hr diary

[helenr]

Well crash has hppened big style!

Was making tea yesterday and felt it creaping in. It was litterally like someone opened the kitchen door and in it wafted.

Started with the heavy feeling in my stomach, and then seemed to move all over the rest of my body.

Kids became clingy, noticing something was wrong with mummy.

Kept having to go to the bathroom to let it out, so that I didn't upset them further.

Oh was off, kept asking me to explain how I felt, but I just couldn't get a handle on it. Eventually said that I felt so bad, that I didn't think I should be left on my own with them. Thank god I married such a wonderful man, he did take today off. He also made sure I took my quetiepine last night, which knocked me out completely, but at least it got rid of the thoughts.

Am now completely off meds, left message for cpn to phone me tomorrow as psych appt been cancelled till 4th April, and I really can't wait that long to start something else.

Homestart worker took me out for lunch today (she wouldn't let me get out of it), and cried and creied in her car. Managed to stop long enough for a coffee, and then cried all the way home.

I just want to curl up in a ball, and for it all to be over.

[yoyo]

Hi Helen

SO sorry you've had such a horrid time PNI stinks doesn't it - like you say when you can literally feel it creeping up and know you're powerless to stop it - it is such a horrid feeling - and no matter how good you have been you feel so bad once again - but keep reminding yourself this will pass - and try to roll with it (I know it's almost impossible to do sometimes) .

Thinking of you - feel free to offload here - It does help x x x x x

[helenr]

I'm so tired.

I hate this bloody illness, I don't even know who I am anymore.

Am going to have to force myself to take the kids to their trial run at nursery tomorrow. Its so important, especially for L who was 2 in Jan, and is still not speaking.

Everytime I look at him, I feel guilty. Its my fault as I havnt socialised him properly.

Whwt other damage have I done to them?

They really would be better off without me. Sure they'd be upset, but OH could marry someone else, someone who can properly care for the 3 men in my life.

I thought I was getting better, but coming off meds has shown me that its still there, lurking deep inside.

[claire99991]

helener,

you poor thing they WOULD NOT be better of without you your there mummy and they love you and need you. Stay strong for them!

Your kids will get there in nursery i trained to be a nursery nurse and worked in a really nice one lots of children start of not speaking and shy not sure how to mix with other kids but its amazing how quickly they pick it up and how much fun they will have.

You will feel better when you get your meds sorted out and one day you will come of them and it wont be there anymore.

Hang in there!!!!!!

Lots of love claire xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[sianyc]

Just to reassure you, I think the speech thing is quite common. My nephew and my friend's son were 2 in January and neither talk yet. they both grunt, point and have a VERY limited vacobulary of dad, mum, nan, biscuit etc.

You are coping without meds at the moment and still managing to function.

Like Claire says, it will one day all be behind you, it just takes time x

[cheshire]

Hi

I agree with Siany

My second said nothing (c/w first) but now at 2 1/2 he is soaking every word up like a sponge.

I blamed myself, but then remembered this is not at all uncommon. My mother said I was the same!

Hopefulxx

[helenr]

Well what another crap day!

Managed to take kids to nursery, cried my heart out for half an hour, and then picked them up half an hour later.

By the time I got home OH had spoken to cpn, and told her what had been going on. She came out this afternoon, just in time for CJ to lose his balance and hit his head, which made me completely histerical. There are all these strangers coming into my house, what if they think I'm deliberately hurting the kids and they take them away?

Got even more hysterical when she asked if I wanted to go into hospital until they get me onto other meds. She said it was just to give me a rest, but it completely freaked me out. When OH told me that at the beginning, Dr would have hospitilised me if I hadn't had his support, but I wasn't party to that conversation. Although it scared me, when he told me I was better, so it was ok, talking about it today wasn't.

He has also said that at times I'm as bad as I was in the beginning, I'm so frightened that I'm never going to get better.

Cpn feels that we shouldn't wait for the full week, before starting other meds, so I must be really bad.

She is so lovely, she knows how to vocalise exactly what I'm feeling. Have loads of adrenaline pumping through my system, and don't know how to get rid of it, so am shaking all the time. Trying hard not to let it turn into full blown panick attack, because if they start again, I really havn't the energy to fight them.

She phoned again this pm, shes getting really cross as she's still trying to track down the psych. Shes coming out again tomorrow.

Am avoiding speaking to mum as well, shes knows I'm not great at the minute, but she doesn't know how bad things are. I just can't speak to her, after all shes leaving me when I need her the most, but then again, I never have been good enough.

Thanks for your posts about L not speaking, cpn said the same thing, says she loves coming to see the boys. Its just this guilt about everything. She said as well that I wont do any damage to them, they're well loved and cared for, but I said how can she be sure?

Everything is just so out of control, I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!

[helenr]

Couldn't post yesterday, really bad day.

Major screaming attack at OH, really shouldn't hes been wonderful, but I couldn't help it. Lots of panic attacks, followed by periods of feeling very sick and dizzy. Its like being drunk, without the fun, or having a stroke - get really dizzy, no balance or co ordination, and can't speak - quite scary really!

Anyway, on to today.

Kids are in nursery all day for first time ever - am hiding in the kitchen so that I don't phone every 5mins.

Have new rx for duloxetine, which chemists will have in this pm, so we'll see how it goes. Also have rx for diazepam as panic attacks are getting worse.

So we'll just have to see how things go,

fingers crossed - it can't be ant worse than I'm feeling right now!

[eve]

Hi Helen,

Glad you have your script and by the time you read this you should be on your new meds! I hope these nasty symptoms soon give over - for many months now i have been taking valium for horrible symptoms of anxiety and have found it very beneficial, especially when having low blips. I know as a busy mum you need to be switched on around your kids - the valium actually helped me focus a bit. It's a paradox - you put the kids in nursery to lower stress levels - but it can actually make them worse as we constantly fret when our children are not around and feel the need to check up on their wellbeing every so often!

Anyhow i hope your feeling better soon - much love Eve XX

[helenr]

Can't beleive its been so long since I've written, and so much has happened.

Going "cold turkey", even for a short while was absolutely hell! I think it was actually worse than when I was first ill, because this time round I had insight into what was happening, and that was really scarey.
At times I longed for the comfort of the oblivion I had when CJ was first born!

Have been on new meds for a fortnight, and the difference is amazing! Admittedley, some of that is because i'm slightly high, but as long as I never feel that horrible despair again I don't care.

L came back from nursery last fri with d&v, OH then got it on Sun, CJ on Tues and me yesterday, so its all fun and games here!!!!!!

[helenr]

Mum sick again today, so have spent all day with her. Don't know how shes going to manage when she moves back to Ireland on Fri!

Decided to have lovely bath with my 2 boys before OH went to work. L had great fun being covered in bubbles, and then CJ had great fun pooing in the bath!!!!
I now know what its like to be caught in an oil slick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[winegirl]

Hi Helen

I was just reading your post about feeling the adrenalin running through you and the panic attacks making you feel sick and dizzy. The way you summed it up just hit the nail on the head with how I have been feeling since my daughter was born `like being drunk without the fun'. If you explained it that way to a gp they would prob think it isn't that bad but I know too well it is when you are living with it day in day out.

I think that despite this horrible illness you are doing an amazing job and are clearly seeking the right help, that can only mean that your recovery should be relatively swift!

Hope you are having an ok day today?

Winegirl x

[helenr]

Winegirl, thank you so much for your words of support, it really means so much!

I know I'm very lucky to have a great support network, without it I wouldn't be here!

Had a lovely day today, weather was great, so I took the kids out for a lovely long walk this morning on the beach.
Thats the first time I've done that since we moved here, and it was brill! Lots of sun and lovely sea air.
Babes have been asleep since 6.30 pm, must knock them out like that more often!

[helenr]

Both babes still sick and OH still on nights - BUT I'M COPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cj was awake most of last night (very unusual, normally sleeps 6pm - 7am), so he had a long lie in. L and me were gardening at 8.30 this am! Weather wonderful, really enjoyed being outdoors. Even though I had no sleep last night, I still felt better than I have in ages. God I love these new meds!!

Both babes now asleep, and I'm taking a quick break from doing my C.V.
Having a cuppa, choc buttons and watching telly, yipee!!!

[winegirl]

Hi Helen

Glad today has been ok and the meds are clearly doing their job. That sea air has obviously done your children's sleep some good too!

Heres to another good day tomorrow!

Winegirl x