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Post by winegirl on May 13, 2008 14:31:51 GMT
Hi Rachel
How are you doing babes?? We are here if you need us and thinking of you x
WG xx
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Post by molliesmummy on May 15, 2008 20:11:36 GMT
its almost a week now since going to Birmingham... my boobs are sore and so is my arm (i opted to have the implant done whilst i was under anesthetic) and I'm feeling better physically now.. but every now and again i do cry a little.. but mollies laughter has gone up a notch if you get me, she seems to just howl out of nowhere all of a sudden, i cried before when she was asleep, but when she woke up it was all laughter. i cant be sad around her. shes just such a happy baby. I'm still a little pissed off at my mum maria and Rik's mum tbh i don't know but mums just seem friggin nosy! we specifically asked for them to please leave us be, whether its ridiculous i had to travel to Birmingham or not, i went there because i wanted to, i didn't want to fight to have the op in Manchester, i just wanted to accept it and go a head with it. i knew in myself that the long journey would relax me and give me time to reflect, and it did just that. instead they rang the hospital n everywhere complaining this that n the other ignoring our wishes. apparently it was just the state of mind i was in and i couldn't think straight. no i was fine thank you, it caused ten times more stress because of the fuss everyone made saying we should be fighting for explanations n all that. i just don't care, i got told what was wrong, and i had to go to this place and so on, and it wasn't grief that made me 'do as i was told,' it was just what i wanted. i just wanted to be left alone. i understand others are grieving for us and our loss but no... when asked to please not take over.... and you go ahead and do just that. i don't know what to say really. i don't know how im feeling i just cry at odd times and im fine any other time...
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Post by winegirl on May 15, 2008 20:45:26 GMT
Hi Hun
You seem to be daling with it all very well. Sometimes with family they think they know best and so in trying to do what they think we want (after being told what we want) they plough ahead anyway. I can understand why they did it but also fully understand why you would be hacked off!!
You know we are here and listening anytime you want to talk about it. Enjoy this laughter with Mollie babes, she is so precious and sounds so much fun to be around!
Thinking of you x
WG x
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Post by molliesmummy on May 15, 2008 21:05:38 GMT
thanks hun x i need to know something though, does it actually sound as though im depressed or just going through a bad time?
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Post by winegirl on May 15, 2008 21:17:17 GMT
Hard to say mate. If you were depressed though it would be PERFECTLY understandble with everything you have been/going through. The best person to answer that is your GP. I think you are soing really well after everything that happened on Friday. Just be careful as these things can come and bite us at a later state and it is possible you may still be in a bit of shock. Not saying that is the case, just something for you to be aware of.
Sending you hugs (())
WG x
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Post by molliesmummy on May 15, 2008 21:32:20 GMT
thanks x i think i could be in shock but then again i could just be in denial.. i keep thinking about everything ive been through the past few years, and asking myself why i either let it happen or why i didnt do things differently or ..... god knows what else..
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Post by molliesmummy on May 17, 2008 20:50:27 GMT
i had friends over last night. one was Shelley, who's due the same date i was due. i fell asleep at the might time and then slept till quarter to one this afternoon. they'd both stayed over. i feel awful. and me an Rik have just had an argument again. i haven't gone that mental in a while... Rik at one point ran in the kitchen after me holding Mollie which i didn't like at all because he was frightening her. I'm careful enough to not let Mollie see me upset. first person i rang was maria. i needed calming down and Rik was just winding me up and making me feel worse by bringing Mollie into the same room. now maria has said i should be on some form of mild medication as well as counseling. I'm just scared. i had this flash in my head same as what i got when i was pregnant or any other time Rik makes me so upset. i saw myself biting Mollie. and i panicked and started crying, and put Mollie on the sofa and sat next to her. i gave her a fleece throw to get her tired and i got the phone and called maria. she did make a point that the person i called wasn't my own mother. i dint know what to do anymore. why am i supposed to know everything? i don't know everything I'm still trying to understand why people sleep with people they have no love or connection with!!!!! I'm finding things out i should have found out years ago. and thats another thing, Rik joking about 'fit teachers' as hes apparently 'done' the odd one. I'm still reeling from whats happened and Rik's laughing at Kevin and Perry go large. i don't understand thats all i can think of saying. i cant handle life right now. i need a break I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
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Post by cheshire on May 17, 2008 21:11:09 GMT
Hi Molliesmummy, The thoughts are invasive and awful aren't they How are you feeling now? Just wanted to say too - lovely avatar picture, what a gem We're here for you, you know.. Hopefulxx
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Post by molliesmummy on May 18, 2008 13:17:44 GMT
im still a little shaken tbh i had similar thoughts of hurting mollie when i was pregnant and on and off when i get extremely upset or if rik has hurt me. riks being super nice and asking if i want a drink or food and its winding me up, i dont understand why hes being nice. not because of how I acted but because of it all... if that makes sense. i don tunderstand anything. i feel as though im getting thicker everyday. im having visions of hurting mollie, getting easily wound up... loads, and im pretty scared.
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Post by cheshire on May 20, 2008 7:19:45 GMT
Hi Rachel,
How are you today? The thoughts?
Hx
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Post by molliesmummy on May 20, 2008 15:03:47 GMT
not had any. its only when Rik puts me in a temper. I'm just scared I'm not comfortable in my own skin Ive gone through every single piece of clothing nothing either fits or you can see my podge I'm so damn angry and upset. i never wanted this i was always a perfect f**king size 8 Bettie page look a like!!! now because of being depressed i have no hair, I'm fat, with thin arms... and now I'm crying because my mum s just been on th efone and from go spoke only of herself and then said she had to go and put make up on or some daft shit. at a time like this i need my mum. what do i f**king get eh?? i seem to be getting worse. and Rik being left a weird message last night on msn really upset me. turns out it apparently was form a guy friend who was drunk and messing about. i cant handle life, let alone myself or a child or a household! im only 21 with the mind of a bleedin child! the rest is just guess work!
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Post by winegirl on May 21, 2008 19:42:45 GMT
Hi Rachel
Sorry havent been around the last few days. Hows things been with you today? It is understandable that you will be emotionally and mentally going theough all you are going through right now, and I do think that maria may be right in suggesting medication. Could you go and talk to your GP about it? You also need lots of support and your GP would be the one to refer you for all the support you need.
Of course we are all here for you, but I worry that you dont have enough support at home.
WG x
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Post by molliesmummy on May 22, 2008 15:35:08 GMT
Rik's got a big decision to make at work and its getting to us. I'm still very low in feeling... we were both looking forward to the redundancy money to get things we need like a wardrobe as we still don't have one, and possibly a deposit on a house or a car or something !!!!! and we might have to wait longer- but I'm sick of waiting!! he's being messed around by people work-wise and its upsetting. and i was looking forward to getting my hair sorted finally. it sounds very materialistic but its not. cutting my hair myself is apart of this illness. i cant cut at my skin, i have tried... but that was when i was younger. Ive realized that me cutting my hair is me wanting change, that ain't gonna happen, and i just feel worse than before because i have no hair. and i did it again last night i have no hair again well its short but you know what i mean... it meant so so much to get these hair extensions/dreadlocks.. PIN is all about feeling better be it material or not. and maybe i am starting to sound selfish, but i am sick of being sh*t on by everything. or maybe I'm just a wingebag after all but i don't know anymore. i need other peoples opinion. and maybe you're right, by far actually, that I'm not getting enough help at home. other things are more important apparently. I'm starting to resent Mollie again I'm finding looking after her more than a chore. there are people who could taker her off my hands but for her sake and ours id prefer not to let them look after her. she'd end up having a bad attitude and all sorts if i let her go to Rik's family. and I'm trying to dodge that as much as possible. they just think because i dress Mollie in rockabilly clothes and punk clothes that shes gonna turn out a terror, but believe me, I'm pretty strict, she knows the word no already and has always been an angel and id like to keep my bright young angle that way!! its just like now, shes whiny, and i don't think its teething, doesn't sound like it.. she isn't actually hungry, shes been stuffing her face with finger foods half the morning! she doesn't need changing. I'm thinking maybe shes just bored, but i just don't want to go over to her right now. why dont i know what to do??
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Post by winegirl on May 22, 2008 18:44:48 GMT
Hi Rachel
Sorry things haven't been great with Rik's job, hang in there hun, I know waiting stinks but try to keep your head up.
It is cool that you dress Mollie in punk clothes! I would love to do that with my little girl but my husband would freak.
If you have cut your hair really short, could you do something funky with a bit of bright hair dye and wax? Rock it up a bit or something to try and make yourself feel better?
Always here and listening xx
WG x
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Post by molliesmummy on May 22, 2008 21:28:13 GMT
hi x thanks so much xx you really help xx but with my hair, its the length. its all about the length. ill change my avatar to a pic of how i want my hair its too complicated to describe really.... right now, I'm feeling a little better, i have had three cans down me, my first drink since everything..... I'm feeling a little jolly tbh. ;D but if not tomorrow, then Monday, I'm getting a docs appointment for sure. i cant handle being like this. its upsetting having Mollie wind me up rather than make me giggle like she usually does Rik's a metal guy so he's more than encouraging the punk clothes!! I'm always after a white cardigan and white frilly socks, and i love all the old vintage inspired clothes for her, those things will never die when it comes to babies, little bonnets and so on... i guess I'm gonna end up rambling!! I'm not pissed by no no no way am i pissed just feeling the fuzzy feeling you get when you've had one or two... will see how i am in the morning.
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