone down for a nap but is grumping a bit, and I'm really hoping that she does sleep so that I can have a short break.
I am going to try to call the people about counselling to see when they might be able to see me. I don't want to chase - I already feel like I'm wasting people's time and I should just be able to cope on my own, but I can't and its been 4 weeks since I first saw the GP and asked for help. I sometimes just wish that they would put me in hospital so that I would be looked after and I wouldn't have to worry about my little girl because I would know she would be safe. I hate feeling like this, so down and deeply unhappy. Being a mum should be fun but it isn't.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 14, 2006 8:59:45 GMT
Got an appointment to see a counsellor on Tuesday next week. I know it won't be easy or fix everything, but at least I will get some help now I hope. Still not feeling good but there is a glimmer of hope.
K
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Post by cheshire on Jun 14, 2006 11:04:40 GMT
Hi K
I found talking therapy really helpful - it was hard work at times, but worth it.
Let us know how you get on?
Love Hopefulxxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 14, 2006 19:26:16 GMT
Thanks Hopeful.
This afternoon has been a bit better. I went out and saw two of my friends who have babies and they really are fab. I feel guilty for pestering them, but I would want to be there for them if anything happened to them. Had some strange thoughts today. I keep expecting to see strange bugs creeping out of places, like the washing pile or from under the cushions. It feels very real, but I know its not. I'm tired now, being with friends helps but its exhausting to try and be positive.
Am seeing the GP tomorrow so will see what he says about the meds. How do I know if they're working? When would they decide that they weren't or that I needed a higher dose?
K
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Post by marion on Jun 15, 2006 9:09:01 GMT
HI K How've you got on at the dr's? I think they give it a few weeks and if there's no or little improvement on the dose you've started on then they up the dosage. Remember to be honest with how you're really feeling and then they will be able to know how best to help you. How're you doing today? Love Marion.
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 15, 2006 18:49:44 GMT
Doing better this evening than I was during the day. Doc was very reassuring, said to give the meds another few weeks and things should improve. He didn't seem worried about me which I found reassuring cos I was honest with him about how low I've been and the thoughts I've been having. He also didn't seem phased by my thoughts about bugs yesterday, although he did call it hallucinations which hadn't really occured to me. One step at a time and I will get there, am feeling ok at the moment but I have a feeling that the thought of another 3 - 5 weeks of bumping along the bottom might feel like a long time over the coming days and weeks. Am glad I have this board to write about how I feel, somehow its easier than talking.
Thanks for listening.
K
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Post by marion on Jun 15, 2006 18:53:52 GMT
Hi K Glad you got on ok with dr - I get mild hallucinatons too - see my daughter with red eyes occassionaly but I guess it's all part of pnd. Scary thoguh when you hear them called hallucinations as, I dont know bout you, but I alwyas put them with 'really serious' mental illness??? (not for one second am I not calling pnd a serious illness but ou know what I mena dont you?) But my dr/cpn wasnt overly worried either - it's just part of it and will go in time. Love Marion.
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 15, 2006 19:51:29 GMT
Thanks marion, I know exactly what you mean! PND is serious, but somehow I don't want to categorise myself as 'seriously crackers' just yet and hallucinantions seems to go one step further in that direction, what with that and the health visitor saying I was 'a wee bit psychotic' I'm starting to doubt my sanity big-time.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 16, 2006 9:17:57 GMT
Am all over the shop today. Woke up feeling anxious. S (my little girl) was sick yesterday and I was worried that she would still be ill today and how I'd cope with her being upset if my husband wasn't around. I don't like to see her ill, but I also don't feel overwhelming love for her so it makes caring for her more difficult. She is actually much better today, so the anxiety dropped a bit, and I was able to be quite positive, did some things around the house for the first time in ages (like hoovering and tidying up a bit) and now I'm waiting for the hv to arrive and am feeling quite down again. My little one is sleeping and I know if I sit down and do nothing I'll descend back into despair but I also haven't got the inclination to do anything - its a horrible feeling. Am trying so hard to be positive, hope the hv arrives soon so I can distract myself and talk to her about how I've felt this week.
K
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 16, 2006 18:27:20 GMT
Feeling quite a bit better this evening, had quite a good day. Hv was very late, but well worth the wait. She's challenged me about why I think S doesn't like me, and we talked about how, if I believe that then maybe that makes it easier for me to think about running away. If I believed she did like me and that I mattered to her, then maybe it would be harder and maybe i don't want someone to depend on me to that extent. Its a challenging thought, but I think there is some truth in it, only problem is I don't know what to do now! We also talked about feeling low the rest of this week and what I can do for the next time that happens to help me feel better. She suggested having a box of little cards with things to do and then I can tell myself I have to do one of them. It might have things like have a bath, look at some photo albums, listen to cheery music, go for a walk etc. I'm generally good at doing things I feel I should, so I think it might be an idea. Is also a good use for S's first shoe box!
Am determined to have a good weekend, and a good evening tonight. I will fight this thing and win, even if it has to be one step at a time and even if it doesn't happen overnight.
K
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