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Post by cheshire on Apr 15, 2008 11:20:33 GMT
Hi Rachel,
Are you feeling any better?
Hopefulx
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Post by molliesmummy on Apr 15, 2008 13:31:42 GMT
i just feel ill all the time, not particularily smiley or looking forward to anything... just constant headaches and lethargy im finding feeding mollie no fun anymore, and resent having to do it which im scared about. im scared i might not actuallly feed her one day. thats what im scared of. im resenting having to change her too... what am i going to be like with two kids???
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Post by sianyc on Apr 16, 2008 12:31:57 GMT
Mealtimes for my two were my least favourite time. I'm still not too keen to be honest as they make loads of mess and it's just another job to do on top of everything else. I know all about the feelings you're describing - resenting them intruding on your time - hoping that they'll not want anything for 10 minutes so you can just rest a bit, think of nothing
Having a toddler and a baby is hard going for a while. The best advice I can give you is to make sure you've got some sort of system in place, like where the baby groups are, what support is there for you, how you will cope if Rik still doesn't help you. You need to know that you'll get a break from the kids and chance to be just you for a few hours. If that's not possible then a decent routine that allows nap times to be used as tea break and bedtime for the little monkeys to mean a bath and peace for you can help.
Your HV can usually arrange surestart home visits for you. Basically a volunteer comes to the house once a week and can take them out or just keep you company.
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Post by molliesmummy on Apr 22, 2008 19:52:37 GMT
i always forget about the fact i have a hv. mollie had a bad bump today and it was her first bump, and im still in shock from that.
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Post by winegirl on Apr 22, 2008 20:07:09 GMT
Oh hun. I sobbed the first day my LO had a bumped (mainly because it was my fault!) I was terrified something awful might happen because of it. As it happens, now she bumps all the time and i just pick her up and think no more of it!
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Post by molliesmummy on Apr 27, 2008 18:18:56 GMT
mollies not been too well neither, and its for the first time, so this week has been so traumatic. finally too a trip down to see maria this week as well, which was much needed as i could just feel myself breaking down. all i could think about this week was 'I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown and soon'. Ive been attacking Rik. but I'm still certain I'm not wrong over it. i still am certain hes provoking me. he reckons also I'm showing signs of manic depression, and thought it would get us housed quicker if i told the doctor. good job my appointment isn't till the 29th because maria said if the doctor agrees I'm becoming manicily depressed then i might get Mollie taken away, and i dint want that just so i get housed quicker. when maria explained to me that I'm clearly frustrated. thats it. apart from hormones of being pregnant so quick n all that. I'm so angry that Ive missed out on everything, instead of going from born-baby-toddler-child-teen-young adult- adult- Ive gone from born-child-child-child-child-child-child if you et me and I'm expected to know everything there is to know about raising Mollie, making sure Rik has a packed lunch, cleaning cooking pretty much running the household. I'm expected to know all this and i don't! and I'm learning and teaching myself and Rik I'm sure, refuses to listen or remember i cant do all this alone just yet. ive always had to fend for myself in a weird contradictory way, and so yes, im just moving along as normal, or as if im ok. and i get so upset and in a panic because i dont always know whats for dinner or what we need in for shopping. im starting to be really scared and rik is not helping me.
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Post by winegirl on Apr 27, 2008 18:27:35 GMT
Oh hun I am like that too. If it wasnt for my OH our cupboards would be bare. I cant get my head round when we need mlik and bread etc and I am crap at arranging an evening meal etc I left home at 16 and survived so you would think I would have a clue as to what I was doing!
I dont think your OH is in any place to tell you taht you are manic depressive. Only a trained psychiatrist can do that, and I really think he shouldn;t be saying things like that that may scare you. However, I would point out that if it were the case you would not get your child taken from you. This only happens in SERIOUSLY extreme cases, most mannice depressives function perfectly fine with kids and all.
However this is not something for you to be concerened about. You are suffering PNI with little support and this is what you need help with hun. Are you getting out and about with friends/family etc much hun? Sounds a bit like life revolves areound baby and OH right now?
Always here and listening x
WG xx
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Post by molliesmummy on Apr 28, 2008 19:56:04 GMT
thanks winegirl x but yes my life only exists around Rik and Mollie. i rarely get to see my family or friends because he never gets asked out by his own friends and if i get asked if i want to go out he kicks off saying he never gets to go out blah blah blah, so i don't bother anymore. hes making me so unhappy and no matter how many times i tell him nothing works. he just threatened that if i leave then he'll fight for Mollie and i wont win. he'll make my life a misery if i leave and hes making me ill now. I'm typing this and hes kicking off that I'm typing and not giving him attention. if I'm on here when he's home, not necessarily this site but facebook n so on, then he kicks off. apparently even though he has a contract phone he never gets to speak to his own friends. this is the only way i can contact any of my friends. and sometimes family too. because he doesn't like me using the house phone neither. maria and my sisters really believe hes trying to control and manipulate me. and i can see how they think that too... i still don't feel anything for him which he says is depression and now hes resorting to it apparently being me deliberately not wanting to show him affection. i don't know why I'm numb all the time. i don't even want to talk to people on msn most days, and leave it on to only talk to Rik. im not eating. waking up every two minutes because mollie is and riks kicking off because im too tired to wake up with mollie most mornings too. i keep getting my anxiety pains i used to get when i was in my teens. and living with my parents. and all my dreams consist of is wanting to or trying to escape from somewhere. or someone. like how i used to get when i lived back home again. im scared. especially about tomorrow's doctors appointment. what the f???ck am i supposed to do with rik though?? if im not in the mood or feeling the way i am, i cannot help it. i understand hes being more needy than ever because he needs attention but i just cant give it.
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Post by winegirl on Apr 29, 2008 19:14:21 GMT
Hi Hun
You need to have a long hard think about you and Rik babes, because you cant possibly carry on living like this! You must see friends and family and have a life for you - it really is so important!
How did the Dr's appointment go today? If you get chance do pop in and let us know xx
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by molliesmummy on May 7, 2008 8:25:13 GMT
i know i do... but right now I'm confused and upset. Ive lost the baby for definite and because of how far along i am theres apparently only two surgeons in the UK that will do the operation that'll get it out. so they're sending me to Birmingham on Friday (and i found this out yesterday and i live in Manchester) i don't have the money for train so Rik's dad is taking me in the car. thats going to be awkward in the car innit... i just feel as though its Rik's fault. i only went ahead with sex because i felt pressured and guilty that i didn't want to be affectionate. i know this is going to be a tough time right now but i don't know what else to do or say or whats actually going on!!!
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Post by winegirl on May 7, 2008 10:37:48 GMT
Oh Babes I am so so so sorry. This must be such a hard time for you. How far along are you? Have you had much support for this? I hope it all goes as well as can be expected for you on friday hun and will be thinking of you. If there is anything we can do to help, just shout, and please know that we will be here to support you through this difficult time.
How you feeling today hun?
Sending you all my love, strength and hugs (())
WG xxxx
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Post by sianyc on May 7, 2008 11:42:49 GMT
Oh Rachel - I'm so sorry lovely.
Is Rik going with you on Friday as well? Can any of your sisters go with you to support you through it?
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Post by molliesmummy on May 8, 2008 21:58:26 GMT
Rik's dad is taking me and bringing me home, it sounds harsh but its what i want, no fuss or anything everyone thinks I'm in denial and that i shouldn't accept that I'm being sent to not just a private hospital but one so far away in Birmingham but yes, i am accepting it, and its the quickest appointment possible. i really don't want anyone to hold my hand, I'm not going to be very talkative afterwards i just don't see the point in having loads of ppl there... everyones kicking off or having a go and ringing the hospital n so on, I'm just begging them inside to stop and leave me be. so yes i am getting support, and its off my sister Charlotte, which still baffles me as we've never gotten on ever since i was born and Friday is her birthday too and she didn't even think or bring it up that it was her birthday, she actually thought of me wholly which is an awesome feeling lol i don't care if I'm not thinking straight and this is me thinking not straight or whatever lol but no, I'm fine. I'm crying every now and again and I'm sure ill be ten times worse afterwards but right now Ive made my decision and want to go through it alone. i like to think im prepared for it all, but who knows really. thanks for your concern it means the world. but on another note, i did go back to my doctor and explain to her that im extremely depressed (that was before my scan) and she didn't do anything, or say anything about it. its obvious my depression never went in the first place, the bliss of being newly pregnant n all that... its obvious it was that. i think im just going to try new things instead. or maybe its just my mood right now, that all i want is to be alone. i was gonna say i could go for walks as its summer n so on, but... ive let mollie see me cry too often lately im really scared ill make her like mum made me the way i am. it has to be my mums fault ive been depressed for years.. im sorry im talking rubbish now. i cant find patterns in my depression like this diary is supposed to help me find, n so on, but.. sometimes i just think that im too damn messed up to be classed as depressed and im just being silly. but i am.................................
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Post by Scarlet on May 9, 2008 7:07:31 GMT
Rachel hun,
I want to send my love and support to you. Stay strong my lovely, we are here for you.
xxxxx
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Post by winegirl on May 9, 2008 20:46:42 GMT
Hi Rachel
Just want to say have been thinking of you today and hope you are ok? Know that whenever you feel like talking about it we will be here for you.
Sending you lots of love and strength (())
WG xx
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