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Post by Jay on Dec 27, 2007 5:05:26 GMT
Well I'm up early again. I got the shakes so bad I had to get out of bed. I have loads of thoughts going through my head and need a rant. Have managed to pass out another couple of times, have not told OH, and seem to recover afterwards Was looking up fainting and epilepsy last night on line. Am thinking/hoping it is just a panic type stress thing, I know they are saying its the PTS, but it does make me think about it and be concerned. I am worried about my sister coming to stay. I was originally worried about having my BIL in the house [but he will be at work all day], but now I am worried about my sister being bossy and taking me over. She has plans to keep busy, and she is on about tidying my house and throwing things away etc. I know my house is a mess, and we have not done things for so long. I was never well enough to do it. I lightly tried to say yesterday when she sat at the dinner table telling everyone how she was going to want to keep busy, and what she was going to do. I must talk to her more, and tell her, and I hope she does not try to keep taking me out - I can't just go out anywhere. I need to be home and safe, unless I psych myself up for things, or I take diazepam to get out sometimes, but I can't keep taking them. I just want to be left alone really. But I can't turn down my family when they are asking for help. I have been thinking about a man who died on Christmas Day. He is/was in the same ward as my FIL. He kept asking for help, he was in pain, very restless etc. They spoke to him v briefly and promised pain relief [it never came, they did not help him]. He got out of bed and went looking for help. They returned him to the ward dragging him on a chair tipped backwards, two nurses pulling it along just on its back legs. A doctor and another couple of nurses running behind them. They closed the curtains, and they all ran around getting stuff. K felt ill at what was happening so I had to take her out. But they shocked him and stuff and he died, he only looked about 35-40. But they did not listen to him. This brought back lots of memories of them not listening to me. I had kept asking for help. The ward is filthy. I was so appalled. The man next to FIL, keeps spitting his food out, its all over the floor. Some of it has been there for a couple of days. Yesterday it was all over the floor right next to and under my FIL's bed. I sat there getting all worked up, and felt I wanted to get my FIL out of there. Then I went to these nurses who were cleaning a bed near by, and I asked for some of there antiseptic wipes they were using, and I said I wanted to clean up the filthy mess beside my FIL's bed. They said I could have some wipes and I got down on the floor and wiped all around and scooped up all this half chewed food. Then I told these nurses, about the filthy mess everywhere, and about this disgusting filthy little man who is spitting all the time. They just said a cleaner would sort it. The tea trolley lady told me not to wipe the floor as a cleaner would sort it. A nurse later had to sweep the floor near to this dirty little man before she could take his BP, as she did not want to stand in it all and tread it around. I commented again about it all. It all seems so horrible. I can't see my FIL ever getting home again, but don't know what is going to happen. He is supposed to be moved to another hospital for rehab? ? Its upsetting us all.
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Post by winegirl on Dec 27, 2007 9:51:05 GMT
Hi Jay
I am apaulled by the condition of the ward your FIL is in. Hopefully if they move him to another hospital for rehab it will be of a much higher standard! Do you know which hospital they would move him to? Is it far away?
I havent spoken to you the past couple of days due to all the madness of Christmas, how are you doing babes? I will pop back on line later to see how you are doing.
Always thinking of you xx
WG x
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Post by Scarlet on Dec 27, 2007 10:14:38 GMT
Hiya Jay,
Rant away hun,
Sorry to hear you have had a crappy time..Have pmed you.
The ward your FIL is on sounds terrible. I remember a similar ward that my mum was on 10 years ago. She died on 23rd December. It was terrible and to be honest I couldn't blame the nurses because they were run off their feet, but I complained an awful lot at the time, and in the end they moved her to a convalescent home for a while.
Hope K, is feeling a bit better. Do you think that having your sister around for a while might help her (and you) a bit. Sometimes having company can perk us up (even if it is bossy company).
Let us know how you get on, we are always here to listen.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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Post by Jay on Dec 28, 2007 22:05:10 GMT
Wish I had had a therapy session this week, and not had to wait 2 wks. I have felt very wobbly today, and got the shakes a bit on the bad side earlier this evening and thought I would pass out again. Its crazy coz it then went off again. It seems to come from no where. I can't work it out.
OH got all of a panic about going to work today, he is going to see if he can get his hours cut back down again.
K is so clingy, it driving me nuts. I somehow need to get her to go out somewhere, or she will have panics about it all again.
Wish we could miss new year out and get life back to normal.
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Post by Jay on Dec 29, 2007 15:11:46 GMT
God I feel so ill and awful. I fell asleep yesterday afternoon and when I woke the adrenaline was going mad, and I felt a bit poorly. I got upstairs and took a diazepam which did nothing.
During the evening I got the uncontrolable shakes, and thought I would pass out, I sat close to OH while this went on.
Went to bed about 10.30pm, and we chatted for a bit. Then I woke about 1am and thought that I must try and stay in bed, I could hear my therapy lady telling me to stay there. But about half hour later it all went mad, and I started to shake again, I had to get out of bed as I felt so sick. I had to hold the walls and wardrobe to get around the bedroom as I felt so faint and wobbly, and I got down stairs. Then ended up on the floor.
I could not settle and my head felt so awful, and OH had been moaning about me not being in bed half the nights. So I thought I would be brave and go back to bed to try to sleep there if I could. I listened to a relaxation tape, and did fall asleep.
I woke at about 5am soaking wet with sweat and the shakes so bad and the sick feeling again. I got up and just staggered around I could not even manage to get my dressing gown on. When I got down stairs I was clutching my dressing gown and shaking so much and down I went again. I felt so ill I did not know what to do with myself. I managed to get onto the sofa.
OH found me later and I got all upset as I was so frightened. I apologised and told him I had tried to stay in bed, but I can't coz I can't go through with 2 lots of panic in one night, I would rather not sleep at all. I took a diazepam as I was so shakey. I did not tell him that I keep passing out. I have been out about 6 times without him knowing.
We went to visit FIL this morning, and going to the hospital in the car, on it all came again. I started to be sick, and I did not know how to lift my head off of the head rest. I felt a bit better by the time we had parked. We got into the hospital and off I went again. OH caught me and sat me down and out I started to go again. It took a while to feel well enough to move. The adrenaline was just so mad. And I kept feeling so faint, and sick. I decided even though it was only about 3 hours since I took 5mg of diazepam, that I would have another. And after a while I came back to life.
My world seems to have gone a bit mad. And I don't know how to cope with it. These early morning sessions are horrendous, I don't know what to do to cope with them
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Post by winegirl on Dec 29, 2007 20:58:52 GMT
Hi Jay
As you know I suffer with the freaky adrenalin, fainting, sickness etc too and my worst times are definately in the morning.
I am so sorry you are suffering again right now. I think that this was going to happen to you when you started your therapy sessions as it kind of brings it all to the surface for you. But I am certain that if you stick with it things will just get better and better for you hun xx
How is your FIL doing now? Any ideas whether they are keeping him in or transferring him?
WG x
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Post by Jay on Jan 1, 2008 17:04:50 GMT
I am reflecting on this past week or so, its been horrible. I got near to ending it all the other night. Then I walked past my daughters bedroom, and I had to think of her. It makes me cross in a way that I can't be selfish and opt out. I think my meds are not suiting me now they have been increased in dose. So I know that will not be helping. I have halved the dose for a couple of days, but have put them up again. One day the GP and hospital will get me this apt to sort it. Just because your psych is away, IS THERE NO ONE ELSE WHO CAN MAKE A DECISION AND SEE ME? ?!!!!! They all seem so useless. It has not helped that I have spent the afternoon trying to write stuff for the Psychologist's next session on Thursday. It all looks so stupid what I have written. I re-read the copy letters that the Psychologist has written to the GP and the Psych. I am devastated to read how serious all this sounds. And I can't believe it is talking about me. It talks about the speed that I dissociate and faint, and how I shut down for days. About how seriously depressed I am. I know I live in hell and I struggle, but when I read this, its horrible. I feel so horrible and ashamed of myself.
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Post by cheshire on Jan 1, 2008 17:55:27 GMT
Dear Jay, I am so sorry that the last weeks has been so hard for you Don't worry if it 'feels so stupid' in terms of what you have writen for your psych. - it's hard to be kind to yourself when you feel this low. Just get it down on paper - exactly as it is for you now. I know how hard also it is to see things 'in black and white' - but you have faced your depression, which of course as you know is the first big step. Thinking of you, Hoepfulxx
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 2, 2008 9:29:31 GMT
Awww Jay, I hope you are feeling a wee bit better today. It's always harder at this time of year when you feel you have to put on an extra effort ~ but I hope 2008 will be the year that you finally get sorted with lots of therapy sessions and get some semblence of normality back in your life. I am wishing that for you.
No worries about what the psychologist wrote, you could always mention it to her on Thurs and tell her it upsets you to read what she wrote, but it sounds like she wrote it so you could get extra help and soon, which is a good thing. Have you heard from the CPN yet hun?
I'm thinking of you.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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Post by Jay on Jan 3, 2008 4:51:56 GMT
Thanks Scarlet. Here I am again awake since about 1.15am! I am going to feel lovely by the time I get to my apt this afternoon at 2.30pm. Perhaps I could pass out again and liven up her day! All the things I have written for this apt seems rubbish, so I will just tell her this, and she will have to put up with it. It should not seem difficult to write down on a chart sheet, what time you go to bed, what time you wake, how many times you wake up, and what you are thinking when you are awake. Also a chart sheet of just nice activities I have done. But somehow it has driven me nuts doing it this time, and I have hardly written much on the sheets. Perhaps she will let me have another go now Christmas and New year has gone, and I don't have that to put up with as well. I have not heard from the CMHT, the Psychologist expected me to have heard at my last visit 2 wks ago. And I have not heard from the Psychiatrist for an apt to sort out my antid's, thats been chased my GP and Psychologist, but still nothing. I am wondering if CMHT have waiting lists, and if I will have to wait to see them anyway, and how long it will be. Also if they are to organise this trauma work, I dread to think how long I will wait for someone to be free for all the weeks the Psychologist thinks it will take to slowly sort it all. Now that will worry me, the thought of waiting again. I am so bored and fed up being awake ;D ;D I must go in search of something on the TV.
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 3, 2008 8:36:34 GMT
Jay.
Sorry you didn't get much sleep, please tell the therapist this. It doesn't matter that you have written rubbish, you've written what you feel, which is very difficult to put into words sometimes, especially to someone who perhaps has never suffered.
I hope you hear from the CMHT soon and that you get your sessions sorted out. Maybe you will continue with the other psychologist as the 10 sessions of CBT finish. Do mention this to her as well, I should.
I hope todays session goes well hun, I'll be thinking of you Let us know how it went when you get chance.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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Post by winegirl on Jan 3, 2008 19:48:13 GMT
Hi Jay
Have already spoken to you in pm, but forgot to say WELL DONE on your appt today! I know how hard it was for you to go there, you truly are very strong and very brave x
WG x
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 16, 2008 7:39:55 GMT
How are you doing Jay hun,
Not heard from you for a couple of days now, hope alls OK. Have you got your therapy session today or tomorrow hun.
Let us know how you are if you get the chance.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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Post by Jay on Jan 25, 2008 8:23:25 GMT
I need to hide somewhere and scream.
OH just talked about his Mum coming here to stay with us if she is not well enough to be on her own, so we can ferry her up and down to the hospital to see FIL.
I just cried and said I'm not well enough and he said-Sorry.
I don't no how to cope with everything. I don't know what to do. There just seems to many things going on. I so wish I could sleep. I woke at 1am its so horrible to look and see what a rediculous time of night it is. I stayed in bed till about 2 or something. MIL's house is full of sleeping pills, I have thoughts of going and nicking some with hopes of sleeping. I don't know what Zopiclone or whatever is like, I suppose it would be better than my thoughts of trying to buy some on the internet, and not know if I would get real pills. I will think about that, I probably won't do it, but I am thinking about it.
I am only ranting on so ignore me. Sorry
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 25, 2008 8:40:23 GMT
Jay hun,
I am so sorry that you feel like you do.
Would it be possible for your MIL to have some respite care until she is well. I remember my SIL (brothers wife), both her parents had respite care after coming out of hospital becasue my SIL worked and couldn't look after them. Would this be possible Jay?
I know there are many things going on that you are becoming anxious about, but please don't take any sleeping pills that were prescribed for your MIL hun, as they may make you feel worse, and perhaps you can't take this brand with your ADs. BTW Why won't your doc prescribe you something for sleeping Jay?, just remind me please becasue I've forgotten.
I hope you day picks up a wee bit hun, pleae know we are here for you if you want to offload anything.
Love and hugs
Scarlet XXXXXX
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