thank you everyone
i think for now, ill skip writing about the labour in great detail, it was such an amazing event- its still very raw in my mind.
but as you all know, the pain gets worse.
all i wanted was my friend Kara n maria there. my mum was going through a heavy drinking phase and i didn't want Mollie around that.
Kara n maria had made it to the hospital but for some stupid reason, they weren't allowed in the room- the stupid midwives- despite being told i didn't want any drugs no matter what- had talked me into having an epidural- they're waaaaaaaaaaay too quick to give them out i think.
and maria was arguing with the midwives to let her in, and eventually pushed her way through, but mean while, all the while she was outside the door- i was panicking as she wasn't there, i think that was why they weren't allowing her in- because i was worked up. they just weren't listening to me!
but when she pushed her way in, i was fine when she got there- and threw a lot of the ppl out- as she knew my birth plan through n through.
i was on a drip too through out.
theres no way on this earth did i want an epidural- nothing against ppl who have it, it is/was just my choice is all.
maria lay me down and put water on my head, as i was sat up ready for the injection- and thank god- this sounds horrific, but thank god the anesthetist got called away, otherwise idve had the epidural. a man was having an epileptic fit in the waiting room.
i do remember passing out from the pain as well..
Kara took Rik out for a break n a smoke, as that was her job really- i needed someone there for Rik.
i don't remember much else, but i do remember needing to push and being told not to- maria just ignored the midwives and told me to do what i needed.
it really hurt!! lol
i just could not do it alone, no way- i needed a suction cup to get Mollie out of there!
but she was passed to me straight away, no tears- eyes wide open. beautiful.
born at 6.03pm, weighing 6.13oz.
then all of a sudden- taken away- just to be cleaned like, but still- they didn't say anything to me just took her.
i used all the strength in my arms to push, and i couldn't lift a thing, i was too scared to hold her- even the midwives were worried.
i was expected to walk to the shower room unassisted as well, which i think is wrong.
but what i think was really bad for me, and i still think its an awful thing to do to a woman thats just given birth, but i was left to it, in a ward where nobody spoke english, and i wasn't shown how to breastfeed.
Rik had to go home, reluctantly, and i was left to fend for myself pretty much.
i breastfed her without being shown yet again, and was seen late morning.
the third day i was told mollie wasnt latching on properly, as it was starting to hurt, and the night before the last day there, i was crying out loud. im glad i had a room then. as there was a foreign woman on the ward who talked all night on the phone really loudly and refused to speak english too. her baby kept waking mollie too.
which isnt the babys fault- but she jsut want paying it any attention.
so rik got to stay my last night at the hospital.
he got to feed her which he nearly cried at, as my wish was to breastfeed, but it was flinching, tensing up and crying whenever she fed, which wasnt good.
and the milk ducts under my armpits swelled up to top it off. it hurt so bad.
and he was so proud he got to feed her as well.
i was petrified taking her home, and wanted a quiet day of rest and time to bond and adjust- but all of riks family piled round, despite me asking them not to.
its alright sticking up for them but, when they were asked to be quiet and not come round unless asked.....
and they brought riks sisters 2yr old daughter too- whos very boisterous, and doesnt listen to the word no.
the first night was like everyone elses- very scary, i didnt sleep a wink lol
i still could barely hold her.
and on mollies 6th day- i had to stop breastfeeding. the colostrum had gone anyway so she did get all the benefits she needed.
i tried everything, nipple covers expressing...
and riks mum brought round some sma and a couple o bottles.
mollie took to milk with no problems.
i knew shed be an easy baby.
and my first real day alone with her in the house was pretty scary- when rik had to go back to work.
i got the baby blues a little, and thought i got over it, but as we have a problem neighbour, i was stressed and ill.
and then mine n riks relationship got rocky.
my doctor and health visitor put me on anti depressants- fluoxetine, a low dose according to rik, but i eventually took myself off them, as iw as determined it wasnt me, it wasall the problems around me, and i was only stressed.
i could deal.
and a second time- i went to the doctors having being off my meds, and she told me i looked alot happier.
twice
but still put me on them again:(
and i refused to take them.
and i lost all feelings for rik.
i no longer love him i just want us to be friends.
we argued.
alot.
and he got violent when he was drunk or had had a few.
now mollie is four months old, shes weaning real easily- which i knew she'd be easy to wean.
ive been happy on n off, not wanting to type in here if i was feeling happy n so on.
but im thinking i need my meds after all.