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Post by helenr on Jan 25, 2007 23:38:34 GMT
Am feeling very tired, in fact absolutely exhausted today. Mum came over earlier to let me lie down 4 hour. Not sure if pni worsening or if because of coil, have been bleeding now 4 5 mnths on & off. Must get Hb checked next week. Although tired, mind wired, am having wine but no I'll have 2 go 2 bed smetime. Its then that the feelings start  . |
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Post by sianyc on Jan 26, 2007 16:08:34 GMT
hey
I had this (and still do occasionally) I use Lush dream time solid bath oil and also the dreamtime temple balm. It helps to relax me and make me really sleepy so I'm asleep before my mind gets chance to race x
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Post by helenr on Jan 26, 2007 21:37:12 GMT
Saw new psych 2day, don't like wish i could have old one back. Told her about diary which she says is really good, but 2 try 2 start from beginning. Don,t know if i can cope with opening all the feelings that i try so hard 2 keep from people. told her about still not sleeping, since hubby gone back 2 work can't take nite meds as won't hear kids. Sitting here own my own again, hubby out. should't really begrudge him as he's been so supportive, but its hard 4 me when i have nothing 2 look 4ward 2. he hasn't been out 4 mnths, but at least he gets a break when he goes 2 work!
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Post by helenr on Jan 27, 2007 22:32:55 GMT
Really down 2day. mum away 2 see family for a week, hubby on nites and feel completely alone. keep thinking i'm getting better, and then this dark cloud hits again and i cant shake it off. after lews bath sat in their bedroom staring at the wall. he new something wasnt rite and gave me lots of hugs, he shouldnt have to console me hes only 2. what if my madness damages him 4 life?, not so much worried about cj as hes only 7mnths. actually if i'm completely honest i dont worry about cj much at all. i'm much better with him, in that i'll now do practical things 4 him and when he smiles and chats it melts my heart, but thats it. it doesnt go any further than that, hes still a gorgeous baby, but then i'd say that if he was anyones. when is this going to end, i dont feel like crying, i think i'm too tired, theres just this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that wont go away. it was a beautiful day and a good mother would take her sons out, but not me, i spent the day tidying but not really accomplishing anything. its really just to make the day go quicker. everyone says enjoy the time you have because they'll be grown up soon, so what kind of a person does that make me?
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Post by yoyo on Jan 28, 2007 9:31:15 GMT
HI helen - sorry for crashing in on your diary but I just wanted to say how well you put your last post - that could have been me a few months back! I too would stay in the house, feel that I ought to be doing this or that with my baby but couldn't be bothered or found other things to occupy my time - or sit and stare at the clock till someone dcame home or rang or somehting.
This illness is awful but it will get better - the fact you feel there are things you should be doing is a positive thing - the blips and up and down stuff is really hard to deal with as it's so frustrating and chaotic - but you will beat this - keep talking and remember we're behind you the whole way - even tiny little things are major advances with this illness x x x
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Post by helenr on Jan 28, 2007 21:02:46 GMT
just received news that a much loved and respected colleague suddenly died yesterday. he leaves behind a young family who must be absolutely devastated, and here i am moaning when i've only had a baby for gods sake! i should just pull myself together and be really thankful for what i have, but i just cant. am going to have to make myself go to the funeral, which will be hard when i struggle to make myself get out of the house at any time. CPN coming 2morrow pm so that will help.
R.I.P Andy.
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Post by sianyc on Jan 30, 2007 21:19:32 GMT
sorry for your loss honey.
How did the CPN visit go?
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Post by helenr on Feb 3, 2007 20:35:07 GMT
Funeral was today, obviously horrendous, but did'nt fall apart.
CPN phoned on Fri am to tell me how proud of me she was for picking up the phone and enquiring about pnd group before she could refer me.
Its amazing how good that made me feel that she would take time out of her busy day to give me a gold star!
If you've read my other thread you'll know about my husband, which has taken the edge off things slightly, but still have this gnawing, heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach that refuses to go away.
L has hit terrible twos with avengence and favourite game at mo is to hit mummy, which i'm taking really personally.
Maybe its his way of getting back at me for being such a bad mummy for the past 7mnths!!!!!!!
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Post by helenr on Feb 4, 2007 22:02:07 GMT
Husband has just read other thread, and is really pleased and quite emotional about it. Really must make more of an effort to show how much i love him everyday. Can't do it in the proper way yet, still have no urges and hate practically everything about myself, but maybe some day soon.
Been out most of day picking mum up from airport, walked in to big hug from L, followed by a thump. Oh well.
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Post by helenr on Feb 5, 2007 22:46:08 GMT
Saw cpn, god shes so wonderful, had a cuppa and a natter. Its not really like shes cpn at all. she has pointed other women to the forum as i keep raving about it, so hopefully will help. she was explaining that although during blips i feel like ive gone back to square one, in reality ive maybe taken a step back and nothing more. fam support team coming tomorrow, not looking forward to it.
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Post by helenr on Feb 6, 2007 20:49:02 GMT
Family support team came today, nowhere near as scary. She had pni herself, and is going to help me take the boys socialising. At least she understands that im not lazy, most times i just cant face going out of the house with, or without the boys.
Very tired again today, and look awful. am now convinced im going through the early menopause! have gp appt tomorrow so well see what she says. am getting really fed up of looking like i do and know that i cant contiue not eating for much longer, but too scared to eat.
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Post by cheshire on Feb 9, 2007 19:27:35 GMT
Hi Helen
How did it go with the GP?
Hopefulx
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Post by helenr on Feb 10, 2007 21:51:01 GMT
Apparently not the menopause, im sure i'll get something else into my head soon.
went to local pnd drop in group on fri, not very structured or nurturing, but i'll give it another go next week. another girl joined at same time as me, baby screaming, and looked like she was going to burst into tears. offered to help, but she wanted to go home, know that feeling well, but not one of the organisers even took notice.
Kids are at least still in bed, both dosed with the cold, but at least its oh last nite shift. - really couldnt handle anymore just now.
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Post by helenr on Feb 11, 2007 22:12:49 GMT
Don'teven know where to start today.
Woke up feeling sick, tired and generally awful, OH came home and said i also looked not well. Decided to let him sleep for a wile and get him up around lunchtime, although didn't last that long.
CJ went for nap as usual, but L wouldn't go today, and i really really needed him to. Ended up giving him a smack and dragging him out of bed! Could'nt have been a sore smack as he just carried on as normal, but not the point. I don't want to be a mum who smacks her kids, its not who i am, but it was today.
CJ then woke up grumpy and i just could'nt handle the two of them. Got OH out of bed, nothing organised for their lunch, and could'nt care less. Sat in the boys bedroom and cried. Really sobbed, havn't done that for such a long time. Poor L kept coming in and stroking my face and giving me hugs, its so unfair on him, hes a child and should'nt be comforting me. OH put CJ down and had to pick me up and put me to bed, then had massive panic attack! Took OH quite a while to calm me down, tuck me into bed and look after the kids.
I am so sick of this illness, am tired of having no control and I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is not who i am, i hate the person i've become and i hate everything about me. Had visions in my head of shaking the kids until they stopped, or of locking them in the house and just running away. Am really frightened at the minute as i havn't had ahy of these thoughts since i was first diagnosed, and i really thought i was getting better. Thought i was getting well enough to think about going back to work, but i don't know what i would do if it happened to me then.
God, they really would be better off without me in their lives. A nice, normal woman could come and take my place, its what they deserve.
I'm just too tired to do anything about it. OH has just given me my quetiepine to help me sleep, havn't even taken them for about 3 months - things really have gone downhill.
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Post by jmontan27 on Feb 11, 2007 23:01:25 GMT
Hi Helen
Sorry you had such a dreadful day. I hope tomorrow is better for you. I know how you feel about coping with 2 kids and how it can be too much sometimes especially if you're feeling unwell or just need time to yourself to collect your thoughts, cry or even go to the loo! How old are your boys? I also have 2 boys aged 4 (this week) and 1 and they can be a real handful sometimes.
My younger one does not have a sleep routine in the day and falls asleep at whatever time (usually just before I want to give him lunch). The eldest gave up his daytime nap 6 months ago and so it is literally all go all day now.
Sometimes I just sit there and let them play when I really feel I should be playing with them, I just feel too tired.
Your boys would not be better off without you. You are their mum and it is you they love. I know it is hard when you don't want them to see you upset (i've lost count of the times my oldest has asked "are you all right mummy") and you feel guilty. But you WILL recover from this, even though things seem bleak at the moment.
Take care xxx
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