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Post by molliesmummy on Nov 23, 2007 0:21:32 GMT
i left college for Pete, as he didn't let me do anything or go anywhere, it was college- home, and that was it. he kicked off when anyone rang the house for me, and we didn't have a computer so i was stuck to see anybody. i lost contact with Paul, and that summer.. that summer was the loneliest time in my life. the only person i really spoke to was Pete. mum fell out with me for some reason- i say some reason- it was because of Pete, and his obsession with me. he started moving closer to me, with the things he was saying. the way he would go to touch me.. i till cant have anyone touching me in the places he did as it freaks me out something chronic. i was a heavy drinker, i could drink the best under the table! one time, he was really pushing it, asking for kisses all night- we were getting funny looks- but i was pissed. we decided to get a bus this one time, and he asked for a kiss which i was reluctant to, and i did anyway, and it was longer than a father daughter kiss. i screamed at him and he freaked saying i was calling him a pervert, but he tried to song me- what was i supposed to do?? i barely left my room that summer as well. me and my four walls were such a sanctuary for me. i loved it in a way. well, was made to love it. but yeah, i did loathe it but preferred it to being downstairs, in a room where my parents didn't speak to each other- Pete would stay asleep till mum went to bed- snoring his head off, and wake up happy when she gives up and goes to bed. mum would have at least two bottles to herself, and Pete would have 6. 6 bottles of wine a night. its ridiculous. he'd fall asleep with his glass i his hand snoring his head off and the glass would tilt.. and the wine would go everywhere this was every night. Saturday he'd go to 'the rockin barber' a rockabilly guy who's not a nice guy put it that way. and anyway, he'd get his haircut, buy a few Cd's and go to the pub or something. mum was left to clean the house. he really did f**k all to help out. mum had a stroke that year too. Christmas went and we went on holiday again, and in the new year, i got some money together and opened up my own market stall selling the things i made. i couldn't keep up with demands (he he) and gave it up, and stayed in as usual, it was really tiring, i was up all night most nights sewing things, and my fingers were raw! it was punk stuff i made, so u was pressing studs through leather all the time- it was too much. Pete was glad i was home all the time as well. getting his kisses n cuddles off me. back as usual. i know this isn't sounding bad but it was. i cant begin to explain how bad he mentally fooked me over.. anyway, time passed and it was me in my room. id sit writing anything that cam into my mind, and Pete found out i did this and made me show him everything id written each day. and this was super inner thoughts n everything. 2005 rolled around, and in march, i got a part time job in a bikini shop, and they didn't like me because i knew about fashion and they didn't! lol, so i got told my probationary period was over and i had to leave. that was a kick in the gut, asi thought it was my chance to get out of that place- that place being home. so- i had my second lonely summer. we booked a super expensive holiday- to the Maldives. for Christmas- as mum had had a rough year with work, and we all needed a real break- so we forked out 7grand for this. and two weeks before we were meant to go, mum had a stroke. and she was told she couldn't fly, but was determined to go, but we managed to cancel it and get a hotel in London for Christmas. and finding out on boxing day that there was a major tsunami in the Indian ocean.. that was bad. i was in shock the most. i kept thinking i was meant to have died. and mum takes that and runs. she went back to the hotel, and tried to commit suicide...
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Post by molliesmummy on Nov 23, 2007 1:30:43 GMT
that was embarrassing to say the least- i know its nasty to say, but we were in this amazingly posh hotel- one of the best in London, and shes in hospital for an overdose. i searched and searched for a job- anywhere! even whilst i wan in London i looked for jobs, as i wanted out. but nothing came of it as usual. i got so so depressed, and looked forward to staying in my room... id escape during the day to the library, after meeting Pete for lunch. i HAD to. id go on the INTERNET looking for the friends id lost in hope they'd help me but i never found anyone. this one day- this one day in September- i was walking through the town centre and bumped into a very angry friend. Kara began to yell at me, but stopped. and asked if i was OK, to which i said yes. 'but ihave to go now' 'why?' she asked. well...! i remember this perfectly for some reason. she told me she'd left me messages to call her back with my parents. but i never got a single one. she literally dragged a panic stricken moi, to her house and sat me there in front of her mum. her mum could tell instantly what was up- she just knew. she recognized my face- she had the same one- when she was younger she was abused so... they told me i have to get out of there. i wasn't mentally strong enough to do so. i kept saying i have to go. and they kept asking why. 'your eighteen, you dont have to do anything!' but i left at quarter to 5, nearly crying. i didn't want to get in trouble off Pete for being out the house. i got in on time, and began his dinner, and showered, as maria smokes alot.. he'd always accuse me of having people in the house too... I'm like- i dont have anybodies numbers- check the phone bill when it comes in!! i dont know anyone! i had that night to think things through, whether i was strong enough to leave or not. i realized i couldn't leave. and went about my usual routine, by going to the library, and both Kara and maria were waiting for me, and took me to the next town along. and we went onto a pub and they got me a beer and made me tell them everything. and they built me up and i went home and packed all my things and actually slept in the dark! that was big for me, as i was convinced my house was haunted. mum was off the next day and i woke up and we had breakfast together and i told her i was moving out. i thought shed be the level headed one. we thought- me Kara and maria- all thought she would be fine and well, she kicked off. totally battered me. maria gave me her mobile to ring her in an emergency in case i couldn't get to the phone, and mum broke it, halfway through me telling maria it was going badly, so Maria Kara and Kara's then boyfriend Darren got a taxi to come get me. i shoved a couple o pairs o knickers in my pockets and i tried for the door- but mum had locked it. i managed to pry the keys off her and maria dragged me through the small gap in the door while Darren and Kara held the door back and my mum too. maria kicked off- telling My mum how she doesn't understand how she cant see how i was. how she cant see whats going on under her nose... i could barely walk and they got me to the top of the street and the taxi they had just gotten was back at the top of the street- it must have turned round or something, and we got back in it and drove to Marias. ill do more in the morning hopefully, too many late nights and too much on my mind at the moment..
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Post by winegirl on Nov 23, 2007 19:37:55 GMT
Hi Rachel
I am not really sure what to say, but I did want you to know that I am stil reading your story, and my heart breaks for you with everything you have talked about so far. Well done on sharing all this with us, I really hope it helps you x
WG x
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Post by molliesmummy on Nov 23, 2007 21:15:22 GMT
once we were in Maria's, we sat down in a heap. all absolutely knackered, yet totally relieved that our plan worked out despite me being battered, our plan did work. i got such a headache from all the fuss, and the silence was broken by maria. 'so, who wants a cuppa tea?' lol and you know what, Ive been drinking it ever since- tea really does help! she made a pot for us all, and we had a cup each, Darren went to work, and Kara n maria made the dinner, and i went to sleep like a Lil baby. they woke me up for dinner and expected me not to eat- but i ate the lot, and everyone else's leftovers, when I'm stressed i eat tonnes, but when I'm stressed my metabolism is sky high, thats when i began losing weight with no matter how much i ate/eat. for over a week. nearing two, i was in the clothes i left my mums in, as Kara was a size 18 and maria was a 16. our friend Danielle came round with some of her old clothes but even then they were a bit big, but i was so thankful anyway. i was still in shock, id go to my room, my new room, and stay there, in silence, and both Kara and maria would get angry with me- as they wanted me to socialize. eventually i got my things, not all of them, but i did get them brought round to me, a few days after Danielle had given me a few of her clothes to wear. i had to throw alot of my things away as i had a lot- after all i was spoiled, and Kara and maria never had that much money, but they had love, so i gave some of my things to Kara as at the time she lived with Darren. i had her room. i eventually signed on for jobseekers allowance and they made me normal i suppose mum was getting really ill and pete kept asking me home, saying everything will be fine again. mum actually missed me though, that was a shock. so i went home after Christmas. mum came with me to look for jobs- i was a hell of a lot stronger in that short space of time, but i did panic the first few weeks i was back. i looked in chester, Liverpool, all the neighbouring cities. but as i had been out of work for so long, and barely any qualifications, nobody wanted me. and things were beginning to get back to normal again. but in June, i was offered a job in a tattoo parlour in Selfridge's. we knew the people who worked/owned that place so i went in piercing straight away and learning tattooing. i got offered a job then at grand central pub- the pub me n Pete were regulars at and i started there pretty much the same day as i did at the tattoo shop i worked some days from 8am to 3am, and i was still broke! i became a complete party animal, like i should have when i left school, or at least at the age of 18... people whom i didn't know would invite me out because i made everyone have a good time. i made the bestes friend that summer too, and got really close to two other people, my best friend became SJ, and my two close friends were Kathy the owner of rockers and Wayne- who ran the cafe in the newly reopened and bigger rockers. id go there for my breakfast before work and my lunches and so on, and most of the time when they were closing too, and we'd go out for a quick bevvy and end up getting slashed lol me and SJ got so close so quickly. one night on our first nights out together alone, we got talking, and she got real afraid, and leaned in, and said- 'rach, does Pete fancy you?' i said, so who else thinks this? and she started to apologise and panic, but i said, not to worry- i htink he does. then i told her brief things about what Pete would be like... in july '06 i became friends with rik, now my dp. i went on a few dates with a guy called liam, in a local punk band, and he djs around the psychobilly scene too. one of his friends was jealous and told me he planned to dump me when he went on tour anyway.
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Post by molliesmummy on Nov 24, 2007 14:29:41 GMT
so i was quick to get rid, listening to this one jealous person, as id learnt to listen to others rather than think for myself. not long after that i started dating rik, then we decided to officially go out after i nearly f****d up everything, and it goes from there i suppose.
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Post by molliesmummy on Nov 25, 2007 13:19:13 GMT
back in last November, my periods began messing up. they are never on predicted time, but never as late as they were, and this was going into December. there was no doubt in my mind that i was pregnant. i mean, Rik said to me, lets get married and have kids, just like that, and i was a little afraid of him to be honest, so i agreed. after all, he loved me. well, loves me... so we began trying, and it didn't take long! i chose not to drink over Christmas, as i knew i was pregnant despite having two negative pregnancy tests. so in January, we went into the local walk in centre and i got my positive. we told his parents first as i wanted to wait to tell mine. you could tell mum wasn't happy for me- she didn't like Rik all that much.. me and Rik lived in a flat with one of his friends, and his friend was starting to become a pretty messy person. i mean, like 'how clean is your house' messy. and it was making me sick. i wasn't there to tidy up after him. no matter how clean we got it, Head mess it up again, fairdo's it was his flat, technically, but he was messing us around with rent n so on, being secretly on the dole and having the dss pay his rent, yet still took money off us each month, well, until i realized what he was doing that is.. but he had cats too, and mistreated them to say the least. and i couldn't bare living there any longer and moved into Rik's granddads next to the airport. i mean literally. the flight path was next to the road, next to his house. but it was better than living at Steve's, i mean, Eric, Rik's granddad, is the coolest guy on the planet! the stories he'd tell- hes like my own granddad. he ended up knowing everything about me, because i was pregnant- i gave up hiding things as my memory just went! and i had a few perennial bleeds so... i had to let him know in case the hospital wanted me to go in for a check. i flinched this one time when he was giving me a hug- like granddads, and i really really upset him. he knew why i flinched- because i had this flash in my head of Pete. and i apologized straight away- and all was fine after that. its moments like that that got us talking about Pete. we moved into our own place in April. the first flat we viewed as we needed a place of our own asap, so we got the deposit and all we needed straight away. the first night of moving in the polish guy who lived downstairs began blasting music at about half eight. and i got an instant migraine. i was crying on the phone for Rik to come home from work, but he couldn't. and the mattress was in the front room above where he was blasting music. i managed to get downstairs and tell him i just moved in, I'm three months pregnant and i cant be doing with this and he apologized which was nice of him, and that was that, at about half nine, Rik and his dad came over and sorted a few things out and so on. not long after that, in may, i went in hospital. i personally think it was stress, with the noise from the guy downstairs, as i had a bleed again, but as i was also depressed at that time, the midwives kept me in for over a week, to see a specialist midwife called Helen, who deals with anti natal depression. absolutely useless. nothing came of it. she said shed call me to arrange a councilling session, but nothing. and this was pretty serious. i needed it. i was bordering on psychosis. and i was suicidal for that matter.
it was the start of
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Post by cheshire on Nov 25, 2007 13:34:32 GMT
Hi Rachel,
Hope this diary is helping you? I have been following it and hope you're ok in telling your story - as it can be hardx
We are all here listening, if that helps at all
Hopefulx
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Post by molliesmummy on Nov 26, 2007 1:31:01 GMT
I'm sorry i keep cutting my typing off, but I'm a bit crap at the INTERNET lol anyway, it was the shape of things to come. not the start of lol there is too many things to mention about that guy at this time of the night. ill tell you more another time. when the weather started getting hotter, i seemed to bleed more often, i was in and out of hospital, and it was getting me really down. i really really dint understand why they put pregnant women on wards where other women are going into labour and or have babies that cry all hours. yes i know babies cry and my Mollie does, but i was pregnant, depressed and wasn't ready to hear all that. i think that definitely made me worse, mentally. and i think that that made me have like a momentary psychosis. id go off into a dream world and think it was real. i remember sitting in my hospital bed, and looking around at everyone and looking left, and right, and looking down at my tummy, and i remember cutting myself open, and taking Mollie out and i woke up then. but i know that then- i was going through my hating her phase. i didn't have a life before Mollie, and now i kind of never will. i hated it when she kicked me. i even hit back once. id sit there wailing sobbing my eyes out for days at a time, not getting any real help off anyone. i was used to wearing tight pencil skirts, or leather pants, vest tops and cute shirts etc. like Dita Von tease or something. but instead i looked like a frumpy housewife, and i resented that also. Ive always been the tiny size eight also. and i weighed around six stone, i was under weight yes, but i was healthy. and being pregnant made me swollen and a size 16. and ten stone. i had glowing skin constantly though... ;D id lash out real badly with Rik too. throwing things, smashing things. i felt nobody understood me.
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Post by sianyc on Nov 26, 2007 16:16:02 GMT
Still reading :-) x
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Post by winegirl on Nov 26, 2007 18:29:36 GMT
Still listening to you Rachel. Well done and getting all this written down babes x
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Post by molliesmummy on Nov 27, 2007 0:27:24 GMT
i went to bed just then and some thoughts just popped up in my head. i remember having to ring Pete when i woke up. and on his lunch if i wasn't meeting him. i dint know why such a random thought popped up like that... nothing much happened when i was pregnant. except i went in plenty of times for bleeds. i sat sweating my arse off at the pc all day everyday, alone. i got super swollen legs and feet- which got pretty bad but i was a trooper lol i kept having braxton hicks, which i kept calling branston hicks lol and each time it was a false alarm. my depression got so so bad that after an argument with Rik, i ran a bath to 'chill me out' and i kept my head under. i timed it well too, as it was at a time when there was a good chance of Mollie surviving if i died. that was only one instance. Rik came in and saw my head under and sat by the bath and put me off, so i sat up. i really upset maria by being so low and not looking forward to mollies arrival, and that made me worse, but eventually i just switched, and just starting smiling when ever Mollie kicked me, and things like that. my best friend SJ came to stay in august, before mollies dd, as we really did think she would be early with the amount of trips to the hospital i was having. but my dd came, and went and SJ had to go to her mums. and on my dd, i did end up going into hospital with pains, but they said i was only 1.5cm dilated so they sent me home. and told me to come back at 11am. stupid really, as they sent me home at 4am.... it was really getting to me, all this pain and nothing. it sent me real loopy. i ended up staying Thursday night. maria and Kara took me for a long walk around the hospital to get things moving, but it didn't work, just hurt lol i was still 1.5cmd when Friday rolled around. so me and Rik went to the museum down the road, i love the Manchester museum! went to see all the mummies etc.. and i kept having to stop, the waves of pain.. it was too much. yet nothing had changed. so, i woke at quarter to nine in the morning, with real bad pains, and i was checked over and out on the monitor again. but by eleven i couldn't bare the pain much longer and asked for gas n air. ill do more i the morning
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 7, 2007 4:10:40 GMT
Hello Rachel How are you? You've been quiet recently. Just wanted to ask if you were OK. Flobob
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Post by molliesmummy on Dec 13, 2007 23:49:58 GMT
hiyas, sorry for being quiet, ive been feeling happier recently, and when i think about the birht n so on i get a lil sad, im a lil traumatised by it still... but ill do more on saturday morning i thinkxxxxxxx
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Post by Scarlet on Dec 14, 2007 9:51:05 GMT
Hi Rachel,
Glad you are feeling a bit happier hun. I can understand you are still traumatised, it takes a while to get back on track..but you'll get there.
Come and talk whenever you feel the need to and we will be here.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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Post by molliesmummy on Dec 19, 2007 1:33:29 GMT
im really sorry but talking about the birth is still pretty harsh, is that right?? still not liking talking about it 4months since it happened? im going to have to leave it for now, but mollie rose-leigh was born at 6.03pm weighed 6.13oz eyes wide open, didnt cry... stuck her middle finger up at her daddy lol saw her nanny maria and aunty kara lol im so sorry, i can t write about that day
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