Trying to make sense of it all

[2girls]

I've decided to keep a diary to try and make sense of all that's going on t them moment . I can't seem to remember from one day to next how day before was - I know that doesn't make sense .
This will be a long post as I have so much to get down .
My 2nd daughter is now 10 weeks old . Pregnancy up + down , nothing major , just lots of little niggles that got me worried . Labour induced as she didn't want to arrive , once induced hough , came very quickly + pain killer I was given affected her , as well as me needing large dose of antibiotics Resulted , in her failing to feed - midwives . Ended up bottle feeding but guiltily .
From the time she was born didn't feel anything at all ,she cried constantly , eventually given colic drops that settled her . In the 1st few weeks put everything I was feeling down to baby blues , tiredness etc . Would all be alright when she was settled , sleeping more etc . However not to be . She did all those and still feel lousy . Exhausted , achy all over , feel sick , panicky , heart palpatations , extremely irritable at husband and 1st daughter , not bonding at all with baby and not coping emotionally , feel numb when I'm not feeling miserable !!!Feel scared and a lot of the time really worried that I can't go on with feeling how I feel , but no way out , so feel really trapped
Don't want anyone to know as don't want them to think I'm not coping !! Paranoid that everyone talking about me not coping / looking after her properly , I know rationally that they're not and they have more important things to do , but ... Still only told about 5 people as trying to hide it , which is exhausting .
Health visitor picked it up and is now making weekly visits , which are great , but finding it tough to talk , and then am an emotional wreck for about 5 days . Sorry for long post , just trying to get it out , always find it easier to write feelings than talk them through , and like the fact that noone at home will be able to find my diary .

[winegirl]

Hi 2girls

Sorry, i replied to your first post suggesting you start an online diary and you already have! Sorry!

Everything you describe with your symptoms is me all over. The panics, exhaustion, sickness etc..

I am glad you are getting help from your HV and hope it is the start of a speedy recovery for you.

Hope you don't mind me writing in your diary?

Winegirl x

[2girls]

Hi , no prob about posting here , I'm really touched by people's support - my thing at the moment ( one of them !!) is feeling that friends etc don't care - it's completely irrational and untrue , especially as most of them don't have a clue anythings the matter , but I'm not partiularly rational at present . It's also helpful to know how others have felt - I'm having trouble explaining to myself let alone others how I actually feel as it can change literally minute by minute which is really disconcerting , I'm fairly ok one minute , the next I'm in floods +on the edge for nothing . Also no worries about posting before about keeping a diary , I've just done the samre and replied to the intro posts then come on here !!
Thanks xx

[winegirl]

Hi 2girls

It has taken me till only recently tell my friends that I suffer with PNI, and my baby is 17 months now! However, I am glad I did, because the friends that mattered were actually quite supportive and understanding about my problems.

Perhaps you could consider telling one or two of your closest friends?

Winegirl x

[Scarlet]

I can't seem to remember from one day to next how day before was - I know that doesn't make sense .

This makes perfect sense to me hun. I was like this around the beginning of my illness as well.

I'm having trouble explaining to myself let alone others how I actually feel as it can change literally minute by minute which is really disconcerting , I'm fairly ok one minute , the next I'm in floods +on the edge for nothing .

It sounds like you are having ups and downs, which is a part of recovery hun....as time goes on the ups will increase and the downs decrease and you will be able to ride the downs more easily.

You will recover and get back to your old self, I promise you, so please keep talking, and a warm welcome to the site.

Hugs

Scarlet
X

[2girls]

Thanks for your lovely replies . It's really reassuring to know it will get better , at the moment I'm getting really panicky , scared as keep getting overwhelmed and can;t cope with how I'm feeling , don't feel I've got the energy to keep going . I kow this sounds melodramatic - sorry ! I used to self harm as a teenager and those feelings are back , so having to try really hard not to .
My main thing at the moment is feeling guilty that don't feel anything for my baby . Just completely detached . Feel sick and panicky when have to hold her , when she cries I just feel irritated like she's doing it to annoy me , and can't bring myself to interact with her . Worried this will cause long term damage to her and keep dwelling on what she will be like when she's older . Does anyone have older children who've survived unscathed from all of this , worried I'll never bond . My h/v is very good and telling me not to foce myself to do stuff with her unless want to as will make me feel worse , but worried I'll never bond .
My poor husband is also suffering as doesn't matter what he does , however nice , I always want something more but don't know what - keep arguing with him etc and being a complete cow for no reason .
Sorry for another long post , just want to get stuff off my chest . xx

[winegirl]

Hi 2girls

I was also really worried how my PNI would affect my baby as she grew up, but I am assured by ladies who have come out of the other side that their children were just fine with no memories of their mum's being poorly. It is a worry I know.

You will get through this and bond with your baby hun, we are here to help in the meantime x

Winegirl x

[cazfletcher]

hi 2girls, how do you feel now hun?

my son is 2 and a half, and has turned out a well balanced typical little boy. children are more able to cope than we give them credit for. personally my first childhood memory was from when i was 4 yrs old! also, im a single mum and he cant remember anything of the rows etc from when me and his dad were still together so try not to worry that they remember things from when they are babies, coz they really dont.

here for you anytime x

[2girls]

The posts are really reassuring thank you . I've always been a worrier , but at the moment anything sends me into overdrive , already have baby's life planned out because of how I feel , delinquent etc etc , .
Felt rubbish today , no reason why . Saw friends this morning , 2 of whom know I'm struggling , but can't bring myself to tell them how bad I feel at the moment . H/v and others have said it won't last forever and willb e better soon , but want it to happen overnight , which i know it won't , but feel can't go on for another day , let alone months . h/v coming for 3 more weeks , then may refer me to drs , doesn't want to give me a/d if can avoid it . I wasn't keen to take them anyway , but now just want anything that can get me back to some sort of normality . But know they take a while to work , so could be another 2 months or so , which really scares me as don't know if I can keep going , but have no choice . Able to talk to my husband , but feel I keep going over the same stuff all the time , he gets worried then I don't want to tell him . Thanks for lsitening to it all . It is helping to write it all down . xx

[winegirl]

Hi 2girls

I was dead set against antid's for months, and have only recently started them, my daughter is 17 months old. It was tough at post but i am starting to feel a bit better for taking them now. They are not for everyone, but I wish i had taken them sooner. Its definately worth considering x

Winegirl x

[2girls]

Aaaghhhh !!!!!! Really pants day . WAs invited to my friends house , to talk stuff through which was good . Found parking space eventually , then came out to parking ticket - had missed the sign !!!!!!!! Ended up in tears , as though it was the end of the world , never had a aticket before so felt awful that costing husband all that money , worse thing is he was just "it's only a ticket I don't mind" ... I think I'd be better if he got mad at me ..... Still at least I have something to cry about , as opposed to being in tears for no apparent reason .
Anyway , was good to chat though with my friend some bits .
I know rationally that no damage is being done to daughter , but still feel really guilty - can't even bring myself to hold her at times , so she's in chair / on mat a lot with her only interaction from my 2 1/2 year old which isn't fair on either of them . I keep trying to tell myself that at least they'll hopefully be really close as my older daughter loves her to bits and is really possessive of her !!!! Generally just feel "weird" if that amkes sense , not sleeping well , not going to bed til late so I'll fall straight asleep . Weird thoughts going round my head - "shouldn't have had her" "ruining her life" " would I actually miss her if she wasn't here" . May as well be honest here and know it's going to amke me sound awful , only told my husband so far - one day out shopping felt really bad , both children asleep in buggy , and just felt best thing for them would be to leave them in mothercare ( so there'd be equipment for them)with my husbands number for them to call and just go away . Only lasted a minute at most and know I'd never do it , but at that moment seemed the most rational thought I'd ever had - feel so guilty for even thinking it ,sorry again for another long post + for moaning !!! Hopefully have something positive to post soon . Hope you're all doing ok . xx

[Jay]

Thought I would say HI.

Sorry about your parking ticket, I would have cried too.

I can relate to going to bed late in hopes of falling asleep quick. Its really hard not sleeping very well, and makes the days even harder to cope with. I am only just sleeping as my antid's are helping with this. But the nights seem so long and now they are dark and cold it feel horrid. I sometimes use to come online really late in hopes of finding someone online to talk to, or if not a good moan on here to off load does you good.

Its ok to talk about your thoughts. It all makes sense and is things which we have all probably thought at some time. It will get better, so keep plodding.

Take care
Jay xx

[winegirl]

Hi 2girls

I am sorry you are suffering with the thoughts so much. xxx (()) Hugs

I really feel for you hun to be in this place right now. I still thinking it would be beneficial for you to see gp, he./she may be able to arrange for you to have specific therapy for this problem which could b really beneficial?

Keep talking hun, we are listening x

Winegirl

[2girls]

Thank you again , so much for your support - it means a lot . i know from reading bits on the forums that I'm fine compared to others , so feel a bit guilty for taking up time etc . I have no reason for feeling like this , so confused . Have friends who've recently had a baby who may be very ill , and othersw who've lost babies , whereas I have 2 healthy girls ....
I'm seeing h/v again at end of week and will talk to her again , she says she tries to avoid people going on medication as takes long time to kick in etc , She is really good ( better than with my 1st baby's h/v who told me that in all her years as a h/v she's never seen pnd as she didn't "encourage " it so none of "her" mums ever got it !!!!!!!!!!!- she has now retired ) My h/v has suggested that after her sessions finish I could prob do with some form of prof' counselling for self esteem issues , so will try to talk to her again . I have some good friends at church who I'm going to see , but feel guilty again that taking up people's time . I know I keep coming on moaning , but am truly grateful for everyone's support , hopefully I'll be able to be as helpful one day !!! Thank you all so much . Sorry for any typing errors / gobbledegook , treated myself to a g+t ( ooopps!!!)

[gilly]

Hi 2girls

when i read your thread tonight i felt i had to reply as i feel all those feelings too please dont apologise for anything you may post on here as it is the one place where no one will judge you. the thing you said bout friends is always on my mind i feel alone and isolated most of the time and when i have been with friends i constantly over analyise every little detail when i get to bed.

i aften start to feel that i dont deserve the support of this site just like you but when i read your diary you have made me feel worthy as you feel the same as me. i read other stories and feel guilty that i have had no awful experience that could account for these feelings so please dont think everyone has a terrible trauma to tell.

i have started to write letters to my husband to try and get him to understand what is going on in my head and it seems to be going well so maybe it is somehting that would suit you?

Sorry if i have gone on a bit sometimes my just feel so much relife when i read posts like yours that my fingers will not stop typing. look forward to hearing from you more chin up and big hugs hun Gxxx